VII

Run, run, run.

I was running while holding my gown. Hindi ako makaramdam ng pagod habang tumatakbo papalayo sa lahat. Wala akong ginawa kung hindi tumakbo at umiyak. I'm crying helplessly; my heart aches for the second time around. Ano bang ginagawa ko ngayon? Akala ko ba ayos na ko? Why am I running away to my own wedding? Why am I running away just to want to see him again?

Tatlong taon ko siyang hindi nakita, he cuts off our contact; he never let me see him again. Tas ngayon magpapakita siya, hindi parin nagbabago; he's my weakness. My heart always knows who's her owner. Bakit? Tatlong taon bakit siya parin?! Bakit tumatakbo ako ngayon para mahanap siya?! I'm desperate; those memories and those promises flash like fucking thunder. When I met his eyes, all of those burdens and denying feelings I had three years ago came back.

Napatingin ako sa paligid ko, everyone is staring at me, but I continue running. Until my feet stop on the familiar house. I bite my lower lips and desperate knock on the door.
"Please." I whispered, trying to catch my breath, while knocking on the door.

"Ashley?" One woman opened the door; she looked at me with anger in her eyes. "Ate..." I cried while staring at her; her eyes softened. "Bakit nandito ka?" She asked. I vow my head and bit my lower lips, trying to stop my tears.

"Jerome, I want to see him again, Ate," I said in a low voice. I heard Ate's sarcastic laugh dahilan para lalo akong mapayuko. "Ang kapatid ko ba? Siguro ngayon lumilipad na siya papuntang Japan." Those words made me faint, as everything went black.

I open my eyes when I feel the warmth of sunlight touching on my eyes.

Nilibot ko ang paningin ko sa kung nasaan ako ngayon, mapait akong napangiti, I remembered where I run when I'm trying to find him. Napatingin ako sa mga litrato na nandito sa kwarto, it was a picture of a boy who's smiling while playing with his friends. I remember how he told me his childhood story when he was young.

"Anak, gising ka na pala. Mag agahan ka muna." I jumped a little when I saw an old lady na pumasok sa kwarto ko. I look at her with soft eyes, then run towards her para mayakap siya. "Nanay," I said in a soft tone. I feel Nanay's fingers combing my hair. "Kumain ka na muna, mamaya tayo mag uusap anak." I nod my head like a little kid at agad na binitawan si Nanay. I miss how she's calling me Anak.

Napatingin na lang ako sa salamin just to stare at my reflection, maga ang mga mata ko. I remember everything now; nang tumakas ako sa araw ng kasal ko, I'm desperate to see him again, kaya sa bahay nila ako napadpad. My tears stared to fall again one by one; he had already left. Nakayuko akong lumabas sa kwarto, I saw Nanay and Ate's staring at me. Nanay smiled at me while eating Day, just looking at me irritatedly.

"Umupo ka muna nak, sabayan mo kaming mag agahan." Nahihiya akong lumapit sa kanila at umupo sa tabi ni nanay. "Bakit ka tumakas sa kasal mo?" Ate suddenly asked with her irritated tone, and I bit my lower lips. "Ah na realize mo siguro mahal mo pa kapatid ko, ayos ah. After three years, saka mo lang ulit na realize nakapag jowa ka na ng iba." Lalo akong napayuko sa sinabi niya, nanay trying to calm down, but galit parin 'to na tumingin sakin.

"You don't know how much my brother hurt after niyang malaman na meron ka ng iba. But he's trying to be happy. Maging masaya ka lang! Kahit siya na lang nasasaktan letshe!" It made my heart ache, but I accept all of those words; Ate is right, and everything she's saying is right.

"Tatlong taon na nakalipas Ashley, ngayon saka ka tatakbo rito samin para hanapin siya pagtapos mong makahanap na ng iba." I bit my lower lips when I saw ate's little tears on her eyes, her eyes telling me that she's the one who's hurt for her brother, which made me's heart ache more.

Mahal ko si Jerome, mahal na mahal. I never forgot him every night before I went to sleep. Those sleepless nights for one year, I thought everything would be fine when we let go of each other, but everything became worse. Sana pala hindi ko na hinayaan sarili ko na magpalamon sa pagiging failure ko, na magpalamon sa anxiety ko, sana pala naging mas matatag ako. Nakakainis ang hina hina ko eh.

"Sorrynate, sorry nanay." I said, and then the thing I see is I kneel in front of them to ask their forgiveness. "Sabi ko sainyo noon, I will not let Jerome experience the same pain he experienced before." I remember how I promised them that I would also take care of him and that all of the traumas and pain he experienced he would never experience that again in my side.

"I-I love him, mahal ko siya. But I know I'm wrong dahil naghanap ako ng iba." I continue kneeling in front of them while crying. Alam kong mali ako, I used someone just to forget him. Just to forget the pain, to forget all the memories we had. Walang excuse sa mali ko, tama si ate tatlong taon na ang nakalipas kung kailan ko ulit siya nakita saka ko napag tanto na mahal ko parin pala siya.

I bit my lower lips and stared at them. I told them everything that happened two years ago, what I found out when we broke up, what happened to me, even though they are mad at me nagsumbong parin ako sa kanila na parang bata. All of the pain I felt, those sleepless nights, those dry tears every time I woke up, I told them everything just to let them understand me too.

"Tumayo ka dyan, ayusin mo sarili mo."

That was ate's last word before she turned her back, while nanay hugged me, saying that everything would be alright, but I doubted that. I'm in so much pain right now just like before.

"Nandito ka lang pala nagtatago."

I slightly pouted when I saw Nikki visiting me; after one week passed, I ran away. "Hindi ka ba nahihiya sa pamilya nyang ex mo." Napasimangot ako sa sinabi niya, Nanay and Tatay accept me to their home matapos kong sabihin na wala akong matitirhan for now. "Nanay suggest na rito muna ako." I remembered when I will come back, Nanay told me rin na I can stay until everything will be fine.

"Sabi na eh hindi pa nakaka move on, kakahiya ka runaway bride ka." Mahina akong tumawa, but deep inside I'm guilty. I also care for Khev, but after I runaway, I realized I never love him. It's like, I know he's the one beside me, so I choose to like having a relationship with him. I'm so guilty.

"Pero wag mo munang intindihin yon. Ano ngayon plano mo?" She asked. I smiled bitterly because my plan for now is to stay here. "Fix everything before I go to my home."

"Nanay tutulungan na kita dyan."

Nanay smiled at me and did not decline my help. I helped her cook for our dinner; it was tinola. Nakanguso akong naggigisa ng bawang and acting like a chef na feeling umaapoy ang kalan reason why Nanay's laugh.

"Parang dati hindi ka pa marunong magluto nak." Napasimangot ako sa sinabi ni nanay. I remember when the first time I helped her in the kitchen, nasunog ko yung niluluto, but instead of scolding me, nanay taught me to cook. She's just like mama; she's teaching me things instead of scolding me. It feels so warm. When tinola's done agad na tinikpan ni nanay yung lasa, my eyes twinkled when nanay told me it was masarap!

That was the routine; I always do helping nanay just like before. "Nanay tulungan kitang maglaba." I learn to help nanay with household things like mag sampay, mag walis, and mag luto. In that way, feeling ko nakakabawi ako kahit papaano.

"Nanay, naniwala ka naman po sakin na mahal ko siya diba?" I asked while nagsasampay, and I saw manay smile. "Naniniwala ako anak, sadyang nadurog ka lang at nagkaroon kayo ng hindi pagkakaunawaan." Once again, I feel comfort in nanay's words and embrace her just like I feel comfort in her son.

"Hala ang ganda ni ate, sakay rito."

I smiled at the woman na naghanap ng masasakyan, agad siyang lumapit samin at don sumakay sa tricycle ni tatay. Ngiting tagumpay naman ako, angas ko nakaka ilang pasahero na si tatay dahil sakin. Narinig ko ang mga bulungan ng ibang driver, pero nginisian ko lang sila.

When Tatay came back, he smiled at me and decided to take a break. "Salamat hija ah." I just shyly smiled at tatay. Hindi kami ganon ka close ni tatay nung kami pa ni Jerome, but I always respect him. "Tatay, kain ka muna," I said and gave him the lunch that nanay and I made. Nakita ko naman naganado na kumain si tatay.

"Nami-miss ko na tatay yung anak niyo." Pagrereklamo ko sa kanya pero mahina lang siyang tumawa. "Malamang hija nami-miss ka na rin non. Grabe pagmamahal sayo non." Sana mga miss din niya ako, ano na kaya ginagawa non sa Japan? "Sa ngayon hahayaan ko po muna siya." For now I will let him enjoy while I'm still here trying to fix everything.

"Ikaw ang gusto ko para sa anak ko, sana maging maayos na lahat hija." I also wish that. I hope everything is going to be fine.

"Ate..."

I knocked on the door of her room; napanguso ako nang bumukas ang pinto, and I saw Ate, who's irritatedly looking at me. Pinapasok naman niya ako sa kwarto niya, as I sat down on the chair.

"Kung hihingi ka ng sorry, saka ko lang tatanggapin yan pag napaamo mo ulit kapatid ko." I bite my lower lips while looking at Ate before we are so close, even though she's so much older than me. Madalas kami ang magkasama when Jerome started to work; she became my best friend; she knows everything I felt during the relationship I had with her brother.

"Sana maayos niyo, base sa mga sinabi mo you misunderstood everything." Napasimangot ako nung tinanonh ko kung alin don, she said, Makukuha ko lang daw ang sagot sa kapatid niya.

For three months I worked hard to gain their trust again; it's not that enough, but I'm happy when they slowly say I'm welcome again to their family.

"Mama..."

I whispered, Nang makauwi Ako sa bahay. I saw mom and dad sitting on the couch. Like a baby, I cried to them, "I'm sorry po nawala ako." Umiiyak kong paghingi ng tawad, mama and papa know where I am, but hindi nila ako pinilit umuwi. Mom and dad hug me while they are also crying on both of my shoulders.

"Sorry po napahiya ko kayo." I cried knowing that I know everyone saying things to my parents that I am a disgrace child. "Sorry po, mahal ko si Jerome. Mahal na mahal ko po siya. Kahit anong gawin ko mama, hindi ko siya kayang kalimutan." Mom rubs my back while dad combing my hair.

"Nandito lang kami ng papa mo," Mom whispered, which made me feel that they are my kakampi. "Piliin mo ang sinasabi ng puso mo anak." I nod my head while still crying. "I know you are having a hard time anak when you and Jerome broke up. I saw you struggling more when you lost him. At nung makilala mo si Khev nakita ko how you pretend, I know you are denying because you are broken." Mom continues talking while I'm listening to her, still crying.

"Now, anak, choose what your heart wants."

Next thing I knew, I'm already in the airport, flying to Japan.