There weren't many things that Thalia hated about being a hunter of Artemis. To be honest, eternal life was a pretty sweet deal; she had been given a way out of that prophecy, she would never age, never feel her body succumb to the creeping hands of old age. She would remain, young and full of life forever -or at least until she was killed, but with the goddess Artemis on her death was unlikely to happen for a long time.

The only thing that ever made Thalia yearn to be mortal again was that one condition: the constraint that forced Thalia and the other huntresses to swear off boys. Forever. Thalia sighed. She had to admit that that part of the deal sucked. Of course, when she was a younger and had taken up the pledge, she'd barely given that stipulation a second thought. She'd just come back from being a tree for over half a decade; if she could handle that, she could handle anything. And anyway, what did she even know about boys? Her only experiences had been awkward firsts with Luke, experimental kisses and fumblings that happened when they sought comfort in each other after being shunned by the world and forced onto the streets.

Although she didn't age, per se, she was older now and she craved more. She missed that part of life where you explored yourself and others. But it wasn't just that. She had often looked at the sweet nature of Percy and Annabeth's relationships. The way Percy would absentmindedly twine his hands in Annabeth's golden hair, or the way that the girl would instinctively lean into her boyfriend's touch. At times, Thalia felt a kind of reset brimming within her as she thought about all those naive, innocent, carefree moments that she would miss out on.

Of course, Annabeth's death and shown her a different perspective. It was like flipping a silver coin. One side, beautiful and gleaming, engraved with the face of some nobility, just shining with all the wonders of life. And the other side, tarnished, blackened with dirt after being left too long in the world. Thalia flipped a coin in her hand and watched as it spun through the air. The polished silver light caught the light and she remembered those tender moments between two of her closest friends. But when the coin fell in her palm, it landed dark side up, and she remembered that those sweet, seemingly perfect relationships had dark sides too.

Thalia threw the coin into the surf before her and felt an immediate pang of sadness. She and Percy used to sit on the beach together. She'd make a wish -always something trivial- throw the coin into the ocean, and Percy would laugh, that mischievous glint lighting up his green eyes, and before Thalia could even blink, the item would be returned to her by the waves. When Annabeth had died, Thalia had tried to bring Percy back, tried to nudge him back to reality but he had resisted. And her coins washed away into the ocean, gone forever. Of course, Percy's resent for the life of a demigod had always simmered beneath the surface. Thalia had always known that. Perhaps her years with Luke's cynicism had taught her that the life of a godling would always end in tragedy. Nevertheless, Percy had kept his darkness contained. Annabeth kept it contained for him. And when she died, it was like opening Pandora's box, letting Percy unleash his horrors on the world.

Thalia sat there, curled in the sand, her arms wrapped tight around her knees. The tears streamed down her face and the wind whipped them away. Now Percy was dead too. But, as she thought about back to how the boy had been after Annabeth's demise, she realised that he had died at the exact moment that Annabeth's soul left the Earth, bound for Elysium. In that moment, an irreparable part of Percy had broken, washed away into the waves like those coins that would never be found.

Ever since Thalia had first learnt of demigods, she had always been vaguely comforted by the indisputable knowledge that there was an underworld and an afterlife. That there was a paradise waiting for her when her time was up. That thought used to be something to return to during particularly deathly battles, a small consolation when her lungs felt like they were but to give up and there was a searing pain in her leg and her heart felt ready to explode. It was almost a consolation. A voice that would soothe away the pain and remind her that soon things would be better. Now, however, it made her uncomfortable. Before Percy had died, he had told her about his promise to Annabeth. His oath, sworn on the River Styx. When Thalia had first heard about unbreakable vow, she had been relieved; Percy would grieve Annabeth for a while but eventually he would move on- uphold his promise to keep living his life. How wrong Thalia had been. And now, the daughter of Zeus couldn't help but feel her heart flutter about her ribcage as she pondered Percy's fate.

"Dam you, Percy," she muttered as she threw coin after coin into the tumultuous sea. The tears kept up their steady journey down her face as she repeated the phrase.

"Dam you, dam you, dam you..." Her voice cracked with the knowledge that Percy Jackson was most probably actually truly damned. The thought was too much for her, and sobs burst out of her in great wracking breaths. Thalia clutched her knees tighter, rocking back and forth in the cold sand, crying for her friend. If only she had been there for him, then he wouldn't have broken his oath... he would never have damned himself.

Although Thalia didn't know for sure if Percy was actually experiencing eternal torture, she suspected it. After Jason's death -Thalia had been thoroughly relieved to know that her brother truly reached Elysium- Nico had granted her an iris message: one last call to see her brother. Thalia had interrogated Jason for what felt like hours, making sure that he was actually in paradise and not experiencing some cruel twist of fate orchestrated by Hera whereby he would be revealed to be suffering some kind of warped psychological torture- she had seen enough episodes of The Good Place to be wary of such fates. After sufficient questioning and acceptable answers, she had dared to inquire after her friends. Namely Annabeth -Thalia had yet to discover that Luke had never left Elysium. Jason had breezily confirmed that Annabeth was doing fine -more than fine, brilliant really, and so Thalia had dared to broach the topic of her other best friend, Percy. According to Jason, he didn't know anybody named Percy. Apart from the original Perseus who had beheaded the gorgon Medusa and saved Andromeda. Anyway, they had only exchanged a handshake at a dinner party once, so why was Thalia inquiring after him anyway? Thalia had stammered some excuse and had maintained her composure for the rest of the chat before dissolving into tears as soon Jason's face had faded into nothingness. It was true: Percy Jackson was well and truly damned.

It was lucky that Nico di Angelo had shadow travelled away before Thalia could even lay a finger on him because she was pretty certain that there was no way she'd ever reach Elysium if she murdered Hades' own son. The boy had been avoiding her ever since and although Thalia had tried to wheedle information as to Nico's whereabouts from Will Solace, it was clear that the son of Apollo was no more knowledgable about the matter than herself. What was the point anyway? It wasn't like Nico's confirmation of Percy's tragic fate could change anything, could was it? She was stuck in the land of the living. Maybe if she was dead, she could find a way to help him? Thalia shook her head. Why was she contemplating such matters? She was practically immortal; she wouldn't die of old age. The only way that death would come to her would be by some unfortunate circumstances in battle or suicide. And there was no way that she would be killing herself; that was ignoble and would almost certainly bar her from paradise. Like Percy. Regardless of whether or not she made any promises on the River Styx.

Thalia remained on that beach for hours. The other hunters of Artemis knew that she was grieving and they respected her enough to let her be. Nobody bothered her. The only people she ever really saw these days were Grover and Sally Jackson. They understood her pain like nobody else. But sometimes, she wanted to be alone. She wanted to let that melancholy sweep over her, crushing her with its terrible power. She wanted to understand what exactly drove Percy to death. Thalia used to think, with a kind of spiteful and superior pleasure- that her father was the most powerful Olympian. But as she grew to understand the cruel sheer force of grief, she recognised how wrong she was. Achlys, the goddess of misery and sadness, was clearly the deity that most ought to be feared and revered. It was just when Thalia was drowning in these thoughts of emotional pain that the air before her began to shimmer.

A face started to fade in and out of sight before her and she put out a hand to feel the air. She curled her fingers, reaching for something that wasn't exactly there. Thalia blinked, and dragged a hand across her eyes, smearing her eyeliner in the process. She had a sudden random fleeting feeling of annoyance; she'd spent ages perfecting her eye makeup and now it was probably ruined; not that it mattered now- she'd been crying all day. The air flickered again and Thalia blinked. Oh my gods. She covered her mouth and felt her body begin to tremble.

"Luke." The word fell from her in a gasp.

The boy stared through the iris message and grinned at her.

"Hey Thalia." Thalia's electric blue eyes started to brim with tears again and she blinked rapidly. The smile slid off Luke's face, replaced with a look of deep concern.

"Hey hey, don't cry."

"I'm not-" Thalia choked through apparently obvious tears. "Eyeliner...in my eye."

Luke smiled a half-smile a little at that and put a hand to the surface of the iris message, wishing more than ever that he could touch Thalia, wipe those tears away.

"It's okay, Sparky." He said tentatively.

Thalia whipped her head up at that, eyes blazing bluer than ever, juxtaposed against that dark mask of eyeliner that she had rubbed at.

"Don't- you do not get to call me that," she snarled at the boy. "Not after what you did to us. To the world. To me."

Thalia's voice cracked and she stood with her face away from the boy who had broken her heart. He tried to find something to say but 'sorry' really didn't seem good enough.

"I'm trying, Thalia." His voice was so quiet. "Annabeth's here with me. In Elysium."

He tried a lopsided grin and in that second, all Thalia's memories from before Camp Half Blood flooded back to her. They'd never been safe, on the streets, but she had been the happiest she had ever been. Annabeth, Luke and Thalia. It had been just them against the world. And although life had been filled with fear and the undeniable knowledge that every day could be their last, she missed it. She missed him. Thalia's heart wrestled with her mind. She still loved Luke but he had betrayed them all - for Kronos. She couldn't forgive him. Thalia's body crackled with electricity and she curled her hands into fists. Somehow, the way that Luke smirked at the little lightning bolts that flickered from her fingertips made her want to strangle him. And kiss him. She gritted her teeth, feeling the static course through her, and glared at the boy.

"I know!" She growled. Luke actually took a step back, as if Thalia could reach through the air and electrocute him.

"I know all about you and Annabeth." Luke frowned at that and looked as if he might say something, but Thalia cut him off. "She's not yours. I don't know what you've done to her to make her.... succumb to your... charm but it's wrong. How could you?"

In that moment, Thalia wasn't sure if she was angry that Luke was with Thalia because it was a betrayal of Percy or because she was jealous that Annabeth was taking all Luke's love. She was meant for Luke. He had been hers. And she his. She let the bitterness course through her, spilling the toxicity through her veins. She saw that he was about to speak again and she cut him off again, choosing the former idea as the basis of her argument. It wasn't that she needed to convince Luke that he was a terrible person -a part of her truly wondered if he could truly be that bad if he had been granted paradise- it was that she needed to turn herself against Luke. Otherwise she knew that, like Percy, she'd let herself fall to death just to join those she loved in the underworld. Percy. Thoughts of her best friend ignited her and her body blazed a metallic silver for a second.

"How could you do that to her? Don't you understand how much she loves Percy? And now you've brainwashed Annabeth... How can you live with yourself?"

Luke was starting to feel irritated; the conversation was not going the way he had planned. He let his anger consume him.

"I don't live with myself." He swallowed, grimacing at the truth of the statement; he spent every day telling himself that he wasn't good enough for paradise. But he couldn't tell Thalia that. He couldn't tell anybody. A dark part of Luke still whispered that nobody truly cared about him and he couldn't bring himself to let his truths be known to the girl he loved.

And so, he adopted a nonchalance and let his words fall, monotone. "I'm dead." He gazed at her, deadpan, and Thalia flinched.

"You know that's not what I meant." The fury simmered in her voice.

Luke continued talking as if she hadn't said a thing. He had the faintest inkling of an idea now. He was a son of Hermes; he could talk his way through anything but this conversation was hard. So very hard. All he wanted was to tell Thalia how much he loved her. But he needed to find out about Percy. And he couldn't very well ask her in her furious state. She'd be suspicious -and stubborn. Luke knew how stubborn Thalia could be -if she knew he wanted something, she would stoutly refuse to divulge anything about the matter. Luke clenched his jaw. He knew what he must do: he had to manipulate Thalia in her angry state, force her to inadvertently reveal the fate of Percy Jackson. Luke needed to know for sure whether or not Percy was dead. As his mind thought furiously, he mulled over the words that would hurt Thalia most. A shiver trawled its way down his spine when he settled upon them. This would hurt. Not just Thalia, but himself too.

"Annabeth loves me." He adopted an airy tone. "Do you remember those drawings she used to do, when we were on the streets together? Those house sketches, meticulously measured to scale?"

Thalia stared vacantly but inside she was seething. Of course she remembered. She used to lie down, her head in Luke's lap, and daydream about living in one of those houses some day. The memory soured in her mind as Luke spoke.

"Well, we live in one of those houses now. And everyday, I wake up to her lemon scent on my pillow, her body wrapped around mine. She doesn't even remember Percy. What does it matter if she's with me if she doesn't even care about Percy anymore?" Luke's acrid tone hurt Thalia.

"You- how could you?!" Thalia swore at Luke, drawing out a string of curses and although the boy maintained his insouciant demeanour, inside, he was crying.

"How could you desecrate his memory?" Luke's eyes teared up at that but he looked away, hoping the girl hadn't noticed. He was so close to the truth about Percy. But he couldn't give himself away. Just a few more choice sentences would tease the truth out of Thalia. Manipulative language that would snake its curling tendrils around her like George or Martha... squeeze the truth from her.

"His memory? What has it to do with me? My godly parent is Hermes not Mnemosyne, or don't you remember anything about me anymore? Anyway it's not my fault if he's drowned in the river Lethe- "

Did he dare? Yes. He had to risk it "-or the River Styx... I mean, he's supposed to be the son of a sea god. Kinda pathetic, if you ask me."

Thalia's eyes blazed gold and lightning radiated off her body. A bolt of pure electricity flew from there fingers and illuminated the entire sea for a moment.

"You fucking betrayer! Percy Jackson is dead. He died because of his sworn promise on the Styx not to come after Annabeth and now you've brainwashed her into-" Luke didn't hear the rest of her sentence. The words seemed to blur into each other, flowing like the River Styx with no clear end or beginning. All that mattered was that Luke's intuition had been correct. Percy was, indeed, dead. And if he wasn't in Elysium, then where was he?

The spray of sap from that willow tree was starting to die down into a weak trickle. He had only a little time left. He interrupted her.

"Thalia. I didn't mean it. Any of it. Maybe I'm living in Elysium, but you'll always be my heaven. I don't have a lot of time left but please know that I love you. Always and forever. And I'm trying to make things right. For everybody." Thalia stared at him, fury still etched across her face. Her eyes narrowed as she tried to discern any trace of turpitude from his words.

Luke continued on. "I want to make everything as it should be. Family, Thalia, remember? Annabeth and I- we'll wait an eternity for you." Luke looked at Thalia hesitantly, hopefully, desperately.

"You don't deserve Elysium." She spat. And the message faded to black. Both of them left staring into darkness.

*

Luke stood there for a moment. Arms hanging limply by his side. It was as if Thalia Grace had plunged a dagger into his heart when she had said those words. You don't deserve Elysium. It had been bad enough having his mind repeat it each and every day. But now that it spoke to him in Thalia's fucking voice, it was unbearable. If he was alive, he might've killed himself just to escape the torment. Luke remained there, staring in space, the dark shadows and deep lines etched beneath his eyes resisting paradise's urge to wash them away.

"You're right, Thalia," he whispered, "I don't deserve Elysium. Not now. But I will work for it. I will deserve paradise and I will, one day, deserve to have you by my side."

*

Thalia regretted the words the second they spilled out of her mouth. She flung her arm out as if she could pull them back out of the air. Return them to where they came from. And never use them again. But it was too late. She saw the hurt splayed across Luke's face. And then he was gone. He was in Elysium. Therefore, he deserved paradise. Or did he? Percy didn't deserve the hell he was being forced to endure.

Thalia was so tired of crying but somehow she couldn't stop. She didn't even know what she was mourning anymore. Annabeth's death? Percy's fate? Luke's pain? Her loss? She screamed at the sky and the clouds darkened immediately, spilling down torrents or rain and striking down at the Earth with flickering tongues of lightning.

And yet, even with the roar of the thunder above her, and the crashing of the waves beside her, she could not escape the thoughts that kept ricocheting in her brain. She opened her mouth and the words took form, quietly dissolving into the thin air.

"Of course I remember. How could I forget? Family, Luke. You promised."

~~~

Frivolous fact time: this chapter is named after a song by Angus & Julia Stone and it's such a gorgeous song - go listen to Silver Coin if you're looking for what my inspiration for this chapter was! I'm starting to compose a cover for it on piano -by ear- but ugh, university's so busy n I have barely anyyyy time!!

Every time I think I'm done, I realise that I have a biomedical physics or chemistry workshop or something to do and grrrrr. All I want to do is write. And draw. And play the piano. And sleep!! 

TANGENT TIME! Skip this if you're bored of me BUT before you leave, don't forget to vote!

Keep reading if you, like me, are procrastinating chemistry homework...

Right. So about sleep. I had The Oddest dream two nights ago. All the gorgeous Victorian townhouses in my street in the city were preparing to survive underwater; for some unfathomable reason, which made complete sense in my dream, the entire street was going to become Atlantis... to escape coronavirus, I think.

In my dream, I remember marvelling at how the Victorian architecture was preserved in the preparation to ~go under. Everything felt pretty surreal, but real in that way that only a dream can feel real.

There were lots of Grecian fountains and shallow pools alongside mosaic pavements,where the nature strip would normally be, and there was this big kinda party thing happening where we were celebrating the launch of the flooding and subterranean move of the street. For some reason, my mind keeps calling it a gala. Which makes sense. It felt very classy and sophisticated.

Anyway, the rest of my dream just trailed away into nothingness and I woke up. Already pieces of it have fallen away, as if into some unreachable crevice of my mind.

But hey, weirddd, huh? I guess physics n self-isolation are just messing w my brain.

Comment your strange dreams here. I love dissecting them!

Oh my gosh, I think I'm gonna write down my dreams here to discuss w you guys?? I kinda want to keep a dream diary but I like to discuss these things.

And I mean, this account IS anonymous -in case you didn't know, Amberly Huntress is NOT my real name... just a pseudonym I think I decided on years ago- so yeah please humour me n my odd dreams.