CASY

This is exactly why I didn't want to be with Hannah. This was the reason I dearly wanted her to stay away from me. I even told the whole fucking school she liked me just to keep her the fuck away from me! And look at the way it turned out...

I was weak. I shouldn't have kissed her outside that restaurant, but my lips wanted to feel hers so badly that I could barely resist. I was... desperate— desperate to feel her again.

I regret my actions. I shouldn't have come this far. I shouldn't have had sex with her!

Oh God! What did I do?

"Casy," she knocks gently at the door. "Are you alright? You've been in there for a while..." her voice trails off as I cry and sit cross-legged on the bathroom floor.

"Em... Yeah yeah, everything alright," I try to say as calmly as possible. I don't want to talk nor to see her. I just need a moment to think about everything that happened the past hour.

He pushed her... and she fell.

Thank God it wasn't anything serious and that she's fine, but what if she wasn't? What if she was hurt or injured? What if he had done to her the same he...? I don't even want to think about that because if that had happened I couldn't have lived with myself... God I'm so scared. And the worst part is that I know exactly what he wants to do to her. I know how he feels about her. I know he wants her... Gosh, the thought alone sends shudders through my body.

I feel so... so... helpless when he's around... so powerless. And that depresses me and frightens me too because I don't want him to hurt Hannah. I can't allow it under any circumstances. I need to stop this right now, otherwise she would be in danger.

I put my hand on the doorknob and just when I'm about to open the door completely, something stops me, and that is Hannah's nosiness. I'm sure she would want me to tell her everything about what happened with Leo and what he was doing here and why I let him do this to me... like she always does. She always wants answers and that's the most fucking annoying trait of her. I can't blame her, though, because I do keep a lot of things from her and I do act suspiciously sometimes, but she has to learn to mind her own damn business.

I shake my head to kick off those thoughts and open the door. Eventually, I'll have to get out of here.

My eyes meet Hannah's, who is standing a few feet away from the door, waiting for me to approach her.

"How are... you?" She carefully asks and I can sense she's not quite sure what to say to me right now, but that's the first thing that comes to her mind.

"I'm fine, thanks," I smile faintly while fidgeting with my fingers.

She nods and looks down, tugging at the hem of her shirt. Somehow, she seems to be disappointed with my answer but I can't really tell why.

She looks up and opens her mouth, "you know I'm here for you, right? You can count on me for anything," She smiles with her mouth, but her eyes tell a whole different story.

I smile. "Of course I know that,"

She nods once again and then remains silent for a moment, looking everywhere but me. However, I know her well enough to know that she's about to speak again.

"Would you like to tell me what happened?" There it is.

I wouldn't like that, actually. But I can't tell her that, can I?

I press my lips together and let out a weary sigh. I look at her and wonder how weird this is. Minutes ago we were licking each other's bodies, kissing, touching, laughing... and now we act as if we were... total strangers. She seems to be afraid of getting closer to me and even uncomfortable with being in the same room as me... though before she let me see her naked. But this is exactly what sums up my relationship with Hannah—we can go from lovers to total strangers in two seconds.

I stay silent for quite some time and she grows angry. Her brows draw together in a frown, her lips are pursed and her eyes show disappointment.

I'm sorry Hannah, but you'd never understand what's happening...

"So, you won't tell me?" She asks, but not in a gentle and sympathetic tone, more like an I-am-fed-up-with-your-shit tone.

I shake my head no just because I'm a fucking wuss who wont't dare to actually say the word 'no'.

"Great Casy, that's great," she says sarcastically and ducks out her tongue and licks her lips. She looks away from my gaze and onto the side, staring at a wall, then back at me. She laughs and I tilt my head and frown, trying to understand what's happening. "You know what? This is actually funny because, somehow, I knew this was gonna happen again. I knew you were going to hide things from me again, but for a moment, just for a single fucking moment I thought we were passed that. I thought you were going to share things with me and open up, like you did when you told me about what happened to your family. I thought you were going to stop lying to me and finally tell me what's happening with you and Leo. But I was wrong. I was so wrong..." she looks down and then up again. "You're never gonna share things with me, you're never gonna tell me your secrets and we will never have an honest relationship because you're not honest. And that's who you are..." Disappointment is clear in her voice and when she looks down and shakes her head no I know for fucking sure I failed her.

I remain silent. Staring at her thinking about what she just said. It breaks my heart that she's telling me this, but—and I know I'll sound like a total jerk—this makes things easier. Because if she's mad at me, then this 'breakup' will be smoother and faster. I know, I know, I'm the worst person in the world, but after seeing what Leo did to her... I can't risk her safety. I prefer to be the jerk here and protect her, rather than be her girlfriend and put her in danger.

Girlfriend... the word still sounds strange in my mouth.

"You're not gonna say anything?" she crossly asks and folds her arms across her chest.

I look away from her because I don't want her to see me cry. I have to be tough in order for her to believe I don't want to be with her anymore. I have to be the bad guy here...

"You're unbelievable! You're not even going to tell me why this fucking asshole is doing this to you! And why are you even letting him?! First you told me he was Dilara's boyfriend, then you told me he hang out with Valentina and Dilara, after that you told you used to have sex casually with him and then you told me you were a couple... I don't know what to believe anymore Casy. You lie to me every time, every damn time!" She clams up. I glance at her thinking she's done with her speech but I'm wrong, so I immediately look away. "I saw the bruises... I saw them and I can't believe you're allowing him to use your body as a punching bag..." I hear a few steps and I think she's getting closer to me, but I can't tell for sure because I refuse to make eye contact with her, "Casy, you deserve better. You don't have to put up with this shit. We can work this out. I can help you stop him, but please tell me what's really happening. Stop lying to me because I need to know what's hap—"

"Stop it Hannah! Just stop it! You can't fucking help me and I can't fucking tell you the truth! Mind your own damn business and stop wanting me to tell you my whole fucking life because that's not gonna happen! And you'll have to bear with it, otherwise the door is waiting for you to leave. Your call." I say, feeling every word like a knife cutting my heart in half. I can't believe I'm about to say good-bye to the only good thing that happened in my life in years.

She stares at me unblinkingly as if my ultimatum has shocked her and I'm sure it did... because I didn't even expect me to say those words...

She just stares and I watch as her eyes fill with tears and her lip starts to quiver. I feel a tear sliding down my cheek and I reach for her hand because, although I'm the one causing her pain, I still want to comfort her. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense, but in my mind it does.

She lifts her hand so I can't reach her and I withdraw mine, feeling a punch in the middle of my chest and a tight knot in my stomach. So this is how rejection feels...

She steps under the door frame and I'm waiting for her to leave, but she turns around and says "You're insane, you're totally insane. Maybe that's why you let him abuse you, because you're just as crazy as him. And I don't want to have anything to do with someone who doesn't respect herself and lets a man use her body as an object... I have my own shit to worry about so I don't want any more problems and you... you're a fucking problem Castille. Good night," she walks away from my house, from me and from my feelings.

As soon as she disappears into the street I close the door and lay down on the couch, grabbing a cushion and crying on it, letting it all out. I cry and sob and writhe with pain, because hearing her say those words... pains me more than Leo hitting me with a riding crop.