Anthony, Tue Feb 10th 2015

This holiday is a nightmare. I haven't smoked a cigarette since last Saturday before going to the club, and this is the only thing I can think about right now. Another huge wave of need crashes against me like a tsunami. God! When will those stop? For the umpteenth time, I take deep breaths while I begin to count backwards from 100 to 0. This doesn't do the trick this time, and I begin to touch the collar around my neck, trying to remember the man I am doing this for. The need starts to recede bit by bit while I focus on the memories of last Saturday.

Again, we arrived early at the club so I could spend some time with Zach. I hadn't spoken to him since the Saturday before and my Master's slip on my drinking habits so this was long overdue! We talked a lot about my addiction, how I used to be unable to sleep without getting drunk, how my Master surprised me in my flat one night, finding me completely intoxicated and how he is helping me to get over it. Zach congratulated me on not getting myself drunk again since that night. It's true that when I realized I only had three sips of beer on that time I had insomnia – and was punished for it – or one glass of champagne when we celebrated my acceptance at becoming his submissive, I couldn't help but feel a bit proud of myself.

This hasn't been an easy road though. Even if we had sex pretty much every evening the week before, and I stopped counting the blowjobs a while ago, I have still had trouble falling asleep a few times. But the advice of Aiden's mother worked pretty well each of those nights, and after half an hour imagining my Master encouraging me, snuggled against his chest, I managed to doze off.

We also talked a bit about my appointment with Zach's mother-in-law. My crazy friend absolutely loves her and he assured me I could trust her, explaining to me how she helped him when he desperately needed it. Time flew by really quickly and we were soon having dinner with my Master and his intimidating friends, joined by Keith who was apparently invited by Master Williams. I still feel a bit self-conscious around him but he really seems like a nice guy, so I made my best efforts to socialize. Of course, I could count on Zach to ease up the atmosphere.

We went to the Subs' room together, Keith exclaiming how happy he was that Master William finally asked him to be his Sub for the night.

"He didn't dare asking before because he was afraid to piss off your Master, Tiger," Zach whispered to me, as we went to one of the shower stalls, Keith taking another one to prep on his own.

"Wait! I thought my Master and Keith hadn't been together for the last six months!" I replied, trying to keep a low voice.

"They weren't, but someone still had strong feelings and was a tad possessive. That is, until a certain tiger made his way to his heart of course!"

"Oh shut up!" I answered, blushing. I still have trouble believing such a sex God is interested in me, and I keep thinking he is going to dump me at some point.

"Let's look at the clues. He proposed you an unlimited contract two weeks after meeting you, is always looking at you like you're the most beautiful thing in the world, has sex with you several times a day, and doesn't even want to share you with Daddy and me!" he added the last part pouting. "I can see why you feel so unwanted!"

"He hasn't collared me though," I countered.

"And it won't be long you'll see! I'll just be right again. As usual." I didn't even try to argue with him as we finished our preparation and went back to the lockers to dress.

"Can I speak to you for a minute?" Keith asked when we were ready. Zach took his cue and went to speak with the group of troublemakers I had been introduced to last week. "I'm sorry to bother you like this," Keith started in a low voice. "I just wanted to tell you one thing in private. Master Ethan is a wonderful person and I literally owe him my life, but he can be quite strict and demanding. When I was with him, I never dared to tell him when his dominance was too much for fear he would just leave me but in the end, it destroyed our relationship and I ended up really hurting him. I'm sorry if this is totally inappropriate, but I don't want you to do the same mistake, since you seem to care a lot for each other."

He was completely red in the face by the end of his speech. For some reason the fact that he was speaking about his relationship with my Master didn't make me jealous. Perhaps it's because he was focusing on the parts where it fell apart.

"Thank you for telling me this," I whispered back. "And it's true I'm scared he will leave me as well. But it's not too much for now."

"Really?" he exclaimed. "You don't mind him controlling everything?"

"No, not really," I replied shyly. "I tend to do stupid things when I am in control, so I feel more relaxed with him in command... Do you think I am weird?"

"No not at all! I'm sorry! It just means that you're perfect for each other, then!" he cheered.

"Thanks, I guess!" I answered, feeling really awkward. I really want to believe this, but at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up.

"You can also tell him when your jaw is too sore," he added playfully.

"Well that hasn't happened yet, and I don't think I will ever get tired of that," I smirked back. That made Keith laugh and we spent the way back to Master Aiden's office joking lightly about my Master and his addiction to blowjobs, Zach leading the way. Something didn't feel right when I stepped inside said office. For one the configuration of the chairs had completely changed since the last time I was here. They were all regrouped in a semi-circle around the one my Master was seated in. Then, Paul was here with Kyle, which made me a bit angry since he didn't even try to contact me in the past week.

I didn't want to make a fool of myself, so I quickly lowered my eyes and went to kneel by my Master's side. This relaxed me enough to make my brain function properly again. I could only think of one reason for all of this decorum, and it was something I deeply wanted. When my Master told me to look up, for once I really saw the adoration in his eyes. Perhaps Zach and Keith were right in the end! He began a very moving speech, telling me how wonderful he thinks I am. I couldn't fight the tears that escaped my eyes when he opened the box revealing a beautiful collar. Then he promised me to use his dominance to help and guide me before asking me to accept the piece of jewel.

I can't explain how happy I was. The man I love was offering to collar me, and Zach explained to me how important it is in my Master's mind. A huge ball of warmth formed in my chest, around my heart. It began to glow through my whole body as I felt some of the last walls I had built around myself crumble to dust. Maybe it's okay to believe he has feelings for me. Maybe he won't tire of me after a few days. Maybe he will eventually fall for me like I have fallen for him. I promised myself I would be the best Submissive so that he doesn't regret his choice.

Of course I accepted his collar and he locked it around my neck while the room erupted with applause and cheering. Even Paul was clapping! I was glad that he was here to witness this in the end. Perhaps it meant he will accept the fact I'm joining this lifestyle. My Master whispered to me that he would like me to keep the collar at all times – as if I would ever want to remove it! – and that it contains a GPS tracker. I expected nothing less from him and I just thanked him for the beautiful jewel. Everyone came to congratulate us, even Paul. I couldn't talk too much to him in front of everybody, but I made a mental note to call him the next day to have a proper conversation.

Then it was time to go watch the show. I was very curious the first time, quite eager at the second visit. This time I couldn't wait to see what exactly this entailed. I walked behind my Master, feeling very proud to have his collar on me. When I kneeled by his side, he quickly pulled me on his lap. Soon after, the lights were dimmed and my Master reminded me to tell him if I felt uncomfortable at any point.

Watching the scene in front of us, I didn't feel any discomfort at all, a tsunami of lust hit me instead. The Sub was tied up, flogged and teased for a while. When my Master had tried the flogger for the first time during the past week, I had been a bit afraid it would hurt, at first, but he showed me that the stingy sensations could be quite pleasurable. From the moans I was hearing, the Sub on the scene shared my point of view. I don't think I had ever been that aroused before. The scene ended with the Dominant roughly fucking the Sub and climaxing in front of us. I was so overwhelmed with lust I couldn't think clearly anymore.

My Master led us to his playroom. Thank God he let me reach a quick release before reenacting what we just saw, me gagged and tied up to the Saint Andrew's cross. What would once have panicked me helped me to completely relax. I surrendered all control to him and just went with the flow, enjoying all the ways he stimulated my body, flogging me, teasing me then taking me hard. I don't remember much of what happened after I reached a very powerful orgasm and just drifted into a blissful sleep.

The relaxed feeling I experienced that day didn't last for long. The next morning was the day we had agreed I would quit smoking with my Master. I thought I would be allowed at least one last cigarette, but someone had decided otherwise. When I tried to negotiate, perhaps a bit too harshly, all I earned was one hour of corner time. And believe me when I say that one hour is a long time to spend lost in your need for nicotine in a corner without any proper distraction.

Then, I had a very nice conversation on the phone with Paul. He explained to me how he joined the lifestyle two years ago in Master Aiden's club. He had always liked to take control over his partners during sex before, which I kind of knew, so becoming a Dominant was the next logical step. He had a few short-term contracts, but mostly went with Subs for one night until he met Kyle at his job. He became obsessed with the cute blond guy as soon as he laid eyes on him, managed to bring him into the lifestyle and realized after a few months he had fallen in love with him.

Despite the appearances at the club, with Kyle being on a leash, their relationship is much more relaxed than the one I have with my Master. The BDSM part of it is only for the club or sometimes in their bedroom, otherwise they live like a regular gay couple. It made Paul tense a bit when I explained that this is not the case for me, though he had his doubts since my Master is kind of known for his strictness at the club. He asked me at least a dozen times if I was really sure this is what I wanted, and he still didn't seem convinced despite all my reassurances.

The rest of the Sunday was okay since my Master was there to distract me. Yes, a very big part of that distraction revolved around sex if you have to know. Then Monday was awful. I'm on holiday, which is kind of the point since that way, I won't jump on any students' throats. But since my Master has to work, I was left alone during the whole day and couldn't seem to focus on anything else than my desire to smoke. I didn't even try to work on my research, I know it would have been fruitless.

Today isn't any better. I somehow managed to survive until my appointment with Aiden's mother, probably because Jack distracted me. He is a Sub at the Blue Hedonism that is part of the cleaning crew, and he cleans a few Doms' places as a side job, to make a few extra bucks. I was so embarrassed when I realized that the playroom was part of his attributions! Anyway I chitchatted with him while he cleaned, something I usually hate to do but anything directing my thoughts away from tobacco was welcome. Jack congratulated me on my collar and on the way I took down Trent.

Focusing on the memories of the last few days makes the need recede bit by bit and I am able to continue my walk toward my therapist's office. The appointment in itself goes very well, but speaking about my traumas and their consequences for one hour takes its toll and when I go out, another huge wave of need crashes against me like a tsunami. This one is worse than the others, taking my breath away as if I had just been punched in the stomach.

Take a deep breath! I tell myself, this is going to be over in a few seconds. Or go buy a cigarette, your Master will never know! another voice says in my head. You have to resist! Think about how disappointed he would be! That's only he finds out... The inward debate is quickly over as the voice of the temptation soon trumps everything else. Right now, I would do anything or kill anyone for a cigarette.

I go in the first pharmacy I can find, buy a pack and a lighter. I don't even dwell on the irony of buying a cancer stick in a pharmacy of all places, just light one of those and take the first puff. The huge relief I feel isn't quite as strong as the orgasms my Master can give me, but it doesn't come far behind. My pleasure is quickly spoiled by guilt however. It begins with a light pang at the second puff that grows and grows. At the fourth puff, I feel so disgusted with myself that I throw the rest of the cigarette away. My Master is going to be so disappointed! Hiding my transgression to him doesn't even cross my mind now, I need to be punished for what I just did.

I almost run back to the flat. He had told me he would try to come home not too late tonight, so that we could enjoy an evening together. An evening that I probably just ruined. I put the open pack of cigarettes and the lighter on the table of the living room, clearly visible, and undress completely before kneeling. Waiting in this position allows me to calm down a bit and not freak out completely.

How could I do this? We had a plan. I was supposed to call him if the need was too strong, and he would have helped me. God, I'm such a disappointment! I am not sure he will tolerate my failures for very long and he will leave me to find himself a better Submissive. Luckily, I'm not left in those depressing thoughts for very long, since I hear the door of the apartment open soon after.

"I'm home, Pet!" my Master calls joyfully. This is the last straw and tears begin to fill my eyes. He doesn't realize it at first since he comes into the living room saying "Such a beautiful... sight!" The last word isn't pronounced with the same tone however as he must have noticed what was on the table. "Explain!" he orders coldly. I swear the temperature dropped down to freezing cold instantly.

"I'm so sorry Master", I say between two sobs. "I couldn't resist when I came back from my appointment. Please forgive me!"

"How many did you smoke?" he asks, his voice barely hiding his contempt.

"Just one, Master. And not entirely. I had four puffs before I threw it away," I reply.

"I'm extremely disappointed, Pet. And believe me when I say you are in deep trouble." That voice makes me shiver, but I will welcome any punishment he throws at me. "Stay here and don't move an inch."

I try to control myself while he is away. It was usually pretty easy in this position but the prospect of having let him down so badly is the only thing I can think of. It makes me hurt in my stomach, and I feel quite nauseated with myself. When he comes back, my Master drops some things on the table, squats before me, and lifts my chin with one hand.

"It saddens me to see you in this state, Pet," he says a bit more gently. "Do you think we have rushed into this? Did you need more time?"

"No Master," I reply honestly. "I think it would have been the same."

"Come to kneel between my legs," he orders, standing up then taking a seat on one of the couches. Of course I immediately comply, keeping my eyes lowered. He doesn't say anything though, and just lets me stay in this position for what seems the longest time. My thoughts keep spiraling more and more during that time. I feel so sick to have yielded so easily and disappointed him. I'm so useless and pathetic! Tears run freely on my cheeks, and I have trouble staying silent while I sob.

"What is the fourth paragraph in the rule concerning your health, Pet?" he asks sternly at some point. I quickly recite this rule in my head to find out the part he is looking for. He had told me he wanted me to know the contract by heart, and I made the effort to learn it.

"The Submissive shall always ask for permission before smoking any cigarette or drink any alcoholic beverage. The Submissive is forbidden to take any other kind of drugs," I reply.

"What did you do wrong?" he asks on the same tone.

"I should have called you when I felt the need for a cigarette was too overwhelming, like we had planned," I say meekly.

"Correct. And as I explained to you, I would have answered the call no matter what was happening at work." This does nothing to ease my guilt. It sounds so easy when he says it like this, I don't know how I could fuck up like that. "You understand you will be severely punished for this," he adds.

"Yes, Master." Perhaps next time I feel a dire need to smoke, the memory of a harsh punishment will be enough to stop me from yielding.

"Remember you can use your safewords at any time. What will follow is certainly not for your enjoyment, but you will tell me if it's too much, understood?"

"Yes, Master."

"Bend over the table and grab the other side. We will begin with twenty spanks with the paddle. I think you know what you have to say."

"Yes, Master," I reply, obeying his orders. "One, I won't smoke again," I say when I have caught my breath after the first smack. This is definitely the worst physical punishment I got until now. He clearly isn't holding his strength back, and even if he is alternating between my buttocks, they are still both burning with pain. However, this doesn't feel worse than the shame of how disappointing I have been. I don't know if I'm crying from the pain or the shame I feel anymore. Finally we reach "Twenty, I won't smoke again."

"You have been a very bad boy," my Master says as he rubs some soothing cream on my butt. "And this is just the beginning of your punishment. To be sure that you remember this in the next few days, I'm going to fuck you hard against this table. Needless to say bad boys aren't allowed to come."

I'm still sobbing against the table. Hearing him calling me a bad boy, even if it's true, hurts me more than anything else. I feel him probe against my entrance before slamming into me in one go, saying I'm a bad boy once again. I don't know if the main trigger is my fragile state of mind, the position, the pain or the name he calls me, but bad boy becomes slut and whore in my mind. I just have the time to utter a small "Red!" before experiencing another flashback of that night.

Published on June 21st 2017

Yes it ends here 😇, you will have to wait for two days to see what happens next! Though you already saw the bad part, it's only comforting and love (and perhaps more punishment) coming.

So the last part is just because you never see a Sub really safeword in the BDSM novels, so I really wanted to show how it could happen. I know a lot of you were as well since I saw several comments about that. And this fitted perfectly with Anthony having another flashback/panic attack; he is healing slowly but it couldn't be over in just two weeks!

Hope I managed to properly convey the struggle it is to quit smoking, because trust me it's hard! Never start!!!