t.w: sexual assault

•••

I never thought I'd relate to an Alessia Cara song in my life.

But based on my past experiences, I guess it's safe to say I should stop thinking altogether.

As I stand in the midst of sweating and swaying bodies, all I can think of is my cozy bed at home. It was New Year's Eve and yet I couldn't think of anything to be grateful for this year.

Coming to Damian Vos' New Year Bash wasn't part of the plan. After last week's debacle, I was more than happy to just bury myself under the floorboards of my house and never be seen again. But hey, if only everything worked out just the way I wanted them to, right?

Have you gotten tired of my complaining yet? Cause I surely have.

This lack of control over my life has made already severely disoriented self worse. But somehow I was still breathing, so that seemed enough reason to go on.

Right?

Like I said, it wasn't exactly my plan to come to Damian's party. But just as I was getting ready to snuggle up with my tiger plushie to watch Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban for the 63rd time, I got a call from Bernadette.

"Cairooooooo," she sang as I picked up. "Whereeee areeeee youuuu?"

"Are you drunk?" I sat up, alarmed. Bernadette did not have a tolerance for alcohol.

"No no no no," she said. "I'm totallyyyyyy suburbb."

"You mean sober?"

"Potato potato."

I sighed. "Where are you? I'll come get you."

"Where else?" She drawled and I could clearly hear the loud music behind her.

"You went to Damian's party?" I asked.

"Uh-huh! Correct answer!"

I shook my head. Ryder and his chipmunks must've gotten her drunk in an attempt to get into her pants. I cringed at the thought, grabbing my car keys and jacket.

"Just stay put, alright? I'll be there in ten."

And as promised, I was at Damian's house, my gaze desperately trying to search for my best friend amongst the myriad of people there. How did he even know this many people?

That was a stupid question. Damian was the most famous guy at school. Obviously he knew people.

As I scanned the place for Bernadette, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned in a swift and locked eyes with Damian.

And as ashamed as I am to admit it, he looked like a character straight out of Great Gatsby.

I sucked in a deep breath as he flashed me a grin.

"I didn't think you'd be here."

"Me neither." I chuckled uncomfortably. "I mean,...uh... I'm just trying to find...uh Bernadette. Then I'll leave."

"Why so soon?" He said with a tone enough to melt your insides. My throat went dry.

"Uh.." a weird sound ricocheted off my lips. "I don't...really feel comfortable...being here."

"What? You don't like my party?"

"Oh no no," I fumbled. "It's...uh... it's a very well put together party. I just...um... don't feel comfortable around the people at this party."

And then he did something unpredictable.

He leaned over, his face inches away from my face and whispered in my ear, "So why don't we go someplace quiet?"

My goosebumps got goosebumps.

As he moved back, I tilted my head, completely puzzled. "I'm sorry... I uh... I'm just confused."

"Why?"

"We...have never....talked before. At school, elsewhere." I said, apprehension etched in my voice. "So this is sort of....sudden."

"Well," he leaned close again. "Back then, I didn't really know about your crush on me."

My face went red as my eyes widened. "Oh...that. Um...sorry, it's embarrassing-"

"Why? I'm flattered." He intervened. "I've always liked girls who are forward about their feelings."

A weird sensation erupted all over my body.

"Um..thanks, I guess?" I smiled.

"So," he began, a charigned smile etching on his lips. "As I was saying, would you like to go someplace quiet?"

There were about a thousand warning bells ringing in my ear and yet, the hormones in my body seemed to be hands in control.

"Okay."

First mistake.

As he led me upstairs, I half contemplated running away. The thought of Bernadette had already left my mind by then. I guess you could say, love makes you do crazy things.

I was being a bad friend. Yet I couldn't pull myself out of that situation.

We settled on the couch of one of the only desolate rooms in his house. Chewing the insides of my cheeks, I tried playing with the hem of my dress to distract myself when he came and sat beside me.

Dangerously close.

He apologized for the drunk guys who were almost throwing themselves at me on the stairs. I laughed and shrugged.

"It's fine."

And then we started chatting about mundane things. I was pleasantly surprised to learn how funny he was. Like the intellectual kind, not the misogynist-asshole kind.

Second mistake.

So there we were, sitting on his couch, with our shoulders touching slightly, laughing. At one point, Damian had me laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. I leaned over, touching my forehead to his shoulder begging him to stop.

And that's when he touched my thigh.

That's when I knew.

I stopped laughing. But I kept my forehead on his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"What do you think?" He asked.

I didn't answer.

But neither did I move away. Not even when his fingertips caressed my thigh....and started moving up.

"Uh...Damian-"

He shushed me with a kiss. A kiss I wasn't expecting. A kiss I was not ready for.

His shoulder moved away and I tried moving back, but his arm was behind my back, pulling me closer. My fingers were trying to pry his fingers off. To loosen his grip. To push him away.

"Fuck, you're so thick." He breathed in between and it was like I lost it.

But I still didn't yell.

Third mistake.

Instead, I just said, "No."

And I knew he heard me because, with me looking over the couch, my mouth inches away from his ear. "Stop it. No."

"Don't worry about it." He said. And maybe he knew his time was short, because his hand immediately slid all the way up.

And that's when it snapped.

I gathered my might and rammed both of my hands, against his chest pushing him away.

"I said stop!"

"Fucking hell!" He yelled as he almost slid off the couch. It was funny but in that moment, I couldn't muster up a smile. I felt... disgusting.

"Why did you-"

"What's wrong with you?!" He screamed before I could utter.

There were so many answers to that question but I didn't feel like giving any of them to him.

"What's wrong with you?" I whispered back. I hated my voice, how fragile it sounded. "You just spoke to me for the first time fifteen minutes ago. And now you want to-"

"Oh please!" He got up. "Like you haven't fantasized about it since school began!"

I felt my insides rot.

"You know what? You're nothing but a fucking tease, Doubtfire!" He yelled, before walking out, slamming the door behind him.

My heart felt at the verge of collapsing. Everything did.

And that collapse was creating a vacuum in my chest, like every nerve in my body was withering in, pulling away from my body.

Dissapearing.

Then slowly, with zombied steps, I picked myself up from that couch and headed outside. Just as I slammed open the door, I heard several giggles.

Looking up, I found my best friend standing with Ryder and his doucebags. She had a sheepish smile on her face but it lessened when she saw my state.

And that's when I noticed all the phones pointed at me.

It took me a horrid second to put two and two together, to get some sense of clarity before I heard Bernadette say, "Cairo, you okay?"

"You-" I began, not trusting even my heartbeat at that moment. "You were never...drunk, were you?"

A guilty look escaped her features and my heart sunk further in place.

"No shit, Doubtfire!" Ryder laughed aloud. "We dared her to get you to this party!"

I focused my gaze on Bernadette, who stood sober and sheepish in front of me.

"Is that true?"

"Cairo, it isn't-"

"Is it fucking true, Bernadette?"

She swallowed visibly. I had my answer.

"And let me guess," I began, looking at the guys. "You guys dared...Damian to kiss me?"

"You can thank us later!" Ryder stuck out his tongue at me, the alcohol seeping into my senses like a toxic chemical.

And in that moment, it was like... I finally snapped out of it.

I gave Bernadette one last look. "Find your own ride."

Saying that, I pushed past her and rushed down the stairs in a haze, not really caring where my feet were taking me. I couldn't think of a single coherent thought. I couldn't think....

"Yo," a guy yelled as I accidentally bumped into him. "Cairo?"

I looked up and found myself facing Miles. As if sensing my state, he asked, "Are you okay?"

I didn't answer. I couldn't.

"What are you even doing here?" He asked, grabbing my shoulder. "Shouldn't you be at-?"

I needed to get out. I just needed to leave.

"Can you take me home?"

Biggest mistake.

______________

this chapter's short because i couldn't bring myself to write about this experience of mine because that meant, sort of reliving it again, which I don't have the courage to.
yet.

if anyone's gone through a similar incident, I stand with you. I empathise with you. You weren't in the wrong.
always know that.

xoxo,
Bosedisha