Maya

On Tuesday morning, I get Nella to drive me back to my apartment. I haven't been there since Sunday morning and it feels empty and a bit scary. But I can't avoid being alone forever. After an hour, it feels good to be home. 

   I'm still scared. A noise in the hallway of the building makes me jump. When my phone buzzes, Nella checking in, my heart is pounding. I was so close to being kidnapped, hurt, or worse, and even though my brain knows he's in jail, I'm still afraid.

   I've thought about Holden about fifty times since I saw him yesterday afternoon. I went to see him at the hospital even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea. My emotions were clouding my judgement. When we were at the coffee shop - before the horrible phone call came - I was so ready to open up to him. I told him that Marcus and I weren't together. At the hospital, I told Holden more about Ryland. I said I wanted to talk about us. But then I shut down again.

   I'm eating lunch when my phone rings. The caller ID says Boothbay PD.

   "Hello?" I answer right away even though this scares me too. I'm holding my breathing, waiting.

   "Hi, is this Maya Becker?" A voice asks. It's a man and he doesn't sound familiar.

   "Yes."

   "Hi Maya, good afternoon. Do you have a few minutes to talk?" he asks.

   "Um, sure."

   "Great. I'm detective Sharp, I was briefed about your incident over the weekend. Officer Samson and I have been on the case. And I wanted to call and let you know some good news."

   "Okay?"

   "Ryland Price had two warrants out for his arrest. Both in New York State, from the last six months. He was in a pretty bad altercation involving weapons last fall and he was somehow able to get away from the scene... and another woman actually had him charged with sexual assault about a month ago."

   My heart flip flops and I feel sudden dread through my body. I hear what he's said, but what do I even say to that? As soon as I left Albany,  he started doing it to someone else.

   "I... I gave my statement already on Sunday. About what he did to me," I tell the detective.

   "Oh, yes, I know. I just wanted to tell you that he's been transferred and being held in the New York system until his trial, which won't be for at least a few months," he goes on.

   I rush of relief hits me. "Oh. Oh, good. Thank you."

   "You helped put him away, and he won't be able to hurt anyone else, Maya. You don't have to worry."

   I am crying suddenly, so I thank the detective again for the call and then drop my phone onto the couch beside me. I cry for awhile, letting it all out. It's over. I'm relieved and happy and exhausted all at once. Finally I will be able to live without worrying about him finding me. It's been a long two months, since I left him.  There were very few days when I didn't worry or fear that he would find me. Only when I had finally started to feel safe was when he showed up. But now it's over.

   I get ready for bed early, and after I'm in my pajamas and curled up on the couch with a blanket, I look at my phone. I've been avoiding texts from Marcus, and he sent another one today. It says that George told him what happened and he just wanted to see how I'm doing. I get it. Of course Marcus cares. But I can't go back to what I was doing with Marcus. So, I continue to ignore him for now. I'll have to face him, but it won't be tonight.

   That's when I notice there's a text from Holden. I saved his number in my phone as H.P. and I don't know when the text came in, but I open it right away.

   Hi. I just wanted to say sorry for yesterday. If anything I said made you uncomfortable, I mean. I just... I'm here if you do want to talk.

   I type a few things but erase it all. My heart says text him. Tell him you want to talk. You want to do more than talk. But my brain says stay away. Give yourself some space. I'm so conflicted.

   An hour later I open my messages again. I read the same message from Holden five more times.  And then I start typing.

   You didn't make me uncomfortable. I got uncomfortable because I've been avoiding letting myself feel things, with you.

   I press send before I can back out, but my heart is pounding.

   Buzz.

   I understand that. I just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was trying to push you to talk if you didn't want to, he sends back right away.

   Me: I still want to talk. At the coffee shop I wanted to talk and again yesterday.

   Holden: Okay. Let me know when and  I'll be available.

   I'm terrified for that conversation. So far we talked about what happened to me in Albany, and that we both regretted a lot of things from our past. No specifics, but we both knew what this meant. We have a lot more to say to each other.

   Okay. Goodnight Holden.

   Goodnight Maya

I wake up to my phone buzzing. At first I think it's just a text, but it keeps vibrating, long enough to annoy me. I pry my eyes open, sleep still wanting to pull me back in. It's barely light outside but I reach over to look at my phone.

   Annie is calling me.

   "Hello?" I answer, trying to sound more awake. I don't think it worked.

   "Hi Maya," Annie says loudly. "I know it's early and I am sorry, but I wanted to call before I head to work."

   "No problem. What's up?" I ask her, then yawn.

   "I was hoping you would be able to stop in and check on Holden today? He's home now but I won't be able to get over there until after 4pm." She says this so casually, like she's sure I'll agree.

   She wants me to go to Holden's house and check in on him. Will he know about this before I show up? I just can't seem to say no to her, so I swallow hard.

   "Yeah. Of course."

   "Great. I appreciated it. He's supposed to be taking it easy but I'm worried he's not," she admits.

   "I'll go over there in a little bit," I tell her, pushing off my blanket.

   She hesitates. "Perfect. Thanks."

   "Is there something else?" I ask, because it sure feels like she has something else to say.

   "Oh. No. It's just.. this is just like déjà vu to me. When you were teens, I'd call Holden's phone but he wouldn't answer, so I'll call you. You would tell me he was fine, or you'd say you would check in on him. for me." This memory that she repeats to me hits me hard.

   "Oh. Right. He hated answering his phone," I say, trying to make this not a big deal.

   "He's still the same," she tells me, then adds a laugh.


I need to shower and have coffee and breakfast, but I put it all off for a few extra minutes. I'm stuck in bed thinking about when Holden and I were teenagers. He looked at me like I made the sun rise. He kissed me at school even though his friends made fun of him. He loved me so deeply that when he fake proposed when I was seventeen, I knew he meant it. He wanted it, if even we had to wait a few years. But then my mom got sick, a few months later, and nothing was the same for us again.

   "Hey," Nella coos, as I slide into the passenger seat of her car, an hour later. "You look nice."

   "Don't say that ." I warn her. I dressed up. I put on a sundress and my nice shoes. I shaved my legs. Why? I couldn't figure it out.

   Willow laughs from the back seat. "Hi Aunty!"

   "Hi baby," I say back, Then look back at my sister.

   "You do look nice. You said you needed a ride. Where to?" she asks.

   I'm nervous to tell her. I haven't seen her since yesterday but I already called and told her about the what the detective it said. I've kept this stuff with Holden from her. For some reason, I can't admit that I am feeling things that I never expected to feel.

   "Holden's," I mutter, looking out the side window.

   "Ohh. Okay. Why?"

   "Annie called me and asked me to go check on him."

   "I checked on him yesterday," Nella admits. "I was at dad's."

  "You checked on Holden?" This surprises me.

   She nods. "He seemed fine."

   "Well... I agreed to go over there."

   "Because Annie asked you to?"

   "Yes."

   My sister rolls her eyes. "I have a theory."

   "About what?" I ask, but I'm not sure I want to know.

   "Why you wouldn't fully commit to Marcus. He was good to you, you were... close with him... you got to know each other... but he wanted more and you wouldn't-"

  "Nella, please," I interrupt her.

   "My theory is... you still love Holden," she says anyway.

   Did she talk to Marcus? That was what he had said before he walked away, at the cook out.

   I don't say anything and Nella takes that as an admission of guilt.

   "Oh my god. I thought you would never speak to him again, because of what happened four years ago. I thought it would be hard to even reconnect with Annie because of you two. And now-" Nella is going on and on and she's talking faster and faster.

   "Now nothing," I say quickly.

   "He saved your life. He burst into my house like the Hulk and attacked..." Nella's smiling. 

   I roll my eyes again. "Yeah, well, it doesn't mean... just drop it."

   Nella laughs this high pitched giggle, and then keeps driving, saying nothing else. She doesn't believe a word I say.