11. The three drunken musketeers

"You've got a really excessive imagination…"

"Thank you Baby, I will take that as a compliment."

"It wasn't one…."

"I can't hear you…"

***

Xiao Zhan didn’t know what to feel as he opened the door to his refuge early in the morning. He had just returned home after talking with Reira and the others throughout the night. The sight that met him was a swath of desolation, with two suspected culprits nowhere to be seen. Scratching his head, he carefully navigated through the debris, avoiding anything sharp underfoot.

“What in the name of God happened here?” Reira, who had accompanied him until now, stood wide-eyed at the mess.

“Aye, princess, you have some explaining to do, I guess…” Xiao Zhan whistled in amazement, surveying the wreckage. Despite the destruction, he couldn’t help but be a little impressed.

“Your princess seems to be quite the character. I am… impressed,” Reira said, a hint of disbelief in her voice as she nudged a broken mug aside with her foot. “I’m honestly wondering how your ship is still sailing.”

“Oh, you have no idea!” Xiao Zhan laughed proudly, but his expression shifted when his gaze landed on an overturned table surrounded by empty jars.

‘Did my princess drink all this alone?’ Xiao Zhan wondered, both amused and incredulous.

“But where is he?” Reira asked, posing the only meaningful question amidst the chaos.

Suddenly, loud cursing and screeching erupted from behind them, as if answering Reira’s question. A completely bombed-out princess, a not-so-great-looking parrot, and - surprise - a heavily worn-out Xue Yang tumbled into the room through a window.

“What’s wrong with using the door? You know, like normal people!?” Xue Yang groaned, rubbing his back after his graceless fall onto the hard floor.

“I forgot the key, and the stupid bird flew out of the window, remember?” Wang Yi Bo hissed at his “friend” while holding a half-conscious parrot in his hands.

“Don’t look at me like I’m the one at fault!” Xue Yang retorted.

“You brought the alcohol!”

“So what?!”

Xiao Zhan cocked his head, observing the scene with a clear hint of amusement. He chuckled and cleared his throat, slowly walking toward the trio. “Do you need some help, my princess? Yang?” He asked smugly, leaning casually against the wall.

The dishevelled heads of both men shot up to meet his sweetly smiling face, panic and guilt written all over their exhausted features.

“Uhm…” Wang Yi Bo stammered.

“Well…” Xue Yang mumbled.

Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow, his expression inviting an explanation.

“Xiao Zhan… we can explain! But first, we have something important to tell you!” Wang Yi Bo blurted out, waving his hands animatedly, momentarily forgetting the parrot, which squawked weakly as it slipped from his grip.

Xiao Zhan just raised both eyebrows, more intrigued than before.

Xue Yang nodded vigorously. “Yes, Cap! It’s true! Very important!”

Xiao Zhan crossed his arms, still eyeing the bird on the floor, and waited expectantly for them to start.

“I’m all ears…”

***

Earlier in the evening

Wang Yi Bo sighed in annoyance and plopped himself onto the comfortable sofa in the living area, feeling the relief of the cushions beneath him. As soon as the door closed behind Xiao Zhan, who disappeared through the wooden frame, Wang Yi Bo sat staring at it, lips curled into a pout. He hoped that if he just stared long enough, Xiao Zhan would miraculously return. But the only thing that came back with full force was the dull ache in his back, a pain he'd been ignoring until now. On second thought, maybe it wasn’t so bad if Xiao Zhan stayed out for a while.

His ass cried out in relief.

As he continued his futile attempt to hypnotise the door, Wang Yi Bo suddenly felt a piercing gaze on his nape. He turned around to find Kuko, perched on her branch, drilling holes into his head with her malicious stares.

Wang Yi Bo rolled his eyes in frustration. As if being left here wasn’t bad enough, having the pillow-filling for company didn’t improve his situation. “Stop that, you vermin. Leave me alone! Or I’ll get your box from the ship!” He barked angrily, waving a hand in her direction.

Kuko squinted her eyes, then turned around haughtily. With a defiant lift of her tail feathers, she pooped on the floor, giving Wang Yi Bo her very clear opinion of him.

‘Why me? What did I do in my past life to deserve this feathered menace?’ Wang Yi Bo lamented internally.

Frustrated and unsatisfied with his current situation, Wang Yi Bo grabbed a small pillow from the sofa and hurled it at Kuko. Not expecting this audacious attack, the bird let out a startled scream and leaped out of the line of fire just in time. The pillow crashed into the cupboard behind her, sending everything on it clattering to the floor. Both Wang Yi Bo and Kuko stared at the pile of broken items with wide eyes.

Perfect... just perfect...

Wang Yi Bo rubbed his temples, feeling a headache forming. Despite the mishap, he tried his best to ignore his unwanted companion. But to his dismay, Kuko quickly figured out how to effectively get on his nerves.

In an effort to avoid committing murder, Wang Yi Bo pondered his options. Since he didn’t particularly enjoy the bird’s company, he decided it might be best to leave the house and find a drink somewhere. Alcohol would help. Yes, he was sure of that.

Maybe he could go to Cindy’s... but what if the air was filled with metal again? Ah, he’d worry about that later. Anywhere was better than being stuck here with the feathery pest.

Having made up his mind, Wang Yi Bo rose from the sofa and quickly left the scene, hoping to slip away unnoticed by his fluffy tormentor.

But, as if the pillow-filling wouldn’t notice...

His initial plans were doomed from the start. The sky was growing darker, and unfamiliar with the area, Wang Yi Bo soon found himself wandering through dimly lit alleys. He was quite certain these alleys hadn't been on their way home earlier. To make matters worse, Kuko found him shortly after he left and began pestering him with her incessant chirruping.

‘Why me? I just want alcohol... Xiao Zhan, where are you when you’re needed?’

Deeply frustrated, Wang Yi Bo put all his effort into escaping the persistent parrot, who kept attempting to perch on his head.

“Peeps!” Kuko chirped insistently.

“Would you stop that, you beast!” Wang Yi Bo snapped.

“Peeps!”

“Leave me alone!”

“Peeps!”

“I swear, I’ll pluck your feathers one by one if you don’t stop!” He threatened.

Kuko hissed and settled on his shoulder, nibbling aggressively at his ear. Seizing the opportunity, Wang Yi Bo grabbed her with one hand, holding her firmly.

“Screech!!” Kuko protested.

“Keep quiet! It’s your—”

Suddenly, hushed voices drifted from a nearby house. Wang Yi Bo froze, unable to make out all the words, but two stood out clearly: Xiao Zhan and trap. His ears perked up at the mention of his pirate captain.

Kuko squawked, ready to voice her displeasure again, but Wang Yi Bo quickly covered her beak with his hand.

“Shh! Kuko, we need to hear this. It’s about Xiao Zhan!” He whispered urgently.

The mention of her king seemed to have a miraculous effect on Kuko. Her eyes widened, and she quieted down, both now listening intently as they edged closer to the small house.

“...get that done, it’ll lure him into our trap and wipe that smug smile off his face...”

Wang Yi Bo’s blood boiled at the words, his anger simmering beneath the surface.

“Did you hear that?” He whispered to Kuko. “Xiao Zhan needs to know about this. We have to go back and plan how to expose these traitors! Show me the way back; I’m lost here.”

Kuko looked at him with sceptical, narrowed eyes.

‘As if I’d ever ask you for help willingly.’ Wang Yi Bo thought.

“Don’t give me that look,” he said. “I know we’d both rather see each other dead, but this is for Xiao Zhan, okay? Help me just this once!”

Reluctantly, Kuko nodded, flapping her wings to indicate the direction they needed to go. A temporary truce between them, they set off, hurriedly making their way back to the refuge to warn Xiao Zhan.

Back at the house, Kuko perched silently on her branch, leaving her nemesis in peace as they shared their uneasy alliance. Wang Yi Bo slumped down on the big bed, staring at the ceiling, his mind racing with thoughts of what to do next.

Until…

"Aye princess, wanna have a drink? Xing went with Cap, I am bored! Let's hang out!"

Hearing the familiar voice of his former most disliked crewmember of the year, Wang Yi Bo groaned exasperated and hid his face under one of the pillows in Xiao Zhans bed. He sniffed and happily inhaled the scent of the pirate he loved so much.

'The scent, not the pirate! The pirate was mean and left him alone with his stupid bird! But still….' He thought.

"Come on princess! I got good stuff to drink!"

'Should I just pretend to be dead?' He wondered inwardly.

"I know you are there! Open the door! Or I will come through the window!"

"Tsk, the windows are closed, you idiot!" Wang Yi Bo grinned and snuggled into the pillow, still sniffing at it.

But the feathery traitor in his house just opened one of the shutters and let the disturbance in.

'I swear, one day, I will roast you…'

***

Sitting in the living room, after one or two drinks had loosened his tongue, Wang Yi Bo decided to tell Xue Yang about the traitors and what they were planning. As expected, Xue Yang was furious. He might be an asshole on the outside, but he was loyal to his family. And even though he would never admit it openly, Wang Yi Bo dared to consider him a kind of weird friend. Very weird, but okay.

Xue Yang waved his almost-empty mug in the air, sloshing the remaining contents onto the floor.

"So, let me get this straight. You want to work together with the parrot??" Xue Yang raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Aye, you have to choose your partners carefully when going on a mission! What are they even teaching you in your Company?!"

Wang Yi Bo looked at him and then at the spilled liquid, slightly piqued. "Unfortunately, I was running out of options, you bastard!"

Kuko, upon hearing this, screeched in offense, her feathers ruffled.

"Whatever, you're in luck! You have me now!" Xue Yang declared proudly, puffing out his chest.

"I don't see how that's supposed to be lucky for me. Why are you so clingy lately, anyway?" Wang Yi Bo countered skeptically, raising an eyebrow.

"I am not!" Xue Yang protested, clearly offended.

"You are! It creeps me out... kinda..."

Xue Yang chuckled awkwardly. "Alright, alright. I know we didn't get off to the best start, and I did apologize, by the way. But after what you did on the ship..."

"Forget about that. Let's not talk about it anymore," Wang Yi Bo interrupted, sighing as he patted Xue Yang's shoulder.

"Why not? You might start to like me!" Xue Yang grinned smugly.

"In your dreams..." Wang Yi Bo rolled his eyes. "So what do we do about the traitors? We need to intercept the message before they can send it. Any useful ideas?"

"We sacrifice the parrot!" Xue Yang clapped his hands together, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“...”

"Please, elaborate."

"Screech?!" Kuko squawked indignantly.

"I knew you'd be interested. So listen, they'll have to use carrier pigeons to send the message. The parrot can catch it and take the message. Oh, by the way, did you know that Cap wanted to train Kuko to be a carrier too? But she was too stupid to memorise the routes..." Xue Yang laughed at the parrot, who glared daggers at him upon hearing the insult.

"How unexpected..." Wang Yi Bo said, smiling smugly, successfully infuriating the bird further.

Poor Kuko...

After much back-and-forth debate and a lot of coaxing to get the parrot to agree to their "master plan," the three self-declared heroes prepared for their mission.

Thanks to Xue Yang, who had an excellent knowledge of the town and its layout, they found the dovecote where the spies kept their pigeons with little trouble. All they had to do now was wait. From what Wang Yi Bo had overheard earlier, the traitors intended to meet and send the message around midnight from here.

"And you're really sure they'll come here?" Xue Yang frowned skeptically after sitting in a corner for more than half an hour.

"They said they would earlier! I heard it clearly," Wang Yi Bo defended himself, his gaze fixed on the door.

Meanwhile, their feathery comrade was fast asleep next to them on the ground, nestled into a pile of straw. Wang Yi Bo rolled his eyes, annoyed.

‘What a professional team you've got yourself, Wang Yi Bo…’

But Xue Yang's next words amazed him.

"I am glad you were there and tried to help. I don't know what would have happened otherwise," Xue Yang said solemnly, his voice unusually soft.

"Did you just compliment me?" Wang Yi Bo asked, astonished.

"Who's complimenting you?" Xue Yang huffed, quickly turning his face away to hide his embarrassment.

"You did!" Wang Yi Bo exclaimed teasingly, unable to hide his delight.

"Don't get the wrong impression now, princess!" A faint blush crept across Xue Yang's cheeks, making Wang Yi Bo grin even wider.

Before Wang Yi Bo could tease him more, a creaking sound of a door being opened silenced them both. Instinctively, they crouched down into their corner, holding their breath.

"Look, here they come!" Wang Yi Bo whispered excitedly, nudging Xue Yang and pointing toward the dovecote entrance.

Two squat figures sneaked inside, heading straight to the dovecote without paying much attention to their surroundings.

Wang Yi Bo and Xue Yang exchanged a glance, then quickly followed the men, moving with the stealth and precision they’d honed over years of close encounters.

Kuko, who had been dozing off, was jolted awake by Xue Yang's subtle kick. With a quick nod from Wang Yi Bo, the parrot took flight, ready to intercept any pigeon carrying the incriminating message. She knew what was at stake; her king's safety depended on it.

Xue Yang and Wang Yi Bo moved silently, each of them trailing one of the unsuspecting intruders. They had to act quickly. Wang Yi Bo signaled with his fingers, counting down from three.

Three. Two. One.

In perfect synchrony, they lunged at their targets, using the blunt sides of their weapons for a precise, knockout blow. At the same time, they clamped their hands over the men’s mouths to muffle any cries for help.

Wang Yi Bo’s target crumpled to the ground with a muffled moan, unconscious before he hit the dirt. Xue Yang was already restraining the third man, who struggled ineffectively against his grip.

"What are you doing? I said knock them out, not kill them!" Wang Yi Bo hissed, eyeing the struggle.

"Sorry, but in this case, I am not a Sissi like you!" Xue Yang shot back, a grin playing on his lips even as he subdued his opponent.

"Who's a Sissi? We need to question them! We talked about that."

"We have three, can't I kill one?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!"

"You're so boring!"

"Whatever. Leave him be and search for the message!" Wang Yi Bo said, rubbing his temples, clearly exasperated.

Xue Yang rolled his eyes but complied, searching the men thoroughly. But apart from an old note with cryptic instructions, they found nothing. Their hearts sank.

"They must have sent it already," Wang Yi Bo muttered in frustration, running a hand through his hair. "Let's hope Kuko has better luck. We need to warn Xiao Zhan and the others."

Xue Yang nodded in agreement, tying the unconscious men together before they hastily made their way outside.

Outside, a huge wave of relief washed over Wang Yi Bo as he spotted Kuko. She stood triumphantly, wings spread wide over a half-dead pigeon, the message clutched securely in her beak.

Nobody gets away with the intention to hurt her king! Kuko seemed to say with a defiant glare.

"Well, that success screams for a celebration, don't you think?" Xue Yang asked, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

Wang Yi Bo took the message from Kuko, his eyes scanning its contents. As expected, it contained detailed information about new routes, manpower, and coordinates for a possible ambush against Xiao Zhan’s crew. With a satisfied nod, he carefully folded it and tucked it into his bag. A mischievous grin spread across his face. "Since we have to wait for Xiao Zhan to come home anyway… Let's celebrate! I am in dire need of alcohol!"

"That's what I wanna hear, princess!" Xue Yang laughed, throwing an arm around Wang Yi Bo’s shoulders.

The two of them headed home energetically, Kuko flying in lazy circles above them, happy and content with her successful mission.

But things soon turned out a little different than planned. When did plans ever go the way they were supposed to?

Back at the refuge, Wang Yi Bo poured generous servings of rum, handing one to Xue Yang and keeping one for himself. Kuko perched nearby, watching them with her beady eyes, clearly hoping for a treat. 

"To victory!" Wang Yi Bo raised his mug, clinking it against Xue Yang’s with a satisfying clang. 

"To Kuko, our unlikely hero," Xue Yang added, raising his mug in the parrot’s direction. 

Kuko chirped approvingly, obviously pleased with her newfound status as a hero. 

Wang Yi Bo smiled and took a sip out of his mug. "Thanks," he said quietly, glancing at Xue Yang. 

"For what?" Xue Yang asked, feigning ignorance. 

"For having my back." 

Xue Yang shrugged, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Don’t mention it. Just don't get too used to it." 

Wang Yi Bo chuckled softly, shaking his head. "Wouldn't dream of it." 

Both men made themselves comfortable in the cozy living room, enjoying one drink after another, busy lamenting about their respective owners - or rather, partners. Neither of them noticed the curious parrot eying the jars and mugs filled with rum on the table. 

"…See? That's why you’re the bottom! You’re not clever enough!" Xue Yang slammed his fist on the table, causing everything on it to shake dangerously. His voice was already slurry from the amount of drinks he’d had. 

"Aren't you a bottom too?" Wang Yi Bo asked, trying to process what the other was saying. But his brain wasn’t functioning correctly. 

"That's not the same! I only let him think he has power over me!" Xue Yang argued.

"Yeah… that’s why you always lose it when XingChen finds out you did some bullshit again!" 

"I am not…." 

CLANG!

Both men simultaneously turned toward the table. Between the jars and mugs lay the parrot, seemingly unconscious. 

Wang Yi Bo and Xue Yang blinked and looked at each other, their gazes switching between them and Kuko. 

"Did it do what I think it did?" 

"Depends on what you were thinking. Do you even know how to think?" Wang Yi Bo leaned forward and poked his finger at the obviously drunk bird, shaking it a bit. Just then, the beady eyes opened, and Kuko shot away like a rocket. 

What Wang Yi Bo and Xue Yang didn’t expect was that the bird would freak out like a squirrel on speed. The alcohol in her system acted fast as she started to race around the room, hitting everything she could and knocking things to the ground. 

With their own muddled heads, the drunken princess and her friend realised their mistake and tried to catch the feathery rocket. But since both were not in their right minds and definitely not able to control their bodies, the room soon looked like a war zone. The table and chairs were turned upside down, the pillows were torn, the sofa was covered with dirt, rum, and other unrecognisable substances, the majority of the cupboard's contents lay scattered across the floor, and even some of the curtains fell down. 

At some point, Kuko started screaming, "My king! My king!" and changed her course to head out of the window. 

The drunken idiots had no choice but to follow the parrot - who knew what else she would do? So Wang Yi Bo, not fully in control of his senses, simply jumped through the window and took up the pursuit. 

"Just so you know, you flying rat, it's MY king, not yours!" Wang Yi Bo yelled on top of his lungs.

Xue Yang facepalmed when he heard the princess shouting and ran after them… through the window, of course. 

"Not helping, princess!" 

A long, long, long chase awaited them. 

***

"Sooo… what exactly are you trying to say now? I think I lost track somewhere between back pain and alcohol…" Reira rubbed her temples. Xue Yang and Wang Yi Bo were alternately trying to summarise the events, but kept interrupting each other or trailing off into unnecessary details that she could have lived well without.

"Can you give me the message, my princess?" Xiao Zhan, unusually serious, approached Wang Yi Bo and held out his hand. Without hesitation, Wang Yi Bo gave the folded piece of paper to him. The Captain read it carefully several times before handing it to Reira.

"We should tell the others later. Our plans need a little change…" Tapping his chin with a finger, Xiao Zhan paced around his princess, deep in thought. "Where are the men?" he asked, looking up at Wang Yi Bo.

"We tied them up in the dovecote," Wang Yi Bo replied, slightly unsure of what Xiao Zhan was thinking.

The sharp snap of a jackknife resonated through the quiet room. Reira, trembling with fury, flipped the blade open with a look of determination. "I'll take care of that. You need rest, Xiao Zhan. Leave this to me and my men."

Xiao Zhan nodded, trusting Reira to handle the situation.

With that, she turned on her heels and headed toward the door but paused momentarily. Turning back to Wang Yi Bo and Xue Yang, she slightly bowed her head.

"Thank you," she said sincerely before leaving the room.

Xue Yang left shortly afterward, taking the hint from his Captain that his husband was impatiently waiting for him at home.

Once they were finally alone, Xiao Zhan gently placed Kuko on a blanket on the floor. Then, without a word, he grabbed his princess by the collar, his eyes filled with a mix of gratitude and mischief. Before Wang Yi Bo could react, Xiao Zhan pulled him into the bedroom. With surprising ease, he tossed his surprised lover onto the bed.

"Princess, you're about to receive the reward of your life. I'm so proud of you, and my junior can't wait to say thank you," Xiao Zhan said with a devilish grin.

Wang Yi Bo swallowed at these words, his eyes fixed on Xiao Zhan as he slowly began to undress. The sight was enough to make Wang Yi Bo's heart race with anticipation. Inwardly, his libido screamed Hallelujah…

What a night…