"I'M AFRAID THAT BANDAIDS
ARE NO GOOD FOR HEARTACHE..."
word count: 4,688

"LET'S stay together forever, okay?" The brunette whispered, his hand pressed against Hyunjin's face gently as tears trailed down his own cheeks. Visible pain present in his expression and body language. It was a short blur, a heart-aching scene that Hyunjn never wanted to view again. But, he could not control his vivid dreams that haunted him time to time.

Hyunjin's eyes shot open after those words were said. His forehead formed sweat as it seemed as if his body was experiencing a heat wave, to the way his hands grasped onto his bed sheets trembling by the fact that he had to go through another night watching the nightmare replay through his mind. "Fuck..." Is all he can say, he rubs his temples trying to calm himself down as his body still is stiff from the recent occurrence. But, none of these techniques work as he still shakes in disgust. He had no reason to feel disgusted at himself due to the accident not being his fault, but he had the need to take responsibility for what happened.

But, before more can go on in the span of the little time that he's conscious, his roommate Minho pops into his room. A spatula was in his right hand, covered in what it seemed to be scrambled eggs. They both make eye contact with each other, it was only for a short second but Minho already recognized what was happening and immediately went over to comfort the younger boy. "It's alright..." His voice is gentle, he embraces the boy with one arm as he doesn't want the spatula to have contact with Hyunjin. "It wasn't your fault...it was never your fault Hyunjin."

His words were supposed to be reassuring, he was grateful that Minho was such a sweetheart and put up with him but he didn't feel any better. Each time he still felt the guilt weighing in his heart that has claimed its designated spot in Hyunjin's body. It was growing day by day and he didn't know how to control it. Finally the tears fall, he can't keep them in and it's the same result each time. The older brunette rubs his back, trying to calm him down and be there for him without trying to interfere with his emotions in anyway. "Hyunjin..I'll give you some space okay? Jeongin and I will set up your breakfast on the table."

He nods, wiping away his tears although they continue to flow. Minho pats his head gently, shortly leaving the room after doing so. Hyunjin's tears multiplied as he lets out a choked sob, it's been three years. Three years since the accident but he hasn't forgot the details one bit. Especially since it resulted in three lives being lost. "Please.." His fingers shakily crawl into his hair, grasping onto the dark chestnut locks as he pleads, "Forgive me...I'm so sorry..." He believed the boy kept popping up in his dreams to haunt him for his mistakes, for his stupid suggestion that led him to his death bed. "Please!"

The dream always took place in the same location, the same time and was always in his perspective. It felt like he was living the scene all over again when he was stuck in his nightmare. "Seungmin..." He whispers, he felt unworthy to say his name, as if he was not permitted to say it. "I miss you please..I'm so sorry..." No matter how many times he apologized, each time he came to the conclusion that he was unable to turn back time and bring him back. They were seventeen, he was now twenty.

Hyunjin knew he was unable to predict the future but he couldn't forgive himself for allowing them both to get in that taxi. Everything was going so well, so perfect but his world was crushed in front of him as his life flashed before his eyes. Destruction came and ruined everything. His everything.

"Hyunjin.." A voice calls from behind the door, it follows up with a knock as the familiar voice is Jeongin. "Your breakfast is on the table, just wanted to let you know. Or I can bring it inside if you want."

He tries to hide the fact that he's sobbing, but his voice trembles as he tries to say a word. Besides, Minho probably already told Jeongin what was happening, and it wasn't a surprise anymore. "T-Thanks Jeongin..I'll be out in a bit."

"Okay.." His ears intake the noise of the younger's footsteps leaving the front of his room's door. Jeongin was a good friend of his from high school, to be specific both Minho and him were. They knew about the accident, the toll that it took on him. Everyone was different, for some it took a month or so to fully recover after Seungmin's death. But for Hyunjin himself, he was unable to forget as he was the person to witness his harmed state.

Eleven minutes of staying in bed, he finally stops shaking. He's able to steady his breath and get himself out of bed to exit his room. Jeongin was still at the dining table although his plate was cleared, Minho seemed to finish quickly as he was cleaning up the kitchen space. "Hey, good morning." Minho greets as he acknowledges Hyunjin's being in the area, "How you feeling?"

"Okay.." He replies softly, pulling out the chair next to Jeongin to begin eating. "Thank you for the food.."

"Jeongin helped me make it today," Minho adds in, "so make sure to thank him too.."

Hyunjin takes a glance to the boy next to him, giving him a gentle smile, "Thank you.."

"Of course! I think the eggs may be a little salty..also if they're crunchy..that's the eggshells."

The older boy lets out a small giggle, though that wasn't the greatest thing to hear about his breakfast, he appreciated the fact that Jeongin tried his best to help out in the kitchen. "That's okay, but thank you Jeongin. I mean it."

"Anytime!" He enthusiastically replies.

Minho walks back to the table to grab Jeongin's plate to wash, Jeongin still sits beside Hyunjin while he stares at his breakfast. Ensuring to give him company but space at the same time. "Minho..." Hyunjin breaks the silence, picking at his food as he had no energy to eat. Although they worked hard to prepare it, there were memories still hardwired in his mind that were distracting him from the present. "I don't think therapy has been helping.."

The boy can't turn around as he's focused on the dirty dishes, but he lowers the water pressure of the faucet to hear him better. "Really? Why do you think that?"

Hyunjin shrugs, he allows his back to press against the chair's support and slouches a bit. "I just think it isn't....as much as I do appreciate the fact that i'm able to have the access to talk to someone about my..stuff..everything stays the same. I don't want to waste their time and come back saying the same thing- as well as them not seeing major progress! I may sound impatient but I don't think it's going well...it just..I don't know.."

"Well if you feel that way. It is your decision to stop seeing them or not. It's not mine, I'm fine with whatever you do as long as you know the consequences." The boy replies with ease, he was no life controller, Hyunjin was responsible to know what his decisions could result in. "What's the count today?"

"I think..the third time this week.." Hyunjin says, it was only three out of the seven days but that was still too many for himself to handle. When Minho asked for his count, he was referring to the dream that revolves around the accident three years ago. He kept count of each week and added up the total once the end of the month hit. Each time he got more data, Minho would compare every month to see if they'd decrease or increase. One thing he did notice was that once the month of when the accident took place came around, the amount of dreams tended to increase than the median. "They just happen..I don't know how to stop it..."

"You just..need to forgive yourself Hyunjin. You're in denial when it comes to the fact that it wasn't your fault. You've claimed the blame when it isn't true, it wasn't. We just want you to understand that." Minho explains in a soft tone, he was careful with his words because he knew that some things triggered Hyunjin. That his mind pulled his trail of thought into a different perspective which made his views worsen. "You need to grasp onto the fact that it was the other drivers fault, not yours."

Jeongin nods, agreeing with the older boy's words, "He's right. It was not your fault and never will be. Seungmin wouldn't want you feeling this way, especially since it's been so long."

"I-I know.." Hyunjin heads falls down, he looks at his hands that rest in his lap. "But..I feel like whenever he pops up in my dream..the vivid scene of him you know..it feels like a crime. A punishment for not dying with him. I-I just miss him so much..you know how much he meant to me.."

"Oh hyung..we know." Jeongin turns his body to face to the boy, his knees touch Hyunjin's thighs slightly, "But, he wouldn't want you being so sad all the time. I know it hurts a lot, but, Seungmin wouldn't want you hurting.."

"It hurts a lot Jeongin...I-I love him..."

"It's not easy, but we're gonna be here to help you through this. Because it's been taking a toll on your whole life." Minho is finally done washing the dishes, he squats besides Hyunjin and looks up to make eye contact with the boy who still has his head down. "Its gonna take a long time Hyunjin, but, start off slow okay?"

He tries to smile, but he can't. His lips try to curl up but they only fall back down into their resting position. "Yeah.." Hyunjin was aware he'd have to get over this at some point in his life, maybe the dreams were a message to let him go. "Yeah..okay."

"Your happiness will make Seungmin happy. Don't you think?"

"I guess.." The answer wasn't strong, but good enough for Minho. "Well..what do I have to do in order to come to peace with myself? Or is that something I have to figure out myself."

"You're correct, that's all up to you Hyunjin." Minho confirms, he didn't want to interfere with Hyunjin's healing time. He also didn't want Jeongin too either. "This is your time to heal Hyunjin, it's not up for Jeongin and I to decide."

"Okay.." Hyunjin replies, he lifts his head and stares at his plate. "I'll save this for later, thank you though." As he refers to the untouched food on the dish, "I'm going to go take a walk. Is that okay?"

Jeongin laughs, "Hyung, you're twenty. I'm sure you're allowed to take a walk."

"Right." He snaps his fingers, pointing to a random area in the room and laughs. "Totally knew that.."

Minho takes care of his plate in order for Hyunjin to get ready. Once he disappears off into his room, Jeongin looks at Minho who is placing the platter into the fridge carefully, "You think he's gonna be okay?"

"I trust him, you should too." Minho firmly states, he doesn't want to second guess the younger. He wasn't going to do that. "He just needs time."

♡

It didn't take long for Hyunjin to get ready, he put on a simple outfit only because he was going to take a stroll around the city. He already knew what he was going to do, he had a plan. He truly wanted to forgive himself, he knew that he couldn't because he's been stuck in a state of denial that he's become accustomed to. Hyunjin once again knew that he wasn't able to predict the future, his seventeen year old self did not know that the crash was going to happen. It's just how the world worked.

But today, he wanted to bring closure to himself. To him and Seungmin, he wasn't going to forget him completely. That definitely was something he couldn't do. Especially since he was in love with the boy. He knew he shouldn't rush things, but it was just a simple test run.

He came to the conclusion that he wanted to do some of the things that Seungmin loved doing. That included, photography, shopping, lots of yummy food and painting (although he wasn't that good). So, for his schedule today he made sure to capture some scenes in order to compile into a photo album. Then, he'd go search a Day6 album to set in his room because Seungmin was very much fond of the band. The list was self-explanatory and he was ready to take off. Before leaving his shared apartment, he says goodbye to Minho and Jeongin, informing them that he'd be home before dinner and sets off.

He was hit with a light breeze of wind, his locks begin to move with the air as they become messy. Hyunjin mentally thanked himself for bringing a beanie as he slipped it onto his head shortly before continuing. His first stop was the music shop, he brought a backpack to hold all the items he'd be shopping for today. It was about a ten minute walk to the closet shop, it seemed like a stretch but he could make it into six minutes with his long legs. "I don't think Day6 has had a comeback recently? I mean..I don't own any of their albums so I'm guessing any albums work. Min was a fan of their whole discography."

Hyunjin shortly realized that it was a first time in a while where he took the day to do whatever he wanted. The fact that he always sheltered himself in his room doing nothing all day was way different compared to this. Although his bed was comforting, it was good to get his body up and moving. It didn't take long for him to reach the shop, he was also listening to music through his airpods. The trip was rather quick if the time was counted by the amount of songs he listened to from when he started to once he arrived. Entering the shop, it wasn't as busy as usual. He headed straight to the album section to select a Day6 album. Once he spotted the row dedicated to the group's albums, his eyes scanned the titles as he was unable to chose which one to buy. If Seungmin were with him, he'd be shouting to buy any because all of them were 'bops'. Definitely something he'd say.

"This one..." Hyunjin's right hand grabs a red album, it says Remember Us: Youth Part 2, he remembered listening to the album with Seungmin once it dropped. The younger boy cried once the song 'Hurt Road' came on due to the lyrics breaking his heart. "I'll buy this one." As it was the one album that brought a great amount of memories to his mind. He thought he'd take a bit long, but he was wrong. Hyunjin makes his way towards the register to purchase the album and heads off with his day.

Next, he's off to get a quick drink and snack. Only because he didn't eat the breakfast made by Minho and Jeongin. He felt horrible really, but within the moment his appetite was thrown out the window last minute. So, he needed something in his stomach to fill up his energy bar. He spots a café across the street, it was quite familiar amongst individuals that lived nearby. Hyunjin also recalled going to this café with Seungmin a couple times. Crossing the street safely, he makes his way inside the café to find it bustling, which was expected as they were a popular spot for hang outs, study sessions or just anything. As long as you didn't make any trouble of course. So Hyunjin waits in line patiently, ensuring he knew what he was going to order before talking to the cashier because being prepared was easier for everyone in the end. Once it's his turn to go to the register, he requests for a strawberry banana smoothie and a slice of banana bread. He removes his card that sits in the back of his phone case and hands it to the cashier. They slide his card, asking for an optional tip and his signature. Once they're done with the procedure the cashier hands Hyunjin his receipt and card back, now he waits for his number to be called. Hyunjin found this all a bit easing to the heart, he would say he was felt slightly better, definitely not healed since it was a process that was going to take more than a day. But, he found it nice to be doing these things for Seungmin.

"Order number one hundred twenty two!" One of the barista's yell, setting the order in the pick up section of the working area. Hyunjin checks his order number and it was his, he lets out a small laugh, "Twenty two..the day Seungmin was born." He thanks the workers, grabbing a straw to poke into the small hole of the cup's lid and grabs his food with his other hand. After that, he sets off to the art shop. Eating and drinking his beverage on the way there, he was not ashamed to admit that he ate everything in the span of about six minutes. The café's food was delicious, but with an empty stomach it made things taste even better. Hyunjin had less than half of his smoothie left so he was sure he'd have to throw it away before entering the art shop.

Hyunjin found himself in a lucky position as everywhere he needed to go was nearby each other, for a Saturday it was quite busy on the streets and on the road. But, he didn't mind. He had more things to worry about than the amount of people outside completing their own individual schedules. He arrives in front of the art shop and is also finished with his drink, throwing it into the right waste bin, he makes his way inside to shop for some items. He did have a lot of the essentials at home already, such as mod podge, a variety of paints and brushes. But, he was running low on canvases so he reminded himself to snatch a couple of those. Hyunjin also couldn't resist a couple other things, such as new paints as there were a variety of colors set out on display for his sticky hands to grab. Sure it would dent his wallet, but was it worth it? Yes.

After contemplating between multiple shades of blue and having a crisis of which new paints to take home. He grabs whatever he can afford right now and which colors he seem to be more drawn to. Once that's cleared up, he dashed to the register before his eyes catch any more items he may want to add to his spree. The art shop was never really full, it had a small amount of life to it so Hyunjin found himself in then out of the store. He checked the time, it was only one p.m so really he was going to be coming home way earlier than expected. But, he knew Minho was probably going to be happy by that fact. It may have ended early - well not necessarily, he did have blank canvases that were yearning to be used.

So, he begins to walk back home.

He doesn't plug his airpods in, in fact they were removed once he entered the café and he never inserted them back in. Seemed like too much of a hassle and the sound of the world was something he should be intaking, incase he got holed up in his room again. The way back home isn't far, maybe about a twenty minute walk (or faster of course with his legs ). But, the streets become crowder by the second, he believes it's because everyone is getting off work or is on their lunch break. It wasn't something he was bothered by, due to himself being tall he was able to walk through without any problems.

Minutes into his walk, he's not that far from home. But, there are sirens that fill his ear that remind him of that time. His body reacted, hands clutching onto his backpack straps as they became closer. His response is to only walk faster, but it seemed as if they were following the direction he was heading to. Only a street or so away from his shared apartment, he realizes that the crowding of the street is not because of busy individuals. But because of an accident ahead. He stops in his tracks, realizing the fact that crossing the street was going to be difficult as officers tried to lead pedestrians towards a more safer route . It didn't seem like a big crash, a taxi collided with a motorcycle on accident. Which explained the slender two-wheeled vehicle that laid on the ground with part slightly damaged. Nobody seemed to be hurt, but the mutters of the crowd only made things worse.

"Imagine getting into a car and suddenly being involved in a minor accident. Should just trust your instincts and walk."

"It's not as bad as the other taxi accident that happened years ago."

"You're right, that one was terrible."

Hyunjin heard everything, people still remember? He couldn't allow his ears to become endorsed into their words, he couldn't. Things were going so well and he couldn't let things fall apart just now.

"Wouldn't the kids know that it would be dangerous to ride a taxi at night while raining? Isn't that common sense."

"Well, anything can happen."

"Years ago and it's still being brought up."

He runs, flighting away from the scene as he couldn't handle it no more. Though he was supposed to listen to the officer, he speed right passed him and towards his apartment. Hyunjin needed to get his mind off the situation, off of that night. Once he sees their apartment complex, he runs up the stairs and hastily removes his keys from his pocket. Jabbing his apartment key into the hole, he twists it open which leads him stumbling inside. Minho and Jeongin aren't anywhere near to witness his appearance, which he was thankful for. He removes the key, shutting the door and locking it. Kicking off his shoes he heads straight to his room and says nothing to the boys.

He slips off his backpack, tossing it onto the bed as his hands crawl up into his scalp, tugging onto his hair just like this morning. He can't, no matter how long people seem to remember and the memory is drilled into his mind. Hyunjin's back hits his door, sliding down he rests his forehead onto his knees.

Once again he finds himself sobbing, the memory soon takes over. It was mid September, Hyunjin had finally grown the guts to ask out Seungmin on an actual date a week before his birthday. He had a whole day set, from morning to night. They hung out at Hyunjin's house for a little, went to eat lunch and even decided to go bowling. After that, they played games at the arcade and headed off for dinner. Things were supposed to end there, but Seungmin didn't want to leave yet so Hyunjin brought up the idea of watching a movie.

So, they did.

Losing track of time, Hyunjin and Seungmin spent the whole day together, trailing far off from home and were holding hands late at night. They couldn't walk home, knowing that the distance was too far for their feet to handle. And in addition to that, once they exited the cinema it was pouring. The weather was not on their side that night and it brought more harm to the accident. So, Hyunjin suggested a taxi. Seungmin decided to call one as he was up for the idea. He did not want to bother his older sister who would go berserk if asked to he picked up when it was already twelve a.m. They talked while they waited, Seungmin's head resting on Hyunjin's shoulder as he was tired from the adventure they experienced together. Shortly, their ride arrived and they were off home.

With the heavy rain and night covering their sky, it was difficult for the driver to see. He ensured to drive slower than usual and take higher precautions as he knew that little mistakes could create major injuries. But, it was not the drivers fault for the accident that occurred. Yet another car. As window wipers were helpful, sometimes they didn't bring clear enough vision in time for some individuals. The car upcoming the intersection kept going straight when their light was red, while the car that Seungmin and Hyunjin were in had a green light. The rest was self explanatory. The seat that Seungmin sat in was the first area the car hit, knocking them into a spinning state before colliding within a pole. Hyunjin scratched up and injured by the disaster was lucky, but the other two individuals in the car were not. The one who crashed into them also did not survive. He was never able to describe the state that Seungmin was in, he wasn't able to tell a soul but the way he showed up in his dreams were different. Seungmin, breathing only seconds before his passing told him a phrase, the same one he always heard before waking up.

He wondered if that's what Seungmin wished for, to stay together forever. Because their memories made before the tragedy were so innocent, so mesmerizing that Hyunjin was in denial that everything had happened. And took the blame even though he was responsible for nothing. He can't hear the footsteps that run towards his room, he knows his crying is highly audible and that both boys would burst inside any second. And he was correct, because Minho pushed open the door, once he captured the state Hyunjin was in he pulled him into an embrace, gently rubbing the boy's hair.

"M-Minho! I can't do this!" Hyunjin cries, his voice scratchy from the fact that his throat is dry. "P-Please! I tried so hard today..I-I really did, j-just for Seungmin, f-for myself!"

"I know you did..I'm so proud of you..I really am."

"I-I can't let him go! H-He's stuck in my head, he's basically apart of me. P-People around know and talked about the accident..i-if they aren't able to forget it how can I!"

Minho can't speak, he can only listen as he knows Hyunjin wants to put out his feelings first before they can talk it out. "M-Minho..I-I miss him.. s-so much!" Hyunjin clutches onto his shirt, it specifically is above his heart. "I-I love him..I love him so much!"

"I did everything..just for him today! J-Just to have some sort of closure..but..I-I made things worse..b-because I realized he's all I ever think about. I-I'm trying to patch up everything when I-I know I can't. I t-tell myself I can't but it seems like today I tried to do that.." His lips tremble, he lets go of his shirt and returns the embrace to Minho. "It's as if i'm trying to place a bandaid on this! Covering up the everything and, I-I'm afraid bandaids are no good for heartache..."

END