Holden

I dream about Maya that night. I wake up sweating, remembering she's not mine and I don't know her anymore. It's not fair because I'd finally stopped missing her and dreaming of her, when I was in LA. I was drinking and partying and bringing home girls. I was having a great time, but I also trying to force myself to forget about Maya. I should have known this would happen when I came back.

   Landon is cooking pancakes when I go out to the kitchen. My head hurts. I drank too much and didn't sleep enough. But the breakfast my brother is making smells amazing.

   "I'm still shocked you can cook," I say, walking in. Honey is already at my feet, so I reach down and pet her head.

   "I had to learn. You left and mom was working two jobs." He doesn't say this with any mean undertone, but I feel guilty anyway.

   Landon stays at the house with me almost every weekend, and lives in the dorm during the week. We have lunch or dinner on Sundays with mom and Eddie. It's nice to have a routine. It's awesome to know I see my brother every weekend and my mom whenever I want. I work on commissioned pieces or my own work during the day and mostly spend my evenings alone. I don't mind it that way. I got my dog, a month after I got back to Boothbay. I just drove by the shelter and decided to go in and then I brought home Honey the same day. She's a two year old Shepard mix and she's the best.

   A couple hours later, Landon is making plans to see his girlfriend after dinner - before he goes back to his dorm - and I'm waiting for the text about what time to meet at mom's. Honey is laying by my feet, like always. She must know that I'm feeling a bit off today.

   My mind goes back to Maya. Of course. I remember exactly how she fits in my arms and how my heart always beats a bit too fast when I see her. I was thirteen when I knew she was more than my best friend. I didn't ask her on a date until she was fourteen and I was fifteen. We sat on the beach, twenty feet from my house, and had a picnic. That was when I told her I liked her more than a friend and I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She wasn't surprised in the slightest and she told me she wanted that, too. So I kissed her. We dated for over four years. She was the only girl I kissed, touched, or had touch me. Maya was my life. And I let her leave.

   Dinner at 5pm. Eddie's doing steaks. A text from my mom comes in and Honey jumps up at the buzzing sound of my phone.

   Sounds good. See you then, I send back.

   You'll take Landon back to school after?

   Of course.

  Landon, Honey and I pile into my truck around 4:30P.M, after I shower and get dressed. Eddie's house is only ten minutes away, like pretty much everything else. I always bring Honey because she gets lonely, and my mom loves her.

   "This dog thinks she owns this truck," Landon says seriously, pressed up against the window. Honey is a big dog and needs a lot of space.

   "Yeah well, it's her truck too," I laugh.

   "Hold, I was thinking... what is your plan?" my brother asks a few minutes later, looking at me.

   "About what?"

   I turn onto the main road and start driving towards the harbour. My window is down and Honey is now sitting on Landon's lap. He's petting her head. He pretends he doesn't love her, but I know he does.

   "You know what." He won't say her name. I'm glad he doesn't say her name, actually.

   "There's no plan," I tell him, focusing on driving.

    "There should be."

    "Landon, I don't know what you think. I saw her yesterday. She hid from me. It's been four years. Those are the facts," I say, shaking my head again.

   "You could talk to Nella." He shrugs, still petting my dog.

   "But I won't. I've been here almost three months and I haven't talked to Nella. I'm not going to try to push my way into her life, just to try to get to Maya." I mean that. I think I mean that, anyway.

   Landon sighs dramatically. "I think you should at least try. Maybe you needed the time apart and now you can -"

   "Drop it," I snap. "Please."

   "Jesus. Is there something I don't know?" Landon's narrowing his eyes at me now. He's old enough to know everything now, but I do not want him to know. Of course Landon would think that Maya and I should get back together. He thinks she left because she was mad at her dad. We were all mad at her dad.

   There's a lot Landon doesn't know about those weeks following Maya's mom's funeral. He doesn't know that I told Maya she was ruining my mom's life. He doesn't know that Maya got so mad at me that she went to some party and had sex - her first time - with some random guy. And he doesn't know that I found out about it and then had sex with her best friend. We were young and stupid, and hurt. I don't know what Maya told people about why she left. But I know it's my fault.

   "Landon, Just leave it," I warn him. Obviously I'm not ready to talk about Maya.

   "Fine."

I can smell the steaks cooking as soon as I get out of my truck. Eddie's on the back patio, the grill open. Honey follows me outside, after I hug my mom. Landon stays inside to talk about school and his girlfriend. No surprise there.

   "Holden! Good to see you," Eddie says as I step towards him, as if we weren't together the previous day.

   "You too. Did you finish up that order?"

   He nods and flips a steak. "Sure did. Delivered this morning. Oh I owe you $50. Don't let me forget."

   I smile and shake my head. "You don't owe me anything."

   "You worked hard for three hours yesterday. You'll get paid."

   "Fine," I laugh. "Should I set the table?"

   "I'll be in with these in ten minutes," he says.

    Back inside the huge house, I find Landon eating from a bowl of cherries in the kitchen, and mom getting out the plates and utensils.

   "Let me do that," I tell her, taking the stack of plates from her arms.

   She backs off and sighs. It seems like something is bothering her today. She's not as happy go lucky as usual. I set the table and open the bottle of wine she hands me, and then lean onto the counter, waiting. She looks at me. I don't say a word.

   "Holden, I have to talk to you."

   My heart starts beating too fast. This doesn't sound good. "What about?"

   "Let's do it after we eat," she suggests, just as Eddie comes in with the food.

   Landon brings in a big bowl of salad and we sit and dig In. I'm hungry so I eat well but I can't stop wondering what my mom wants to talk about. Is something wrong with her? With Eddie? Does she need to talk to Landon too?

   I see her whisper something to Eddie once we are finished, and he leaves the dining room with Honey following closely. Landon has already left the room, texting Julia. It's just my mom and I now and I'm suddenly terrified. I hate the anticipation of bad news. And this doesn't feel good.

   "Okay?" I start. I can't wait any more.

   "Okay," she copies me. "I ran into Maya today."

   Oh. Well, it's not bad news, per se. But now I know why she was unsure how to tell me this. She doesn't know that I know Maya is back. She thinks she's breaking this news to me, right now.

  I let out a small laugh. It sounds awkward. "I saw her, yesterday."

   She smacks my arm, before I can do anything. "Why wouldn't you have told me?"

   "Mom, I ran into the Art Hub for two minutes, to grab some paint. Turns out she works there," I admit.

   "That doesn't answer why you didn't tell me."

   She's right and she knows it.

   "Well, I was trying to wrap my head around it. Plus, she saw me and then basically hid from me. She went right back to the back of the store."

   I don't like the look on my mom's face now. I know she's about to defend someone, and it's not me. "It's been a long time, Holden. She was likely in shock."

   "Yeah, well so was I."

   She fiddles with her watch and stays quiet for a minute. I'm watching her and wondering what she's thinking. I know she loved those Becker girls like her own. Her best friend - Maya's mom, Louise - meant the world to her. She got sick when we were teenagers. She spent a year in the hospital battling breast cancer. My mom lost her best friend. Now she has the chance to get to know Nella and Maya again. She's not going to give that up.

   "I gave her my phone number," she finally says. I'm not even surprised.

   "Maya? You gave Maya your number?" I ask anyway.

   "Yes."

   "Mom. I don't think-"

   She holds up her hand to stop me. "I just wanted you to know. But I also don't want your opinion. Things fell apart between you and her. I know there's more to the story that no one every told me. But I promised Louise that I'd help those girls, that I'd be there for them. And I failed at that. Miserably."

   "You didn't fail, Mom. Maya ran away," I say quickly. I can't stand that my mom thinks she failed her best friend.

   "I didn't handle any of it very well. But neither did you," she accuses me. Then she pats my hand. "I love you, Holden. So much. But I need you to not mess this up for me."

   So that's that. My mom is going to try to get back into Maya's life and be the second-mom she always thought she should be.  For Louise. And I know what that means for me. I am screwed.