Warning: mention of bullying and self-hatred.

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Every time Win opens his eyes in the morning, he groans. How he wishes every night that he'll never get to see tomorrow, yet again the daylight seems to be the first one welcoming him!

Can't he just die and escape the worldly chaos?

Today, too, the ravenette woke up and groaned at the broad daylight protruding his dark-adjusted eyes, calling him to wake up and face yet another day full of misery.

He was lucky, today was a weekend and he was home and that he wouldn't have to face those bullies at the University hostel beating him into a plum and humiliating him like there's no tomorrow. He let out a sigh before jumping out of the bed and walking groggily towards the bathroom to freshen up.

The Opas-iamkjorn's weekend is filled with lazing around, eating, going shopping, or visiting new places. Win enjoys them too. Well, until he joined the University.

It wasn't a pleasing experience for Win to join a university. He has always been bullied by his classmates and his seniors, probably because of his nerdish appearance or because of some embarrassing incident he found himself in.

He tried informing his family about it but stopped immediately when he thought he might prove those seniors right about his timid nature. Nope. He wouldn't do it. Never! He is a big boy now. He can handle it just fine.

He came out of his bathroom, soon and checked his phone of some important message — not that he cares.

The only thing floats in front of him is the wallpaper which says, "Love yourself!"
Either he has been out of his mind when he has set it or one of his sisters did so.

His love for himself has gradually lessened over time, and currently, he hates himself more than anything.

He couldn't just accept himself as he is and how could he do it when he's getting bullied in the hostel about his, say personality or appearances, every day?

He tried to calm his senses because apparently today his mom has planned to go shopping with him to buy presents for Christmas. Any nervous temperament may agitate him to infinity and make him feel more anxious.

The breakfast was short and filled with chatters and gossips about the school, neighbourhood, works, offices, and friends. And as usual, Win bowed his head down, concentrating on his food, and spacing out. He loves spacing out and staying in his imaginary little bubble, where he could talk and argue with himself about every random thing in his world without many contemplations.

Sometimes this drastic difference from his family makes him feel he just doesn't belong here. He belongs somewhere else, where everyone would appreciate his existence and spare him one glance or two.

"Win?" His mother's voice broke his bubble of thoughts.

"Yes?"

"We've been calling you for so long! Are you alright, luuk?" She asked.

He's not fine.

"I am fine. Just planning P'Ming's gift", he added with a grin, pushing his glasses up.

"That's so sweet of you, honey. Now get ready we'll be out in a minute", she patted his shoulder before resuming her work in the kitchen.

Win sighed. How easy it is to deceive her!

•••

Win froze in his tracks when he found the familiar snickers from behind the mannequin. He nudged his mom to hurry up selecting Mesa's cardigan. There's no way he's going to show how much difficulty he is facing in his university hostel.

"Wait for a second, luuk!" His mom cooed.

Let this end fast. Let this end fast.

"Let's go look over there!" Win felt his colours drain from his face as his mom tugged him towards the pink pullovers and jumpers on display.

"OH, is this our Winnie baby here?" The taunting voices came from behind him. Win dared not look back and dug holes on the sweater sleeves instead.

Let this end fast. Let this end fast.

Please!

"Come on, Dug! Of course, he'll be here. Our Winnie baby wants to be a girl, doesn't he?" Another boy said in his fake twisted voice.

The sentence brought fear over him. The memory from his first year when he sneaked in tampons for Mesa and got caught by the bullies. He was locked in the ladies' toilet as aftermath. A chill ran down his spine and he shivered.

"Oops! Is your willy intact or did you remove it, huh? Wanna be a girl?" A roar of laughter echoed in the almost empty ladies' section.

Win wanted to cry. His cheeks and ears were fully red with embarrassment. He pushed up his glasses.

"Win?" He looked up to find his mom staring at him with a blank expression, "what's happening, luuk?"

"Mum", he hiccupped trying to hold his emotions in. He cannot fail to put up a happy face. If they say enduring pain happily is a sign of courage, he is courageous. He is.

"Win, why are they laughing at you? Didn't you say your seniors are very nice to you? Why are they laughing at you then?" His mom furrowed his eyebrows, eyes clearly showing concern.

"Joking. They are joking", he gulped trying to keep his tears at bay.

"Is little Winnie too afraid to tell his mama that he wants to be a girl?" Another taunting voice came, probably from Dug.

That was the last straw.

"Shut the fuck up!" Win screamed, not minding where they were, not minding his mother's presence near him. He wants to be brave. At least for a few minutes. At least until they go home and he confesses every tale of torture to his family.

The bullies were quiet for a moment before getting near him, "Is little Winnie baby getting brave in front of his mama?" The guy was probably Fang, but he wasn't interested to know who he was at the moment.

"Yes! And I am braver than you think I am!" He answered. He felt he could hear his funeral bells ringing at a distance. Seems like, he's going to die today. But that thought can wait.

"Oh yes! Of course, you are", he looked back and gestured at the pack and they resuming snickering, "But can you be this braver when you get back to the hostel tomorrow?" The boy added in a low voice.

Win gulped. Something's waiting for him at the hostel tomorrow, and it's going to be a nightmare. He's certain of it.

"Mrs. Opas-iamkjorn, Win probably never said you but he wants to be a girl and dreams of having vag-" The bully was cut short.

NO!

"STOP!" Win screamed, clapping his ears shut as he ran from the place.

He could've punched him right at the moment and could've confessed everything to his family later asking them for their permission to drop out of the university, instead of running away.

But fate is fate.

He didn't wait for his mother to join him in the car and drove out of the parking lot.

He wanted to drive so fast that he could get mixed with the air around him, and vanish. He has no plans to face anyone right now or in the future, no. He has no more courage left to face those humiliations. Those lies about 'how he wants to be a girl' can be endured, but those worse experience that the bullies made him face was something he'd rather die than face ever again.

While his inner traumas surfaced up even more when he took another turn and the universal forces out of the nothingness pushed him away. The car screeched, turned over, and slid against the bumps and pits of the road.

The sharp screeching sounds soon mingled into the violent screams and sound of sirens. Pain invaded his senses.

Finally, he can escape from the chaos, he thought before succumbing to the nothingness.

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Finally, my diary of weird names will come in handy! HAHAHAHA

Any guesses what'll happen next?ಡ ͜ ʖ ಡ