VI

"Welcome home, papa!"

I giggle, then run towards him to give him the warmest hug I can give. I hear him giggle when I hug him. "I love you so much, mama," he whispered, which made me giggle more.

"Papaaa!" Nakanguso akong tumingin sa kanya nang bigla niya akong buhatin. He gently walked on our room at hiniga ako sa kama. The next thing I knew, nakapatong na siya sakin, and he's buried his face on my neck.

"Are you tired, papa? "I asked him, and he nodded his head as I felt him sniffing my smell. My cheeks turned red when he whispered, "Bango ng misis ko."

I smiled at him when he stared into my eyes. I gave him a peck of kiss on the lips to explain why he smiled. "Nawawala pagod ko tuwing sinasalubong mo ko." Malambing niyang sabi, it was a routine salubingin siya lagi pag uwi niya sa trabaho. He's now twenty-five; he's now working after he passed on board. I remember how we celebrated at that time.

"Mahal kita sobra," he whispered while staring at me. "Gusto na kitang maging asawa, gusto na kitang pakasalan. Hintay mo lang si papa ah."

"Why are you crying, po?"

I opened my eyes when I saw Jerome coming towards me. Kakuwi lang niya galing trabaho. I feel his arms wrap around me. "Papa is here, mama, bakit umiiyak ka?" He asked, and then I can feel his hand rubbing my back

.

"I don't know," I said in a low voice. He looked at me worriedly. "Tell me, why are you crying?" He asked me softly. Napakagat ako sa labi ko, I don't know what to say."I failed my subject." Jerome stared at me and hush me when I cried loudly. "Shh, baby gagawan natin ng paraan ah," he said, comforting me.

"Nandito lang si papa palagi sayo."

I thought that everything would be alright after that, but habang tumatagal pabigat nang pabigat. We have been living under the same roof for two years now, but as time passed, we never saw each other for a day.

"Anong oras na bakit ngayon ka lang umuwi, ah?" I scolded him when he came back home; he didn't go home yesterday. His lips trembled, but he stared at me. "Mama, may trabaho na ko. Alam mo naman yon," he said calmly, trying to make me understand things. I bite my lower lips. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should understand you." I said while looking at him. He smiled at me and squeezed my hands gently.

"I love you so much, asawa ko."

I thought I understood him; I thought I'm alright; I thought everything was fine. Until all the problems came, it's like a never-ending lava that came in the volcano.

"Miss Realonzo, this is bad news for you. Hindi ka na pwedeng mag take para sa second semester. You already failed the first semester."

My lips trembled knowing that news-I failed second year. I try my best, but my best is not enough. I called him, "Papa?" Trying to calm down, but I just heard his soft voice trying to say, "I'm busy, mama, mamaya na lang." I waited for him, but he didn't come home.

"Jusko Ashley! Pinayagan ka namin na tumira sa lalaki mo, tapos ano? Ito nangyari?! Sayang pag hihirap namin sayo!"

I failed my parents; it was the thing that broke my heart. My parents are frustrated; they are mad at me. I called him again, and he answered with a different word this time: "Uuwi si papa mamaya po, hintayin mo po ako ah." I waited again, but again, he didn't come home.

But even like that, he still came home. Twice, or trice a week, he came home. He always came home when I'm already alright, when I'm trying to be fine. Instead of saying things that make him tired, nilalambing ko na lang siya. "Are you okay, baby?" he asked softly while looking at me. I smiled and nodded my head. I thought that's alright, saying that I'm fine even though I'm not.

"Sino ba yang babae na yan?" I asked him when he came home; he looked tired, but he smiled at me. "She's my workmate, mama." He replied, then came in front of me to hold my hands.

"Tapos? Why she's like that? Higad ba yan?" I asked since I saw that girl yesterday na aligid-aligid kay Jerome. That girl is trying to flirt with him. "Iniiwasan ko naman mama diba po?" Malambing niyang wika, I bite my lower lips, he's right iniiwasan naman talaga niya. I saw him block that girl's number when she's trying to call him. He is a snob to everyone, he didn't smile, I know that.

"Sayo lang naman ako asawa ko. Wala akong pakeelam sa babae sa paligid ko, sayong-sayo lang ako." He assured me that made my heart feel at peace, but only for a while. Next thing I knew, I always saw that girl beside him; he didn't give her attention, but my heart is full of aches knowing she's always with him. Until they had a project together.

I'm jealous, and I still act like I was not to make him feel comfortable with his work. I thought that's fine, but my heart and mind always feel chaos.

Months passed, and I thought I'd be okay again since he always came home. But everything became hard. The last thing I realized was that I had already struggled. I'm suffocated, staying at home. I stayed and didn't do anything, just to lay in bed since I was already a failure.

I stared in the mirror; I didn't look great. When I'm alone, I cry until I fall asleep. When he's here, I try to smile, which makes me drained. Last thing I knew, I had a hard time breathing. I always cry and try to hurt myself-I've already suffered from anxiety.

"Bakit hindi ka na umuwi rito?" Napatigil ako nang makita siya ba nakaupo sa sofa. He looks at me codly but talks to me softly. "Bakit umuuwi ka rin ba rito?" Wala kong ganang tanong, he looked at me with disbelief.

"Asawa ko, alam mo naman na nag tra-trabaho ako diba?" He's calm, trying to explain to me everything, but I just shrugged. "Alam ko, hindi naman ako nagrereklamo sayo ah." I stared at him while trying to fight my tears. He never heard anything! Inintindi ko naman siya ah, he forgot me when he's at work, but I didn't say anything.

"Asawa ko," he said in a low voice when my tears suddenly fell one by one. I feel his warm embrace on mine; I can feel his love again; I can feel his warmth again. "I struggle a lot," I whispered while crying on his shoulder.

"Sorry hindi alam ni papa, sorry mama." He hush me with his words, but my system didn't want to accept his apology. "I don't know what to do anymore." Like a baby, I told him everything, that I'm affected by things that happened to me. I always look unbothered, but I always feel chaos inside.

"Sorry mama, I focus on work too much. Gusto ko lang naman tumaas agad posisyon ko para mapakasalan na kita, mabuhay tayo ng maayos." Tears shone in his eyes while saying those words.

"Let's fix this mama ah, aayusin natin 'to," he said while our foreheads touched each other. I closed my eyes, then nodded my head. Maayos pa naman diba?

But when our fifth anniversary came, we both just stared at each other while our eyes were filled with tears and our hearts were bearing so much pain. We are here at Sagada waiting for the sunset one more time. "Happy fifth anniversary, love," he whispered as my lips trembled.

"Jerome, I told you this before. Sagada means comfort to a certain place, but it also means you found comfort to a certain person. I found home in you." I smiled bitterly while saying those words, "You came, and suddenly, I was home. A home I never knew I could have. Here, in this space with you, I found a warmth that melts away the cold of the world, a warmth that's only ours." Jerome just listened to me while holding my hands.

"You are the best thing that happened to me," Jerome whispered while his hands squeezing my hands gently. Tiningnan ko lang siya, nilabas niya sa kahon ang isang chocolate cake; on the top of the cake it's written "happy 5th anniversary."

"Make a wish, mama," he said in a low voice, then he lit up the candle. I shut my eyes when I feel the tears coming from my eyes. "I wish everything will be fine. I wish his heart also healed from the pain I'll left. I wish my Jerome will be okay, kasi mahal na mahal ko siya. Even at my last breath, I know I will love him forever. But I wish I will once find home in him."

"Let's break up," I said, and he tried to smile while he's wiping my tears. Ayaw namin, sinubukan naman namin, tangna.

"Hush, mama. Papa, understand you," he said while he's sobbing on my shoulder. I brush his hair using my fingers, Mamiss 'Ko'to.

"Babalik ka sakin mama ah, promise?"

"Promise, babalik ako."

"Love, are you okay?"

Napabalik ako sa realidad, when I feel Khev's hands on mine everyone is staring at me. Waiting for me to take another step pero nanatili lang ako a harap ng aisle. Agad na hinanap ng mata ko ang taong nasa harap but I just saw him walking away.

"Khev..." I looked at him, he look at me with confused look in his eyes. "Love, tara na sa altar." He said trying to smiled at me. I bite my lower lips then let go of his hands. All I know ay kailangan ko siyang maabutan.

"I'm sorry."

As I saw myself running away on the day of my wedding.