Why?

Patrick woke me up at around five o'clock by blasting an Elvis Costello song into my ears, but for once, I didn't resent him for it. I did have to head to the airport, and waking up early would give me a nice opportunity to pack up my last few items before I left. I let out a yawn as I rolled out of bed, but I told myself that I could get some sleep later. I would be home all summer, and I could sleep when I got there.

I stuffed a few last minute things into my backpack and then walked to the dining hall with Patrick. After both of us had loaded our plates with pancakes, Patrick babbled about the summer job that he had found. "I'm going to be working at a pet store!" Patrick said, smiling. "The manager even said that he would put me in charge of the bunnies. I can't wait!"

I tried to listen to Patrick, but I was far too tired to pay him any attention. Instead, I focused on eating my breakfast. I did think that Patrick's new job would suit him better than the internship that he had during the school year. I reminded myself to ask him about it again when I had a little bit more energy.

After breakfast, Patrick, who had an even earlier flight than I did, took a taxi to the airport. Once he had left, I took one last walk around campus, watching all of the buildings light up as the sun rose. Was this what beauty looked like? Surely, nothing could be as beautiful as Brendon, but the sunrise at Kale University came close. How could I say that anything was beautiful anyways, if nothing could compare to Brendon? For that matter, who was I to judge what beauty was? I let those questions empty out of my mind and simply watched the sun rise.

When the bright colors began to drain away, I left the Kale campus for the last time that year. As I walked through the Kale University gates, I officially said goodbye to my freshman year. I wasn't sure whether my first year of college had been a dream or a nightmare, and I certainly wasn't sure how to feel now that it was over. Was I supposed to feel glad that it was all over, or should I be heartbroken, already nostalgic for the golden days of my freshman year? In the end, I felt a mix of the two. I suspected that was how life was. It was a concoction of triumphs and tragedies, of vices and virtues, and the only thing that I could do was deal with whatever was thrown at me.

I walked further down the sidewalk until I reached the Old Haven Cemetery. When I got there, I wandered through the cemetery, searching for one particular grave. At first, I couldn't find it, but I did walk past dozens of other graves. I wondered what sorts of lives these people had led. Did any of these people deserve to die? Was one life ever more important than another? It was easy to say that Brendon was the most important person in the world to me, but I was only one man. The other people buried here had families and friends and lovers, just like Brendon had. In the end, I couldn't answer my own question. It was an impossible conundrum, just like so many things in life.

When I did find Brendon's grave, I was surprised that I hadn't noticed it earlier. It was by far the newest grave in the cemetery, and I walked right up to it and placed my hand over the tombstone. I let out a single tear before I remembered what I was here to do.

I reached into my backpack and took out a bouquet of roses. I then placed it next to Brendon's tombstone. I thought it was fitting that this had been the first gift that Brendon had given me, and now I was giving it back to him. It was a small gesture, and perhaps it would have worked better if he was still alive to appreciate it, but it was the least that I could do for my soulmate.

I left the roses next to Brendon's grave as I left the cemetery and caught a taxi to the airport. However, as I checked my bags and went through security, I couldn't stop thinking about Brendon. My relationship with him had been one of the best parts of my freshman year, yet his death had nearly ruined it. Nevertheless, I was glad that I had met him.

My horrible luck popped up once again when my flight was delayed. I was stuck at gate L8 for four miserable hours, but I managed to occupy myself by talking to the woman in the seat next to mine and reading the handful of Socratic dialogues that we hadn't read in Ancient Philosophy. By the time we were finally allowed to board, I was entirely engrossed in one of the dialogues, and I continued to read it as the plane took off.

However, it was impossible to focus on anything when a toddler was directly behind me kicking my seat. Eventually, I put the book away and tried to watch the movie that was being shown, but it wasn't a particularly exciting movie, so I quickly became bored again. I plugged my headphones into my phone and blasted the Beatles into my ears in an attempt to tune out the child complaining to its mother, and as I listened, I thought of Brendon's far too short life once again. He could have done so much with his life, but his alcoholism had stolen that opportunity from him. It wasn't fair at all - he was far too young to die. There was nothing that I could do about it though.

That's not quite true, I realized. I couldn't bring Brendon back to life, but I could honor his memory. As I sat there, buckled into my rather uncomfortable seat on an airplane cruising towards Las Vegas, I told myself that I wouldn't be like everyone else. I would keep on living, and I would change the world. Fate had denied Brendon the opportunity to do something truly great, but that didn't mean that I couldn't. I wasn't sure exactly how I would lead my life yet - after all, what kind of college student truly has their whole life planned out? I did know, however, that I would find a way to make an impact on the world, and I would do it all for Brendon.

A few hours later, the plane finally landed in Las Vegas. With a renewed sense of purpose, I got off of the plane and ventured into McCarran International Airport. Already, my heart ached for Old Haven and my college friends, but I knew that they were never too far away from me. My phone buzzed with texts from my friends, most of whom were already at home, telling their families about the end of their freshman year and unpacking their things. I shoved my phone deeper into my pocket. Although my friends were important, I could talk to them later. For now, I had to find my mother.

I made my way past rows of slot machines on my way to baggage claim, keeping an eye out for Mom. I bought myself a bagel and collected my suitcases, but I still couldn't find her. After a few more minutes of searching, I found her waiting near the baggage claim. She enveloped me in a hug, and I couldn't help but smile and appreciate everything that my mom had done for me over the years.

"Hi Ryan," she said. "How have you been?"

I sighed and said, "That's a little bit of a long story. I'll tell you about it when we get home."

"Are you sure?" Mom asked. "I'd love to hear about it now."

"I'm sure," I said.

"Alright, but I do insist on taking you out to eat," Mom said. "All of that dining hall food couldn't have been very appetizing."

I started to object that the food at Kale was actually quite good, but I stopped myself. Was there a point in arguing with Mom over something like this? She was taking me out to dinner, and I couldn't argue that the food in Las Vegas was just as good as, if not better than, the food back in Old Haven.

I followed Mom to the car, and as she turned on Las Vegas' classic rock station, my mind drifted away again. The familiar desert scenery and the sight of the Las Vegas Strip in the distance made me think, perhaps a little bit too much. "Why?" I asked myself. "Why am I here? Why am I alive, why does anything exist at all, and why would anyone care about a man who's lost everything, and yet is somehow still here, unafraid to live on when the man that he loves more than anything else is dead?"

I could hear Brendon calling out from beyond the grave, "Why not?"

A small smile appeared on my face as I thought of him. He was nothing more than a ghost now, a figment of my imagination, but he was still there, and for once, I thought that Brendon's answer might be right. He was wiser than I ever realized.

At dinner, I told Mom everything. She had already heard about Brendon's death from his parents, but there were plenty of other things that she hadn't heard about, and she had plenty of news to tell me. We spent the evening laughing, crying, and sharing memories, and I wouldn't have had my first night back from Kale University any other way.

After dinner, she drove me back to our apartment, and for the first time since winter break, I had the chance to sleep in my own bed again. Certainly, things had changed for me, but that was okay. I had experienced the greatest elation and the deepest sorrow, and I was a better person for it. Images flashed through my mind as I reflected on my freshman year one last time before I drifted off to sleep.

Two words echoed in my head: Why not?