Chapter 5: I'm sorry

Scarlet
Morning came sooner than expected. I wake up with the sun glaring at me through the window, the warmness welcoming but annoying. I groaned and wanted to get up but couldn't.

Confused I looked down to see a strong arm around my waist and looked behind me to find Liam sleeping soundly with his face snuggled in my hair.

Suddenly the events of last night flooded my mind. A slight blush tinged my face and I laughed lightly when I saw him sneeze slightly.

I sighed and carefully lifted his arm from my waist, sitting at the side of the bed. Before I could get up, I was pulled back down and was suddenly facing Liam who was staring at me sleepily. He held me closely and nuzzled his face at the crook of my neck.

"Morning beautiful" he murmurs.

I sigh "Liam I need to get to school".

He groans and pulls me impossibly closer. "Just skip school. You hate it anyway. Spend the day with me?" He pleads, his breath tickles me.

I sigh "Fine. But at least let me get ready."

"No" he says firmly but childishly.

"Liam" I warn.

"But babe, I wanna snuggle!" He exclaims.

"We can snuggle later. Right now I wanna eat" I retort.

I push him off and thought I finally won. I didn't win.

Before I could even get one foot off the bed, he pulls me back and pins me down. He kisses my lips and starts making his way to my neck.

"Liam I'm hungry" I say, struggling to push him off. In reality I wasn't really putting in much effort. I actually enjoyed this moment. Waking up with him beside me, acting like a couple. We are a couple.

The thought of this being real was quite over whelming. He continues trailing kisses from my jaw to the crook of my neck and again. One of his hand stops pinning mine down and caresses my waist.

The thought of it all over took me and I unconsciously ran my hand through his soft blond hair. Taking this as a sign I give in, he releases my other hand puts it on my thigh.

Before all of it could escalate, I flipped us over so I was on top of him instead. He chuckles lightly and continues kissing me. I stop his lips from touching mine and he looks at me confused.

I made it look like I was gonna kiss him again but changed course the last second and kissed his forehead instead. In his confused and distracted state, I moved off of him and headed for the bathroom.

He groans and lies back down on the bed.

I laugh at his childishness as he pouts and sulks. "I never said you weren't welcomed to join me" I call after him behind my back as I left the door open.

Within seconds he was beside me and had already picked me up and put me on the counter kissing me passionately and gently.

-time skip cause they did the nasty and I don't wanna write that-

When we got dressed, We entered the kitchen to find Jasper already there. He looks up from his breakfast and smirks. I give him a questioning look.

"You guys had fun last night" he says nonchalantly.

I knew what he meant, I was hoping it wasn't what I was thinking. "What do you mean?" Liam asks behind me.

He picks up his coffee and drinks it. He's making us wait. What an asshole. Finally he puts down his cup and gives a satisfied sigh. He clears his throat and says quite plainly "These walls are thin"

I blush deep red and so does Liam. I mean, I guess we kinda forgot Jasper is in the house. Didn't really consider or even register he was here.

"And I heard this morning." he mutters.

I swat him on the head as I pass him to get the coffee in the pot. "Oh stop being so immature, Jaz. You're just being like that cause you can't get laid"

He gapes at me "I can get laid! Just watch, girls practically throw themselves at me. By the end of the day I will have slept with at least 5 girls."

I narrow my eyes mischievously "Make it ten and I'll give you the WiFi password"

He smiles and sticks his hand out "Deal". I take it.

"My god you guys are disgusting." I hear Liam mutter.

I smile at him but frown at a sudden realization "Hey don't you have to be at school?" I ask as I make the both of us breakfast.

He sits on a stool by my kitchen island and shrugs "Not really. Im getting most of the assignments online from my classmates and submitting them that way. Plus I'm on a lacrosse scholarship so I don't really have to worry about money, remember?"

I nod absentmindedly while getting the pancake batter and reading the expiry date.

"What's the date today?" I asked to no one in particular reading the date on the box.

"15th." Jasper answered through a mouthful of eggs.

I froze and just stared at the box. My eyes wide, hands shaking and breathing erratic. Liam tensed too. Sensing my unease he stood and hugged me from behind.

"Are you gonna visit them?" He asks softly.

I breath heavily and squeeze his hand maybe a bit too tightly based on the small crack that sounded but he didn't seem to notice, too set on making me feel better. I turned around slowly to face him and when I looked at him, his eyes were drooped and looked like one wrong word would make him cry like there was no tomorrow.

He placed his hand on my cheek. A sign of reassurance. A sign of safety. This seemed to be my undoing as I felt the tears leave my eyes and slowly drip down my cheek. A look of alarm crossed his face and he wiped the tears frantically.

"Hey don't cry" He says trying to hide his own sadness that was so clearly there. He held me close to his chest and let me cry, stroking my hair gingerly and whispering words that was not audible in my loud mind.

"You don't have to visit them today, you know?" he says as he stroked my arm.

I pushed him away like his touch burned. Those words stung. He knew what this day meant to me and he still says this. He said this last year and the year before.

"When will you stop asking?" I asked and my voice cracked. He opened his mouth but I stopped him before he could say anything "I'm sick of that question! You know I would never do that! You know how sensitive this day is and you pull this question every year like its nothing! And don't give me the bullshit of me being upset every year, how could I not? My sister died! My mother died right after! Everyone around me is leaving one by one and its all because of me! My fault everyone is leaving! Im pathetic. I killed my sister! I killed my mother! I'm the reason they're gone! It's my fault they died! Its my fault they died, its my fault they died.....!"

My anger vanished, replaced by guilt and sadness. I didn't even notice he had pulled me towards him and hugged me. I continued to cry while not having enough energy to push him away again.

"Im sorry." he says. He seems to be saying that a lot and it was infuriating. He wouldn't need to apologize if he just knew how to choose his words properly.

With a frustrated energy I pushed him away again and took a look at Jasper. His mouth was opened wide as he watched the scene unfold in front of him.

"Jasper." I said firmly. He almost fell out of his stool because he was so startled. "We're leaving"

He nodded and stood up to leave. I was steps behind from him but was stopped by Liam "Where are you going?"

"Can you get any dumber?" I half yelled. "If you had half a brain you'd know why Im so fucking upset!" I screamed and turned to leave but was stopped by him again.

"Look, Scar Im sor-" before he could finish his so called apology I cut him off again.

"Don't "Scar" me! And stop saying sorry! Its so annoying! For once in your life can you stop saying those two words? For once in your life can you not contradict my every move?" I moved away from him as he reached out to touch my shoulder.

With one final shudder of breath I said "Im going to their graves with Jasper. I don't want to see you there so don't follow me. And talk to me once you've come up with a real apology." I glared at him one more time before rushing to my car where Jasper was already waiting.

He didn't say anything as we left my drive way. He didn't say anything when I kept stopping at random roads. He seemed to understand and didn't try to comfort me. He didn't question me about my sister and mother and how they left. I liked that about him.

I pulled over in front a a flower shop. I don't visit this place often. I didn't visit this place at all. That changed. Jasper stayed quiet as I left him inside my car.

I pushed the shop door open with a little dingle. The shop owners looked up from what they were doing and flashed me a sad but sweet smile. They knew what this day was. That's cause I only visit them on this day.

Maria, the owner, was a plump women in her early 50's. She had midnight dark hair that always seemed to be in a bun with streaks of grey throughout the years I see her. He husband, Marco, was the co-owner of the shop. He had curly dark hair with the sides turned white because of age. He was taller than her so his frame towered over her small figure by a lot.

He was older than her, ten years apart. But that didn't stop them, nor did their family rivalry. They were madly in love and I remember visiting her house when I was a kid, the house would somehow always smell of cookies and mint. I called her Abuela much like everyone else because that's how she felt to us. She would tell all of us kids about how she met her husband and how she hated him with every bit of her being.

That was untill they realized they had so much in common then they fell deeply in love. I never really got to hear the full story because I was too busy messing with the boys in her garden. Like the boys, I thought love was disgusting and that we we're never getting married. Maria told me to not be so sure because she thought the same thing.

I smiled to myself at the memory. Abuela had already put the flowers that I always get on the table, Lilies, Daisy's, Purple Hyacinths, and Blue Bells.

I smiled at them "Thanks, Abuela" I said as I pulled out my wallet to pay.

She nods "How have you been, Mija?"

I sighed "Never better"

"Mija don't lie to me. I've known you your whole life and I know when you're lying" she snaps.

I laugh lightly "Seriously, Abuela I'm fine"

She glares at me. It wasn't really out of anger. "You really think you can lie? Look at you, you're eyes are red, cheeks swollen, your hair is terrible! No puedes mentirme cariño!" She says and pats my head like I'm still a kid.

I've learned long ago to never ask what she's saying. Especially when she's angry. Still smiling I took the flowers after I paid and she waved goodbye to me. I knew that they always talk about me after I leave.

They pity me. Just like everyone else in this god forsaken town.

I made my way to my car and found Jasper wasn't there. Did I not lock the door? Oh what am I talking about, he can take care of himself.

I found him in the middle of the road. Luckily these roads are never busy. He had his hands in his pocket, his curly hair a mess because of the horrendous wind that was blowing.

I found myself staring at him. It was undeniable that he was handsome, I can see why girls swoon for him. His eyes looked warm and full of light. His lips twisted in a frown and his eyebrows furrowed as if deep in thought. I hadn't noticed this before but his left eyebrow had a type of slit on it. Maybe when he was a child he got a scar there and the hair never regrew. It just adds to his rugged looks.

As if sensing my presence he turned to me. "Hey" those were the first words he said. "Lets go"

We hop into the car and I drive us to their graves. Once there, I noticed the wind was still going strong making my hair whip around dangerously. The air was cold and I found myself thanking god that I was already wearing a jacket.

The graveyard in this town wasn't big, but It wasn't small either. The land there was smoothed down and but despite that each grave stone was different.

I carefully made my way towards the destined location as to not trip on anything. The sky seemed to darken and layers of clouds formed making the whole place look eerie and abandoned.

We stood in front of their stones that was cracked but other wise in good shape. I gingerly placed the flowers in between their stones and the feeling of grief that overcame me all those years ago came back. Like it always does on this day.

I traced my fingers over Avery's stone, dipping my fingers in the indents of each letter.

Avery Beatrice Andrews
1996 - 2012
Beloved daughter, sister and friend

My heart turned heavy as I read her favorite quote. The one she'd repeat to me everytime I did something wrong and felt guilty about it;

"Mistakes are sometimes the best memories"

I closed my eyes as the pain seeped through to my heart. Guilt always overwhelmed me on this day. I averted my eyes to my mother's grave tracing my fingers on the crack that threatened to split her name in half as it raced along the middle.

Sophia Lucy Andrews
1970 - 2012
Beloved mother, wife and colleague
"Everything happens for a reason"

Yes mom, everything does happen for a reason.

My heart raced as I traced over the word reason. Through the 6 years you were gone I searched for a reason you're not there. A reason you lost your life and not me.

Im still hurting.

I stood up and took a step back. Hard to believe that they were just below the ground, lifeless and unmoving. Rotting.

I felt my eyes burn with tears and I frantically searched for something, someone, to hold on to.

I gripped the hand beside me tightly and let the tears spill. The ache. The pain. It all came back. It will always comes back.

I turned towards the broad chest and cried. I hugged him and sobbed until my throat turned dry. I felt him hesitantly wrap his arms around me and held me in a tight embrace.

The thing that Liam never understood was that I didn't want him to make it better. I didn't want him to tell me soothing words. I just wanted him to be there. Much like Jasper is now.

"Hey sis" I hear a familiar voice say behind me. I pull away from Jasper and met with a familiar pair of green eyes.

"Sam" I say solemnly.

He offers me a sad smile of recognition as I took him in a bear hug. I see tears swim in his eyes as he took in their graves. His eyes scanning over the words etched on it.

He was 13. Tall, lanky and freckled face little brother. He was far different from the 7 year old kid that would annoy me by playing with my things. He wasn't cheery anymore. His eyes lost the familiar soft glow that would always persist.

I guess you could say he became emo. He was almost as tall as me now. We shared the same tousled brown hair but his always seemed lighter when the sun hit it.

We use to be so close. I remember those days at Abuela's house.

Sam was only 3 and I was 7. Avery 12 and Sebastian 17. Sebastian was in his senior year, the plan was that he go to college for a few years then join the military. He did just that. And that's when he found out about Avery.

That's when he got the news of our sisters death. His baby sister. Already a broken man with the things he's seen im the army. He became reckless. Drunk. Then sober.

As quick as that.

Imagine how he reacted when he found out our mother committed suicide the same spot Avery died.

Why can't we go back to playing in Abuelas garden? Those times when college was miles away, you didn't get drunk at family gatherings and you would get money when you sell cookies. Those days when everyone knew everyone and everything was easy. Those days when it used to be the S siblings and Avery.

Now we don't visit Abuela and her garden is mostly dead with overgrown weed. Adults pressure you with which college you apply to since its months away, you always get drunk when you're around unwanted family members just so you don't strangle them and people would call you desperate-and maybe you are- if you sell cookies like you used to. You still knew everyone but years pass and things happen so you aren't as close and you dislike one to many people to bother to rekindle your bond. Avery is gone.

God life is so fucking messed up. Like, God, are you up there? Yeah Scarlet here, do me a favour and stop making so much drama in my life like a fucking Korean tv show. Im only 17!

"I didn't want to come" he whispers as his grip tightens around me. "I didn't want to see"

I kept quiet, there was nothing for me to say to that.

The pain. Always the pain. The unbearable pain. You think you'd feel better because of the years that pass by. Never be hopeful. Never assume. The pain and darkness, guilt and grief will always come back.

"How do you do it?" He asks.

"Do what?"

"Go through with it. Go on with your life. Move on"

I paused. "I don't"