BY THE TIME I RETURN BACK TO school, it's around time for home game season. This is usually the couple of weeks in the soccer season where the boys and girls' team have games set in our fields. The day I return I actually post an article for the school paper about wearing our prideful colors, red and blue. Obviously my heart's not really in the words considering certain events, but at least it's convincing that I'm excited.

Yeonjun had invited me to the game sometime ago. Now I decided I would actually go. Yeah, maybe part of it is to cheer him on (I guess) but there was also someone else I needed to speak to. And I am positive they will be at the game as well.

Doyeon's surprised when I text her asking what she's wearing to the game. There's a dress code for these kind of events, so when I explain to her that I'm planning on going, she decides to lend me one of her spare jerseys. It's not hers, but her older brother used to play for Thistlethorn. I expected that maybe she would wear the jersey, but she explains to me that I should be wearing it more than her. Of course, her logic never makes sense to me, but I shrug it off like always.

And when we arrive at the field, I drop my friend off at the bleachers. I give her the excuse that I'm going to go get food, but instead take a detour for the locker rooms. I don't even hesitate at the door before pushing inside the boys' room.

I would find the reactions funny as I step inside, but I'm far too annoyed to think much about it. Instead, I slap a hand over my eyes. "Relax I'm not looking." Then I peep one open and glare hard at Lucas.

"You, bitch. We need to talk."

His shirt is half on, definitely startled after hearing my voice. "Mai? What the hell?"

"Mai?" That's Yeonjun's voice this time. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm talking to you Lucas. Put on your clothes and come out. We need to talk."

"You could've just asked for a strip show if you wanted one. No need to barge into our smelly locker room."

His remarks are unnecessary, I note. Like he's trying to avoid coming outside. Like he knows exactly what this conversation is supposed to be about.

He broke our deal. So I guess it's my turn.

"You know, I wasn't sure if you were all aware," I begin, still hand over my eyes. "But your team captain here is a really bad boy. You're probably aware of him bullying kids, and that could definitely get him suspended but did you know that he also—"

I smile to myself when his rough hand drags me out of the room. Just as expected. He is so easy to predict. Lucas doesn't have much going on upstairs, but yet somehow he's able to be pretty duplicitous. I don't even know how exactly he found out about my scandal.

Actually, I do. I hadn't expected him still at school so late at night, but he had overheard one of mine and Doyoung's many conversations. It was enough for his dense head to put the pieces together. And obviously his status holds a large standing here, releasing my name would cause an uproar. I could get in serious trouble.

You already know the gist.

"What do you want? You can't just barge into the locker rooms with absolutely no warning and start saying shit you're not supposed to say!"

"I'm not supposed to say? What happened to our deal then? You were the one who reported Mr. Kim, didn't you?"

"I kept your name out of it!"

"They're going to find out it was me, you asshole!" I glare at him. "Why would you do that anyways?"

"I..." It surprises me when he falters, clearly not sure what to say in his defense. Not just annoyed, I'm angry now. Why would he do something so reckless when his reputation is on the line too? I seriously thought he would be smarter than this.

"The minute my name is out there, Lucas." I whisper, deadly serious. "I'm not going to hesitate telling everyone what I know."

"Yeah, fine." He sweeps a hand over his face. "It's a risk I'm willing to take."

"What?" More than anything now, I'm just confused. "That's all you're going to say?"

"What else am I supposed to say?"

"You're usually not this passive." I mutter. Something is seriously up with him. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing you already don't know, Mai." He points at the exit. "Just go. I have to go play in a couple minutes."

I don't like this. Whenever it's the two of us alone, both of us are usually on the verge of a bloodbath. Yet somehow, he is extremely calm, and...tired? Like he has no interest to fight with me today. I mean I'm all for the non violence, but with Lucas it is extremely weird. I'm actually a bit concerned for him. He just completely risked his chances of being exposed, by throwing Mr. Kim under the bus. And he did it all the while leaving my name out of it. Should I be touched or angry? And he willingly admitted he knew what he was risking? Without a single snarky remark?

"What do you know?" I ask, this time a little less accusatory. "Just give me something to work with here. This change of behavior is making it so hard for me to believe a single thing you're saying."

"You want something? Fine." He rakes a hand through his hair. "You know my secret, I know yours. What makes you think Mr. Kim doesn't have one? Do you even know who he was before he came to Thistlethorn?"

I furrow my brows. "Who was he?"

"That's not important." He steps away from me. "You probably won't trust me anyways, but you should stay away from him."

First Lisa now him. This time, when he's definitely out of earshot, I scream.

🥀

        BY THE TIME I RECOLLECT AND return back to the game, it's already started. I hand Doyeon a plate of nachos and a bottle of Gatorade. She grins, thanking me loudly. After I take a seat next to her, it's quite noticeable (at least for me) how much my mood has deflated since arriving here. I wonder how much longer I'm going to be able to pull this off. And keep myself together.

It's more than just keep the neutral face I have. There's way too much going on. With the attempted robbery, that just seems to be the last thing I can handle. This is too much. It's more than you're going to understand, and what sucks the most is that no one quite understands what I am going through. I'm keeping up with too many secrets, too many half truths.

First Lisa. Then Mr. Kim. And Seulgi, now Lucas. I'm still having trouble recalling who that voice was at the morgue, and I have a feeling it is very important. And the entire situation in the east side itself, like they recognized me. A girl who's never been to that side before. Too much of my life isn't making sense, isn't adding up. And it shouldn't be like this. I should know what the hell is going on! But I don't, and it frustrates me so much.

Stressed doesn't even cover half of what I feel right now. I'm exhausted, and so tired of keeping up with this act. Like being one of the IT girls at Thistlethorn. They're supposed to have their shit together, and I really don't. People look at me in the halls as if I'm this respected, smart, and intelligent girl. Mai seriously has her entire life together. She's smart, has no filter, and won't hesitate to kick your ass. God, how I wish I still thought of myself like that.

Later when the game wraps up, it's a successful night for the Thistlethorn boys, they win by a long shot, mainly Yeonjun and Lucas carrying the team this time around. For the sakes of him, I plaster a large grin on my face and applaud loudly for him.

"You should congratulate him." Doyeon says, reminding me that she's still next to me. I look at her, blink once, then nod slowly.

"Right. Yes, I probably should. Be right back."

They're on the sidelines, still definitely jubilated from the recent news of their win, and most of the people with them at the sidelines are either girlfriends or other close friends of the teammates. Yeonjun is among them, using a towel to dry out his sweaty hair. Seeing him brings a small but genuine smile to my face. Even though most of the shit that has gone down occurred ever since his arrival, I can't deny how much of a good friend he's become to me. Though I'm not completely sure what we are, this in between feels pretty nice. It's not complicated, for once.

He's the only thing that doesn't feel complicated in this entire town.

"Mai." He grins. "You're still here!"

"Yeah, of course." I roll my eyes. "Obviously I'm not a huge fan of sports, but maybe you carrying your team could be an interesting part in the next article for the Thistlethorn Red." When I say his, he beams more.

"I guess I did pretty good." He blinks. "It's probably because you were here."

"Hm?"

"Hawthorne effect." When he says this, I purse my lips, mumbling an 'oh'. That's sweet, I find myself thinking. He actually remembered that I was here.

Well, it would make sense he would, considering I barged into his locker room, and kind of caused a scene. Part of me wants to explain why exactly I did that, though I don't get why. I blink quickly, placing my palms at my sides.

"Well, yeah look. You did great. So I just wanted to congratulate—"

"Mai."

"Yeah?" I look at him, he's not smiling now.

"Are you okay?" Yeonjun frowns. "You don't really...seem like yourself."

"I..." I get caught off guard by his question. It shouldn't, but it does. Not many people ask me if I'm fine, even though he has many times. He's one of the only ones who does. And I don't know why it should bother me so much like this. Maybe it's the fact that it's coming from someone else. He notices how messily I pulled myself together before coming to the game. He noticed how I was barely holding it together after the diner incident. I don't know how exactly I'm becoming so transparent to the new kid at school, and before I used to detest the fact that he could get under my skin and always keep me at an arm's reach...but I don't anymore.

This realization for one, makes perfect sense.

"Do me a favor."

Yeonjun looks at me. "Yeah?"

I don't second guess it, thinking I might regret this later, so I wrap both my arms around his neck, pulling the taller boy closer to me. It's when we're like this, my head resting on his shoulder, that I feel like I'm finally able to breathe. He has an effect on me, Choi Yeonjun, and it's really calming. And maybe this action is way too personal for people still in the almost stage, but I don't care because I'm so tired of acting like I'm fine that the one moment someone asks me if I'm okay I'm just about ready to fall apart.

"Just don't push me away." I mutter near his ear. "You're right, I'm not myself, because I feel far from it...but this, I really need this right now."

Yeonjun has a way with words. They always catch me off guard. He tricks my brain many a time, saying things that seem friendly and platonic, but yet they carry double meaning, implies something more. With him it's always the maybe. It's a first when his words a strikingly clear.

"I would never push you away."