CASY 

After talking on the phone with him, I couldn't stop my tears from falling from my eyes. And that's exactly what I've been doing for the last two hours:
—crying and sobbing.

Right now I'm starting to feel much better, but that wouldn't have been possible without the five beers I've drunk. Now the pain and the teara have dissappeared and I feel fantastic! Honestly, alcohol is pure magic. It's like an elixir you can drink whenever you feel sad, angry or... miserable, which is how I feel almost every day. Ha. I laugh at the thought of my shitty life.

God, I am so drunk.

I get off the couch and stand on my feet, but my legs are a bit wobbly. I don't give a fuck, though. I'm very used to this—I've been drinking since I was fourteen, so nothing can surprise me anymore. I know everything about alcohol effects and the feeling after drinking like a damn fish.

I walk towards the kitchen to grab my phone to look at the time. I hope it's not too late, otherwise my aunt would be here any minute and she can't fucking see me like this. I managed very well all these years trying my best to not let her see me drunk, and I succeed, so no fucking way she's going to see me wasted today.

I enter the kitchen, grab my phone and let out a sigh of relief when I see it's only ten a.m. Fuck, alcohol sometimes makes you lose track of time. Luckily, my aunt doesn't come home until six p.m., which gives me plenty of time to sober up.

I sit at the kitchen table, tired of standing on my feet for so long, and check my messages. As I figured, none of them are from the only person I want to hear from.

I sigh wearily. Fuck, I miss her.

Why hasn't she texted me? Why hasn't she even tried to talk to me at school? Why is she acting like a stupid teenage-girl? Or maybe I am the stupid one. Yes, in fact, I am, because I'm not supposed to be thinking about her. I'm supposed to be thinking about more important things, like the guy who's tormenting me and making my life miserable. Yeah, that's important, not Hannah and her stupid smile. Smile? And why the fuck am I thinking about her smile? Get it together Castille.

Why am I still thinking about her? I can't let that happen. Besides, I'm the one who told Hannah to stay the fuck away from me. But she started the discussion in the first place. God. I can't. I can't keep thinking about her. She's the past and I need to focus on the present and my problems.

I stand up, steadier than earlier, and take a bottle of water from the fridge. I down half the bottle and go to my room upstairs. When I enter, I look at the walls covered with shitty things. Why did I thought cover my walls with stupid boy bands posters and stickers would be a good idea? Clearly, I was younger and an idiot then.

Memories of my childhood come to my mind and I try to hold back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. Those memories are too painful to... bring back. I don't want to think about that. I actually don't want to think about anything else. There's a lot going on and... I can't take it. I need to rest.

I plump down to the bed and close my eyes, trying not to think about my complicated life, but it's impossible. Images of Hannah just keep appearing in my mind. The day we met, how stupidly I made her fall on the floor, the lunch, where one of my secrets was almost revealed. I was very nice with her back then. I tried to be, because she was the only one who didn't know about my past... and my present. She was oblivious to the details of my dark and shitty life. She didn't know me at all, so it was my opportunity to try to be someone else. Someone that can have at least one good friend. Someone worthy of a truthful friendship. Anyway, that was way too good to be true and my shitty life had to come and fuck everything up. Fuck.

I lost her, I have to admit it. I lost my only chance to be happy and have a good friend. Or maybe... well I don't know if it's the alcohol talking or whatever, but I know deep down that she wasn't only a friend. I know I felt, well, feel, something for her. Something I can't put into words, but I'm sure as hell haven't felt it before.

God. I can't let her walk away from me. Not like this. But at the same time I can't let her know the truth—it would be a disaster if she knew what's going on. I can't let her sabotage everything I've worked for. I can't—it's too dangerous, but... my heart desperately wants to see her. Although my brain wants to stay far away from her. Oh god. Who should I listen to?