content warning: obviously sexual content,
kinks and detailed descriptions. this is a
remastered version of my prior alphabet,
now in a collaboration with lottie/anthclcgys !

shout out to bed chem & juno 🫶 normal
amounts of horny are beyond this point, and
ofc ,, klaus goes by he/she/they pronouns!

AND I BET WE'D BOTH ARRIVE AT THE
SAME TIME, AND I BET THE THERMOSTAT'S
SET AT SIX NINE, AND I BET IT'S EVEN
BETTER THAN IN MY HEAD!

A = Aftercare

Mara:  Typically,  besides going to the restroom or insisting that she can get a glass of water  (even if she doesn't want to),  Mara is going to stay right there until she either falls asleep or feels ready to get up,  depending on the time of day.  She loves cuddling Klaus nearly as much as she enjoys the sex itself,  and nine times out of ten,  she'll be telling them how good they are or how much she loves them.   Being affectionate towards him isn't even close to rare for Mara,  but it increases tenfold after they've been intimate.  If she can reach from the way they're laying,  she'll also kiss along his jawline or chest.  

Klaus:  Klaus is clumsy with aftercare.  Some days,  he’ll remember to clean up after them while Mara’s in the bathroom-  other days,  she’ll fall asleep the second Mara gets up.  One thing they will never do is forget to ask Mara how she’s feeling,  if it was good,  and if she wants a high-five for doing amazing.  (She always says yes,  if you even care.)

B = Body Part

Mara:  While Mara has never dedicated much thought to her own body  (she's lived in it too long to enjoy it,  and her fluctuating issues with her appearance don't help),  she knows that,  unlike how she's felt about them in the past,  Klaus has taken a certain affinity for her teeth.  As a result,  she's gotten a lot more comfortable with them & using them however she can to keep Klaus on their toes.  There is also,  because she has eyes that can see,  a certain appreciation for her ass - she knows exactly how to accentuate her looks & use them to her advantage.
  As for her favorite body part of Klaus’,  she is  (as cheesy as it sounds)  genuinely attracted to everything about them.  That said,  as much as she doesn't think about what her favorite part is,  she's always had a thing for his hands.  She loves tracing them during your average day-to-day moment,  but enjoys what they can do just as much.  There's also a certain draw to their chest ,,  be it trailing her fingers over the surface or pressing kisses all over,  she is not leaving their chest untouched.

Klaus:  Unconventional,  but their truth;  Klaus’ favorite body part,  gun held to his head,  is Mara’s teeth.  An attribute that others would  (and do)  find terrifying,  is something so perfect and beautiful to her.  Not to mention,  it makes them feel good when Mara sinks her teeth into any part of their body.  On Klaus’ body,  it’s his face.  It’s probably extremely narcissistic,  but they don’t care.  She knows she’s hot shit,  and Mara staring at it amplifies his confidence every single time. 

C = Cum

Mara:  Does not care about it one way or the other.  She  (quietly,  to herself,  to never be admitted aloud unless she's sex drunk & whining)  lowkey prefers Klaus cumming in her for the same reason she'll swallow after sucking her off: it makes her feel closer to them,  and since she knows she can't get pregnant,  she won’t be against it in the slightest.  As for hers,  she frankly doesn't care where it goes - nine times out of ten,  it'll be on a sheet that can be washed.  It's fine.

Klaus:  Klaus is MESSY.  He definitely cums a little more than the average person-  it gets on whatever is beneath him,  as well as his thighs and stomach.  Normally he’ll just lazily yank the sheet off.  He prefers to cum on himself-  he’d rather die than make Mara sit in that stuff. 

D = Dirty Secret

Mara:  Despite how a certain song or entry has given this away at one point or another,  Mara will not.  Will not.  Mention how she got off to the thought of Klaus after they spent some time together in 2019,  and especially will not admit to getting off to her while they were separated in the sixties.  That shit stays locked away in more poetic terms.

Klaus:  Has jerked off to Mara’s underwear when she was gone.  Not his proudest moment,,  considering she got home like ten minutes after he was done and they couldn’t look her in the eye for the first few seconds. 

E = Experience

Mara:  Enough to know exactly what she's doing.  Be it with women or men,  she's picked up several things from previous partners before absolutely ghosting.  She never liked getting too personal/vulnerable,  hence why she's so adoring now - her walls came down.

Klaus: Plenty of experience,  we all know that.  Mostly focusing on his pleasure-  Klaus will be the first one to admit that they used to be selfish with sex before she met Mara.

F = Favorite Position

Mara:  Loves cowgirl.  The both of them do.  She'll purposely sit there and go agonizingly slow just to tease him,  but when it comes down to it,  she'll ride them until they're both seeing stars.  She loves being able to run her fingers through his hair.  Another favorite is lotus - a position where she's still on top,  but she's close enough to throw more curveballs into the mix.

Klaus:  Anything where Mara is on top.  Specifically cowgirl-  loves holding onto her waist and thighs.  A guilty pleasure is six-nine,  too.  They rarely do it,  because Klaus would prefer to munch,  but when they do he loves it.

G = Goofy

Mara:  Certified giggler !!  Her hair is wild during sex,  so when it gets around her nose and she has to sneeze,  she will make herself laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the timing.  She also laughs when Klaus gets particularly whiny; when she finds her cute,  she won't pretend to not care. 

Klaus:  Klaus Hargreeves is the goofiest man ever.  That transfers over to sex.  Every single mistake or slight ticklish movement will make him giggle.  She’ll even giggle about how cute Mara is. 

H = Hair

Mara:  She'll keep herself trimmed to avoid too much coarseness in the texture,  but she doesn't come close to shaving entirely,  nor does she want to.   Keeping herself neat & clean doesn't mean compromising what our beloved goddess Venus gave us‼️

Klaus:  Untrimmed,  but he keeps the area clean.  Couldn't care less about shaving anything on him,  have you seen his beard?

I = Intimacy

Mara:  The level of which she adores Klaus is what haters (Five)  would call disgusting,  and that transcends circumstances.   It may not be candles & roses & RnB,  but Mara dotes on him before,  during and after the fact.  Even when they're being rougher,  she still finds a way to kiss her and mention just how beautiful they look.  She loves intertwining their hands,  pressing into a nearly desperate bow when she's close,  kissing whatever she can reach as much as she can.  When all is said and done,  she still cuddles against her and murmurs sweet nothings until falling asleep.  She can't help it; she's never loved someone like this. 

Klaus:  Klaus was never big on intimacy before Mara.  He was afraid of letting people in,  letting them see her romantically.  But,  now that Mara is here forever,  she knows what she wants.  On special anniversaries,  she’ll get the roses and the long yet loving foreplay-  the whole nine yards.  But for Klaus,  casual intimacy is where it’s at.  Looking up at her like she’s the goddess they know her to be,  kissing in-between her knuckles at any given moment while she’s riding him to tears;  it’s small moments like these that make it ten times more meaningful to Klaus.

J = Jack Off

Mara:  Might have written Guilty as Sin,  but that doesn't mean she's a chronic masturbator.  She never cared much for it prior to Klaus,  often going months without even paying mind,  and only really leaned into it when she started developing feelings for them.  Once the relationship is solidified,  though,  she'll happily wait for hours to get what she wants.  Thinks it makes it sweeter.

Klaus:  Klaus was never that much of a self-pleasurer,  even outside of Mara.  When she’s gone and he needs her,  then he has no problem doing it.  But he prefers his beautiful wife,  and doesn’t mind waiting a few extra hours to get the real thing. 

K = Kinks

Mara:  Praise is a big one for Mara,  and perhaps the most obvious.  She has never had the privilege of being adored openly,  and if you haven't noticed,  she has more love in her than she lets on.  Combining her natural adoration for Klaus with how she knows neither of them have ever actually gotten that sort of love or compassion has Mara voicing praise with every little action,  and receiving it in turn will only push her closer to the edge.
Body worship is another.  If you know anything about Mara's affinity for covering Klaus in kisses in or out of the bedroom,  this comes as no surprise.  She'll pepper kisses on his hands or chest,  leave the sweetest little lovebites along his neck,  arms or legs,  tells them just how beautiful each part of them is. 
Last and ,, well,  not least,  she loves being overstimulated.  It doesn't matter when or where or how -  those classic  “don't stop”s do come out of her mouth after she cums,  and they will be an order no matter how breathy or whiny she sounds.  Especially loves when Klaus keeps eating her out; she gets extra sensitive after the third or fourth time,  and that's around the same time she'll practically ride their face regardless of the position.

Klaus:  Klaus’ biggest kink is being marked by Mara.  Call it possession,  call it pride-  the biting is in fact a kinky thing.  He loves having physical signs of showing off the fact that Mara is his,  especially when she can’t be around him all the time.  He also kind of loves free use,  but not in the traditional man way.  He wants Mara to use him,  and he’s not joking when he says  “do whatever you want to me.”  It’s fully serious.  The last of his big three is restraint.  He’s more bite than bark,  and loves having to fight for what he wants.  Begs Mara to tie him up with anything they can find.  Also,  edging.  But I said big three.

L = Location

Mara:  Prefers their bed over anything else,  but similarly to Klaus,  she'll do it anywhere.  Doesn't care if it has to be in an unoccupied room during a Halloween party or if she's fighting for her life in public,  but at the end of the day,  she likes being able to curl up immediately after.  Especially if they've gone for longer; she needs the closeness.

Klaus:  The tried and true bed.  Don’t get me wrong,  he’ll do it anywhere-  but it’s what’s most comfortable for the two of them.  They don’t have to worry about getting caught or bothering others,  and stripping the bed after is pretty much the only cleanup they have to do.

M = Motivation

Mara:  Klaus.  Period.  No interference.  She can get turned on if he even glances at her a certain way,  but a certain weakness does come along when he catches certain spots along her neck during otherwise innocent kisses,  or when they press right up against her.  Being severely touchstarved contributes to her being made ungodly horny the moment Klaus gets even a smidgen closer than the space allowed for Jesus.

Klaus:  Anything Mara does.  But when she winks at him or wears shorter skirts/dresses,  it’ll make it harder for him to hide it.  (If she does both,  he’ll explode.  Pun intended.)

N = NO

Mara:  CNC,  being restrained or being manhandled,  all for obvious reasons.  She’ll restrain Klaus with fuzzy pink handcuffs or pull any scarf he wants,  but the moment she's unable to move,  it goes from being fun and sexy to her shaking like a leaf and locking into a trauma response.  Also ,, would be pissed at the mere suggestion of threesomes.  She doesn't want to share.

Klaus:  Anything that puts Mara at risk.  As well as blindfolding when he’s handcuffed at the same time.  He hates the dark,  and being unable to move at the same time makes it worse. 

O = Oral

Mara:  Gives and receives without the scantest idea of complaining about either.  She could spend the rest of her immortal life with Klaus’ head between her thighs, head pressed against whatever surface is behind her as her whines & moans gradually turn into half-cries of their name,  fingers winding in his hair as she rolls her hips until she's practically riding their face.
As for giving,  the first place her imagination went to after their first time together was how he'd feel in her mouth.  She loves to tease them by swirling her tongue around the tip,  giving kitten licks before the seemingly sudden intake has her bobbing her head along their length.

Klaus:  He will die a munch,  and everyone can fight me on this.  They will never pass up a chance to eat out Mara.  He’s fast with it,  but skilled.  He may seem like he’s quantity over quality with that statement,  but Klaus takes his time before and after.  Running her hands up and down Mara’s hips and thighs,  biting into the skin that binds her thighs to her torso to leave little marks.  He likes to do the tongue and finger combination too,  especially when they have time.  He will never ask for oral-  he’s gotten more than enough in his life to satisfy him.  But,  when Mara is curious,  who is she to turn her down?  Likes when she nips at his inner thighs when he gets loud. 

P = Pace

Mara:  She does tend to prefer slower sessions,  ones where she can feel as much of them inside of her as she can take,  but she won't complain about any sort of pace when they get going.  She has certain days where she just wants to be railed into the mattress  (or rail Klaus into the mattress,  depending)  until her legs are violently shaking,  and on those days,  she’ll use her teeth to spur whatever speed she’s after.

Klaus:  Klaus is normally one fast mf.  He can speed through six different positions like no problem and still make her cum each time,,  but he learned to go a little slower in order to prioritize Mara’s pleasure.  Doesn’t want her to feel like she’s missing out on anything. 

Q = Quickie

Mara:  When it comes to quickies,  Mara is particular,  meaning that she wants to have some form of intimacy remaining in the moment.  She doesn't mind them- not in the slightest,  considering she has been known to ask Klaus to come back home on several occasions just so they can fuck on the clock -  but when they are in a pinch with time,  she prefers to look Klaus right in her eyes,  all the way until she's at her breaking point and can't focus any longer.  Klaus has frequently been privy to the treat of seeing Mara's pupils dilate into black holes in real time.

Klaus:  Klaus is Klaus.  Klaus would have sex at any moment,  any time. That being said,   she doesn’t mind quickies in the slightest-  actually prefers them,  especially on their lunch break when they stop by the apartment to say hi after Mara texted them that she was all riled up and needed him.  Will gladly eat pussy for lunch instead! 

R = Risk

Mara:  Absolutely doesn't mind risking it all if both of them are in the mood.  The company does play a part in it at times,  but if it's a bunch of strangers who they'll never see again,  she has no qualms about fucking her man in a spare room or otherwise closed space.  If they were to ever get caught,  she wouldn't give a shit beyond the initial embarrassment.  Manhattan is a huge city with thousands of places to go,  and sometimes she cares more about being intimate with her wife than she does about being banned.  Sue her.

Klaus:  Klaus is riskier when it comes to sex.  Which is an awful thing with his loudness-  makes it very difficult to not reveal themselves when they’re in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room. The adrenaline high is the same as what he chased with drugs,  only it repeats itself and doesn’t dull.  He’s not thrilled with the idea of getting caught,  but it won’t stop her either.  But,  she’ll only do what Mara’s comfortable with.  If she says no,  then the fantasy is suddenly disgusting and he has no interest in it any longer. 

S = Stamina

Mara:  At the beginning of their relationship,  she could pass out anywhere between two to six rounds.  The longer the two of them are together  (and the more she adjusts to not only Klaus’ sex drive,  but also her own desires that have been tossed aside with time.  They are freak4freak),   the longer she can go.  There are times she won't call it quits until she can barely open her eyes because of how immense every other sensation has become.

Klaus:  They can go for however long or little Mara wants, with no problem.  Being both immortal and horny,  Klaus has built quite the stamina. 

T = Toys

Mara:  The obvious dildo and strap-on for Klaus,  but Mara has zero use for a dildo for herself.  She does own a vibrator for Klaus to use on her; otherwise,  she waits to see what they suggest. 

Klaus:  He has a remote control vibe.  He’s actively waiting for the right time to ask Mara to use it on him.  Also a dildo and strap-on for Mara,  but that’s a given.  #AnalRights!

U = Unfair

Mara:  Unlike Klaus,  Mara can and will be unfair.  She knows what she has and she will use it,  especially with the knowledge that they don't mind going at it whether they need to.  Loves sinking her teeth into their lips when they kiss,  pressing flush against him when she's in a shorter outfit or throwing a quick wink over her shoulder before walking out,  hips swaying all the way.  It gets worse when she notices anyone staring at them -  while she isn't controlling,  she marks her territory with a long,  deep kiss followed by an immediate nip to their collarbone. 

Klaus:  Cannot be unfair for the life of him.  When he knows Mara wants him and he wants her,  he refuses to hold back. He’s been holding back his entire life-  now that they have the one thing they’ve always wanted,  she’s not going to make herself or Mara wait.  Only believes in edging himself,  unless Mara asks for otherwise. 

V = Volume

Mara:  Depends upon their surroundings.  If they're in the comfort of their apartment or otherwise alone,  she's all sighs & moans with the occasional whine or mewl.  While she's much quieter than Klaus,  she can be loud if she isn't at least partially concentrated or occupied with making herself quiet.  If they're not alone,  she's either biting her lip hard enough to draw blood,  or biting Klaus enough to leave implants for God knows how long  (and may still wind up sighing a little too loud).   It's always obvious when she's close- no matter how quiet she's trying to be or how loud she's already been,  her volume will pitch into a practical cry of their name.

Klaus:  Klaus is pretty canonically loud.  He’s more of a whiner than anything,  to be honest.  He doesn’t moan or groan,  he lets out tiny but loud whines.  Maybe a few guttural moans if it’s One Of Those Days.  If Mara isn’t careful with how she covers his mouth,  they’ll definitely get a noise complaint. 

W = Wild Card

Mara:  Might not be an owner of an Adam & Eve toy section,  but she loves lingerie.  The colors she always goes for are deep red or black,  frequently the ones that come with an attached garter.  When it's time for it to come off,  she makes Klaus do it herself,  even if it means some fabric gets torn in a haste.  Also ,,  Mara always has a certain Look™ about her right before she pounces; this wide-eyed stare with her lips barely parted,  fangs peeking through the gap as she watches them.  She looks borderline ravenous.

Klaus:  Klaus writes about how horny he is in their own journals.  Pure fucking smut that would have Christian Gray clutching his pearls.  No one can open them for this exact reason.  They’ll see pages of thinking about eating Mara out,  sucking on her chest and neck,  the feeling of euphoria they get when Mara sinks her teeth into his skin.  It’s all in there,  and she has no shame in rereading it back to Mara.  

X = X-Ray

Mara:  Again,  she doesn't give much thought or credit to her body,  but she knows what she has and works with it.  She's a 32 C,  has incredibly muscular thighs and calves  (a big thank you to the first several decades of her life being spent walking),  a toned core and,  of course,  has a generously sized ass 🙏  Her body alone is eye catching,  especially if she's aiming to highlight it.

Klaus:  Solid six inches,  both soft and hard.  A little bit of a pencil dick  (they’re tall and skinny)  but they know how to use it to their advantage.  The size has never been a problem!

Y = Yearning

Mara:  Is a fat fucking liar and will,  if asked,  say she's not cosmically horny.  The truth of the matter is that she's pretty much always yearning for Klaus,  sexually or otherwise,  and does a shit job at hiding it if you know what to look for.  It's all in her eyes; constantly lingering on them,  trailing over their face,  hands or elsewhere time and time again like she's thinking about what she'd rather be doing at the moment.

Klaus:  Klaus is never not yearning for Mara.  Both romantically and sexually-  but especially sexually.  He has a naturally high sex drive already  (against all odds tbh),  and Mara only adds to it.  If she asks them,  they will be ready to have sex almost immediately.  It takes so little-  she hardly has to lift a finger,  and Klaus is already at her knees begging for a taste. 

Z = ZZZ…

Mara:  Will fall asleep the moment she gets back to bed,  even if she isn't tired.  It's practically biologically wired in her; if Klaus is there and she knows they have the time,  she's curling up on their chest and knocking the fuck out.  If it's a quickie situation and she can't get the cuddles she oh-so-needs,  she will sit there in her blankets,  drowsy as hell until they get home.  Needs to be cuddled so bad that it makes her look stupid.

Klaus:  Klaus snoozes almost immediately after taking care of Mara.  His ass is not staying awake to clean the cum from their sheets,,  that’s later Klaus’ problem.