CASY

It's happening.

It's happening again.

I'm lying on this twin bed, naked, my body covered with white sheets, waiting for... for it to happen again.

I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I used to love the way his fingers caressed my white skin; the way his lips brushed mine and then gave me a kiss that I would remember for hours until I fell asleep thinking about him. I used to love the way he kissed my neck, my ear and nuzzled my skin with his tongue and then gave me a soft kiss on the most sensitive area of my chest. I loved everything about him, but now... those kisses are no longer sweet and full of love, now they're cruel and full of hate and spite. His caresses are no longer gentle, but rough and leave marks on my body. He no longer kisses my bosom tenderly, but... hurts me with his hands and... enjoys it.

He smiles at my every cry of pain, he gets excited with every plea I make for him to stop and let me free from his filthy clutches. He seeks me out, stalks me, and treats me as if I were a sex object... but he's not the only one to blame—I am responsible for this too.

I know I wouldn't be in this situation if I had been stronger a year ago and hadn't made a stupid mistake. I know I wouldn't be stuck in this terrible situation if when he forced me to do this, I would have refused and walked away from him forever. Yet here I am. Waiting for him to hurt me, as he does almost every night.

My eyes water and a tear slips down my cheek slowly to my neck.

No. No. No.

I can't cry now. He's going to come any minute and he can't see me like this. I can't show myself so vulnerable in front of him or he'll take advantage of the situation and hurt me even more than he already does. I know him so well that I know that seeing a girl in such a vulnerable state turns him on, and that's not a good thing.

I wipe my cheeks with the sheet and try to hold back the tears, but it's impossible. The pain this situation causes me is awful... and the worst thing is that this time it's my fault. I called him myself as soon as I left the hotel where Hannah's staying and asked him—more like begged him—to have sex with me. I told him I wanted him to fuck me all night until I couldn't feel my legs. I told him that for tonight I was going to obey his every command and I was going to let him... abuse me, maltreat me.

Gosh, I'm a moron. I can't believe I said that... it's unbelievable that I agreed to that. But that's what love does. Or rather, that's what you do when you want to deny that love.

As soon as I left Hannah's hotel room I started crying. Frustrated with the way I had reacted and what an idiot I had been. How could I have been so selfish and think only of my feelings? How could I have left her there alone and walked away after she had shown me something so intimate? I am a horrible person.

My mind was possessed by Hannah and my heart wouldn't stop beating. The feeling in my chest was so strong and I could no longer deny that that was... love and that scared me.

I love Hannah. That's the truth and, but I didn't and don't want to accept it. It's impossible for me to love a girl. I like boys, always have, always will. I can't be... I couldn't be... it's impossible.

At that moment I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't like girls and that I was 100% straight. So I had no better idea than to call Leo and tell him... all that. Of course, as soon as I ended the call I regretted it and let out a scream of fear and frustration. I didn't understand what I had just done. I didn't understand why I had been so stupid and agreed to be abused, smacked and mistreated by a guy just to prove that I'm not in love with Hannah. I have such low self-esteem that I'd rather have a guy rape me than accept I'm in love and confess to Hannah how I feel.

Wow... When you put it that way it sounds so... pathetic, stupid and insane.

Still sitting on that bench in the square, I wanted to call him and tell him I took it back—I didn't want us to see each other anymore. However, it was too late for that because he had told me to come to his house in twenty minutes and also because nobody says no to Leonardo. That's how it is and always will be.

And here I am now. Waiting for him to come and take me in his hands to destroy what's left of me....

More tears fall non-stop from my eyes and when I want to stop my crying, he enters the room.

He's naked. His athletic body exposed. His face has a bit of a stubble, his dark hair is tousled and his green eyes stare at me with lust, desire and mischief. A sly smile is plastered on his face and he has his hands clasped behind his back as if trying to hide something. I fear the worst is yet to happen.

No. No. No. No. He can't see me cry. He can't... but it's too late for that now. He's already seen me. He's already seen me vulnerable  and I know what comes next.

"I see you're ready," he says, his smile widening and his eyes narrowing.

"Yes," I answer in a whisper.

He stretches his hands all the way to the front and shows me the object he was hiding, or rather, the objects.

Fuck, no.

More tears roll down my cheeks as I see the black-leather whip and metal handcuffs Leo has in his hands.

I knew today was going to be worse than the previous ones. I knew I shouldn't have called him. I knew that that call was going to make things worse and I knew that he was going to feel even more powerful over me. I knew that my words and my tone of voice were only leaving me exposed and I knew he was going to use them against me.

"Relax, I have more of these. This is just the beginning," he tells me, referring to the objects in his hands.

I nod without saying anything.

It's startling the power he has over me. It's startling how small I feel next to him and how weak I am when he's in front of me. I'm like a newborn baby who can barely defend itself. That's how Leonardo Mischiaretti makes me feel.

"Oh, are you crying?" He asks, pretending to be interested, but I know he doesn't give a shit. "Don't be like that, Cas." He climbs onto the bed and crawls over to me. He sits down next to me and strokes my arm. His touch makes me shiver and my first instinct is to push my arm away. "What's the matter? Don't you like the way I'm touching you?" He asks, pressing a kiss to my hand.

I remain silent, holding back tears and sobs.

Why am I so weak?

"Answer me!" He shouts impatiently.

I startle and close my eyes, pursing my lips.

"Yes, I like it," I answer, my voice cracking.

He smiles and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. "Good girl." He stares at me for a few more minutes and then adds, "I like that you called me, you know?"

I nod and force a smile. It's surprising what you're willing to do when you need help.

I know it may sound far-fetched and I know it doesn't make any sense, but he's the only one who can help me. He is the only one who has the contacts to do it and the only one who knows what happened. Only Leonardo can help me and this is the price I have to pay to find out the truth.

"Let's start," he gets up from the bed and grabs the whip.

I grip the sheets tightly, clenching my fists. Fear slowly takes over as I remember the pain and the marks that object left on me.

He climbs back onto the bed and his eyes stare at me with that evil look I'm so used to... I know just by looking into his eyes that this is going to hurt—a lot.

"Turn over."

I obey and turn on my stomach. Endless tears streaming down my face.

You would think that I'm used to this and that it's normal for me because I'm the one who lets myself be raped and abused in this way and I was the one who called him this time, but it's not true. You can't get used to the unbearable pain and weakness you feel when someone takes possession of your body and does things to you that you hate and you can't do anything about it because you know the consequences are more serious if you don't comply.

I feel his body leaning on mine, and I know it's about to happen.

There goes a lash, and another, and another, and another, and another... and so on until the deep pain in my backside makes me lose count.

I bite the pillow to avoid screaming from the sharp pain caused by the aggressiveness with which he whips me. New tears wet my skin and I feel like I'm about to dehydrate from crying so much.

The whipping ends and his hands travel down my back until they reach my neck. He grabs my neck and presses me so hard that I feel like I'm going to faint at any moment from lack of air.

"I... can't... breathe," I say with great difficulty.

"Shut up! I know what I'm doing," he replies grumpily.

Silent tears overflow from my green eyes and I don't even have enough air to sob anymore. I fear the worst, the worst of it all. God, what have I gotten myself into, what's going on? I hate and curse myself for calling this piece of shit and agreeing to let him hurt me like this.

Luckily, he loosens his grip and releases my neck. I let out a gasp and take a quick breath, trying to fill my lungs with air.

"Face up, Cas," commands the master, and his submissive obeys.

He grabs one of my breasts with his right hand and tightens his grip. I writhe in pain, but he doesn't seem to mind as he pinches my nipple with his free hand.

I cry out from the pain, close my eyes and press my lips together, trying to forget the sensation for a few seconds.

"Your nipples are so hard... I know that's because of me" he whispers in my ear.

He kisses my neck, bites my ear and runs his tongue along my cheek. Then he meets my lips. He catches the bottom lip between his teeth and then kisses me.

I used to love his kisses... so willing and loving... And they still are like that, though I can no longer enjoy them. I can no longer love the way his tongue caresses mine or the way his breath mingles with mine. Those are just memories, memories of something that happened quite some time ago that couldn't be further from the present.

When he kissed me I only thought of him. I was carried away by the love and passion that reigned in our relationship... but today, pain, fear and sadness consume me and at this very moment I can't help but think that the person who I really want to kiss is Hannah.