Holden

The hospital room is cold and sterile and I have too much time to think. They say they have to keep me for two or three days, to keep an eye on infection. I'm on day two and I'm going a bit crazy. Since it's a Monday, my mom's working and Eddie still can't drive. Landon's at school, so I'm on my own.

   Except I can't stop thinking about Maya. She was in shock when she was here last night. I tried to convince her that she's safe and she doesn't have to worry about that asshole anymore. I wanted to tell her that I'd keep her safe. When she reached for my hand, I know she felt it. Our connection. For me, it's been obvious for awhile. But she had a boyfriend. Or I thought she did. I wished that coffee date had ended differently. After she told me that she wasn't dating Marcus. I would have asked to take her back to my house. I would have shown her my studio and brought her into my world. But things didn't go like that because of her crazy ex.

   He almost took her. If I hadn't made it outside right then, he would have gotten away. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten to ever see her again.

   So now I'm here in the hospital room, trying to deal with all of this. All I know for sure is that I want Maya. I need her. I have to protect her.

   "Holden," my nurse, Gabby, pulls aside the curtain, interrupting my thoughts. "You have a visitor."

   It's sometime after lunch. I didn't eat the garbage food they served me but I ate a cup of red Jello. It was delicious. I try sitting up a bit but it hurts, so I stay mostly laying down.

   And there's Maya, suddenly at the foot of my bed.

   "Hey," she says, smiling. "How're your feeling?"

   "You came," I say, because it's all I can manage.

   I can't believe she came.

   "I said I would."

   "Yeah, But..."

   "Holden, I'm the reason you're here. The least I can do is come and see how you are," she says, then steps a little closer.

   "That's why you're here?" I ask.

   She hesitates. There's a flutter in my stomach. Is she feeling the same thing I'm feeling right now?

   "I slept at Nella's last night. I was too scared to be in my apartment by myself," she tells me, not answering the question.

   I hate that she's still afraid. I hate that that asshole made her feel like that for so long.

   "And so she let me take her car to come see you, then I have to go to work," she goes on. She's fiddling with the bottom of her grey t-shirt.

   "That was nice of Nella," I say plainly.

   "She's the best sister. I can't believe I put her and Willow in danger." Maya sits down in the chair beside my bed. I keep my eyes on her. She looks mortified. "I can't believe any of this happened."

   "I know, Maya."

   She sighs, and I can tell she has more to say. "I actually can't believe that I ran away in the first place..."

   "Do you mean..."

   "Yeah. Four years ago. I am realizing how badly I messed up. I lost so much time with Nella and I missed her wedding and Willow as a baby..."

   "You did what you thought you had to do," I tell her.

   I want to touch her. I want her to know that my heart beats for her. I have so much to say now, but I keep it to myself.

   "That's true, I guess." She sighs. "Are you okay?"

   "I'm... good. I mean, I'm glad you're here," I tell her, forcing a smile.

   "You get to go home tomorrow?" she asks me, obviously avoiding talking about the very thing she brought up - her running away, four years ago.

   But I nod anyway. "As long as it looks okay. I sure hope so, cause I need to get back to my paintings."

   "Shit. Holden I'm so sorry this happened," she says again, tears in her eyes.

   "Maya-"

   "No, I'm really sorry. You have shit to do and you're stuck here, fuck, you could have died... because of me." Her eyes are teary and she looks more worried than anything. What is she so worried about?

   "I didn't die. And I'll get my paintings done. I still have a few weeks," I tell her.

   "Until the exhibit?" she wants to know.

   "Yeah. Early June."

   "In New York City?" she asks, and I think she's just trying to avoid talking about anything important.

   "Yeah."

   She nods but doesn't say anything else about that. We are both quiet for a minute. I have so much to say but I don't want to scare her off. Does she even know that I'm feeling this overwhelming urge to touch her?

   "Holden... we should talk. Like, actually talk," she finally says.

   "Aren't we talking?" I ask, then give her a smile.

   "Yes, but... I mean. About what happened four years ago. About what we did-"

   So she's bringing it up again.

   "If you want to talk about it, then let's talk." I push myself up a bit, even though it hurts. I want to be sitting up for this.

    She sighs, covering her face with her hands for a second. "I regret so much."

   "Me too."

   "I was really spiraling and I pushed you away. I didn't even consider that you were   hurting,  too -"

   "Maya. Your mom died. Nothing you did made it okay for me to... do what I did. I'm so sorry," I tell her. I've wanted to tell her that for a very long time.

   She hears me but won't look at me. I know I hurt her by having sex with her best friend. I know that when she called and asked me to meet her, the next day, she was in so much pain. I should have done more to keep her in Boothbay, but we were both in bad places. I thought letting her go was doing the right thing.

   "Never mind. I don't want to get into it right now." She's shaking her head and looking away from me.

   I'm confused, but I nod. "Okay."

   "I should get to work. Um, I'm really glad your okay." She's flustered, and now she's trying to get out of here.

   "Maya," I breath out, because I know what she's doing. She shutting me out. She's scared. She always runs when she's scared.  I'm scared too, but I still stretch out my arm towards her. I see her look at my hand. Too many seconds pass. "I'm here," I tell her.

   Her hands fits into mine perfectly. So damn perfectly, like when we were seventeen and eighteen and so madly in love. Like when I held her close to my body the night she found out her mom was sick. Like when I spent four years being truly, madly in love with her.

   "Holden," she whispers.

   I wait. Her eyes are locked in mine, finally.

   But I don't know what she is about to say. I want her to say that she's willing to try, with me. I want her to whisper that she's mine. But I know better. We aren't there, not yet.

   "I'm going to be late for work," she finishes, as my heart rips in two.

My mom takes the morning off work the next day, so she can pick me up from the hospital and get me settled in at home. I can get around just fine, but apparently I needed an escort home. My stomach will heal. The doctor told me not to be on my feet any more than needed, and to schedule a follow up appointment in four weeks. I don't have other injuries, besides a few bruises where he hit me. It happened two days ago but it feels like much longer.

   "Just try to rest today, okay?" my mom begs, once we are in the house.

   I sit at the kitchen table and watch her water her plants. She scurries around for a few minutes, and then she stops and looks at me. I feel my stomach tighten.

   "What?" I finally ask.

   Her expression softens. "You really still love her don't you?"

   There's no point in denying this now. My mom knows me well.

   "I didn't... I didn't do this because I love her. I saved her because... I had to."

   "I know Holden. But you do. You love her?" she asks again.

   "Of course I do."

   I see the tears in her eyes right away. "What are you going to do?"

   It's like she thinks I have this all planned out.

   "I don't know. I'm going to start by being her friend. I know she needs that," I admit.

   My mom smiles and then she's hugging me. Even though I'm sitting and she's standing, she doesn't care. She just squeezes me.

   "Rest. Okay?" she finally tells me.

   "I have so much work to do-"

   "Please. Rest. Just today." She's not really asking me, but telling.

   "Okay," I agree.

But I can't rest for the whole day. I get bored. After I feed Honey her dinner, I take her outside. We do our usual walk and end up down a bit further. I'm having some pain in my stomach so it know it's time to go back. On the way, I notice Nella's white car is parked in her dad's driveway.
Back inside, I make a sandwich and then go into the studio. I do another tally and figure out a plan for the last few paintings. I make notes in my notebook and tell myself I'll get started tomorrow.

   I'm in front of the TV, lounging, when there's a knock on my door. It startles Honey and she barks and runs to it, so I get up slowly and make my way over.

   Nella is standing there, smiling, with Willow just behind her.

   "Hi," I say without thinking. She's never come to my house before.

   I haven't seen her since I yelled at her to get out of her house, Sunday night. I haven't talked to her or been able to apologize for the broken vase, that crashed to the ground when I jumped at Ryland. It was two days ago. But suddenly I'm overcome with emotions.

   "Hey, I was just bringing my dad dinner... I thought we'd come see if you were home from the hospital." She's smiling and looking at me carefully, like she's not sure she should be there.

   "Yeah. My mom brought me home this morning," I tell her, looking down at Willow.

   Willow waves at me and then steps forward to pet Honey. She giggles when Honey licks her hand.

   "You're doing okay?" Nella asks. She's concerned.

   "I'm fine. How's Maya?" I ask without thinking.

   Nella's eyebrows furrow a little. "She's okay. She went back to her apartment today."

   "Oh, good."

   "Do you need anything? I could bring you something... tomorrow... if you needed anything," Nella goes on.

   "Oh, um, I don't think so." So she came by to see if I needed her to bring me anything? 

   "Holden, you saved me and Willow, too. When... he was in the house... I was so scared. If you hadn't had been with Maya-" I can tell that Nella is panicked, thinking about this.

   "Good thing I was."

   Nella nods. "I'm really glad you're okay."

   "Thanks."

   Willow pulls on the bottom of my shirt and I smile down at her. "You wanna play tag again?" she asks me.

   "Oh, no, Willow, Holden can't play today," Nella answers quickly.

   "Next time, okay?" I tell her.

   She nods and goes back to petting Honey. And then I get an idea. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and then glance at Nella.

   "Okay if I take a photo of them?" I ask, and  Nella nods. "Also... I'm doing a portrait series for the exhibit..."

   "Exhibit?"

   Maya didn't tell her. Hmm.

   "I am going to have my own exhibit in New York City next month. So, a few of the paintings I'm bringing are going to be this portrait series. Is it alright if I... paint Willow? With Honey?" I ask, crossing my fingers figuratively.

   Nella thinks about it for a minute. "Oh, um, yeah. Of course. That's so cool, Holden. You must be really excited."

   "Yeah. Thanks. I have a few more to get done but I think it's going to be great."

   "Well, as long as I can see it when it's done," Nella smiles. "We should go. Let me know if you do need anything."

   I nod and thank her for stopping by. Willow waves as they walk back across my property and get into Nella's car.