6 Years Ago

Devyn

Things have been different since last weekend, for sure. Last weekend, when Pierce slept over after his birthday party. When Pierce and I had sex. 

It's not bad different, really. No one knows what has happened between Pierce and I, just like I didn't tell anyone what happened at the club, on my birthday. I don't know why I don't want anyone to know. Everyone knows Pierce and I have been best friends since we were kids, so keeping this secret seems like the right thing to do. I almost told Jessica, but knowing her she'd blab to my mom. She's thirteen and she lives for gossip. Macy - who I absolutely should have told by now - still doesn't know. She's busy hooking up with Benji now, I think. And I feel like I should tell my mom about Pierce and I, but I really don't want to involve her. As far as I know, Pierce hasn't told anyone, either.

Tomorrow is our high school graduation. It's a big ceremony at school and then Saturday night is the big party. I'm looking forward to the ceremony, to graduating. I've already gotten my acceptance and scholarships to the music program at NYU. High school graduation just has to happen first.

My grandparents are coming in from Seattle and staying for the weekend. My parents are going to make this a whole big thing. I'm not planning on going to the party, though. I haven't told Pierce yet. I'm feeling all sorts of things about this weekend - excited, nervous, proud. But I know what a graduation party at Benji's will entail and I just don't feel up to it.

For some reason, even though I wanted to have sex with Pierce last weekend, I sort of just want things to go back to how they were. Even though I love him more than anyone and I wish so bad we could be together that way, it's easier if we don't. I don't want to complicate our future. He's supposed to be coming with me to New York in August. What if things get weird? What if I lose him because we tried to be more than best friends?

Tonight, he's at my house, like any other Thursday night.

We're watching a movie in the living room with Jessica, after we played Monopoly with my grandma. She loves Monopoly. We only see them a few times a year but she's so amazing and loves to spend quality time with us. My dad and grandpa ended up going to a restaurant tonight to watch a baseball game, or something.

Pierce picked the movie and it's a thriller of some sort. Jessica says she likes them but ends up covering her face for half of the movie.

    "No!" my sister yells at the TV, then turns away. "Jesus, why does she think going into that dark alley is a good idea?"

Pierce laughs and stretches out his arm to toss it over my shoulder. He looks at me and waits until I look back, then he smiles sweetly. We're walking a fine line and it messing with my head. I thought I'd decided that I didn't want more, but with him this close, I can't make up my mind. He smells so good, like his hair gel mixed with his cologne.

It's obvious he wants to do this, with me. He's waiting for me to say that I'm ready to tell everyone. But for the last week, I've gone back and forth a million times. I've ran all the scenarios through my head. Pierce just wants to jump in and deal with the rest later.

As the movie nears the end, Jessica gives up on caring about the end and says goodnight then heads upstairs. The mood in the room shifts and when Pierce slips his hand into mine, I let him. I want it. All of it. I just don't know if I'm willing to risk it all. 

    "Graduation tomorrow," he says, quietly. "That's crazy."

  I nod, and rest my head on his shoulder. "I know."

    "We're good, right?" he asks a minute later, whispering now.

     "Yeah, of course," I tell him, focusing on his chest rising and falling.

    "Good," he says and then kissing the top of my head. "I guess I should go."

  He hasn't stayed over again since last weekend. My parents didn't even know he stayed that night. Everything is complicated now because we're adults. Sort of.

    "Okay," I say, but I want him to stay.

  We sit a few more minutes there together, our hands connected. We've kissed a handful of times since last weekend, but only when we're alone. We haven't done anything else and we haven't really talked about how we had sex. Right now, I want to talk about it. I want to know what he's thinking, because I know he's thinking about it, too.

But we get up and I walk him to the door. I watch as he puts on his shoes and then he pulls me into a hug. His eyes are telling me things that he doesn't say out loud. I kiss him, because I want to, and I don't want him to leave thinking things are weird between us.

It's a soft, good kiss. His hands come up to my head and he's using his tongue to push open my lips. I shut my eyes and try to erase all the uncertainties from my brain. When he's kissing me, I can be completely in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. When I pull back, he pulls me in again and kissing me again. My hearts pounding by the time I finally step back and he mumbles something to himself.

    "Night, Pierce. See you tomorrow," I whisper.

He grins. "That's all you say after a kiss like that?"

  I feel my cheeks blushing but he I just nod.

    "God, I wanted to kiss you all day," he says, and he's not even trying to be that quiet.

I give him a smile and one more hug. "Get home safe."

    "Love you, Dev."

    "Love you, too."

    *

The ceremony is about to start. We've been at the auditorium all morning, getting ready. All the parents and grandparents have all taken their seats. Our principal, Mr. Callen, is walking up to the microphone. It's finally happening.

But Pierce is devastated. For the past half hour, he's tried to call his mom. This morning, he left early when she was still asleep and came to my house to start getting ready. He came with my family to the auditorium, but his mom told him last night that she'd be here.

She's not.  

She hasn't been a very good mother over the past few years. She pretty much checked out when we were thirteen and has been working and paying the mortgage and bills, but that's it. Pierce has been on his own in that sense. But we expected her to show up today.

I glance up to the front of the line because he'll be called before me and he's still looking around the large room, hoping she'll magically appear. My heart is breaking for him.

The ceremony goes by quick and when my name is called, I walk proudly up the side stairs and across the stage. I take my diploma and wave at my parents and Jessica and grandparents in the audience. Then I take my seat and wait for the rest of my graduating class to cross the stage.

After the speeches and awards, it's all over.

I meet up with Macy and Pierce and Benji and we hang out for a bit and take photos together, because my parents track me down.

  "Oh my gosh, Devyn, we're so proud of you," my mom says, pulling me into a hug.

  "Thanks," I tell her, and smile at my dad and grandparents who are close by.

"Granny and Papa are taking us all out for Mexican tonight, your favourite," Dad tells me, then adds, "Pierce too, of course."

I smile at them again and nod, then tell them I'll come and find them soon. When I turn back around to my friends, Pierce is gone. Macy and Benji are laughing and  taking selfies.

"Where's Pierce?" I ask them, glancing around.

"He was just here," Benji says, and then pulls me over to get in on the next photo.

A few minutes later, Pierce reappears. He looks... broken, but then he forces a smile. Benji and Macy might not be able to see through it, but I can. I pull at his hand and take him away from the crowd a bit, and he follows willingly.

"What's wrong?" I want to know.

He doesn't want to tell me, I can tell. When he finally exhales, he looks away. "I called her again. She answered. She said she forgot. She's drunk."

"Oh, shit. Pierce, I'm sorry," I say quickly.

"I should have known she'd bail, but I'm still so damn disappointed," he admits, meeting my eyes.

"I know." I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight, telling him I'm here no matter what. Even if his mom isn't here for him.  "We're going for Mexican tonight."

"We?" he asks, curious.

"My grandparents are taking us out for dinner."

He doesn't let me go and he doesn't say anything, but I can feel him relax, even slightly.    

Pierce leads me back over to our friends and we find them with their parents, a big group of people all surrounding them. I decide to text Macy to tell her we're going out with my parents and I'll see later. Pierce texts Benji, too, and then we go back out and find my family.

A couple hours later, we are the restaurant. It's my favourite place but we usually only go here for my birthday or a special occasion. Pierce wanted to go to his house before we came here so he could confront his mom, but I talked him out of it. I knew he'd just be in a worse mood if he did. I'm glad I didn't let him, because now, here, he seems to be having a good time.

"Pierce, my have you grown up," my Grandma tells him from across the table. "I'm not sure I would have recognized you."

"Granny, it's only been a year since you've seen him," I laugh, but Pierce agrees anyway.

"Can you believe they are both eighteen?" my dad speaks up, shaking his head.

"I remember the moment Devyn was born," my grandma goes on.   

Our food is amazing as always and Pierce and I sit next to each other, enjoying it as as well as the company. It's late, after 9P.M. by the time we're done eating. Since my grandparents are staying at my house, I know that my parents will drop off Pierce on our way home. I've spent all day with him and it doesn't feel like enough.

"Don't you two have a graduation party or something to go to?" Jessica asks as we are finishing up.

"We do," Pierce says happily, "Tomorrow night."

My mom shoots me a look because I already told her that I wasn't going to the party. I agreed to stay home with Jessica because my parents are taking my grandparents to the city tomorrow for the day and staying over in a hotel. She now knows I haven't told Pierce about this yet.

I stand up from the table and tell everyone I need to use the bathroom, then glance at Pierce before heading down towards where they are. He follows, a bit behind me. When I stop, he catches up and we are just in the hallway, I look at him carefully.

    "I'm not going to the party," I say quickly, knowing that he won't make a scene here.

He narrows his eyes. "What?"

"I just found out today that my parents are taking my grandparents to the city for a show, and they are staying overnight. I have to stay home with Jess." I know this isn't a great excuse because Jessica can stay by herself, but still. It's the best I've got.

Pierce frowns and then shakes his head. "Why don't you really want to go to the party?"

I swallow hard and just stare at him. He knows me better than anyone. "Fine, I don't know. But I can't, anyway."

  "You can. Jess will be fine and we'll go back to your house after-"

  "Pierce, no. I'm not going." I say this firmly because I don't want him to argue about it anymore.

He looks angry for a second, but then changes his expression.  Once I realize what it is, my stomach sinks. He's just disappointed in me. "Seriously?"

  "Why do you care if I go? You'll have fun anyway," I say, then force a laugh. "You've gone to a ton of parties without me."

  Pierce shakes his head quickly and then pulls me close to him and slips a hand into my hair, really looking at me. His eyes are so bright and I feel like he's looking right through me. My heart speeds up. He's not going to kiss me right here in the restaurant, is he? My parents are only ten feet away. God, I want him to kiss me. To claim me.

"I want to go with you," he finally says.

I sigh. "I'm sorry, it's just not that big of a deal to me. Plus, I don't want to be at a party with everyone and... and we are, you know..."

"We can tell everyone about us, Dev." He looks so serious all of a sudden. "You want to tell everyone?"

   "No, we can't. It's too soon." I shake my head. Tears are forming behind my eyes. We shouldn't be doing this here.

He curses under his breath and then steps back. Now he's mad, again. Maybe not at me, maybe it's at his mom and at the world, but I see it all over his face. "Fine. Do whatever you want. Whatever."

And then he's walking away.

My dad drops him off at his house fifteen minutes later and he doesn't even say goodbye to me. He glances at me and then gets out of the van. I watch him out the window until he's all the way into the house, my heart in my stomach. I have to hold it together. I can't cry in the van with my parents and Jessica.

Two minutes later, we're back at our house. It's late and I had a long, busy day, plus that conversation at the restaurant drained me. I hate fighting with Pierce. I hug my parents and thank them for everything before heading to my room.

And then I cry. I cry for everything that has changed between Pierce and I. I cry for what we could be and what we want to be. I cry for him, having to go home to his mom who doesn't care about him. And I cry for me, because my heart is broken and I'm so confused.