Chapter One

Song: Mr. Sandman - SYML

*****

"Be enough for yourself first, the rest of the world can wait"

The sunlight reflects delicately off the surface of the water, creating a brilliant mosaic of colours which dance elegantly among the gentle waves. The sun seeps into everything; a comforting warmth to contrast with the icy chill of the ocean. Sharp calls of seagulls are muffled in the distance, the sounds of laughter and squeals of joy echoing from the crowded beach.

For one small moment everything is perfect, a serenity settling over the chaos of the world.

The next moment, everything collapses.

The previously soft sunlight now reflects harshly off the water. Once dazzling in beauty, now painfully blinding. The sounds, only seconds ago soothing and filled with warmth, suddenly seem uncomfortably loud, cries of joy turning into cries of helplessness and fear.

Everything is too bright...

Too harsh...

Too loud...

Then, in an instant, everything becomes silent as I am engulfed into darkness.

My head is pounding, every cell in my body desperate for relief from this mind-numbing anguish.

My lungs are screaming for oxygen, but I can't breathe.

I can feel myself falling further and further into the abyss, the darkness encompassing me...

*****

I wake with a gasp, allowing my lungs to be filled with the air I so desperately craved mere seconds ago.

Memories flood my mind instantly. I need them to stop.

My entire body is trembling. Harsh, ragged breaths preventing me from finding any sort of calm in this storm of emotions. Even in the darkness I can feel my head spinning with confusion, splotches flashing across my vision as I clutch desperately at the bedsheets.

Everything in my mind feels like it's playing in fast-forward. Memories flash through my mind, skipping, reversing, never pausing. I try to focus on one memory alone, but they crowd together and intertwine like weeds overpowering a delicate garden of roses. My mind struggles to keep up with the whirlwind of sensations and my heart threatens to beat out of my chest.

I just need to focus...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

Breathe in...

Breathe out...

I'm not sure how much time passes, but eventually my breathing shifts from its harsh, uneven gasps into a semi-regular pattern.

I look down at my shaking hands, clasping them together to prevent the uncontrollable tremor.

Even when my body finally relaxes my mind is still reeling.

I should be shocked or scared, confused maybe, but instead I just feel numb. My entire body aches with fatigue, my eyes straining to make sense of shapes in the darkness.

I've been having the same dream almost every night for the past month, so often that at this point I should really have expected it.

My eyes adjust to the dark shadows of my bedroom as an eerie silence settles around me. It's too early even for the sound of the birds' morning call to ring through my window.

I should go back to sleep, but with my mind still racing and my heart still hammering away at my chest, I know there's no chance of that happening now.

Instead, I climb slowly out of bed, trying to make as little sound as possible as I rummage through the darkness of my room, finally managing to find a hoodie and some sneakers to put on.

As I move cautiously towards my window, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror leaning against the bedroom wall. Although my body appears as not much more than a shadow in the reflection, I don't fail to notice the worryingly pale complexion of my skin, the dark shadows beneath my eyes, the tear stained face hidden beneath a shield of dirty blonde hair.

My eyes wander to the collection of small polaroid pictures stuck around the frame of the mirror. The darkness prevents me from truly seeing them, yet I know which moment in time each picture captures. And I know that the girl captured in those pictures, those moments in time, is radiant, carefree, alive...

As I stare into the eyes of the tired girl reflected in front of me, my mind reaches a blank. The girl standing before me now is nothing more than a stranger to me, the complete opposite of the cheerful girl displayed in the pictures. Yet somehow, this is what I have become.

Shaking my head to clear away my rampant thoughts, I continue towards the window, unlatching it and pushing it open, careful not to let the rusty hinges squeak. I climb through the windowsill, landing softly on the garden bed outside, only just managing to avoid landing directly on top of mum's precious tulips in the almost complete darkness that encompasses me.

I guess I could have just gone out the front door, but I really didn't want to wake anybody and have to explain to them why I'm sneaking out at 4:00am. Like – "sorry, just needed a bit of fresh air?" – as if that explanation would satisfy them. Anyway, it's my fault that mum and dad have barely been getting enough sleep as it is, they shouldn't have to worry about me on top of everything else.

That would just be unfair to them.

Having officially made it out of the front gate, my time as a ninja is over. Instead of tiptoeing, I let my shoes hit the footpath normally, certain that I'm not going to wake anybody else now.

My strides are uneven, with my constantly changing heartrate and the nerves coursing through me causing me to speed up and slow down sporadically.

Although it's dark, with the only light coming from the crescent moon sitting low on the horizon, the path I'm following is so ingrained into my memory that I could walk it blindfolded. The slight inclines and declines in the sloped streets are familiar under my feet.

After all, I have been doing this practically every night since we moved here that long month ago.

Underneath the familiarity however, there's a certain newness. This isn't the path I grew up following. These aren't the streets I spent days goofing around on. The people in these quiet houses aren't the people I spent nearly every day of my life with up until one month ago.

As much as I try to put the past behind me, it follows me silently like a ghost. Just when I think maybe life could return to the precariously balanced midpoint between happiness and sorrow, it throws another curveball to send me tumbling completely off balance.

Soon, I hear the muffled sounds of waves crashing against the shore and the solid footpath begins to fade away, replaced by soft sand under my feet.

I follow the winding path hidden amongst the unkempt shrubbery and overgrown grass. In no time at all, I find myself staring out at the ocean with my shoes in hand, the sand now seeping in between my toes.

I breathe in the salty air as it blows roughly through my tangled hair, allowing my heartbeat to become as steady as the waves rolling smoothly into shore.

My life right now is balanced on that scale so precariously that I'm afraid one small gust of wind could bring it all crashing down.

We've been living in this neighbourhood for a month, yet I still feel so out of place. It doesn't help that I'm constantly reminded of everything that I've lost. Here on the beach though, despite the deep-rooted sense of uneasiness coursing through my body, this feels like home.

I let my mind wander through all the memories I try so hard to supress during the day...

Memories of long days spent in the summer sun, filled with laughter and joy, not a single care of what could happen, only of what was happening.

Memories of long nights spent exploring, streetlamps casting an uneven glow across our curious faces, an unheard melody sung between us.

Memories of days and nights spent hidden beneath blanket fortresses, flickering fairy lights strung up around us, somehow isolated from the rest of the world.

I shiver as the wind carries a cool breeze against my face. I reach my hands up to find my cheeks damp with tears.

I didn't even realise I had been crying.

If I were to allow these memories to surface at any other time or any other place than right here, I know I'd end up a sobbing mess on the ground. My parents, who I've progressively convinced that I'm completely fine, would become instantly afraid for me. The lines of concern sinking back into their already sorrow-filled faces.

I end up sitting on the shore for a long time. Mostly thinking back to the past, but also occasionally allowing my mind to wander to a future filled with dread and uncertainty.

It's not until the sun starts peeking out above the horizon that I realise I should probably be getting home.

I make the short trek back, letting my head clear of thoughts as my mind subconsciously guides me home. I climb in through the window once again and slide back into my now cold bedsheets.

For a moment, everything is completely still... lifeless.

In no time at all however, I hear the house come to life. Footsteps on the wooden floorboards, doors opening and closing, the kettle boiling in the kitchen, muffled voices filling the silence.

The sounds of the house are familiar, but they will never be the same.

Right on cue, there's a knock on my bedroom door, my mother's voice floating through, "Lola, time to get up!"

I push myself slowly out of bed once again, making my way across the room to my wardrobe.

My outfit is already hung up on the door, awaiting the day that lies ahead.

As much as I've been trying to prepare myself for today, I still don't feel ready.

Although strenuously willing my mind to overlook everything that might go wrong today, as I get dressed a familiar feeling of apprehension settles deep within my stomach.

*****

Thank you so much for reading this far!

Please vote / comment if you enjoyed this chapter, I'll be posting more soon!

~Eloise  <3