Holden

I clip Honey's leash onto her collar and then Maya and I slip on our shoes and go out the back door. Side by side, she and I walk down the grass, towards the water. It's mostly thawed now as the days are warmer and sunnier. I'm bombarded with memories of being out here with her, as kids. We walk past the tree that we used to sit under together, when we were dating, and my heart jumps to my throat. I kissed her for the first time under that tree, and now we are here, together again.

I unclip Honey from the leash and she runs towards the water, splashing and hopping around. Maya laughs and I just shake my head, keeping my eyes on my dog. I want to look at Maya, but I wait. When I give in, I see she's already looking at me.

"What?" I ask her, trying to hold back a smile.

"Nothing," she says quickly.

"Really?"

"You have... a little paint... on your cheek," she tells, and then looks away again.

My hand goes up to my face and try to get it off but, but I don't feel anything. Honestly, I'm always covered in paint. "Where?" I ask her, so I can wipe it.

She smiles and shakes her head, then steps closer to me. We are almost chest to chest and she reaches up and gently touches the spot on my cheek. My body shivers as she pulls her hand away.

"It's dry," she says, looking embarrassed.

"Oh... I'll get it later." My words are stiff, and I'm feeling warm all over from her touch.

But she turns away, stepping back. She felt that, whatever it was, I know she did. And it scares her. How could we still - or again? - have these types of feelings for each other? We've been apart a long time. We hurt each other. But one little touch almost sent me over the edge.

She has barely started walking again when I step forward and reach for her arm. She stops, so I spin her around so she's facing me again, but we are closer this time. I'm looking down at her and she's shaking, avoiding my eyes.

"Maya..." My voice sounds too quiet and scratchy.

She nods but she doesn't speak.

"Hey... look at me?" I say, and it sounds like a question.

She swallows hard and finally looks up at me, our eyes meeting again. Those gorgeous eyes that look the same as when she was seven, and I taught her how to throw a frisbee. The same eyes as when she was fifteen and she told me she wanted to be my girlfriend. The same eyes that looked at me with so much sadness, when she started shutting me out, after her mom died.

"Hold-" She barely manages half of my name.

"Maya, I really want to kiss you," I blurt out, knowing it might scare her off. I don't even care.

"Then do it," she says, not even hesitating a bit.

I kiss her a moment later, and bring my hands up to her face. Her mouth on mine now is so new and different.  I'm kissing her for only a few seconds before she parts her lips and lets my tongue into her mouth. I grunts lowly and pull her body against mine, my thumbs brushing at her cheeks. We are just standing there on the beach in my back yard, kissing each other with all we have.

Suddenly Honey squeezes between our legs and makes her wobble, pulling us apart. Maya laughs, and I groan and then bends down to pet her. She's soaked and happy - her tongue is hanging out of her mouth. She just wants attention. She doesn't know what she interrupted.

Maya avoids looking at me as we turn back and start walking towards my house again. I don't know if that kiss was a good idea, but I know how it felt. It felt amazing. There's no way she doesn't think so, too.

But suddenly Maya stops walking. It's like she's thinking hard, looking out to her right. And then I realize what she's doing. She's looking at her house - the house she grew up in, the house where her dad lives.

"I... I think I'm going to go talk to my dad," she says, and it hits me that whatever moment we had a moment ago is really over.

I'm surprised, and I don't try to hide that, but I nod at Maya anyway. I notice that she looks a bit unsure - about what? Our kiss? - but then she forces a smile at me as I clip Honey's leash back on.

"Okay." I tell her, then add, "thanks for checking in on me today."

She give me a half smile. I just kissed this girl. The girl I've never stopped loving. The girl who should be my wife right now. She let me pull her close and kiss her. And I'm just going to let her go.

But she's not moving. She's scared. Her dad hurt her. He broke her heart, before I did. I haven't spoken a word to him in four years because of what he did, but I still see Maya now, hurt. Nervous. She knows she should go and talk to him, but I'm not sure she's ready.

"Do you want me to go with you?" I ask, basically blurting it out.

She shakes her head, right away. Honey is already running back towards my house.

"I'll be okay," she tells me. "Thanks."

I swallow hard. How do I just let her walk away now when I want to bring her back to my house and kiss her some more? But I can't be selfish now. I have to give her this moment.

"Well.. you can call me later to tell me how it goes?" I ask, but then I realize that she doesn't have a car. "Or... do you need a ride home?"

She steps back and looks at her dad's house again. "No. Nella's coming back."
    She's acting like we didn't kiss at all. Her lips are still red as she bites down on the bottom one now. I need to kiss her again.

"Okay," I say, defeated. "I'm glad you came by."

"I will call you later," she says and then waves.

I watch her until she's up on the porch of her old house, knocking on the door. I can barely see the door open and then I look away. It feels too personal.

Back inside my house, I finally exhale. Did that really just happen? The tension was so thick between us. I saw her notice the tree, our tree, where we kissed for the first time. I saw her staring at me as we walked , like she was trying to figure me out. And then she touched my face, where there's still a splotch of paint. And then I kissed her.

Was it a bad idea? I don't know. I don't know how things will be between us now, but I'm not willing to take it back.

I'm inspired. I've been pretty damn inspired these past few weeks but it's even stronger now. I go back to the studio and finish the painting of Willow and Honey. It's perfect, after I add the pink washed out background. After snapping a picture of it on my phone, I send a text to Nella.

Tell me what you think, Then I attach the photo.

A few minutes later a text comes back in.

Hoooooooly shit Holden. What the heck!! That's amazing. I love it.

I'm smiling and I can't stop, so I tear open another canvas and start my second last exhibit piece. Forty minutes later, I've painted the tree, just twenty feet down from my back door. I added the beach and the water, and that red blanket that I brought for that first picnic with Maya. And I finish it with two teens, but their features aren't clear.

It's early evening when my phone rings. It's my mom, so I answer right away. I used to ignore my phone when it rang, even if it was my mom, but now I generally answer it. Sometimes it's important.

"Hey Mom."

"Hi. Just checking in." She sounds cheerful, and I smile right away.

"I'm good, thanks," I say to her, walking through to my living room.

"Taking it easy?" she wants to know.

"Of course."

"How was your visit?" she asks, and I can hear her voice change.

"Mom. You didn't have to send Maya over here," I tell her.

She sighs. "I wanted to. And she went because she wanted to."

"It was good. I showered her some paintings," I say, and sit down on my sofa.

"Oh, wonderful."

"Just don't interfere in my personal life, okay?" I ask, hoping she'll agree.

Now she laughs. "Maya's your personal life now?"

"Mom..."

"I'm glad you're doing well, Holden. Are you okay to pick up Landon on Friday?"

"Yeah, of course," I agree.

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything." She's more serious now, but I can tell she's happy.

"I will."

After I hang up with her, I suddenly feel exhausted. This day has been crazy and overwhelming. I'm so happy, too, but there's still a lot of uncertainty. For now, I will just let myself be happy. I'll hope that Maya won't shut down on me again, and that she'll let me love her like I've always wanted to.