Maya

I still haven't told Nella about my breakfast with Annie. It's almost a week later already and I'm still trying to figure how to tell her that Annie wants to have us over for dinner. I know it's more than that - I could tell by what Annie said to me. She feels guilty for what happened after my mom died. She hates that I ran away, because of Holden. But it was my dad's fault, too. It was everything.

   I don't work Friday nights, which I love. Kayleigh took the week off because that tiny baby she's growing has been making her sick as a dog, so I picked up an extra weekday shift that week. By Sunday I'll have worked five days, which is a lot for me. I'm happy to be home and in my pajamas on this Friday evening.

   My phone rings, so I force myself to get up and head to the kitchen where I left it.

   "Hey, Nell," I answer, putting it to my ear.

   "Hey. What are you doing?" she asks right away.

   It's a bit after 7P.M. and I already went for a long walk that day, even passing by our dad's house. Memories flooded my mind and I didn't stop, but it was a baby step.

   "Not much," I tell my sister. "You?"

   "Are you at home?" she wants to know, ignoring the rest.

   "Yeah."

   "Are you alone?"

   "Nella, geez. You sound creepy," I say, then laugh.

   "I just meant... Marcus isn't there?" she asks.

   "No, he's not," I tell her quickly.

   I did not tell Nell about my breakfast with Annie or about seeing Holden at the restaurant, but I did tell her about my date with Marcus. Of course I did. We skipped Sunday dinner. The next day, Nella and Willow took me to the market to get some groceries and while we walked down the isles, Willow in the cart, I told my sister about the date. I told her it was nice, and sweet. I told her he came back to my place afterwards. She asked if we were dating now, or if anything changed, and I had to tell her I still didn't know.

   "Can I come over?" Nella asks, and for a second she sounds upset. Or nervous.

   "Nell, of course. Is there a reason?"

   "I am going to put Willow to bed early. She's teething and today was rough... I just want to hang out with you. George will stay home."

   "Okay," I say quickly. I know that's not the whole truth though.

   I buzz her up less than an hour later. She looks even more pregnant somehow, and she's wearing leggings and an oversized sweater that's open at the front. Her long blond hair is down. It's only been two days since I saw her last.

   "I'm watching The Princess Bride," I tell her, leading her back to my living room.

   "Why am I not surprised?" she says, then laughs and plops down on my sofa. "You watched it like twice a week when we were younger."

   "Mom loved it," I say, then bite my lower lip.

   For some reason, since I've been back, Nella and I haven't really talked about Mom.

   "She did," Nella agrees. "I could probably recite the whole thing in my sleep."

   "I could, for sure," I smile.

   I watch as she rubs her round belly. "Can you believe I'll have two kids in like eight weeks?"

   I swallow hard. "No. I mean, yes, but... it's crazy."

   "Willow's so excited." Nella smiles and looks over at me.

   "She's going to be an awesome big sister," I say easily.

   "Yeah," Nella says, but it almost sounds sad. "I... I have to tell you something."

   "I have to tell you something, too," I admit.

   "Oh. Uh, so... who goes first?" She laughs, but still seems unsure.

   "I think I need to," I say. "Is that okay?"

   "Yeah. Of course," Nella nods.

   "So... I went for breakfast with Annie, last week." I wait for her reaction. She doesn't really give one. "I thought it would be innocent enough. But..." I begin.

   "But what?"

   "It's Annie. She paid for the breakfast and then said she wanted us to go for dinner at her house, sometime. She's engaged, and she lives by the harbour with her fiance," I go on.

   "Us?" Nella says, staring at me.

   "Yeah. You and me. Willow and George, too."

   "What did you tell her?" Nella is curious, I can tell.

   "Well... that's when things got intense. I said I wasn't sure if it was a good idea... and she just... she told me that she feels like she failed Mom, by not watching out for us. Nell, Annie said she promised Mom she would make sure we were okay. But I wasn't okay, not at all."

   "I wasn't either."

   This stings, because during all of that drama with Holden, two weeks after our mom died, I never thought to stop and see if Nella was okay. She always put on a brave face. She was my big sister.

   "I know that, now. I'm sorry."

   Nella shakes her head. "It wasn't Annie's fault things went crazy like they did. She has to know that."

   "I told her that. But anyway, she just said she feels bad for everything and I could tell she was hoping to reconnect with us now."

   Nella sighs, shuts her eyes and then finally looks at me again. "I would actually like that," she says, making me smile. "But what I have to tell you is... it might change things."

   "Oh?"

   "I was at Dad's on Sunday. We canceled dinner after you and Marcus bailed, and then George and Philip went to play pool, Kayleigh was at home not feeling well... anyway, I picked up a pizza and took Willow over to Dad's."

   I wasn't expecting this. "Oh. Okay."

   "He loves her, Maya. And Willow loves that old house. Would you believe there's still Barbies and dolls in our old playroom?"

   "I'd believe it, since they were still there when I left." I nod.

   "Yeah, Dad hasn't really gotten the house cleaned out. Anyway, I was leaving to get Willow home for bed and..."

   I'm watching my sister and her expression changes. She lets her voice trail off because she's nervous to say the next part. I can tell.

   "What?"

   "I was walking towards my car and Willow was a bit behind me, and then suddenly there was this dog. It was pretty big, but friendly, but then... Holden... he was there. It's his dog. He lives in the Prescott's house," my sister finally says.

   I feel like I can't breathe, suddenly. I know Holden is in Boothbay. I've seen him twice, for no more than a minute each time. But I guess I thought there was a still a chance it wasn't real.

   "He lives... next to Dad?" I finally manage to ask.

   "Yeah. With his dog."

   "Fuck."

   She waits. She doesn't push. She doesn't ask questions. I want to hold it together, but suddenly I can't. My big sister is right there beside me and it's okay that I need to freak out.

   "I was on my date, with Marcus, on Sunday," I begin. "It was going well. I mean, it was a date with Marcus. And then suddenly I look up and Holden was there. At the restaurant. I think he was picking up an order? I don't know." I take a breath, finally.

   "You saw him the same day that I talked to him," Nella says, too calmly.

   "Wait. You talked to him?" I ask. She didn't mention that.

   "Briefly."

   "Damnit, Nella."

   She sighs and leans back further into my couch. Her eyes are closed and my stomach growls and suddenly, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

   "I'm going to make some popcorn," I tell her, standing up.

   "Maya, we should-"

   I shoot her and look and she stops talking. While I'm digging in my pantry for the microwave popcorn, she pulls out her phone and looks at it for a few minutes. I look over at her and I just know she's not going to let this go, but I shove the little bag into the microwave anyway. As it's cooking, I lean onto the counter, my heart still beating too fast.

   "How do you feel about re-connecting with Annie? Like, actually having her in our lives again?" Nella asks me a few minute later, when I'm sitting beside her again.

   I don't have to think about this because I already know the answer. "I would like that, too."

   "So, then you're going to have to face Holden."

   I know she's right but I want to argue with her anyway. "I'll be fine."

   Nella sighs, and really looks at me. She looks exhausted, and she's got a serious look on her face that doesn't help that. "I think you and Holden need to talk, though. You won't be able to move on, until you do."

   "I've moved on, Nella. Isn't that obvious?"

   "You moved away." Her words are like knives. "You got yourself into a bad situation and dealt with it for too long, and now you're back here, having sex with Marcus-"

   "Did you come here to tell me all my flaws?" I say, interrupting.

   "I'm just saying... you didn't move on, from Holden. You pushed everything down and tried to forget. If you had moved on, you'd be able to be with Marcus, for real. But you're not letting yourself."

   "Nella, stop trying to be a therapist or something." I shake my head, annoyed. But everything she's saying is true. We both know that.

   "Holden looks like he's doing good. He's grown up. He seems... happy, maybe? But even just talking to him for the first time in so long... it brought back so much memories for me."

   She's talking about good memories. She's thinking about when our mom was alive and everything was good and Holden was my... everything. Seeing Holden reminds me of that, too. But I am also smacked in the face with memories of the shitty thing he did. And moreso, the thing I did. The things I said to him. I was horrible, and seeing him reminds me of that. But Nella's right - I can't live like this. I have to move on, so maybe I do have to talk to Holden.