Two years ago

Devyn

It's almost July, and I should be going into my final year of college, in two months. I was supposed to take a four year music composition and performance program, but half way through last year, I decided to switch to a teaching program. I don't know what exactly made me switch, besides my mom encouraging me to have a teaching degree, in case my career as a musician didn't work out. Her and my dad are realistic like that. She writes books as her passion, but she also works a full time job.

  I could have finished my music program and then did the extra year to get my teacher degree, but I switched. My classes carried over so I just had to finish up the workload over the summer, and now I'm done. I graduated college, all on my own. I'm planning to teach high school music in the area, and continue living in New York City. I love it here. I miss my family, but they've come up to visit a few times, since it's only an hour and a half away. And this just feels like where I belong.

  Even though none of my plans for New York worked out how I thought they would.

  Pierce was supposed to be here, with me.

  I was supposed to be a full time musician, maybe play with the New York Orchestra. I wanted to do what I love, every day.

  I had a plan, but plans don't always work out.

  I'm spending the day working on my resume and getting my recommendations in order, so I can start applying for jobs as soon as possible, when my phone rings. It's late afternoon and I see that it's my mom, and since this is no where close to out of the ordinary, I tuck my phone under my shoulder after answering.

   "Hey, Mom-"

   "Devyn..." It's her, but she doesn't sound like herself. She sounds so far away. I can hear a lot of noise in the background of wherever she is.

   "Mom? What's going on?" I ask, still focusing on my laptop in front of me.

  We just talked yesterday and she told me about how Dad had just got home from working out of town and they were excited to go see Jessica's cheer competition tonight. I was sad to be missing it, but I asked her to send me some pictures.

   "Oh, god, Devyn..." my mom practically wails into my ear.

    My stomach tightens and I suddenly know something is very wrong. My hands are sweating and I'm afraid to ask more.

   "Mom?" I ask, panicking slighting. I can't figure out how to get the words out. "What's-"

   "There was a... an accident." Her words are so small and quiet that I barely hear her. "Devyn, you need to get home."

   "What?" I ask again, confused and in denial, I'm sure.

   "Devyn, I have to go. I need you to get in your car and get back to Trenton, please." She sounds more stable, stern.

   "Okay. But tell me what happened." I find the words to ask her this, even though my gut is telling me I don't what to know.

   "D-Dad and Jess... they were in a head on collision, on their way home from the competition. I was... I drove myself there because I was working earlier."

    The words don't make sense. What is she telling me, exactly?

   "But they are... Mom... they are okay?"

   "Just get on the road, Devyn."

    The drive goes by in the blur.

    It's only 5P.M. when I enter Trenton, but when I do, there's a heavy, horrible feeling in my chest. I pull into a gas station parking lot a few blocks from the house, and then text her.

    I'm in Trenton.

    She doesn't answer for a few minutes, so I just sit there, staring at my phone. Trenton has always felt like my happy place. Safe. Good. But this is my first time being back here in over a year and it doesn't feel that way anymore. Finally, my phone vibrates in my hand.

    Mom: Come to the general hospital

    The feeling worsens as I start my car again and head back towards the hospital. I sit in the parking lot there for half an hour, just trying to breathe and somehow prepare for whatever is happening in there. It feels life changing. My mom never said they were okay, so I'm assuming the worst.

    When I eventually go inside the E.R. waiting room, my entire world is shattered, practically in an instant.

    The truck that hit them was going way too fast.

    Dad was killed on impact.

    Jessica didn't make it out of surgery.

    I break down. I cry and scream and then something switches inside me and I'm in denial.

    The next week goes by as if I'm not really living. I'm there, awake and walking around, but there's no meaning to any of it. I'm not trying to comfort my mom or help her with anything. She's trying her best, but she can't function right either. There's people - friends, neighbours, co-workers, lawyers - coming and going all the time. There's so many damn fruit baskets and care packages. But I can't look my mom in the eye and I can't feel anything.

    Somehow, someone plans the funeral. I think my mom has some input in it, but otherwise I have no idea. They tell me it's in a few days and that I need to write something to say, in front of everyone.

    I'm twenty-two, I just graduated college and I'm supposed to be just starting my life. I'm supposed to be in New York, getting a job and making friends and living. But my dad and my sister are gone and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I'll never see them again.

    What am I supposed to say at their funeral?

    In the end, my mom says I don't have to get up and say anything. So I don't. The funeral is too sad and there's too many people I don't know. Grandma and Grandpa are here from Seattle and Dad's sister, Mary, who we haven't seen in years, came from L.A. There's about a million kids from Jessica's school, her cheer leading friends and coaches and teachers. But I'm her sister. I just spent three years living in New York and I lost out on so much time with her. And she's gone, just like that.

    Another couple of weeks go by and I can't get out of the depression slump I'm in. My mom eventually goes back to work. I drive to New York and fill my car with my belongings, and tell my landlord that I'm leaving. When I unpack at my mom's house in Trenton, everything feels so wrong. I'm not supposed to be back here, living with my mom again. My dad and my sister are supposed to be here with her.

    It's three months after the funeral when my mom finally yells at me. I mean, in my entire life I can't remember her yelling at me that many times. But it's obvious she's had enough of my shit and she comes home from work and sees me there on the couch, still in pajamas and she just cracks.

   "Get up!" Her voice is loud and angry.

   "Mom-"

   "No, Devyn! Get off your ass. Get a shower, get dressed. You need to get your life back in order and it starts now."

   "I'm not... I just..."

   "Devyn, it's killing me seeing you wasting your life." She's too serious suddenly. "I am still sad, I swear I am. But we have to move forward. We have to live."

   "It's not fair!" I yell back at her. I've barely talked to her in months, so she's surprised by this. "I shouldn't get to keep living my life like nothing happened!"

   "Devyn..." Her tone has changed, softened. She steps forward, closer to me. "It was a tragic thing, that happened to our family. But Dad would want you to be doing what you love, and to be happy."

   "How are you... I just don't know how to..." I'm sobbing, not even wiping my eyes. "Mom, it's just not fair."

  She's by my side now, sitting down near me. "I know, Devyn. I know."

    The following week, I apply online for a teaching job, at the high school that I went to. At Jessica's school. Their main music teacher - the music teacher that I had for four years - just retired in the spring and they are looking for a replacement. It's already a month into the new school year, but I get a reply, saying they are using a sub at the moment and are still looking to fill the full time position.

  I get an interview for the next day.