Holden

"Wait. What?"

   There's no way that my mom just said what I think I heard her say.

   It's 7A.M. on Sunday morning and she just called me. For whatever reason, I answer, after about five rings. It could have been an emergency. I'm groggy, and I must have mis-heard her.

   "I just wanted to tell you that I'm going for breakfast this morning, with Maya," she repeats, matter of factly.

   "Mom-"

   "I told you already, Hold. I don't want your opinion about it. But I think you deserve to know. We will be at the Sunshine Grill from 9-11a.m."

   "Mom, I don't need the details," I tell her, then yawn. I'd really like to go back to sleep, actually.

   "I mean, just so you don't show up there." She's completely serious and it makes me almost laugh.

   "I don't leave my house that early on the weekend. Landon will still be asleep at eleven," I tell her, and I'm totally serious, too.

   "Right. Of course. Well, okay. Dinner at five-thirty. Eddie is making lasagna," she tells me, as if the sudden topic change is no big deal.

   "Okay." I say, but I'm still barely awake and trying to wrap my head around my mom and Maya going for breakfast together.

   How the hell did this happen?

Since I'm awake, I get out of bed and go take a shower. I think about Maya, who's probably still asleep. I picture her big eyes and her soft pink lips. God, I need to stop. But there's no use. Every moment since I saw her, I picture her when I close my eyes. And now I'm reminded of her by Mom, who apparently doesn't care what I think. I know my mom deserves to have a relationship with Maya. But I don't know how I'll be able to deal with it.

   Landon wakes up a bit after 10A.M. and I consider telling him about mom and Maya, as they are currently sitting together at the Sunshine Grill. But I bite my tongue and we drink our coffees together in silence. I'll tell him when I have to.

   Then I go to my studio. I stare at the half completed portrait of a engaged couple. Their Maid of Honor ordered it for their wedding gift. I have another two weeks until it needs to be done, but I pull up my inspiration photo and get in the zone. My favourite playlist is on, but I only get a little bit done before I'm not feeling it. Then I turn to the other half-done painting. It's a jungle setting with a huge lion and a monkey in the trees. It lacks detail and I'm not feeling it today, at all.

   But I do grab a new canvas from the top of the pile and rip into it. It's smaller but I'm already ready for it. I shut my eyes and see what I'm going to paint, and then it's flowing out of me.

   "Hold! I'm going to take Honey down to the water-"

   Suddenly Landon is standing in my studio doorway, his jaw on the floor.  He's wearing black sweat pants and a blue hoodie, and Honey is by his legs. Landon can see what I'm working on, and I watch as he shuts his mouth and looks at me.

   "Wow."

   "What?" I ask quickly.

   "That's very obviously Maya, when she was a teenager," he tells me seriously.

   "Landon, get out," I snap. How does he even remember what Maya looked like as a teenager? He was only twelve.

   "I saw the other portrait already, in the hallway. So now, in one week, you've finished two new paintings. Both of Maya. You never do that," he accuses me.

   "Landon. Don't come in the studio," I say, ignoring the rest.

   He laughs and steps back. "I'm not in."

   "Take my damn dog outside, please."

   "Are you embarrassed? You shouldn't be. That is brilliant. The colors are... it's so... it's awesome."

   I burst out laughing because Landon is far from an artist. He's a numbers guy and he likes helping people. He wants to be a social worker and work with kids.

   "I appreciate that, really. But..." I stop because I don't want to admit what I'm about to say. I look back at the painting. "It's like I can't stop myself. The canvases are just waiting to be filled. And even if I try to paint something else, it's just... it's her."

   Landon looks shocked, but then smiles at me. "I'll go take Honey out."

Now, both my mom and my brother know I'm painting a girl that I thought I lost forever. I've never painted her before, which is crazy. I was sure when I was twenty and she pushed me away and then left town, I'd never see her again. I hated myself for a long time, knowing that I'd made her leave the only place she'd ever known. Now, I can't rid her from my mind. The worst part is I that know she's not thinking about me.

   I expect a call from my mom, about how the breakfast went, but it doesn't come. I can't call her and ask; I know that would be desperate. And I want my mom to think that I really don't care. So I'll wait.

   Landon's girlfriend Julia comes over in the afternoon and they take over my living room, while cuddling and watching a TV show. I really don't want to see that, so I put Honey on her leash and take her outside again. She loves being outside, but I don't have a fence, so I can't just open the door and let her go out. I mean, I don't think she'd run away or anything, but I wouldn't risk it.

   I'm down by the water - which is still mostly frozen but starting to thaw - when I see Raymond Becker. He's on his back deck, the BBQ open. I have only seen him a handful of times in the three months I've been back, but this feels weird now, looking over at him.

   This man was like a father figure to me, growing up. My dad died when I was eight. He went to work one day and didn't come home. This man - Maya's dad - helped with the funeral arrangements, because my mom was too distraught. He helped carry my dad's casket at the funeral. At that point, he'd only known my family for a few years. The Becker's bought that house the year after Maya was born. He wasn't best friends with my dad, by any means. The two men were very different. But their wives were best friends, and everyone knew that. As the years went by, Raymond watched me grow up, with his girls, and my little brother. He was always around, besides when he was working. Our families were so close.

   Now I see him, but I can't see past the fact that he really screwed up. I blamed Maya for her anger and for how my mom got depressed after her mom died. But it was mostly this man's fault. He got caught having an affair with his secretary, while his wife was in the hospital, close to death. He was the reason that Maya was so angry, and why Mom was so angry, too. I never should have broken up with Maya. I never should have let her want to go to that damn party. I should have been there for her, even if she tried to push me away.

   It's all crashing down around me, every feeling and thought and every ounce of pain that I felt when she looked at me and told me to leave. My best friend, my Maya. I'd been pushing these memories down further and further for four years. While I was in L.A., I was drinking and sleeping with girls to make myself forget that I was hurting, every day. I almost went too far. I could have ended up in a really bad place. But I made the choice to come back to Boothbay, and now I have to deal with it.

   It's four years later. I just want to move on like everyone else seems to be doing. But I can't do it, not yet, and now I'm stuck with Maya in my head. God, I hope I run into her again.