Maya

"Papa!" Willow yells and I'm surprised, even though I shouldn't be. Of course she knows him.

"Hey, Munchkin," he says easily to her, but his eyes are on me.

Did Nella tell him I was in town? He looks shocked to see me, but not as shocked as he should be. How often do Nella and Willow see him? I have so many questions. I didn't want to talk about him when Nella brought it up, but now? I need answers.

"Maya, you look good," he says to me, his tall frame looking down at us both.

I don't want him talking to me, let alone complimenting me, but I'm with Willow, so I have to remain calm. I swallow hard. I grab Willow's hand. I step back, just once. I'm not afraid of him, but he disgusts me. Still, after all these years, I do not feel anything but anger towards him.

"Do you just drop by often?" I ask him.

"Uh, sometimes. I did not know you were here," he admits, looking at Willow again.

He's still got the same dark hard and thick framed glasses, and he has a beard, now. He used to have a moustache. He's wearing a long sleeved shirt and jeans and he just seems like a stranger.

"Here as in Nella's house, or here as in Boothbay?" I ask him, narrowing my eyes.

"Well, I knew you were in Boothbay," he admits, avoiding my eyes.

My sister is a snitch.

"Cool," I say quickly.

"I didn't come here to see you, or to cause drama," he says back, but how do I believe that? How could I ever believe anything he says?

"Okay, so can you go?" I snap, now moving in front of Willow like I have to protect her.

"George said he had an extra package of drywall screws, from a project.  He said I could have them. I'm redoing the basement." My father says this so casually, as if he didn't fuck up my entire world four years ago.

I'm just staring at him in disbelief. "George isn't here."

"Right. I'll come back another time."

I nod and already start shutting the door, but my heart is beating too fast and my stomach hurts. I might throw up. I didn't want to see my father for a very long time, and now he's in front of me, talking about drywall screws. He has the type of relationship with Nella and George that he drops by to borrow things? I feel like Nella should hate him like I do, but I know she doesn't.

"Bye," I say to him, shoving the door closed.

I put Willow to bed after watching an episode of her favorite show, and then I wait for my sister and George to get home. They aren't late, because they just went for dinner and a movie, and as soon as they are in the house, I'm already staring down Nella. George feels the tension and heads towards the kitchen, but Nella looks at me, confused.

"Everything okay?"

"With Willow? Yes, perfect. With me? Not at all," I say, sitting on the sofa.

"What are you talking about?" Nella asks, looking concerned.

"Dad dropped by." The words are hard to get out, but I manage.

"Shit. I didn't think he would, anytime soon," she says slowly.

"Why didn't you tell me that you told him I'm back," I accuse her.

"I was just giving him the heads up, in case you ran into each other," Nella says, but her eyes are still wide.

"Nella." I shake my head, too angry for words.

"Sorry, I... I just thought he should know. You didn't tell me not to tell him," she says and then shrugs.

"I specifically told you I had no interest in seeing him."

"True, but -"

I sigh, because I know I'm not going to win this battle with her. She was never as angry with him as I was. Nella is so sympathetic, it's just her way. It's why she's an amazing mother, and wife and sister, and friend. She somehow understood that our father's way of dealing with our mother dying was seeking out someone else to be with intimately. Nella was upset with me for running away, but she understood why I had to go. She forgives. She moves on. 

"He's our dad, Maya. He's Willow's Papa and... he's here. He lives here, just down the road from your apartment, actually, and you have to deal with that," Nella tells me, now looking more annoyed than anything.

"I don't want to," I snap, then take in a deep breath. 

She hugs me hard, even if she doesn't think I deserve it, but when she pulls away, I see that she has more to say. I'm not sure I'm ready for it. "He will wait forever, for you. I just hope you don't make him wait that long."

I don't say anything, but I have to consider this. I don't know what happened after I left. I didn't stay in contact with anyone. Nella was the one who had to deal with all the backlash. Even when I was still there, she had to suck it up and handle our mom's funeral arrangements, because our father was "too depressed". We had to sit there and watch him cry at said funeral, as if he'd done no wrong. I was too much in shock. The last words I said to him were "I hate you and I never want to see you again". I grabbed some things from his house the evening after the funeral, and "moved in" with my best friend, Erinn. That only lasted four weeks, and then I was gone.

"I am not like you, Nell," I tell my sister, with tears in my eyes. "I can't just forgive him. I can't just forget what he did."

"You don't have to forget, Maya. I haven't. But being able to see him without having a meltdown would be good." She smiles and then squeezes my arm. "It's been a long time. He's done his time for what he did, I promise. He's... not a bad person."

"What do you mean 'he's done his time'?" I ask, surprised I'm even asking about him.

Nella sighs, and I know she's wondering if now is the right time to talk about this. "It got worse, after you left. The hate, towards him. With Annie, and mom's other friends."

For a second I think good, I'm glad it got worse, but then I shut my eyes and all I can think of is how sad he was, when Annie - our mother's best friend - slashed his tires and left a very upsetting voicemail on his phone.  At the time, I believed he deserved every ounce of that hate. But now?

"He started drinking too much, and got really angry and sad. He wouldn't even talk to me for a few months, because he didn't want me to see how he was living. Honestly, he didn't come out of that dark place until I told I was getting married to George. That was about a year after you left," my sisters goes on.

"Nella, why are you telling me this?"

"I just need you to know that it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine for him, for any of us, after you left." She's not trying to make me feel bad, but of course I do.

I shut my eyes and feel instant dread. I didn't think much about how anyone that I left behind was feeling, in the months and years after I ran away. I made myself pretend I was just a girl in a new city. My sister has done all she can to not bring up the past, since I've been back. But I brought this up. I am the one holding the grudge against our father.

"I know that," I say, barely above a whisper.

"Okay, so give dad a bit of slack. He told me recently his biggest regret... besides his secretary... is letting you go. Losing you, as his child," Nella says, too calmly.

I still feel the urge to yell about how he should never have touched that secretary. I want to scream that I only left because I couldn't deal with how I felt about him, and Holden, and everyone who hurt me. But I bite my tongue and just stare at my sister. She's begging me, with her eyes. And all I want now is it make her happy, and for her to be proud of me.

"I will... try," I finally answer.

"That's all I ask," she finishes and hugs me again.

I don't know how I'll try. Maybe I will just tolerate him being around. Or maybe some day I will try to forgive him. But I do know - for Nella - I won't throw around any mean words or shade in his direction. He is Willow's Papa and Willow came into this world long after the drama went down. She's done nothing wrong in her little life and deserves the world. I know that Nella wishes our mom could be here to meet her kids, but our dad is still here. And that means he's still our family.