"Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes." Tori Amos

----

IV. The Big A

Sophie manically spread some marmite on a bit of toast and shoved it in her mouth as she threw Maddie's lunch together.

They were late, all because Sophie thought it was a good idea to push her luck by trying to get Maddie to do her reader when she woke up. Maddie, being Maddie, had thrown the monster of all tantrums, and had locked herself in the bathroom, flatly refusing to come out if Sophie was going to take her to school.

After begging, pleading, and bargaining with a bloody eight-year-old for half an hour, Sophie had given in once again, and had promised to take her into the city to spend the morning with Pete while Sophie had her meeting.

That meant a trip into town, and back out again, and if they did not leave soon, Sophie was going to be incredibly late, and she did not want to start that meeting off looking like a bad mum.

It would end that way, but she didn't want it to start that way.

Sophie looked around her tiny flat as she searched for her handbag. God, it was a tip. She hadn't folded her sofa bed back up, and her bedding was everywhere. There were dishes in the sink, and baskets of washing everywhere. It was a perfect representation of the chaos that was her emotional state at that minute.

"Maddie, let's go!" Sophie cried, taking the piece of toast out of her mouth to shout.

Maddie trotted out of the bathroom having just brushed her teeth. She was not dressed in her school uniform and had instead picked out her own mismatch of floral clothing. She had fixed her own hair with butterfly slips and a flower crown headband, though her hair still needed a good brush. Sophie didn't have time to care.

She found her handbag in one of the washing baskets and she fetched her keys from the kitchen bench. Taking Maddie's hand, she locked her front door behind her, and they raced down the stairs together.

What was poor Pete going to say when Sophie arrived? She had never asked him to look after Maddie by himself before, and she did not have courage enough to text him on the off chance he said no. Selfishly, she needed to put him on the spot so that she could get to her meeting on time.

***

At twenty-five past eight, Sophie and Maddie rushed through the door of the West End Piano Bar.

Pete was standing at the till counting the takings from Thursday night, and there was music in the air as Noah sat at the piano, once again surrounded by his mass of sheet music. He did stop to look up at her when she arrived, and he offered her a small smile.

Sophie was too stressed to return the greeting.

"Pete, I'm in a jam!" Sophie panicked.

Pete frowned immediately, before he read between the lines as he looked down at Maddie. "No," he said flatly. "I can't be responsible for a child. There's alcohol in here. She needs to be watched by her mum."

"She's not going to get drunk, Pete!" exclaimed Sophie. "Please, I'm desperate. I've got to get back out to her school for a nine o'clock meeting, and I've already had a bloody terrible morning and I didn't even get to drink my tea!" she guilted.

Sophie did think regretfully to the cup of English Breakfast that was steeping by her kettle undrunk.

Releasing Maddie's hand, Sophie clasped hers together. "Please," she begged.

"Sophie, I've got things to do this morning," Pete said regretfully. "I've got to duck out in a minute anyway as I've run out of limes. Can't you take her with you?"

Sophie was about to lose it. Not out of anger for Pete, but just because it was like some people didn't realise that Sophie had already tried the obvious choice, and that had resulted in her angel daughter transforming into a demonic dictator.

"I'll watch her if you want."

Both Sophie and Pete turned around to look at Noah. Neither had noticed that he had stopped playing as their conversation heated with Sophie's anxiety.

Ordinarily, Sophie would never had accepted his offer. Noah was essentially a stranger, a man off the street from God knows where, who just happened to be a talented pianist.

The stress and panic had clearly compromised her judgement.

"Really?" cried Sophie.

Noah stood up from the piano and walked over to Sophie and Maddie. Sophie then realised that this was the first time that she had seen Noah standing. She had not realised he was so tall. He stood at least a head taller than her.

"You have no idea how much this means to me, Noah, really," Sophie gushed gratefully. "She won't be any trouble, she really is a good girl," she promised. Maddie was especially good when she got her way. It was for Sophie that she liked to be a terror.

"It's no trouble. I'm just going to be sitting on my a ... butt all day anyway." Maddie giggled at his near faux pas. Noah looked down at Maddie, a curious expression on his face. "You don't mind hanging out with me while I work, do you, kid?"

Maddie looked up at Sophie for an answer, and Sophie nodded encouragingly. "You've got all your bits in your bag, and I packed you some lunch. I won't be long at all. I'll be back just as soon as I'm finished at school." Sophie looked back to Noah. "Thank you so much. If you need to call me, use the pub phone. My number is the second speed dial." Sophie kissed the top of Maddie's head. "Alright, I've really got to go. Be good, sweetheart. I love you."

"Love you, too, Mummy," chirped Maddie.

Sophie shot one last smile at Noah before she took off in a run back out of the door and down Shaftesbury Avenue.

***

Sophie was late, but only just. The bell ran for nine o'clock as she dashed down the path into the school building. Sophie had run all the way to the tube, and she had run from the station to Westgate Primary School.

She was hot, sweaty, and looked every bit the picture of a useless parent who could not keep an appointment.

Sophie sucked in quick, successive breaths in an attempt to calm her pulse so as not to sound like she was dying as she approached the ladies in the office.

She tucked the hair that had fallen out of her twist behind her ears and smoothed out the navy dress that she had put on to specifically appear smart and professional.

"Good morning, Sophie," greeted Belinda, the school secretary.

Lovely Belinda did not know all the parents by name, only that Sophie was up at the school so frequently.

"Morning," puffed Sophie. "No Maddie today. I'm sorry to be a pain."

"No, no, not a pain at all," promised Belinda. "I'll pop it into the system now. If you head right into Margaret's office, they are waiting for you." Belinda pointed her around to the principal, Mrs Margaret Hibberd's office.

Sophie's heart was still thundering, and she was unsure now if it was because she had run so far, or because she was unfathomably nervous. The latter was more likely.

The principal's door was open, and as soon as she approached, she was waved in.

Three woman were convened in a pleasantly decorated office, all seated on the small arm chairs that was positioned around a coffee table before the large desk.

Margaret Hibberd was accompanied by Ann Peddington, the assistant principal, and Judy Forster, Maddie's classroom teacher.

Sophie was the youngest one in the room by at least twenty years, and so it was dreadfully difficult to approach such a meeting feeling like an equal. But she knew she needed to. She knew she needed to get on with it, just as she got on with everything else, and be an advocate for Maddie.

No matter how much that girl drove Sophie up the walls, she would always, always be a champion for her.

"Good morning, Sophie. How are you?" greeted Margaret. She stood and adjusted her glasses before she shook Sophie's hand.

Sophie hoped it wasn't sweaty. "Fine, thank you," she said quietly.

"Please, do have a seat." Margaret gestured to the empty armchair.

Upon sitting down, Sophie noticed the dozens of documents that had been collected and displayed on the coffee table for the meeting.

Madeleine Cartwright was on all of them.

Sophie's stomach clenched.

"How did you go with Maddie this morning, Sophie?" Judy asked.

It almost felt as though she were in a deposition, or a courtroom, as she had three pairs of eyes on her as she prepared to answer the question.

"She refused again," Sophie confessed, purposefully not disclosing the fact that she had locked herself in a bathroom for half an hour. "She is being minded by a ..."again, another iffy detail, "friend, while I'm here."

Judy's face fell, though both Margaret and Ann did not look shocked.

"Sophie, we wanted to have this chat with you this morning to check in regarding Maddie's progress. I know we only had a meeting like this at the end of the last school year where we did recommend to you that Maddie repeat Year 2," Margaret reminded her.

Sophie had not forgotten weeping in this very room at that thought, and subsequently begging that Maddie not be left behind.

"I assessed Maddie's reading last week, on one of the days she was at school," Judy continued, pulling out one of the documents. "It was a Reception level book, designed to help the students recognise high frequency words through repetition." Regretfully, she said, "Maddie couldn't read it. She had no idea, I'm afraid. I read the book to her to test her comprehension, and she couldn't remember any of the details of the book at all."

Sophie felt her stress and emotions rising, and she willed herself not to cry in this office again.

"I know you are well aware of Maddie's academic struggles," interjected Ann. She wore a sympathetic expression. "I know it can seem overwhelming, and confusing, and, of course, worrying when you hear that your child is not where they need to be."

Sophie did appreciate the effort of understanding.

"I know she is behind," Sophie replied as bravely as she could. "I am doing everything I can to encourage and motivate her to attempt her readers and try to work out words."

"We know you are, Sophie," said Margaret kindly. "I want you to know that we have no intentions of leaving Maddie behind, and letting her slip through the cracks."

Sophie's lower lip trembled as an unfamiliar feeling of relief bubbled to the surface.

"What Judy, and Maddie's previous classroom teachers have compiled here are key assessment pieces for you to have. Judy has also kindly put together some activities for you to do at home to work on each of these areas. There is simple reading/comprehension, letter/sounds, high frequency words, handwriting, maths," listed Ann as she began to sift through the folders.

And Sophie's heart sunk right back to where it had been at the beginning of the meeting. As much as she could beg, there was no way she would be able to get Maddie to do anything at home.

"Thank you," Sophie said tentatively. "But I should tell you that Maddie will be very reluctant to attempt this. She calls it 'dumb people work'. She's very aware that her work differs to that of her peers."

Reluctant was putting it nicely.

"With Maddie absent, I've been having several discussions with the class about respect for others, and compassion," Judy assured Sophie. "And Maddie is not the only child with differentiated work."

That told Sophie that some little snot had said something nasty to Maddie about her work.

The expressions on all the of the women's faces then changed, and Sophie tensed. This was not all that they wanted to speak about.

"What we also need to discuss with you this morning is Maddie's social development," Margaret continued delicately.

Her social development?

"Maddie's school refusal is clearly a very serious issue," Ann continued. "Her attitude towards school is uncommonly negative."

"Maddie also struggles very much in connecting with her peers," Judy added carefully. "Absences do not help, but she has yet to make any friendships within the class. Her teacher from last year held these same concerns about Maddie's lack of social interaction, and her lack of effort to engage with others socially."

Sophie was trembling as another weight was piled on top of her already struggling shoulders. Not only was she struggling academically, but now they were terribly concerned about her socially?

What the hell was she supposed to do for her poor child?

"Maddie doesn't follow classroom instructions, often because she is not listening. While her articulation is excellent, she often doesn't communicate effectively, and loses her temper at me or her classmates. Her lack of social interaction has meant that she often has no concept of how others are feeling."

Sucker punch.

Sucker punch.

Sucker punch.

It was right about now that she wished that Beck was not such a knob, and actually wanted to be a hands-on parent, so that he could shoulder some of this stress and anxiety.

"While we do have an excellent wellbeing officer at school, it is our recommendation that you seek advice from a paediatrician and a child psychologist about the possibility of assessing Maddie for autism spectrum disorder. We do have an association with an excellent child psychologist who we can refer you to in order to help start assimilating Maddie socially, with the hopes that it will assist in her school refusal and in meeting her academic milestones." Margaret produced a business card from amongst the documents and held it out to Sophie.

Sophie could not manage to get her brain to tell her arm to reach out for the business card. It was because she was quite certain that she had had a small stroke as soon as she had heard the word 'autism'. 

----

I actually freaking loved writing this because I felt like I was teaching. I miss teaching and I miss my kids soooo much. We worry about them so hard - especially my strugglers who have not seen me in weeks!

I just hope everything will work out for poor Mads .... 

Autism, (talking in real life, not the undiagnosed suspicion in the book) is not the end of the world, I promise. I know a lot of parents hear the word and crap their pants (sorry for the visual). Autism is a spectrum, as we've come to understand, and we are ALL on that spectrum. Some display behaviours more overtly, and some are able to function completely "normally". 

We all need to show our gorgeous ASD kiddos love, and their parents heaps of compassion. 

Hoping you all are safe and well xx

Vote and comment!