If you had the ability to hear other people's thoughts, would you want it?

When I was a kid, I thought it was the coolest power ever. Knowing everything.

Now that I think about it, perhaps ignorance isn't really that much of a bane in itself.

As I sat on the floor, my back firm against the bedstand, all I could think of was how stupid I was. How stupid I was to go to Damian's stupid party, to follow him upstairs, to even let him that close to myself....

Flashes from that scene replayed a thousand times over in my head.

I forced my eyes shut, coercing them to leave but in vain when I heard a knock.

"You okay?"

I looked up and found Miles standing at the door, with a cup in one hand. After he had drove me back from the party, I had insisted him to stay for a while, considering my parents and Maeve both were out attending different social gatherings and I didn't really feel like being alone.

I wish I knew then how bad of an idea it was.

I plastered a weak smile on my face as he came and sat beside me. Handing me the cup, he slowly tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

I took a sip, the hot liquid burning my throat in the process. "It burns."

"It's chamomile tea." He said. "Mom says it eases stress or something. Thought it might help."

I nodded, taking another sip. "Where did you find it?"

"Top counter."

"Oh...um... that's Maeve's stuff then."

"What?" He asked. "You guys have different stuff labelled for the two of you? No sharing?"

"Well, I hate to break it to you, Miles. But Maeve doesn't really like sharing." I answered.

He snickered. "I can see why. You'd gulp everything down in one go."

I knew he was just kidding. That's how he was, he liked to joke around me and I never took offense to any of it. But after whatever had gone down the past few weeks, I just couldn't muster up a smile to that statement.

"Hey, um..." He coughed, sensing my state. "So, what exactly happened at the party?"

"Nothing." I whispered, my voice faltering. "Why do you ask?"

"Come on, Cairo. It was clearly not nothing. I saw how distraught you were." He argued. "You know you can tell me-"

"Can we not talk about it? Please?"

He gave me a look for a moment before looking away. "Fine. Whatever."

I watched as he bit his lower lip, a habit of his whenever he got frustrated. I tilted my head, sighing.

"I'll tell you someday, I promise." I said. "I just... don't have the energy tonight."

He nodded, slowly turning his head, and looked back at me, his gaze softening. "Let's go to your terrace."

"What?"

"It's five minutes to midnight." He said. "Don't you wanna see the fireworks?"

I had almost forgotten about it being New Year's Eve.

"I don't know...i mean-"

"Come on, Hart." He insisted. "I'm sure it'll make you feel better."

I stared at him for a moment before sighing into agreement. He pulled my arm, almost dragging me up the stairs to the terrace. Once we reached upstairs, he pushed the door close and we slowly made our way towards the ledge.

The humming of cicadas paired with the soft booming noise of all the house parties happening around the neighborhood created a weird symphony. I stared into the night sky which had very few stars.

"Alright, it's almost time." His voice echoed excitedly beside me. "Have you thought of any New Year resolutions?"

A humourless chuckle ricocheted off my lips. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because," I began, breathing in. "Nothing ever works out the way I want them to. No matter how hard I try, I'm always... failing."

"That's not true! You have the highest cgpa in our grade-"

"I mean, apart from that." I interrupted. "Who am I, apart from that class nerd who nobody gives a shit about?"

There was silence following that, and I had my answer.

"You know, I tried to....be out there. To experience the world as it was. But turns out,.... it's just a fucking shitty ass place. I'm not even sure....if I wanna be in it anymore."

And it wasn't the sentence that scared me. It was how easily it rolled off my tongue.

Miles touched my arm, as if bringing me back from that dark place in my head. "Yeah...but Cairo... that's just how the world works. All you can do...is get your shit together and move on."

"You mean...just let everything happen and not do anything about it?"

"No, I mean..." He drawled, looking confused. "Yeah...kind of. I mean, what else can you do?"

I scoffed, laughing. "You're right. What can a person like me do anyways?"

"Hey," he began, nudging my shoulder softly. "Let's not get all depressed on New Year's, alright?"

I tilted my head at him.

"Especially not when I'm ditching the most happening party in town to be with you."

I smiled ruefully. "Oh how will I ever repay you?"

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "Oh I'm sure I'll work something out for you to do."

"Of course you will." I giggled genuinely. He followed suit.

As we got into talking about other mundane stuff with only two minutes left to midnight, I realised how easy it was to just laugh. To not feel the weight of the world crushing every bone in your body. To just let go and be a nobody.

That felt foreign.

In that moment, I was grateful for him. That he was standing next to me, making me laugh. That he was there.

Rookie mistake.

"Okay, okay, okay I think the countdown is starting!" He chimed excitedly, staring at his wristwatch. "10,...9....8...7..."

"6...5...4...3..."

"2...1..."

"2...1..."

"0! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" He screamed on top of his lungs as a myriad of fireworks lit up the nightsky in bright colours. I marvelled at the sight, soaking it in.

"How pretty."

"Told you."

A complacent smile tugged on my lips as I leaned against the ledge, watching several sky shots go up one after another. The air filled with people's chimes, wishing each other a happy new year.

We stayed there for a moment, watching the last big firework light up the dark sky, followed by a soothing silence.

"You were right. This made me feel better-" I turned my head to the side and before I could finish, I felt his lips on mine. It was so sudden that for the next three seconds, I didn't even realise what was happening.

But when his hands found themselves on my hips, that's when I gained consciousness and moved away.

"No, Miles..."

He gave me a look, one I was unfortunately familiar with. "What?"

"We can't. I mean... I think of you as a very good friend. That's all. I'm... sorry."

He scoffed, as if not taking my words seriously. "You're not serious, are you?"

"No, I'm very serious. Trust me." I said. "Look...I know we've known each other for a really long time and I... genuinely like you...a lot. I just... don't see you like that."

He paused for a moment, looking away. "Bullshit."

My brows knitted in place.

"So you asking me to drive you home, begging me to stay with you the night...was all what?"

"What do you mean?" I questioned.

"You know what I mean, Cairo. Stop playing dumb." He said, throwing his accusing finger at me.

"I'm not playing dumb! I don't know what the fuck you're on about!" I threw back at him. "I asked your help at the party because you're the only person I trusted there. And the only reason I asked you to stay with me tonight was because I didn't wanna be alone. I just needed company!"

"To what? Listen to your sob story? About how the world is shitty to you?"

"Don't go there, Miles." I warned.

"Oh we're going there, alright!" He argued. "You know, you're nothing but a hypocrite, Cairo. You want the world to give a shit about you, when you don't even care about the people closest to you!"

"When have I ever-"

"I fucking ditched Damian's party for you. I drove your fucking ass home, made you food, comforted you, listened to your sob story and for what?! For you to throw the friendzone at me?!" He bellowed.

I couldn't believe my ears. I had thought nothing else would ever be able to surprise me after what had happened in the past few weeks.

But universe was once again on its quest to prove me wrong.

"You think just because..." I breathed fast. "Just because....you did all those fucking things...that you're what? Entitled to have me?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, Cairo!" He moved back, holding his hair. Tears streamed down my chesks valiantly.

"Stop painting me as the fucking villain." He yelled back. "I'm a nice guy! I cared about you that's why I-"

"You cared about me?" I asked.

"Ofcourse I did!"

"Then why didn't you defend me in front of Ryder and his goons when they stole my journal and blasted my personal shit in public for everyone to hear?" I questioned. "You consider him your friend, don't you? Then why didn't you stop him? Why didn't you care about me then?"

He gritted his teeth, exhaling sharply. "That's-that's different, alright! I didn't know they were gonna do that-"

"But when they were doing it, did you stop them?" I asked, taking a step towards him. "Did you say anything in my defence?"

He remained silent.

"Forget that, when everyone in class treated me as a pariah after that incident, did you once come and sit next to me in class? Ask how I was?" I threw at him. He took a step back.

"In school it's-"

"Different?" I asked, wiping my tears. "You want to be friends with me, make me tea and drive me home...but not when anyone sees you, right? You wanna be close to me....but not in school? Because you're ashamed to be seen with me in public, isn't that it?"

He swallowed visibly. "Okay that's not fucking fair. Your reputation is-"

"Fucked." I completed for him. "And I'm guessing you think I'm to blame for that too, right?"

"I never said that."

"Your actions speak for you, Miles." I said, sniffling. "You're just like the rest of them."

My chest felt heavy, as if about to explode.

"All these weeks.... I never said anything to you in school. But that doesn't mean I didn't know." I said. "You think I didn't notice you avoiding any form of eye contact with me? You think I didn't see you standing still while your friends snickered about me behind my back?"

He sighed, looking away.

"Yes, maybe you didn't participate in those conversations. Maybe you didn't actively say cruel things about me behind my back." I continued. "But you were there. You were fucking there and you didn't do shit. You let them....do unimaginably cruel things to me and you stood like a fucking bystander!"

"So pardon me, if I don't consider you a fucking nice guy." I completed. "And if you think you are one just because you did the bare minimum for a girl that you supposedly "like", then you...are just delusional."

He stared at me, his head shaking as he clicked his tongue in place.

"Now get out of my house." I said calmly, turning to look back at the two stars hanging from the night sky. "Don't let the door hit you on your way out."

I think he stood there for a moment, still grasping the fact that I had somehow turned someone like him down before he retraced his steps back, without a word.

As the sound of the door slamming behind me echoed through the place, I sunk against the ledge, every bone in my body giving up simultaneously. Fresh hot tears flowed valiantly down my cheeks, wetting the fabric of my dress.

And despite the knife in my back being right where he left it, I still couldn't bring myself up to hate him.

______________

it's funny how it took just two people to make me stop believing in the word
"bestfriend"

xoxo,
Bosedisha