HANNAH

Hannah's goals:

Join a choir

Get vocal lessons

Write more

Publish a book

Have a best friend

Have a boyfriend

Travel the world

Sing in front of a big audience

Live in NYC

Be skinny (people will like me more without my fat belly)

Be a celebrity

Learn how to dress beautifully (you have to look nice Hannah!)

***

05/28/2013

I wake up every day wishing that today would be different than yesterday. Different. Just different. I don't even wish for it to be better, because I know better is impossible.

For my days to be better I would need a miracle. And miracles just happen in movies and books, not in real life. Not in my life at least.

Every day is a boring and awful routine. A routine I hate. I hate that my mum doesn't believe me when I tell her what's happening at school and I hate my classmates! I hate them! I want them to disappear from my life and leave me alone!

***

08/06/2014

Where's my best friend when I need her? Where is she? I need her. I need a best friend. I can't keep going to school and pretending I'm going to the bathroom to pee, when I actually ask the teacher to go because I want to lock myself in a stall and cry my eyes out as the pain of being rejected by a whole class takes over my heart. I just need a best friend to be with in those hard times. I need a shoulder to cry on and a hug to prevent me from falling apart. I need her. Where's my best friend? Will I ever have a best friend? Will someone ever love me enough to be my best friend? Will I even be loved?

***

09/04/2016

Today is my birthday.

All my classmates bring a cake to class on their birthday. We sang Happy Birthday to the birthday girl/boy and the teacher cut the cake into small pieces. We form a line and the teacher hands us a slice of cake with a napkin. Then everyone forms a circle around the birthday girl/boy and we chat, laugh and play funny games like "Truth or dare?" (a game I obviously hate since last week I was voted "the ugliest girl of the class" while playing it.)

Everyone in my class seems to enjoy those good moments, but not me, of course. For me, those moments mean pain, loneliness and sadness. I'm always the last in the line to get a slice of delicious cake because my classmates don't seem to notice me so they push me back and get in the line. And like that, I go to the back of the line, facing down, trying not to let anyone see that I'm crying.

The line becomes shorter so I'm about to get cake and I do my best to wipe the tears away with my small fingers. I sniff a few times and try to look happy and like a normal ten-year-old girl who just wants to eat cake, but instead I look like a broken little flower, with bloodshot eyes and snot coming out of her nose.

My turn finally comes and when I see that the tray where the cake was supposed to be is empty I feel a drop sliding down my cheek. I... I don't know what to think.

I don't want to relive what happened after that because it's just too painful for me to write, but I want to say that my birthday wasn't that different, in fact, it was worse than the previous days.

Today I woke up, happy because I was turning ten! I was becoming an adult, finally. So I got out of the bed and went to the kitchen to have breakfast with my parents. I was eager to see what they had prepared for my birthday (and my presents!). However, instead of a cake, hugs, kisses and presents I got a: "What are you doing? You haven't even dressed yet? It's seven o' clock! We're going to be late for school!" from my mom.

I tried to hide my disappointment and sadness, but it was too late because tears were coming to my eyes. I went back to my room and got dressed, slowly, feeling the happiness getting away from me.

After that, the day got worse. I went to school, where nobody even wished me a happy birthday and I sat at the back, in a corner, covering my tear-stained face as I tried as hard as I could not to sob too loud. The day went by quickly and the only person that wished me a happy birthday and gave me a present when I got home was my dad. My mom didn't even remember that today was the day I was born.

That was the only moment of the day I felt it was worth it to have a birthday. But the moments I felt depressed and lonely I just wished for my best friend to come into my life. Where is my best friend? Where is she? Why hasn't she showed up on my birthday?

I don't know where she is either, little Hannah. I thought I knew for a moment, though. I thought I finally had found my partner in crime, my sister... I thought I had finally met a loving, caring sweet girl with a beautiful smile and sparkling eyes, who was willing to be my friend. Turns out that, instead of being my friend, she was just a spiteful girl who wanted to sabotage my life and turn it into a nightmare.

I failed you Hannah. I failed. I wanted so badly to make your dream of having a best friend come true that I naively trusted the first and only person who was nice to me at school. And, worst of all, I can't make your dream come true even if I wanted to, because... I can no longer be friends with Casy. Not only because she ruined my life and I could never be with someone like her, but also because being friends with the person you love is the cruelest punishment a person can have.