CASY

Yep, she knows it.

Fuck, she knows it. Hannah knows it. Fuck.

I'm a jerk, I'm well aware of that. But that was the only thing that would protect her from the mess my life is in. That was the only thing that occurred to me that would protect her from... Leo. If something happened to her because of him, I'd never forgive myself. I still can't forget the images of the day I ran into both of them. Leo was very close to her and she seemed as if she was going to cry. She was so happy when she saw me that I rapidly understood what was happening. He wanted her, like he told me. He longed for her since he saw her for the first time... and from that moment he wanted to get into her pants. I was lucky, though... well, she was lucky that Leo let her turn down the invitation to his party that Friday. I was so relieved when I found out she wasn't coming. I didn't want her near him, neither at that time nor now. He's dangerous and she's fragile, I have to protect her. And yeah, now I'm saying this, but... the party was my fault.

He threatened me. He said he wouldn't help me anymore if I didn't bring Hannah to the party. I said no, of course, because I knew his plans for that night and I couldn't do that to Hannah. However, he told her about the party without my consent, but what did I expect? He rapes me and treats me like a piece of shit, so he doesn't give a fuck about my consent. I was stupid to believe he would.

Anyway, now I think I got her to stay away from me. She won't come near me now that she thinks I'm the monster who told the entire school that she's in love with me. Okay, maybe I am the monster who did that, but I didn't do it on purpose. I would never do that to Hannah. I would never tell someone else her feelings for me and embarrass her in front of an entire school, but... I did it, because I need to protect her. I don't want to drag her into my life. I said that a million times and I will say it a million more till I'm fully convinced that's the right thing to do. And it is. I bet she has her own problems to take care of and me being around her is like adding a new problem to the list and I don't want to be a burden. She doesn't deserve that. Besides, maybe if she's away from me, she'll realize she never loved me. She loves an inexistent Casy. She loves the idea of me being a perfect girl, without secrets and a simple life, which doesn't exist so... I did her a favor.

I know it sounds bad the way I'm justifying my actions, but don't think I didn't suffer while doing this. I was heartbroken and still am. Seeing her in front of the school, crying... broke my already shattered heart and made me feel the meanest person in the world
But if a tweet saying that Hannah Rivero is a lesbian and that she's in love with Castille Evans is what it takes to make her forget me and stay away from me in order to protect her... then I'm willing to give up my future with her. That's how much I love her. I love her so deeply and dearly that I'm willing to sacrifice my own feelings. I'm willing to live with an acute pain taking over my whole body just so she can be safe and happy. I never thought it was possible to sacrifice oneself for another human being, but I assume it is.