There are some things in life that just can't be expressed in words. These feelings I had for Declan was one of them. He made my mind hurt, my heart soften and my entire body ache for his touch. He was everything I had never experienced before in a man and that in itself, scared and excited me. My feelings for him were so conflicted that I could barely contain the war that was inside of me.

The first half of me wanted nothing to do with him. It made me want to run away from the potential future I could have with him because it was unknown and that was scary. He was still a man after all and I had never been able to trust one before. He was supposed to be everything I despised in this world and yet...

The other side of me wanted to never leave his side. He made me feel safe and warm for once in my life and that was comforting. He was the only man I had ever met who seemed to truly care for me. Not to mention, he's tried to protect me from so many things already, how could I not help but trust him? He broke down my walls and found my inner demons. And even though those things should have scared him off, here he was, standing by my side through all of it.

So this was my decision, I was letting the second half of me consume the first. I was done second guessing myself and I was going to fully let myself give in to him.

I would let myself love Declan.

"Here you go." His voice brought me out of my thoughts as he set a plate of food in front of me. As usual, the meal looked extremely healthy; Grilled chicken, quinoa, and sweet peas with a glass of red wine. I looked up to see Declan grab his own plate and sit down beside me at the small glass table that sat to the side of his kitchen. He started eating and I couldn't help but watch him.

After a moment, I turned back to my plate and took a bite of chicken. It was delicious with great seasoning and it was perfectly moist. After we finished our food, I insisted on cleaning up since he cooked. He fought with me at first but when he finally realized I wasn't going to give up on this one, he caved. I happily started washing the dishes and set them to the side on a towel. Declan started drying them and soon, I could feel his eyes on me. I looked up to see his eyes fixed on my lips. I stared hard at him, feeling my heart beat start to pick up a bit.

"What?" I asked.

"You were humming." He said quietly. I felt my heart skip a beat and I suddenly felt very self conscious. I realized that it probably reminded him of his mom and I felt guilty that I had subconsciously done something to upset him.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and he shook his head.

"Don't be...it was nice." He added softly and then returned to drying off the dishes. I became overwhelmed with a feeling that I wasn't sure of. Happiness? Sort of, but stronger...This overpowering feeling to embrace him and hold him close to my heart where nothing could ever hurt him. But I also didn't want to because there was a part of me that was still trying to deny my feelings for him. I made a promise to myself that I would let myself love him, so why was it so hard to let my other half die?

"I told you I would take care of the dishes." I said in an annoyed tone. Damn it. I couldn't help myself. The stubborn side of me just didn't want to give in. He rose an eyebrow at me and then smirked playfully.

"You know, you have something on your face." He commented. I quickly went to wipe my face with my hands and completely forgot that they were still wet from washing the dishes. My face was now dripping wet as I narrowed my eyes at him. He started chuckling as he brought a hand to his mouth to try to stifle his laughter.

"You butthead." I said and then I took a handful of soapy water and splashed it on him. He jumped back but didn't escape as it soaked his shirt. I started laughing now as he examined his clothes. He started walking closer with a mischievous grin on his face.

"No!" I squealed, trying to block him from getting to the sink. He had another idea than I had thought, though. He wrapped me into a hug and squeezed me. I felt my shirt start to become damp from it being pressed against his and I started laughing harder as I realized what he was doing. I tried pushing him away but because of my laughter, I couldn't find the strength to succeed. He pulled me closer as he laughed along with me. Then he let go of me with one arm and quickly cupped a handful of water and dumped it on my head. The warm liquid ran down my face and hair as I kept laughing and squealing.

"You're so mean!" I yelled through giggles. We both finally had calmed down a little and my cheeks hurt from all of the laughing. We had smiles on our faces as we stared at each other. He put his wet hand on my cheek and I couldn't help but look directly at his lips. Lust started to creep up inside of me and I found myself getting closer and closer to him. But when our faces were just inches apart, he pulled away and turned around so I couldn't see him.

"What's wrong?" I asked quickly. Did I do something to upset him?

"Nothing...I just want our first kiss to be special. I want it to be perfect and in a romantic place...not here." He explained and I felt my stomach flip. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his torso from behind. I rested my cheek on the back of his shoulder and smiled as I closed my eyes.

"Declan, can I come over tomorrow after work?" I asked, feeling a blush color my cheeks from embarrassment.

"Of course." He replied. I breathed in his wonderful smell of cinnamon and spice. He turned around and pulled my into an embrace, nestling his face against my neck, probably breathing in my own scent. I smiled at this thought; that he was just as intoxicated with me as I was with him. I would have stayed like that with him forever if I could. It was the happiest moment I had in a long time. Slowly, we pulled away and looked at each other. I searched his mismatched eyes for his feelings. I wondered if he was in love with me but I couldn't ask him that. I may have allowed myself to love him but that didn't mean I was going to make a complete fool of myself in doing so.

"You wanna watch a movie?" He asked and I nodded. So we finished washing the dishes and made our way to the living room. I sprawled across the couch while Declan put a movie in.

"What did you pick?" I asked as he sat down. He just smirked at me and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You'll see." He said and then looked at the screen. I stuck my tongue out at him like the mature adult I was and then turned my attention to the screen. As soon as the film started to play, I knew exactly what movie it was.

"Seriously? The Notebook?" I asked, raising my eyebrow at him. He just shrugged and gave me a mischievous grin.

"I warned you I was into chick flicks." He said causally. I found myself smiling at his honesty and then nudging closer to him and resting my head on his shoulder. He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. I tried watching the movie but I just couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was what he said earlier.

"I just want our first kiss to be special."

Doesn't he realize it didn't matter where we were, as long as it was him I was kissing, it would be special?

I turned to look up at his face. He was watching the screen intently and I couldn't help but smile. He was so kind and cared for me so much. It made my heart swell from appreciation. I didn't realize it was possible to be this happy until now. Even with my mother that just recently passed away, I was so excited for the future. I felt a pang of guilt and the image of my mother laying on that cold metal came to my mind. She had hung herself so there was a dark bruise around her neck and her face was tinted with blue from suffocation.

I clutched Declan's hand tighter and buried my face into his shoulder, trying to erase the horrible memory. I felt him move so that he could hold me. He scooped me up into his lap and held me tightly.

"Goldi, what's wrong?" His voice was so smooth, like velvet. I relaxed a little in his arms and found the courage to look up at his face. It was etched with worry and concern for me which made my hear flutter slightly.

"I just feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't be happy when my mom..." I trailed off, not able to finish my sentence. He held me tighter in his muscular arms and I melted against him.

"We can't let the deaths of others stop us from being happy. It's completely normal to feel guilty though...I felt the same way after my mom passed. I was angry with my dad for moving on so quickly. He started dating a new woman only a few months after she died. I got so mad that I started rebelling. When I got into my teens, I started picking fights in school." I watched his face as his eyes glazed over. He was in a different time, not here with me anymore. Even though he wasn't sharing happy memories, I was a little glad that he was telling me about his past.

"Once I graduated high school, my anger had consumed me. I was so lost in it that I couldn't find my way out. I started fighting in underground tournaments and completely cut myself off from my dad." I felt my heart beat fast and my stomach drop at his words. I didn't realize how troubled he used to be. I never would have thought that he used to have a bad relationship with his father either, especially when they got along so well now.

"How did you get out of it?" I asked quietly. His jaw tightened at my question and then looked directly into my eyes.

"I got cocky. I got too full of myself and because of that, I got extremely injured and put in the hospital...my dad was the only one to come visit. None of my supposed friends that I thought I had. My dad stayed by my side the whole time. That's when I realized how stupid I had been." He explained. The pain in his eyes made me hurt for him. I kissed his cheek and then put my face into his neck, pulling him into a tighter embrace. I wanted to give him any comfort I could, no mater how small.

"I'm so sorry you went through that, Declan." I whispered.

"It's alright. My journey brought me to you, didn't it? For that, I would endure a thousand beatings." My heart skipped a beat at his words and I nuzzled my face deeper into his neck.

I would, too, Declan. I would go through a thousand beatings if it meant I could be with you for the rest of my life.