HANNAH

What the fuck just happened?

Why did she react like that? I just showed her something very personal, something I've never shown anyone before, and this is how she reacts? I didn't expect it, and the truth is, I don't expect anything from her anymore. After all, she always has something up her sleeve and always ends up surprising me.

I bend down and take the sheet of paper Casy left on the floor a few minutes ago. I lie down on the bed and reread the writing.

I sigh. I just showed her something so intimate...something so genuine and emotional...something so real...—well, me being an eighteen-year-old girl clearly wasn't real—but for what? In the end the only thing she asked me when she finished reading this stupid paper was if I wrote it before or after meeting her. Why the fuck did she ask me that?! What does it matter if I wrote it before or after? Her question doesn't make any fucking sense.

Gosh.

Sometimes I wish I knew a little bit more about her. Sometimes I wish she would reveal all her secrets to me. Sometimes I wish she would open her heart and soul to me so I could know what her true feelings are. Sometimes I wish I could read her mind and hear her thoughts. Sometimes I wish I could do all that—maybe then, I wouldn't be trying to guess how she feels and what she thinks all the fucking time. Maybe then, my life would be easier, but no, life is never going to be easy! Life has never been easy for me, and Casy is not going to be an exception.

I let out a shrill cry and tear the sheet into a thousand little pieces. Why did I have to show her that?! Why am I so fucking stupid?!

As I watch the pieces of paper fall to the floor, I cry uncontrollably. I thought I was done crying. I thought my days of suffering were finally over. I thought this pain in my chest would never return. I thought the anguish would never come back to take over my body. I thought that sadness would never again take hold of me, but I was wrong. I was wrong about everything and the worst thing is that no matter how many times I make the same mistake, I don't learn. I keep trusting her, I keep hoping that things between us will be easier and I keep hoping that life will stop fucking with me.

I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot for trusting her again and believing that we could have a nice friendship... we're never going to be friends. We're never going to be anything.

I get up from bed and with tears sliding down my cheeks, bend down to pick up the little pieces of paper from the floor. God, why did I tear it up? I hate being so impulsive when I'm angry or sad. I'm usually a person who plans every minute of her life, but when these emotions take over... they change me into a completely different person.

I'm tired of her attitude. It's exhausting to have to keep guessing what the other person is thinking or going to do. It wears me out to have to depend on a person's mood in order to be happy, but... that's the harsh reality. I am happy when she talks to me, smiles at me, opens up and tells me her secrets. However, when she turns her back on me, avoids me, hides things from me or reacts the way she did a few minutes ago, my chest hurts and I feel the overwhelming urge to cry. I hate that she has that effect on me.

I put the pieces of paper away in my desk drawer and grab my cell phone that rests on top of it. I see that I have more calls from my mom, which I avoid for the umpteenth time and almost without realizing I tap on Casy's chat. The urge to text her is very strong, but I know that would only give me the title of "the dumbest person in the world". Besides, it's very late. It's already midnight and I need to rest from this very... particular day.

I fight the urge to text her and turn off my cell phone and put it in a drawer. I don't want to look at my phone screen anymore, I've had enough for one day.

I take off the clothes I'm wearing to put on the red and white floral short sleeve pajamas I've been wearing for a week. I go to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror and start washing my face. I mop it with a towel and put my head down, gripping the bathroom sink tightly and gritting my teeth.

Breathe Hannah, breathe. Calm down.

I take a couple more breaths until I manage to calm down completely. I grab a pot of cream and start massaging it into my face in small circles. I intend to distract myself with this activity and stop thinking about the green-eyed blonde that constantly haunts me, but my mind has other plans. I'm immediately reminded that it's not so easy to stop thinking about someone you... love. As a friend, of course.

Today I thought we'd moved forward, but we only moved backward. I thought we'd never be like this again. I thought our fight and our time apart had made some progress and brought us closer... but now I don't know, I'm confused. What am I supposed to do?

I know I can't give up because something inside me is telling me not to. I know she wants to be close to me as much as I want to be close to her, but there's something I'm missing. There's something I can't figure out. Something about the way she sometimes treats me doesn't sit right with me... Sometimes she treats me like we've been friends for a long time, but other times she treats me like her worst enemy. She behaves strangely, she gets close to me, then walks away. There's definitely something strange about the way she acts, but what is it? What the fuck is it?!

I know she's hiding a million things from me, I'm aware of that too, and I know I'm opening myself up to a person I barely know, which can be dangerous—it already is. However, there is something that draws me to her. It's as if I am a magnet and she is a metal. There is an invisible force that makes me unable to detach myself from her, it is the same force that tells me not to give up; that tells me to fight for whatever it is we have and to go forward. It's inexplicable and it sounds so silly, but it's the truth—that's how I feel.

I finish putting cream on my face and body, then I brush my teeth, take a piss and leave the bathroom. I crawl into bed and then cover myself with the thin cotton sheets. I close my eyes and automatically her face takes over my mind. It's unbelievable that I can't think of anything else but her.

I'm so stupid...

That same night I'm going to try to erase Casy from my mind, but I'm going to fail miserably, as in my dreams two blondes with light blue and green eyes will appear, kissing and confusing me even more.