Why would I ever want to go to Kale University in the first place?

Let's just say that I've had a bit of a rough year. Between work, studies, pressure to join various Greek organizations, arguments with my roommate, unexpected heartbreak...well, I'll get to that later. The important part is that all of this started when I first found the name "Kale University" in my college search.

Ever since I was a child, I wanted to be a philosopher. I had a lot of ideas about human nature, and I desperately wanted to find somewhere where I could share them to my heart's content. I still have a lot of ideas, especially after spending a whole year studying philosophy at Kale, and I'll share a few of them with you over the course of this book. For example, the dictionary defines philosophy as "the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality, and existence," but what does that mean? Do I need to study philosophy at college to be a philosopher? Confucius and Socrates never had a formal education in philosophy - were they not philosophers? What if I am studying the nature of nonexistence - is that not philosophy either?

As you can see, I tend to go off on tangents, so bear with me throughout this tale.

When I was a junior in high school, it seemed only natural to major in philosophy. Despite my mother's warnings that I would never be able to find a job, it was the only subject that I truly loved, which begs another question. Should I be forced to learn the same things as other students? In my opinion, it's unethical to compel a student to learn something that they are uninterested in. In my case, that's math. Mathematics has never been my strong suit, and it is completely unrelated to the wonderful field of philosophy, so there's no point in learning it. Similarly, a student planning a career in math should never have to learn philosophy, even if I do believe that an education in philosophy can compliment any discipline.

Once I determined that I wanted to be a philosophy major, I realized that I would need to find a college to go to. To complete this task, I Googled "best colleges for philosophy majors." An article popped up with a list of the highest ranked collegiate philosophy departments, and I read it.

Princeton University

Harvard University

Kale University

I looked at the third item on the list to ensure that I hadn't read it wrong. It had to be a typo. If the people compiling the list had truly meant Kale University and not Yale University, then it would be the only college on the whole list that wasn't an Ivy League school, and with a 26 on my ACT, there was no way that I would make it into Princeton or Harvard. Then again, what's the point of standardized testing? How can a three hour multiple choice test tell how smart I am? The test doesn't know me, although sometimes I think that my piano might know how smart I am. The piano knows a lot of things.

I did some more research on Kale University, and the more I looked at it, the more I began to fall in love with it. I learned the basic facts, like that Kale was a private university in Old Haven, Connecticut with 6,000 undergraduates and a 58% acceptance rate, but I also learned some more unusual facts. Kale had a jungle gym at the center of campus. Kale had clubs such as the Guyliner Club and the Cookie Baking Club, both of which I desperately wanted to join. Each year, the first year philosophy students came up with a new school motto as an assignment, and the entire student body voted on which one should actually become that year's motto.

I looked at a few other schools, but by March of that year, my heart was set on Kale. However, I still had to convince my mother to let me visit Kale over spring break.

"Ryan, Kale is in Connecticut," Mom said. "That's way too far from Nevada for us to visit over spring break. Why don't you look at some local colleges?"

"I looked at all of the local colleges, Mom," I said. "I want to visit Kale."

"We'd have to book a flight, and those are expensive," Mom said.

"There's a boy from my school that went to Yale last year," I said. "That's in Connecticut too." That much was true. I didn't know the boy very well, but I had heard from just about everyone during my sophomore year that he was going to Yale to major in Theater Studies. All that proved was that he was better at randomly selecting bubbles on his ACT than I was, and he could probably sing better than I could too.

"That's different," Mom said.

"How is it different?" I asked as I searched for flights to Connecticut. "It's not like I'm going to get into any of the Ivy Leagues anyways. Wait a second, I found a flight for $300. How does that sound, Mom?"

"That doesn't count hotel costs," Mom said.

"I'll plan this whole trip for you," I said. "I'll make it as cheap as possible, as long as I get to visit Kale."

Mom sighed. "If you want to go to Kale that badly, then fine."

I considered that a victory as I continued to plan our trip to Connecticut. As I did, I thought about everything I could learn from my voyage across the country. I was a traveler braving unknown waters, and I was thrilled to be able to go on the adventure.

That April, my mother and I finally boarded our plane for Connecticut. It was a rather long flight, but as I had read in so many places, traveling is beneficial for the soul. I hadn't gone very far from my home near Las Vegas before my college visiting journey, but even as I sat between a screaming baby and a snoring old man, I could see how the experience could enrich the mind. Already, I was fascinated by how the Vegas lights shrunk away as we flew away from the city. Was this how God, if God existed at all, saw Las Vegas? Were we nothing more than flashing lights in the distance? If it was, I could see how He (She? They? Does God have a gender?) could let horrible things happen in the world. It was hard to remember that there were people in Las Vegas from that distance.

Six hours and one dull in-flight movie later, Mom and I landed in Tweed-New Haven Airport. Of course, we immediately took a taxi to our hotel in Old Haven and then crashed onto our hotel beds, exhausted from our travels. My sleep was full of frenzied dreams that night, though I could hardly remember them the next morning. All I knew was that I couldn't wait to see the paradise that I was certain existed in the form of Kale University.

Mom and I departed early the next morning for Kale after eating a mediocre continental breakfast. As soon as we arrived on campus, I knew that I was in love. The campus itself was gorgeous, with architecture that made the whole place feel like a cross between a weathered medieval village and Hogwarts. As I marveled at the buildings, Mom insisted on making our way to the Admissions building. "We're already running late, Ryan," Mom said. "Please don't make it worse. Now where do you think the Shufflebottom Center is?"

"Is that really what it's called?" I said.

"Yes, I believe so,"

"That's ridiculous, but I like it," I said.

Mom rolled her eyes and looked over a map, but we had no luck. Eventually, she stopped a tall boy with curly hair to ask for directions. "Excuse me, but are you a student here?" she asked.

The boy nodded and said, "My name's Ray. What can I help you with?"

"We're really lost," I said. "Do you know where the Shufflebottom Center is?"

"How would I know?" Ray said. "Someone left me at a truck stop in Spain when I was studying abroad there last semester - I guess you could say that I'm not too good at directions."

A girl came up to us and said, "The Shufflebottom Center is a little bit further down the street."

"Thanks," I said. Mom and I walked further down the street, and sure enough, we found a building that was marked as the Shufflebottom Center. We climbed up to the second floor and checked in as anticipation began to build. I couldn't wait to explore Kale even further.

"You're just in time," the woman who checked me in said as she handed me a huge folder full of information about Kale. "The tour is just about to start. Why don't you join Gerard's group?"

The woman gestured towards the back of the room, where a boy with dyed black hair led a group of fellow high schoolers looking at colleges and their parents. Mom and I ran over to the group and listened to Gerard as he began his spiel about Kale University.

"Hey everyone," Gerard said. "I'm Gerard Way, and I'm a sophomore here at Kale University. I'm majoring in art, I'm from New Jersey, and I'm involved in the Guyliner Club and the Kale University Comic Book Fellowship. Also, you all should join the Greek Friendship Society when you get to Kale, because it's the greatest Greek organization that Kale has ever seen. Also, it's inclusive to all genders and I founded it, so it's obviously the best." There was an awkward pause, and then Gerard said, "How about all of you say your name, where you're from, and what you'd like to study?"

A small, red-haired girl said, "I'm Hayley Williams, I'm from Tennessee, and I'm planning to study marketing."

I was next. "I'm Ryan Ross, I'm from Las Vegas, and I'm going to major in philosophy."

"That kid's never going to get a job," I heard a woman near me whisper, but I ignored her.

The short boy with black hair and eyeliner went next. "My name is Pete Wentz, I'm from Chicago, and I'm planning to major in political science. Oh, and I've already been accepted here."

"Congratulations, Pete," Gerard said. "I really hope that I'll get to see you here next year."

The other students in their groups introduced themselves, and then Gerard began the tour. "Let's go take a look at the science building," he said. He walked backwards out of the building as Pete pestered him about the Guyliner Club. Frankly, I thought that the tour was rather representative of life. All of us are just walking backwards through our lives, unable to see where we are going and blinded further by the annoying people who already got into college and can't shut up about their eyeliner.

Perhaps I'm losing my metaphor, but you get the point.

Gerard showed us the science building, and although it was impressive, I knew that I probably wouldn't be doing much there, or at least I thought so until Hayley asked "Are there general education requirements at Kale?"

Gerard nodded and said, "All students are required to take one freshman writing course, two humanities courses, two social science courses, one science course, and one math course."

That's not too bad, I thought. I would be able to live through one more math course if it meant that I could spend the rest of my time at Kale studying philosophy. Gerard continued the tour, speaking about the wonders of a Kale education as he walked backwards into the humanities building and the library.

At one point in the tour, Gerard stopped in front of a bronze statue of a man in a polka dotted suit next to a bear. Students from the school had placed a few leaves of kale in the man's outstretched hand. "This, prospective students, is the founder of Kale University, M.C. Moneybags," Gerard explained. "Dr. Moneybags is most known for inventing the three hole punch, although he was also passionate about philosophy, to the point that he earned a PhD in the subject. The statue here depicts him in his typical attire of a pink polka dotted suit with his beloved pet, a carnival bear set free, by his side. Moneybags named Kale University after his favorite vegetable, and students often pay tribute to him by placing kale in his hand or on top of his head."

Near the end of the tour, we headed towards the edge of the campus to see Gerard's Greek Friendship Society house. "This is Flack Hall," Gerard explained as we passed by an old, run down building. "The university was supposed to tear it down after the new freshman dorms were built, but they haven't gotten around to it. Some of the freshmen still live there. The Greek Friendship Society house is right next door in that little brick house."

As expected, there was a little brick house with the letters "DOG" written on the side next to Flack Hall. "It stands for Delta Omicron Gamma, our official name," Gerard explained. Gerard rambled on about the Greek Friendship Society for a while, but he stopped when a remarkably short boy left the Greek Friendship Society house with a textbook in his hands.

"Hi Gerard," the boy said. "Are you with a tour?" Gerard nodded, and the boy said, "Well, I guess we can hang out after class."

"Sounds great, Frankie," Gerard said. He blew Frank a kiss as he headed off to his class. "Let's go back to the admissions office," Gerard said. He headed back towards the middle of campus, and the tour group followed him.

When we returned to the Shufflebottom Center, Gerard said, "I hope you enjoyed the tour, and whether you choose Kale or not, I wish all of you the best of luck in your college search. Let me know if you have any additional questions, and remember, it's not a school, it's an idea. Have an excellent remainder of your day here at Kale University."

As Gerard told one of his friends how teenagers scared the living shit out of him, I contemplated his last statement. How could Kale University be an idea and not a school? Wasn't Kale an institution for education, and thus, a school? Perhaps Gerard was trying to express that Kale was something greater than a mere school, a concept that excited me more than anything. On the other hand, perhaps he was just a troll who liked to make people cry because was twisted up inside.

My mom and I had lunch in the school dining hall, and I sat in on one of the freshman seminars, and by the end of the visit, I was certain that I wanted to attend Kale University. The food was delicious (because why would anyone want to live life without igniting their sense of taste?), and the class was intellectually stimulating in a way that my high school classes weren't. Besides, everything about Kale made me think and question just a little bit harder, and surely, that was what philosophy was all about.

On the plane ride home, I was convinced that I had to go to Kale. There was no other option for someone like me. I needed to make Kale my home, and although I am well aware that "needs" refer to things like food, water, shelter, and oxygen, I felt like going to Kale University was just as much of a need as any of those things.

The only challenge that I had left was getting accepted.