HANNAH

I know I said I was fed up with her attitude and I know I said I wasn't going to write to her but... well, it turns out I ended up writing to her at six in the morning when I woke up startled by a somewhat... confusing dream.

As soon as I closed my eyes, she appeared. Her long golden hair and green eyes invaded my mind. In my head I saw her smiling, showing all her teeth as she danced softly in a field full of colorful flowers. She was extremely happy, loose and relaxed—it was a very pleasant thing to watch.

She continued to dance while smelling a daisy she held between her fingers. Then she stopped and started running up a hill in the direction of someone standing there. I didn't know who it was until she got a little closer. And that's when I saw myself—that someone was me.

As soon as I saw her, I smiled. Our eyes met. She held my hands, not hiding her wide smile. I moved closer and our bodies were just a few feet apart. We were happy, carefree....

She moved a little closer and our mouths joined in a deep, passionate kiss. Her hands caressed my back and mine caressed her long neck. The dream seemed so... real. Yes, very real, that's why I got scared and woke up startled early in the morning.

At five thirty in the morning I was already up. My heart was still pounding and my head was a mess, confused by that strange dream. Why had I dreamt that? What did it mean? I knew exactly what it meant, but I preferred to lie to myself.

I immediately got up and grabbed my phone, wanting to distract myself and forget about that damn dream. However, when I turned it on, the first thing I did was to look for Casy's chat. I cursed myself for that, but the truth is that I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to talk to her, I wanted to talk to her.

I stayed half an hour with my phone in my hand, writing some drafts of the message I would send her minutes later, precisely at six in the morning. Of course, as soon as I hit send I regretted it.

Why the fuck did it occur to me to write her a message at this hour? What is she going to think? I thought, seeing that the message had two gray check marks, indicating that it had already been sent to her.

I left my cell phone under my pillow and lay back down on the bed, trying to go back to sleep, but it was impossible—I was already wide awake.

I got up, changed out of my pajamas and went downstairs for breakfast. And here I am now. Sitting at a table in the hotel restaurant, eating my breakfast, thinking about a thousand things at once and questioning everything that's going on in my life. You know, the usual.

As I take a sip of coffee, I check my phone again and almost spill the content of the cup over the floor when I see that Casy answered me.

It's really pathetic to see the way a smile comes across my face when I read her name on the screen, but alas, that's the way it is. Seeing her messages makes me... happy.

I go into our chat and read the message, Yes, I know.... Maybe I can come to the hotel, so we can talk, what do you think?

I immediately reply that I think it's a great idea and I text her to let me know when she's coming.

I finish my breakfast as quickly as I can and go up to my room. On the way, I think about Casy, my mom, my dad... The truth is that a lot happened in such a short period of time and I can barely process it. Sometimes I feel like reality is choking me and I can't breathe anymore. All the pressure and weight I feel on my shoulders from my family, the new school and now Casy is too much for me. Sometimes all I want to do is lock myself in a room with my books and never go out again. Just to be there, wrapped up in stories that make me the happiest person in the world. Is that too much to ask? Apparently yes, since there are always new problems, new situations, new conflicts, new fights... but, anyway, that's called life, isn't it?

I walk into my room and throw myself on the bed. A smile spreads across my face. Despite everything that happened, I can't help but have high expectations and feel a little bit of hope about my meeting with Casy... I know it's naïve of me and I know I said yesterday that I had to learn from everything that happened, but it's inevitable. My naïve little self still wants to have that best friend. My naïve self is not ready to give up—she says it's too early for that. My seven-year-old self wants to have a best friend by her side. So, if so, who am I to stop her? Who am I to ruin her dreams? After all, that little girl lives in me and I want to make her dreams come true, even though the title "best friend" is no longer appropriate because it falls short of defining what Casy and I have, or rather, will have.

***

Knocks on the door echo in the room. It must be her.

I get out of bed, comb my hair a little with my fingers, and open the door.

"Hello," we say in unison, awkward and nervous, as we are every time we see each other.

We remain silent for a few seconds, watching each other carefully, not knowing what to say.

"Come in, come in," I say, breaking the ice, pushing me aside so she can enter the room.

She smiles slightly at me and enters. She sits on the bed and I close the door.

"Hannah..." she starts to say, looking into my eyes. Her look is sad and dull. What's wrong with her? "Do you remember when I told you that since I met you I couldn't stop apologizing to you and that I should start doing better?" she asks to my surprise.

I frown. I didn't expect that to be the first thing she said to me. Why is that?

"Yes, of course I remember that," at that time everything seemed so much easier than it does now.

"Well, that seems to be working out like a charm, doesn't it?" She laughs softly and I join her. Then she gets serious and continues, "Hannah, I swear, from the first day we started spending time together I want to make things right. I want to get better and stop apologizing to you, but..." her voice trails off and a tear slips down her cheek. I immediately go to her side and hug her. "But... my life is very complicated. No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to make things right and I don't want you to suffer because of me. I don't want you to be in this mess, you don't deserve it. I don't want to drag you into my shit."

I'm stunned to hear her words and my heart breaks a little more when I hear her crying. What is she saying? Why is she telling me this? Why right at this very moment when I thought things between us would get easier? Again, I fell into the trap.

"Casy, what do you mean? Don't say that!" I answer her, my eyes getting more watery. It hurts me to hear her talk like that.

"Hannah, you don't understand," she says sharply, pulling away from me. "I don't want to drag you into this. I don't want you to be part of my life. You can't be, it's asking too much of you."

"What's asking too much? I don't understand!" I shout, getting fed up again with her damned secrets.

She remains silent, scanning my face. Her eyes stop looking at mine and now look at her feet. I lower my gaze and take a look at her wrists, covered in purple bruises. Wha... What....? What did...?

I continue to watch her carefully, unnoticed. She gets out of bed and walks briefly around the room and I can see her limping a little. Then I notice a part of her ankle sticking out of the cuff of her jeans and notice that it's just like her wrists—covered with bruises. What happened to her? What is going on? Why...? Leo.

"Casy, what happened?" I approach her.

"With what?" She has no idea what I'm talking about. Either that, or she just acts like it.

"With your bruises on your wrists and ankles. What happened? Casy please tell me. You're limping, don't think I didn't notice. I look stupid, but I'm not. I know something happened," I say, curtly, grabbing her arm.

She gives me a serious, angry look and lets go of my grip. I'm sick of her secrets. She can't keep this from me. She can't hide from me whatever is happening that I know is hurting her. I know he takes advantage of her and I know what he did to her in the school bathroom wasn't just a game and it wasn't a one-time thing either—I know that happened before. I'm sure of it. And it hurts me to think that the girl in front of me is going through this terrible situation, but what I don't understand, and I suppose I never will, is why he does this to her and why she does nothing to stop him.

"Casy, answer me."

"Stop it Hannah!" she screams hysterically, crying her eyes out.

Again. We're fighting again. It seemed like that was going to stay in the past and we were going to move forward. But I was wrong, as I always am. I am naïve, pathetic and stupid. I can't believe I had hopes that I could fix us and start this stupid friendship. After all, a small part of me was right—we're never going to be anything.

"It's okay. I'll stop. I'm going to stop asking you questions, stop worrying about you, stop thinking about you, stop wanting to get close to you, stop wanting to know how you are doing, stop wanting to know about you. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stop spending all my energy on you." I pause, press my lips together and then separate them to continue speaking. "I don't want to see you anymore Castille. I thought that when you came to my house to look for me we could finally be... friends. Yes, that's right. Friends!" I raise my voice a little. "I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I wanted. All I wanted was to be your friend, your best friend. I wanted to get close to you, to hang out with you... but since I met you all we did was fight. And the worst of all... the worst of all..." I can't believe I'm about to say this, "is that in spite of everything I fell in love with you. Yeah, that's right, I fell in love with you in spite of the secrets, the fights, the back and forth, the confusions. Don't ask me why, but—"

At that moment her lips catch mine and prevent me from speaking. She grabs my waist and her mouth kisses mine and it takes me a second to realize that this is not a dream. It's not my stupid dream from last night—this is real life. Casy is kissing me.

Her mouth caresses my full lips softly and then her tongue joins the kiss, moving slowly inside my mouth, circling and caressing mine. I try to do the same, but I have a feeling I'm not doing it very well, as I'm inexperienced because this... well, it's my first kiss... Yes, it's my first kiss and Casy is the one giving it to me. I always thought it would be with a boy, but surprise!

I wrap my arms around her waist and my body is glued to hers. Her hands stop caressing my back and now go up to my neck. Her tongue brushes my lips and re-enters my mouth to give me a feeling of pleasure I didn't know existed.

The kiss continues for a few minutes and as time passes I let go more and give myself to her, to her lips. My hands lightly touch her back and her hands caress my hair and the sensitive skin behind my ears. I've never been touched like this before but it feels so good. Her hands are so soft. Her fingers are so long and her touch so gentle... that it makes me forget about everything. About our fights, About our conversation just a few minutes ago, about my family problems... everything. All I do is devote myself completely to her.