Maya

My arm feels so heavy as I raise it to knock on the door of my dad's house. When I left this house over four years ago, I swore I'd never step foot in it again.

   This house was my entire life. Nella and I shared a bedroom upstairs, until she turned fourteen and dad fixed up the basement and built her a bedroom down there. She felt so far away, at first. We were so used to being together. We would sit in the sun room and look at the beach on rainy days. We spent years in that sand, being kids.

   Now just knocking on the front door feels too hard.

   When the door opens and I see him, my father, I suck in a breath. I've avoided him for two months. I only saw him that one time at Nella's house. He got the hint and didn't try to see me again. Nella told him I needed more time. But I never really planned to do this. Today I found some courage. Holden gave it to me, without knowing. Also almost being kidnapped made me realize that there was no use in putting this off anymore.

   "Oh. Hi, Maya." My dad is shocked to see me. Of course.

   "Hi," I spit out. I probably seem angry, but I don't mean to be.

   "Is everything okay?" he wants to know. 

   "Uh, yeah. Yes."  He's just looking at me, waiting.  "I just... I came to say hi. Uh, I came to... talk, I guess."

   "You did?" he asks, then steps back. "Would you like to come inside?"

   I think about it for a second, then nod. "For a minute."

   I step into the house and am overwhelmed instantly. It still smells like my mom's perfume. And her candles. I left the house that night that I found out what he was doing with his secretary. It was just a month before I left Boothbay. I stayed at my best friend's house during that time, and at Holden's sometimes. And then my mom died and my life fell apart.

   "I will be honest Maya, I wasn't expecting this."

   He's wearing jeans a t-shirt with a sports team on the front. His glasses are down his nose a bit and his hair is a long and and sort of shaggy. I keep my distance but follow him to the living room.

   He hasn't changed the house, Really. It's the same furniture. The same wallpaper. The same TV. It's clean, but not spotless.  I sit on the sofa, and shut my eyes.

   "Yeah. I wasn't planning this." I admit. He's watching me, then sits nearby on the chair. "I was at Holden's, and I... I decided it was time."

   He sighs and then nods. "You're friends with Holden, again?"

   Friends. Well, we might have been, before that kiss. But now? I have no idea.

   "Yeah. We've sort of reconnected since I've been back."

   "Maya, it's so good to see you. Nella said you were going to need more time and I get it, I really do. It's just been hard knowing you're in town and I can't even see you."

   "I'm here now," I say. "I just want to be civil, okay? For Nella, and for Willow, and the new baby."

   "For our family," he agrees.

   I nod. "Yeah."

   "I'm so sorry for what I put you through. I can't tell you how much I regret it-"

   "I didn't come for apologies, really. I just... I don't want to hate you anymore," I say, even though it's harsh.

   He nods, taking this in. Did he even know that I hated him for so long? I won't tell him what happened I'm Albany, or even what happened at Nella's, a week ago. He doesn't need to know. But I grew up a lot when I was gone and I had too much other stuff to deal with. Hating him became less of a priority. So now, for our family, I want to move on.

   "Thank you, for coming."

   I look at my hands and then up to meet his eyes. I'm not shaking anymore. I didn't plan this out. But it's happening and I'm doing okay.

   "I don't forgive you for what you did, but I want to move on," I tell him. "We need to."

   "I'm okay with that." He smiles.

   I texted Nella as I was walking over to my dad's house and now she texts me back that she's in the driveway. I look at my phone and read her message, and then take in a deep breath. Now or never.

   "Nella and Willow are here," I say, and his face lights up. "They are picking me up."

   "Great. Let's go outside?" he suggests.

   I stand and follow him back towards the front door. As he pushes it open, Willow is running across the yard and up the stairs towards us.

   "Papa!" she squeals, then lifts up a foot. "Look at my new shoes!"

   "Oh they are so pretty," my dad tells her, picking her up.

   "Aunt Yaya?" she asks me, confused. She doesn't know what I'm doing at her Papa's house.

   "Hey, Will." I smile at her.

   Dad puts her down again and she runs into the house. Nella is making her way over to us and I notice how slow she's moving, her hand on her stomach.

   "Nell, that's baby's coming sooner than you think," Dad says to her.

   She rolls her eyes. "I hope not. I have to work next week."

   "Oh you know babies come when they are ready," he says, and smiles.

   "So... you two?" Nella asks, then grins.

   "I'm very happy that Maya came over to chat," Dad tells her.

   "Me too," Nella agrees.

   Back in her car ten minutes later, after Willow finally came back outside, Nella is staring at me, full of silent questions. She's driving down the back road towards her house, and I'm tingling all over. I'm wired, from all the craziness that happened today.

   "So?"

   "Ummm.. I don't know where to start."

   "What happened with Holden? And how did you end up at dad's?" she wants to know.

   "Right. Uh, I'm not really sure..."

   "Maya!"

   "Okay... Holden and I talked a bit. And then we took his dog out for a walk on the beach and..." I let my voice trail off. I'm not sure how to tell her any of this.

   "And?" She slows down to make a turn and glances at me. "What?"

   "Nella, it's so... we are just..."

   "Maya! Spill it!"

   "We kissed," I whisper.

   "What?!"

   I swallow hard. "We were talking about the past and he showed me these paintings he did of me and he said he feels better when he sees me and..." I'm talking fast and my heart is racing.

   "You kissed him?!" Nella practically yells.

   "We kissed. Each other."

   "And then what?"

   "Nothing. We were walking back to his house when I decided to go to dad's and... oh my god, did I mess up?" It hits me suddenly that leaving right after our kiss might not have been the best thing to do.

   "You left him hanging," she laughs, shaking her head.

   "I'd said I'd call him tonight."

   "You better call him, then." She grins and stops and car, then does a u-turn. "I'm taking you home, right? Sorry, I was automatically driving to my house."

   I shrug. "My apartment is fine. Thanks."

   Before I get out of the car a few minutes later, Nella pats my arm. "Isn't it funny how I said that my theory was you still love Holden?"

   "Just because we kissed doesn't mean we're... I don't know what any of this means," I finally say.

   "I do. Call him." My sister has this I-told-you-so look on her face that I don't know what to do with.

   I blow a kiss to Willow and tell her I'll see her soon and then go up to my apartment.

It's not even dinner time yet but I haven't eaten all day. I make a sandwich and then wash the few dishes in the sink. My apartment is quiet, and I'm stuck listening to the thoughts running through my head. Do I really have feelings for Holden? He wanted to kiss me. We kissed. We both felt that spark, that's obvious. But it could be just nostalgia. It could be nothing.

   I don't want to seem too eager to talk to him, so I wait another hour before I call Holden. The minutes pass so slowly.

   It rings three times. On the fourth ring, I almost hang up. But then he answers.

   "Hey." His voice is so calming.

   "Hi. Is this... a good time?" I ask, and then I realize how silly that sounds.

   "Yeah, of course," he says, then I heard some background noise for a second. "How did it go, talking with your dad?"

   "It went... good, actually. He tried to apologize for everything, but I really just want our family to be okay," I explain, pulling up my blanket around my body.

   I'm curled into the corner of my sofa and have my phone pressed against my ear and shoulder.

   "That's great, Maya," Holden says, but it's so obvious he wants to talk about something else now.

   "Yeah. It was time for me to stop pretending he doesn't exist, especially since we're both in this small town," I go on.

   "I'm proud of you. I mean, I know it was probably hard." I smile to myself but I don't have a chance to say anything, because he goes on, "Maya, tell if if what I did was a mistake."

   I suck in a breath, because I know exactly what he's talking about. That kiss. It doesn't feel like a mistake, but I know that it should.

   "Do you mean when you kissed me?" I ask, and he makes a noise that tells me he agrees. "Well, I kissed you back."

   "Yeah, you did." He sounds proud of this.

   "Look, Holden, it was... amazing... but it brought up a lot of memories," I admit, squeezing my eyes shut. I told him at his house, before the kiss happened, that I didn't want to bring up the past again. But that's exactly what the kiss had done.

   But instead of being offended, he chuckles. "Like when we kissed on the beach, on that red blanket under the tree? Or when we made out in the attic at your dad's house?"

   "We did a lot more than make out up there," I say, without thinking. "But I mean... I keep thinking about how we hurt each other. I don't want to do that again."

   "I'm so sorry, Maya. Honestly, that is the biggest regret of my life. I should have been there for you, and I shouldn't have let you push me away-"

   "I'm the one who fucked up, Holden. I went to that party because I was angry and depressed and I just wanted to let off steam, but what I did was so wrong. Even though it was after our fight, I still loved you so much and I shouldn't have-"

   "It's in the past, right?" he asks. That's what I told him earlier that afternoon.

   I suck in a breath. "Right."

   "Well, I forgave you for that a long time ago," he tells me.

   "Really?" I ask, because I'm not sure how he could have forgiven me for losing my virginity at a party, to someone else.

   "Yeah. I just haven't forgiven myself."

   These words really hit me, because I didn't stop to think, even once, about how he was also holding on to so much, over the last four years. All at once I realize that he and I could have been okay, if I hadn't run away. He couldn't have forgiven me, and I could have spent the last four years loving him, like I was supposed to do.

   "Holden, you aren't the only reason I left. You know that. What happened with us was just the breaking point. But I didn't think I could be in the same town as my dad any more. And..." I tell him.

   "I still blamed myself." He sounds broken, and hurt, and I'm almost in tears because it's all my fault.

   "I'm sorry, Holden," I tell him.

   "Me too." He sighs, and then clears his throat. "I can't believe I didn't get to have you, then. All these years I've been with girls who don't measure up, not even close. God, I loved you so much."

   "Loved?" I ask, before I can stop myself.

   "Maya, you know I still love you. I never stopped. Not for a second."

   My heart shatters, but then is slowly getting put back together at the same time. How is it possible to feel this way? It's like I'm being pulled in both directions simutaniously.

   "So what do we do now? You saved my life and we kissed and now..." I want to know, like he has all the answers.

   He doesn't hesitate. "I just want you. Every part of you. I knew that was what I wanted from the moment I saw you at the Art Hub, that first time. If you want this, I will do anything to make it work."

   I suck in a breath. Kissing Holden was electric. It solidified my feelings for him. Now he's telling me he still loves me and wants us to be together. And, thank God, I don't feel like running away. Holden is my safe place. And I need him now more than ever.

   "Do you mean that?" I ask him, for reassurance.

   "More than anything," he says, and I can tell he's grinning.

   "Okay," I agree, and that one word changes everything.