Maya

We are sitting in my sister's car again, but now we are back at the Ocean Point, in the parking lot. We just spent over an hour at the mall, standing at the Mobile Phone Kiosk with a young guy named Frank. He was helpful and knew what he was doing, but the process too much longer than I'd hoped. In the end, my new phone was in hand - set up with a new SIM card and new number. It didn't feel as good as I thought it would, but I realized quickly that my brain was telling me that just because I got a new phone, doesn't mean Ryland won't find me.

   I'm staring straight ahead, out the front window. Nella's looking at her phone, for the first time in awhile. She makes a noise that is sort of a grunt, then looks over at me.

   "Willow's being difficult for George," she tells me, but is smiling now. "She should be getting in the bath, but she's convincing him to let her play longer."

   I smile, too, because I'm glad for the distraction. It's hard sometimes to remember that my sister is a completely different person now. She's not that twenty year old who yelled at me for being angry with our father. She's not that girl who took on too much, who carried the weight of our family on her shoulders. Now my sister is light and happy and a wife and a mother. All in those four years that I'd stayed away, hoping to somehow become a new person.

   "Thank you, for today," I tell her, really looking at her now.

   "Of course," she says easily. "It wasn't the day I was expecting, when I left early this morning to go to the market. I was just going for eggs, and cheese."

   "I know."

   "I've had every emotion you can imagine today, Maya. But overall I'm really glad you're here," Nella says, then gives her real, true smile.

   "I... I think I am, too," I admit.

   "You think?" She raised an eyebrow at me, her face neutral now.

   "I thought maybe I'd go somewhere else, you know? It wasn't my first reaction to come back to Boothbay. But I kept thinking about you and Willow and how things are different now."

    "They definitely are different. But four years will do that."

   "I'm not different," I tell her, and it feels like defeat. "I wanted to be. But I'm not."

   "I think you are. You went through a lot of shit, and you have to be stronger because of it," she answers.

   "But I'm still angry, Nella. That's the problem. I hated who I was four years ago, because I was so angry. At dad, at this place-"

   "It's okay to be angry, but at some point you have to let it go," she tells me, then shrugs. "Especially since you're planning on staying in Boothbay."

   I know she's right, because Boothbay is a small place. Everyone will know I'm back, soon. People I went to high school with, their parents, anyone I ever dated. I think I struggled so much as a teenager because of those very things. Our mom didn't just get cancer, when I was sixteen. She didn't just end up in the hospital a year later, unable to breathe on her own. She didn't just die, a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday. Everyone knew.

   Both sets of my grandparents still lived in Boothbay. My parents were both born here and met in grade school, went to school together all the way up to high school. They dated in college and got married before either of them graduated. They were young. They had two girls, not even two years apart, very soon after marriage. Dad got a good job after he graduated from law school. The main law office in town had someone recently retire and he filled their place, as if it was meant to be. Mom stayed home and raised us, her little girls who everyone thought were twins. They were happy. We were loved. And everyone knew us.

   "I don't want you to think that I'm your responsibility now, or anything," I say, but it's mainly because I don't want to tell her that I can't let it go.

   "I have enough of that," she laughs, eyes wide, her hand on her belly. "But you can be my sister, and that's all I have ever wanted from you."

   How did she know just what to say? How is she so good and perfect and how has she moved on from what happened to us, but I just can't? I envy her. So much.

   "I hope I still know how," I say, then shrug. "I'll pay you back for the phone. And then hotel. And-"

   "Oh, stop. If I want you to pay me back, I'll tell you." She's so serious for a second that I wonder if she's actually upset. But then her smile is back, just like that.

   "Okay."

   "So, on Wednesday, Marcus and George are going to take you to see two apartments. One is literally around the corner from my house. Can you believe that? The other is actually up closer to Dad's... but it's nice." She's going on as if this is all just normal now.

   I still feel like I just fell out of a tornado.

   "Okay. Um, thank you," I tell her, squeezing my hands together.

   "I just gave George your new number. I will be working, and Willow will be at daycare, but George will pick you up from here," she goes on and I wonder when she and George made these plans.

   "Okay," I say again. "Thank you."

   She nods, and reaches over to squeeze my arm. "You're really staying?" The question comes out a bit squeaky.

   I'm thrown off, because suddenly my big sister seems fragile and uncertain. I realize right then that it would kill her I ran away again.

   "Yes," I say, to convince myself just as much as her.

   She nods again and I can tell she believes me. Then she's hugging me, hard, and doesn't say another word. I glance at her again before getting out of her car. The window is down and I turn back before walking towards the hotel.

   "I missed you, Nella."

   She's teary-eyed again a moment later. "I missed you, too."

   I'm safely locked in my hotel room again a few minutes later, and it feels too quiet. Too alone. It's not even 9P.M. and my eyelids are already starting to close, once I take off my sweater and shoes, and lay down on the bed. It was quite a day, and I am drained.

   I wake up from a nightmare a few hours later, covered with cold sweat. My hair is damp at the roots and I feel sticky and gross, and that's before I remember the nightmare. I was being chased, through a park, during the day. There was people around but no one looked over or cared that I was running, screaming for help. I didn't look back to see who was chasing me but I knew who it was. And then I face down on the cold ground, a strong body holding me too tight. You can't get away from me that easily, Maya. It's Ryland's voice, in my ear. He found me. And he might kill me.

   "No," I say out loud, even though I'm awake now and I know I'm safe in the room, at the Ocean Point.

   Ryland doesn't know where I am. No one does.

   But suddenly I'm off the bed and digging into my bag. I pull out my phone, my old one, and power it up. I don't even know what I'm doing but the screen lights up and all of the texts are there. The guy at the kiosk disabled my location and told me to leave the phone off, to be safe. But I'm not going to listen. I have to know what the texts say. I have to know if he plans to find me, because I will never feel safe otherwise.

   My hand is shaking as I opened the conversation with Ryland.

   For real, Maya, you better call me back.

   I called you ten times today, Maya. I missed work. I am pissed.

   Just tell me where you're staying. Please.

   I talked to Tamara and she says she doesn't know where you are. It's not funny, Maya, come home.

   Fuck, Maya, what are you doing? Text me back.

   And then, the last one, which he sent about an hour before my phone was disabled: Maya, I swear to God I'll find you.

   No. Fuck, no. That doesn't make me feel any better. I am not surprised that some of his texts are "nice". He wasn't always horrible to me. Sometimes he brought home flowers and my favourite chocolate bar. Sometimes he kissed me and made love to me like I was his most precious thing. But those moments were rare, and more often he was drunk. More often he told me to take off my clothes because he needed to get off. More often he treated me like garbage. And I'm glad that I'm gone, far away from him. But I know deep down that it is not the end.

   I don't fall asleep again until 2A.M., and I sleep until the sun is pouring into the hotel window. It's the best sleep I've had in a long time and as my eyes open, I don't immediately worry about where he is or what he'll say. My first thought is not 'will he hurt me today?'. I think about how pretty the beach looks - even covered in ice and snow - and how I can't wait to get down there and put my toes in the water. Yes, it's March. I won't be able to go into the water for at least two months, I know that. But it's something to look forward to. And that's what I need. A reason to be happy. A reason to want to stay in Boothbay, and try to figure out who I am.