Present

Devyn

I should be happy. I mean I should be really happy. This is exactly what I should be wanting. But I'm still holding back, even a little bit, and I can't seem to agree to a fucking wedding date. It doesn't make any sense. Oz is the perfect man, partner, lover. There's nothing wrong in our relationship.

  We spent the entire two days in Fort Lauderdale talking about the wedding with his parents and his sister, but every time the date was brought up, I avoided it. I can talk about color themes and flowers and even the beautiful venue we visited. I told Oz's sister - who's a baker - that I want a vanilla cake with buttercream icing, not fondant. It's the wedding that I can handle talking about. But the date? I can't commit.

  It's starting to really piss Oz off, too. He hasn't said it out loud yet, but I can tell. I know how it sounds. I know how it likely makes him feel. I want to get over this - I want to decide on a date.

  Tonight, he brings it up carefully. We're having dinner - he made a lasagna - and I have half a glass of wine that I'm sipping. He's had a beer. It's a regular damn Monday night. We just got back from Florida yesterday.

  "So, my mom called, like an hour ago," he begins, his dark eyes on me.

  I know exactly where this is headed. He doesn't usually talk to his mom daily, and we just saw her yesterday.

  "Yeah?"

  He nods, moving some food around on his plate. "She talked with the venue coordinator, this morning."

  I nod, now. "Okay."

  "They need a deposit, soon. And... a date."

  I reach for my glass and take a long gulp of wine and then look up at Oz. His hair is sort of wild right now and he's still wearing his dress shirt that he wore to work. "I've got a headache. Can we talk about it tomorrow?"

  Oz sighs dramatically and drops his fork. He's been pretty patient about this for the last month, but suddenly he seems like he's losing all of that patience. I don't blame him. I'm sure it's the nagging from his mom, too, that's affecting him.

  "Dev, we need to pick a date." He's still talking softly, but irritation is creeping up.

  "I know," I say, annoyed at the whole conversation. I just want to eat dinner.

  "September is only like six months away, and we haven't really started-"

  "I don't want to pick a date!" I scream, dropping my fork and pushing away from the table. "Not yet, okay?"

  Oz looks shocked at my outburst and then nods, quickly. He starts eating his dinner as usual, keeping his eyes on me most of the time. I can't eat, but I finish my wine. I can tell he wants to say something, but he waits. I don't usually have outbursts like that, and he wants to know what's really going on. I know he does.

  "Oz..." I finally say, because I have to fix this. "The venue is gorgeous. Perfect. I told your mom about flowers and the cake and... we're planning, okay? I just need more time..."

  "More time," he repeats, clearly confused.

  I still don't know if this the reason or even part of it, but I've been thinking so much about my dad and Jessica over the last two weeks. Since Pierce has been back. His reappearance in my life has brought up a lot from the past, and it feels like I'm no longer able to keep it all tucked away anymore.

  "I just... I can't imagine walking down the aisle... without my dad." It's an admission. I might be just tossing this out there to buy myself more time, I don't even know.

  Oz sucks in a breath, as if he never once considered this. "Oh, god, Dev. I'm sorry." He reaches across the table and grabs my hand into his.  "Shit... I don't even know what to say."

   "I know. I just have to somehow get past this," I tell him, then look at our hands, connected.

    I realize right then that It's true. It's been a barrier in the back of my mind since we got engaged. I need Oz to give me a little time to work this through.

    He nods and rubs the top of my hand with his thumb. "Of course. Yes, I'm sorry, Dev."

It's two weeks until my twenty-fifth birthday.

  I've been avoiding talking about the wedding for the past week, pretty much since that dinner conversation, but it's on my mind constantly. It's true - I can't imagine walking down the aisle without my dad by my side. I imagined my wedding a lot when I was younger and he was always there. Now that's not possible. I know my mom can walk me down, or even Oz's dad if I choose. But I just don't know how to be okay with this. Jessica should be here, to be my maid of honor. She'd be eighteen now, which is so crazy. It's not fair that they had to die.

  Over the last week, I've texted with Pierce a few times. He asked about my relationship, assuming that's what I meant when I said my last year has been good. I told him yes, I'm in a relationship. He also asked if we could get together again.

  "Mom," I say into my phone, one evening after school.

  I'm already back in Plainsboro and she's at home. I waited until I knew she'd be home before I called her.

"Hey, honey," she says back, casually.

  "I need you to tell me the truth," I say, then hold my breath for a second.

  "About what?"

  "Am I doing something wrong by seeing Pierce?" I ask her, checking the door to make sure Oz isn't back yet. He just stepped out to check the mail.

  I feel like I'm doing something wrong, for sure. The fact that I'm calling my mom about this when he's out is even worse.

"Have you told Oz?" she wants to know. I knew she'd ask this.

  "No."

  She sighs, collecting her thoughts. "I understand why you want to get together with Pierce, Devyn. Hell, I told you to give him a chance. But Oz... I'm not sure he'll understand the same way I do."

  "I know."

  "But, at the same time, you should tell him. I don't think keeping anything from him is a good idea," she goes on.

  "You're right."

  She's quiet for a moment before she asks, "Is he doing okay? Pierce, I mean."

  Of course my mom would ask about Pierce. He was a big part of her life, too. She loved him like her own and saw him as much as she saw me, for years. When he went to jail, we all felt a huge missing piece. But I went to New York. I left Trenton and I went to college and I forced myself to move on. She was here, missing both of us.

  "He seems like he's good. He got out last summer and was working in Lakewood, staying with his uncle," I tell her. She probably already knew this.

  "And he came back to Trenton for...?"

  I glance at the door again. No Oz, yet. "I think he wants to see his mom."

  My mom sighs into my ear. "It's such a shame Anita went down such a hard road, all those years ago."

  I hear Oz coming back up the walkway and I know he's about to come back into the house. I suck in a breath and walk towards the bedroom to finish the conversation.

  "I have to go. Love you, Mom.," I tell her. "Thanks."

  "If you plan to keep seeing Pierce, rekindling the friendship or what not... tell Oz. Just talk to him," she says, without hesitation.

  "Yeah... okay."

  "Love you, Devyn."

  I end the call and that when I see there's a new text on my phone, that must have come in while I was talking to my mom.

  Pierce: How's tonight? At the Borden? Bring your boyfriend, if you want.

  I know he's just saying that to be nice, or to make sure I know he just wants to talk. But I want to talk with Pierce and say things that I don't want Oz to hear. I want to ask him questions that I've wanted the answers to for a long time. And bringing Oz into this right now is a bad idea. Plus, I didn't tell Pierce that I'm engaged.

  I hear Oz at the door, coming inside.   My heart is beating fast when I type back my message to Pierce.

    Me: I'll be there at 8P.M.