Maya

Oh my god, what is wrong with me?

   I'm literally on a date - our very first real date - with Marcus and things are going well. It's a bit awkward at first, because usually dates are used to get to know someone. I already know Marcus well enough. I know his body, and his sex noises and how he grins with a dimple when he sees me. So sitting across from him at this restaurant is funny, and weird.

   We order our meals. He's telling me about his day, how he and Philip went to the indoor driving range that afternoon. I tell him about work that day. It's casual and nice. It's pretty much how it should be, but it doesn't feel like we are really connecting. We connect, in his bedroom. But, here, I feel a bit off balance. Maybe it's because I had breakfast that morning with my ex's mom.

   And then I hear someone call out to someone else. It's a restaurant, of course this will happen. But I look over, and it's Tyrese Collins, who I had classes with for four years of high school. He was always around, at school, because he and Holden were friends. He's standing up and calling out to someone - but of course it's not just someone. It's Holden. He's in the lobby about twenty feet away from where I'm sitting, with Marcus. We just started eating but now my stomach tightens and I look at him quickly before looking back at my pasta. Marcus is oblivious. He doesn't know my history. He doesn't know about Holden. He's just sitting there, eating his steak, smiling at me. I glance over again and Tyrese and Holden are talking. I look for too long and catch Holden's eyes contact, so I look away and then, without seeming like I'm freaking out, I tell Marcus I just have to go use the bathroom. He nods and lets me go, and I'm glad he doesn't realize what's happening.

   Now, I'm staring at myself in the mirror, cursing my body and my heart for reacting like this. I knew I'd likely see him again, sometime. But one week later, while I'm on a date with Marcus? Is this some sort of crazy joke? I should have been at my sister's house. If I was, I wouldn't have seen Holden at the restaurant. My heart is beating too fast. Making eye contract with him did something to my body, and I don't like it.

   I have to go back out there, so I cross my fingers that he is gone, so I can try to enjoy the rest of my date.

   "You okay?" Marcus asks as soon as I'm back at the table. "You look pale."

   "I'm okay," I say, sitting down again. "Just... uhh, my stomach is sort of-"

   "Oh, no. Do you want to get out of here?" he wants to know. His food is only half gone. I've barely touched mine.

   I look around quickly and don't see or hear Holden. Tyrese is back the table he was sitting at.

   "No, I'm fine," I tell Marcus, then stab some pasta with my fork and shove it into my mouth.

   "Okay. Good."

   Half an hour later we are done and Marcus pays for dinner, then I follow him out to his car. It's only a bit after 6P.M. and we planned to go down to the harbour to walk around, after dinner. I know Marcus wants this to be a real date. He wants people to see us together. He wants us to be real, official, or whatever. Even though I told him I wasn't ready for that.

   "You're being quiet," Marcus says, his tone soft and warm. Like a cozy sweater. "You okay?"

   I hate being asked if I'm okay. When my mom was sick, everyone asked me that. After she died, it was mostly Nella who asked. In Albany, Lindsay and Tamara would ask it often. If I seemed out of sorts - and I was, often - they'd ask. If I couldn't go out for a drink or go see a movie because Ryland wanted me to stay home, they ask. Now, I didn't want to be asked if I was okay.

   "Yeah," I say easily, nodding. "Tired, I guess."

   We walk down by the docks and along the water, which is slowly thawing now. I'm looking out and sort of in my own world, because I'm rattled. I have been since I saw Holden in the restaurant.

   Didn't I just decide that I wanted to be more than a sex partner to Marcus? It's clear he wants this, too. But even before Holden showed up where we were on our date - it didn't feel like how I thought it would. It had been a long time since I'd been on a date. Of the two years I was with Ryland, the last year was trash. He became so possessive of me that bringing me out in public on a date, or to a party, was too much for him. Thinking about him now made me want to puke.

   "You want me to just take you home?" Marcus asks, and I snap back to reality, where I'm with him, not Ryland. And not Holden.

   "No. Sorry." I say this while looking at him. But then I step closer and put my hand into his. "I'm good."

   "We could go back to my house," he suggests, squeezing my hand a bit. "I mean, if you're not too tired."

   I get it. The date was nice and all but he still just wants us to go back to his house and have sex. That's what couples do, right? I can't even seem to remember what's normal, because I know that the relationship I was in in Albany was far from normal.

   There a moment then that I can't decide if I want to go back to Marcus' house. I know I like being with him. I know it's safe and good. But with all of this other stuff in my head, I'm not sure I'll be in the right mind set tonight. And I don't want to put that on him. I don't want Marcus to know about what I'm thinking, at all.

   "You could come to my place?" I suggest. I say it because he can leave, no matter what happens. If I go to his house and it gets awkward, I don't have a way to get home.

   I hate that I'm thinking about all of this now.

   "Yeah?" He's smiling at me but I just feel like someone punched me in the stomach.

   Don't break his heart. For the love of god, don't do it.

  "Yeah. I have some beers and we can watch that dumb action movie you keep talking about," I tell him, with a smile.

   He grins. "I gave you my Netflix password for that very reason."

   "I know you did," I tell him.

The drive to my apartment is quiet and fast. We rush out of the car and into the building, then into the elevator. He reaches for my hand again so I let him take it, but when we get to my door, I drop his hand and unlock the apartment.

   It's so quiet inside. I slip out of my shoes and walk into the living room, then to the kitchen. Marcus follows, but stays in the living room and turns on the TV. I have a few more things now - Marcus and George have both helped me collect items to make my apartment more homey. An end table. A lamp. A rug for the middle of the hardwood living room floor. It's cozy and I love my apartment.

   I grab two cans of beer from the fridge and go back over to where Marcus is waiting. He's unbuttoned his shirt and he's sitting, one leg crossed over the other. He's a beautiful human. I don't see a broken man when I look at him anymore, and I know that's somewhat because of me. He's put his trust me in, he's given me not only his body, but his heart. And I do want to keep it safe.

   "Here," I say, holding out one of the cans.

   He takes it with a nod and opens it right away. "Got the movie ready."

   "Of course you did," I smile and sit near him, opening my own beer.

   We actually watch about half of the movie. He gets closer to me at some point, after both of the empty beer cans are on the coffee table. I tuck myself into his side, his arm around me. I feel good. We've spent evenings together before where we just watched a movie and didn't mess around. It could be done. But now that I feel his warmth beside me, his strong body waiting to be touched, I know I'll give in.

   When he leans down and kisses my head, I look up at him. I can see it on his face that he's waiting for me to decide. I can shut it down or I can start it up, and the latter sounds better now.
Then he is really kissing me. He's moaning and leaning over me as I adjust so I'm basically laying on the couch. His body is pressed against me and my hands are in his hair and I forget that we were watching a movie. I forget that I was feeling unsure and that I was confused.

   We are still the same, Marcus and I. But tonight we went into public together rather than hiding in his house or mine. We aren't a real couple, we definitely aren't dating or "together" but maybe we are moving in that direction. Or maybe not.

   Marcus mumbles that he loves the way I pulls at his hair when he kisses me. He barely disconnects from me as he tugs off his shirt. I run my fingers down his back and he shivers. I like how he makes me feel. I like that he wants me and that he's sweet and careful and not rough or pushy. 

   But I know there's a problem, because even when we are both naked and Marcus is sliding on a condom, I'm not completely there, with him. And when I squeeze my eyes closed, I see Holden Prescott, staring back at me.