Holden


Landon's at Julia's house for the afternoon and I have to pick him up on my way to Mom's, for dinner. I keep wondering if she'll tell me anything about her breakfast with Maya. I keep thinking that maybe I don't want to know what they talked about. I definitely don't want to know if they talked about me.

   I stare at the two paintings that I've done of Maya. They are now sitting in my living room, leaning against the wall. The first one is of her, how she looks now. It's closer up but doesn't have as many details. I only saw her that day for thirty seconds, but I'll never forget, even if I never see her again. The second one is how I think of her. It's when we were so in love that nothing else mattered.

   I loved her for way more than the four years we dated, but those four years were everything. My mom talked to me about safe sex, and even said she would rather we "be" at our house than trying to hide somewhere to do it. I planned it out in my head so many times, but Maya was set on waiting. We were going to wait until her eighteenth birthday, but a month before that, her mom found out she was sick. That year that her mom was in the hospital, getting intense treatment, my sex life with Maya went on a back burner. Of course it did. I was there for Maya every chance she let me. I cuddled her to sleep and I kissed her tears and I loved her, so hard. But I lost her, that year. Things changed. Her mom died right after her nineteenth birthday, and I still wanted to get Maya back. I held her hand and I kept her close, but she was so far away. I tried so hard but there was nothing I could do.

   Part of me wants to destroy the paintings in front of me. Maybe it will give me some closure. But the other part knows I painted them for a reason. Of course I want Maya back in my life. We are both in Boothbay again, at the same time. Maybe it's meant to be.

   I text Landon to tell him I'm leaving soon and to be ready, a bit after 5P.M. He responds with a thumbs up emoji and then I go get dressed. It's a rainy day so I grab a little towel to bring in the car, so Honey doesn't get the whole thing wet and dirty. Landon will appreciate not getting covered in mud, too. We head out, and I'm a few minutes from Julia's house when my phone buzzes. I check it as I pull up to the house and put the car into park. A missed called from my mom.

   I call her back right away.

   "Hey, Hold. Um, change of plans. The lasagna got messed up... I mean, I accidentally burnt it," my mom says, a bit embarrassed.

   "Why were you in charge of it?" I ask, without thinking.

   She laughs. "Well, Eddie prepared it and put it in the oven, asked me to set the timer. I guess I forgot."

   "He must know you aren't good in the kitchen by now," I say, then let out a laugh myself.

   "He knows. Believe me."

   "Okay, so what's the plan?" I ask, as I look up at Julia's house and see my brother at the door, kissing her.

   "So, I put in a take out order for The Devonte Bar and Grill. A lasagna and some side dishes, and some desserts. It'll be ready in about twenty minutes. Can you grab it on your way over?" she asks, sounding less embarrassed now.

   "I'm just picking up Landon from Julia's now. We will grab the food and then head over," I tell her.

   "Okay, wonderful. Thanks Holden."

   "Of course," I say, then wait to see if she has anything else to say.

   "See you soon."

   Landon pulls the truck door open and climbs in, pushing Honey away as he does up his seat belt. He looks like he's been busy, and I immediately realize I've never actually talked to my brother about sex. He was only eighteen when I left for L.A., which is definitely old enough to have sex, but he was a shy kid. He didn't really have girlfriends in high school, though he was popular and sweet and nice to everyone. Now I look at him and realize he's definitely grown up and he's definitely having sex.

    I put the truck into drive and keep my eyes on the road. 

   "Are you being safe?" I ask suddenly, swallowing hard.

   Landon chokes on his own air and looks out the window. Honey is practically in his lap. "What?"

   "Landon, I won't ask again and I don't need details. But tell me you're being safe."

   He takes in a deep breath. "Of course we are. I'm not an idiot, Holden."

   "Okay, good."

   "Mom gave me the sex talk, by the way, when you were gone. It was awkward, because I wasn't like sixteen or whatever."

    "She just wants you to be healthy and safe," I say, not looking at him.

   "Stop saying safe," Landon warns me.

   "Sorry." I hold back a grin.

   Landon's quiet for a minute but then starts again, and I hold my breath, because I think I know what's coming.

   "You were obviously with a lot of girls when you were in L.A. Were you always safe?"

   Yep, there it is. I was with a lot of girls. And I was tagged a lot, in posts on social media. At parties and events. With girls. Landon would call me and tell me he was seeing all the fun I was having. I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal. I couldn't tell him that I was really just trying to forget about who I really wanted to be with.

   "I was safe," I tell him. "And just because I was with girls in photos, doesn't mean I was with them all."

    Landon grins, petting Honey's head. "But you were, right?"

   "Fuck off," I say, then laugh.

   I am pulling into the restaurant parking lot and notice that Landon looks confused.

   "Oh, forgot to mention... Mom burnt the lasagna for tonight, so she called and asked me to pick up the take-out they ordered," I explain.

   "Oh, that makes sense. Why was Mom in charge of the lasagna?" he asks, then laughs.

   "That's what I asked, too. I'll be right back, mind staying with Honey?"

   Now Landon is scrunching under her chin and her eyes are closing, so I grin and slip out of the truck.

   Inside the restaurant, it smells amazing. I realize I'm really hungry, because I didn't really eat all day. The hostess is busy so I wait, leaning against the little counter in the front area. I glance around a bit, and she comes up to me a few minutes later.

   Her name tag says Jasmine and I realize very quickly that I know her. We went to high school together and she's a cute brunette now. She was a cute brunette then, too, but I didn't really look at other girls in high school.

   "Holden? Wow, you look great!" she says, too loud.

   "Oh, hi, yeah, thanks," I tell her, awkwardly.

   "Weren't you in L.A.?" she asks, looking me up and down.

   Does everyone here know my business?

   "I was. I came back to spend more time with my family," I say simply. "I'm actually just picking up a take out order-"

   I freeze, thankful that I got the words out before this. I'm not looking at Jasmine, I'm looking out across the restaurant. It's pretty dark in there and don't expect to see anyone I know, but there she is. Maya is sitting across from a large, handsome man. He looks older than her, and older than me. My stomach drops. I feel like I can't breathe. Maya is on a date? Or she has a boyfriend, which is something I never considered, not once. All I know is that I need to get out of there.

   "Holden?" Jasmine asks me, looking confused.

   "Yeah? Sorry."

   "What's the name on the order?"

   I think she's asked already and I wasn't listening.

   "Oh, um, Prescott."

   "Okay, I'll go check on it," she says happily, and turns to walk away.

   My eyes go back to Maya. She looks... comfortable. She's not smiling but she's listening to something her date is saying. She has a glass of red wine in her hand. My heart clenches and I just can't stop myself from thinking she's mine. My brain knows she's not. But my heart wants to win this battle.

   "Holden Prescott!" A loud voice yells, a minute later.

   It's Tyrese Collins, a friend from high school that I had kept in touch with, until I moved away. He's six foot five and plays football, and he's loud. Too loud. He's sitting at a table with a girl and another guy, not far from where Maya is sitting. But then he sees me and he's standing, calling my name.

   I'm staring, but I don't know what to do. I raise my hand and wave, but Tyrese is on his way over.

   "Holden, wow, dude! I didn't know you were back in Boothbay!" Why is he so loud?

   I try to keep my eyes on Tyrese but I sneak a glance at Maya... and she's looking over. She's seen me.

   "Yeah, good to see you, bro," I say quickly. "Didn't you go to training camp in Florida?"

   "I did! I'm just on my break, but I go back in May. Man, it's good to see you! How the hell was L.A.?" Tyrese goes on.

   I swallow hard and let myself look over at Maya again. She's looking at her date, but now she looks less comfortable. I keep looking until our eyes meet again.

   Jasmine is suddenly back and holding out my food, in two brown paper bags. I thank her and take it, and then tell Tyrese I have to get going.

   "Yeah, okay, well send me a message on Instagram? We should catch up?" he says, so I quickly nod.

   I want to get out of there, but I also want to look to see if Maya is still looking. Tyrese walks back to his table, so I glance up and look, but now Maya's gone. Her date - that beautiful man - is alone at the table, finishing his drink. He looks content. He looks like he has no idea that I exist.

   So I spin around and get the hell out of there.