What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?

Another day went by, and I lost all sense of remaining hope. I was completely convinced that my life was meaningless, and despite all of my friends' attempts to comfort me, nothing worked. After all, if the Beatles couldn't make me feel better, then what hope did I have?

When I woke up that morning, I checked my email and saw that I had received a message from Dallon Weekes. Although I had no idea why Dallon would email me, I opened up the message. After skimming the email, I realized that it was about Brendon's funeral.

I put another X on the calendar to mark the date, but I tried not to dwell on the subject. What was the point? Thinking about Brendon's funeral would just worsen my mood even more. I tried to distract myself by looking at my other emails, but my mind kept drifting back to Dallon's email. As I thought about the funeral, I became more and more indignant about it.

What right did Dallon have to plan Brendon's funeral? He hardly knew Brendon at the end of his life. As far I knew, Dallon had only visited Brendon once during the entire year. I suspected that Brendon's parents had only enlisted Dallon because he was a good Mormon boy who went to Yale, but I couldn't say for sure why Dallon was in charge of all of this.

I couldn't help but wonder if Dallon felt the same way as I did when he heard the news of Brendon's death. Was he experiencing the same breakdown that I was? Did he dream of seeing Brendon again every night like I did? Would he do anything to have just another day with Brendon, or was he able to shrug and forget about his ex-boyfriend? Perhaps he didn't care about Brendon, or at least not as much as I did. Dallon did have a new girlfriend, after all. Maybe I was the only one who cared this much about Brendon.

I put my phone away and got ready for breakfast, but I didn't have much of an appetite. After eating only a few pieces of fruit, I dragged myself to my classes, but I couldn't focus. How could I think about my ecology lab when Brendon's funeral was coming up?

While Andy collected data for the lab, Patrick asked, "Ryan, are you okay?"

"I'm not okay," I told him, and it was the truth.

"That's what I thought," Patrick said. "Have you found a new therapist yet?"

"Not yet," I said.

"You might want to do that," Patrick said. "By the way, Andy, Joe, Pete, and I were planning to watch the Kale baseball team play Yale today. Do you want to come?"

I considered Patrick's offer for a moment. What was the point in going to a baseball game? Even our rivalry with Yale, which had once been so important, seemed empty and meaningless now. The only thing I hadn't done yet was die, so why would I want to go to a baseball game? Nevertheless, I didn't want to be rude to Patrick, so I said, "Sure, I'll go. It sounds kind of fun."

"That's great, Ryan," Andy said as he finished filling out our lab group's data table. "I can't wait to see you there."

Later that day, I walked across campus to the baseball field, but without anyone I loved to share the experience with, I wasn't left with any reason to care about the game. The other people in line for tickets couldn't stop chattering about how exciting of a game this would be, but my heart wasn't in it at all. Why did other people care about such trivial things? Then again, wasn't everything trivial in the end? With no greater purpose in life, did anything matter?

I found a seat in the student section next to my friends, where Pete was cracking jokes and flirting with Patrick and Andy was telling Joe about something that had happened in his Vegans United meeting. I tried to watch the game, but I quickly became disinterested. I couldn't help but feel like my whole life was like that game - a tedious exercise that ultimately signified nothing.

Perhaps I would have had fun if Brendon was occupying the tiny space on the bench next to me, but that could never happen.

About halfway through the game, someone did sit in that tiny space, much to my irritation. It was none other than Gerard's younger brother Mikey, wearing a Yale University polo as usual. "Hello there," he said to me. "I think we've met before, but I've forgotten your name. What was it again?"

"Ryan Ross," I answered.

"Well, it's nice to meet you again, Ryan Ross," Mikey said.

"It's nice to meet you again too, Mikey," I said, although I didn't mean it. Mikey was possibly the last person that I wanted to see at that moment. I would have much rather had Brendon filling that space on the bench next to me.

"How are things here at Kale?" Mikey asked. "I've already heard plenty about the senior art projects from Gerard."

"Everything's going terribly right now," I said.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mikey said.

"I just don't see the point in living this horrific life that I'm trapped in," I said as I started out at the field.

"Maybe you should transfer to Yale if you're so unhappy at Kale," Mikey suggested.

"That's an awful idea," I said. "Kale itself isn't the issue, and changing schools won't help."

"It was just a suggestion," Mikey said.

"It wasn't a very good one," I said. "You Yale kids think that you know everything, but you don't."

"I never said that I knew everything..." Mikey said, but I didn't listen to him.

"Yale kids think that they know what's best for the world just because they happen to be attending one of the most prestigious schools in the country," I said. "However, you're all wrong. You don't know anything, because you've never experienced tragedy in your whole life. You've been sheltered and caught in an illusion for your whole life. Mikey, do you know what the meaning of life, the universe, and everything is?"

"It's 42, obviously," Mikey said.

I stared at him blankly for a few minutes, confused by his answer. I had expected Mikey to say love or finding happiness, but I wouldn't have been surprised if he had shrugged and admitted that he didn't know. I didn't know how to respond to Mikey's claim that 42 was the meaning of life, so I watched the game and tried to figure out what kind of meaning could possibly exist within that number.

"You need to ask a better question," Mikey said.

"What better question could there be to ask?" I replied, still nonplussed by Mikey's response. Mikey shrugged, and I said, "I'm being serious. What kind of answer is 42?"

"It's the meaning of life, the universe, and everything," Mikey said.

"Is this some sort of inside joke that you have with your cult at Yale?" I asked.

"I'm not in a cult," Mikey said. "I'm in a secret society."

"It's not so secret now that you mentioned it, Mikey!" Gerard shouted from a few rows above us.

Mikey rolled his eyes and then asked, "How did you even know that I was in the Society of the Semicolon, Ryan?"

"Gerard told me," I said.

"That makes sense," Mikey said. "I guess it doesn't matter too much if you know that I'm in the Society of the Semicolon, as long as you don't talk to anyone in the Society of the Exclamation Point. I think those guys might actually be insane. I heard a rumor that they crashed a wedding while dressed up as clowns a few years ago. "

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said.

"My point is that not all of Yale's secret societies are as benevolent as we are," Mikey said.

"So why is forty two the meaning of life?" I asked. "Why isn't it forty one or forty three or five hundred and twelve?"

Mikey simply shook his head and then said, "You don't get it, do you?"

"No, I don't get it," I said. I still had absolutely no idea what Mikey was talking about.

"I'm going to go sit by Gerard, if you don't mind," Mikey said. "I'll talk to you later." Mikey moved over to a different spot in the student section, leaving an empty spot next to me. However, I couldn't stop thinking about what Mikey had said.

How could 42 be the meaning of life? Wasn't the meaning of life something deeper, if it existed at all? Then again, why couldn't it be the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? Forty two being the answer to every question that I had ever had would only emphasize how silly and pointless life was. Even the very act of searching for the meaning of life was ridiculous, because the answer was merely a number. There was no deeper purpose in life, just like there was no deeper purpose behind the number 42.

I had always thought of life as orderly and purposeful, even when I had no idea what that purpose was. However, as I watched the final inning of that baseball game, I realized that life was nothing more than chaos. Brendon may have finally given me a purpose behind everything that I did, but he was just a break from the mayhem of the universe.

Nevertheless, I realized that I had made the mistake of confusing chaos with meaninglessness. Life did have meaning, even if it was absurd and often made little sense. There were things worth living for within the chaos of life. They may be hard to find, and they may not always last, but it didn't mean that life wasn't worth living.

Would I ever find anything like my relationship with Brendon? I wasn't sure, but perhaps it was worth striving for. I was certain that I would never be able to love someone like I had loved Brendon - he was special in that way - but romance wasn't the only thing that life had to offer. Some of those things were hard to enjoy without having Brendon to share them with, especially since I couldn't even go to the Aubergine without longing for Brendon to be by my side again. However, there had to be other reasons to live and other meanings to discover.

I looked back towards Mikey, who was now engaged in a conversation with his brother. Was Mikey as horrible as I originally thought that he was? I did find Mikey to be a little bit irritating, but not all Yale students were evil, as I had previously thought. After all, Brendon used to be a Yale student. I couldn't be too mean to them.

After the game was over, I walked back to Flack Hall. I was still carrying the weight of Brendon's death, but I was feeling a little bit better, even if that feeling was only temporary. The loneliness that had been gnawing at me since Brendon had died was still there, but when I thought of the future, I could finally see myself moving past it. I could go on living, even though Brendon was gone.

For once, I felt as if I had hope.