I don't have a lot memories from when I was younger, I know I was born in Virginia, when I was around three, my me and my (now) dad Moved to Ohio,

they were female at the time. I don't remember a lot again like I said, but I do remember that the house we were getting wasn't finished yet so we bounced around and I don't remember a lot of the apartments, but I do remember one.

It was invested with bugs, roaches to be specific only for a little bit, though then we moved into the house.

when I was around five I met my (now EX-stepmother) stepmother one of the first times I went to her apartment she gave me guitar lessons, by the third or fourth time my (now) dad got me a guitar I still have it. It's an electric guitar. It's orange.

when I was on my sixth birthday Susie celebrated it with us, We made cupcakes, and joked about cake sprinkles being gay, We watched the new at the time Scooby-Doo movie it was animated.

I still remember all the pain she cost me, but I remember the good times too. I remember a poem, It states,

The ax forgets,

But the tree remembers

she is the ax and I am the tree.

She will always forget and I will always remember. I have spent so many years crying in my bedroom because I did a minor thing and Susan belittled and yelled at me for it,

I don't remember having a childhood because half the time I was being treated like an adult and half the time I was a child to did something wrong.

My (now) dad was working all the time because she spent so much. I think I acted out to gain their attention, to show them i was hurting, to communicate what i couldn't, but I also wanted to be with them because they had problems they had health problems and work and debt.

and Susan was strict parent so every time I acted out I got grounded for months or weeks, and I would sit I would try to escape everything, but I couldn't. I was stuck like I was in the closet that was locked and it was dark and I couldn't get out. I had freedom, too much freedom for a child my age, but I also had too little freedom, I felt trapped and free at the same time at this. I don't remember a lot of the insults. I don't remember a lot of punishments. I know she threatened and threatened and threatened not for pain, but for punishment and I felt pain in punishment, I know you're supposed to not have fun during punishment, but you're not supposed to feel trapped almost 100% of the time, you're not supposed to not feel loved you're not supposed to cry every night you're not supposed to be punished so much that you read you read and read until your eyes are so sore and you have bags and you stay up all night. You push your feelings down because you're so young you don't understand, it hurt what she did and eventually I couldn't push it down. I had mental breakdowns, even a painck attack once or twice,

I couldn't stop crying at that point.

I realize my bedroom wasn't safe now, Dad didn't want me to lock doors so the only save Haven was my bathroom.

I read to escape and that's why I'm so advanced in ELA. I didn't have devices. I didn't have things I wanted I was yelled at I was cussed out. My brother wasn't at a good place this time too, he was toxic bullied me, almost all the girls at school were mean, And most friends I made were toxic.

I couldn't catch a break.

Susan made it hard for me to ask for things and I didn't want my dad to ask why I needed therapy.

I'm now going to quote my now dad " I watched her hurt you over and over and I did nothing" that is my note that said to me during the divorce, I thought I was happy now, but I realized I won't be happy until I let all of this out, I'm still new with my therapist and we haven't gotten into topics like this. It's so light and fluffy, I'm going to try to talk to people, but I was conditioned and mentally abused and you can't shake that off.

this is a bit of a summary.

Thank you for reading so far. -Nyx