The birds chirp outside my window and I know I'm safe to open my eyes. How cowardly to be scared of your own mind.

I'm afraid of Eden and what she might do to destroy our home. I fear for the king and queen, and all the stress she has put on them; and not only Eden but just the stress of having to run a kingdom with no help, and I fear even more for Axil who is walking into this thinking he's ready to take the crown, but he and I both know that there never comes a point that you'll truly be ready.

I'm a fraud. I am expected to have everything together, while at the same time being there to crack a joke here, and say a sly remark there. Make people laugh, but don't go too far. Be stress free while taking on everyone else's stress.

What if Zaria was right? What if I threw my life away when I decided to bring my mother back? What if I lost who I was meant to be and I will never be the same? What if at some point I actually start to hate Zaria because she now possesses the only part of me that made me feel needed? Because, if I hate her, I don't really have anyone else.

I know deep down Lucy must hate me. The night of the ball she told me to stay away. Even after everything she had been through, she warned me about the danger that night would bring, and like the coward I am I listened to her... and look what happened. She lost Adam. He was the one person that made her feel happy, the one person that made her feel seen, and now he is buried in a garden of her flowers.

I remember asking what she was going to do. I don't know what exactly I was asking. What are you going to do right now? Scream, cry, break something? It could have meant asking her what she was going to do to cope. It could have meant, what will she do tomorrow when she wakes up praying that this was all just a dream, only to realize it was the most real thing that has ever happened? I don't know exactly the answer I was expecting, but I remember what she said like it happened yesterday.

"He deserves all the beauty in the world. He loved watching the sun rise through the east tower and set sending waves of gold over Senwain. He would watch it until it was dark outside and then he would pick a flower and put it in my hair."

I didn't know how to respond, and that just makes everything even worse, but she buried him in the exact spot that they sat each and every night. I haven't gone to visit it. I haven't been able to face what I had run away from.

As the birds finish their song, the rest of the world starts to come to life. The gentle breeze blows through my window kissing my face. The dew drips lazily off the nearby trees and the squirrels jump around, rustling leaves.

What a simple life it seems to be out there. Secluded from all the hustle and bustle, yet in harmony with every living thing. And though one can dream, one eventually has to wake up.

As I climb out of bed the morning chill hits me and it's refreshing. What to say to Axil? How to bring it up?

This whole Eden thing has really put him on edge and I don't even know how to approach him. Maybe I should have Zaria do it. He might listen to her more over me. And cower again? No, I have to do this on my own.

I keep it simple today. A simple black dress with my hair in a low bun. I don't even want to think of all the tangles hiding in my curls. I'm almost out my bedroom door, and the purple hat Zaria had hand-sewn for me catches my eye.

It hangs on my wall like an ornament. Oh, how I've missed my floating hat. At least having it hanging reminds me of the good old days. I gently take it off the wall holding it between my hands. She did this all by hand, her love showing in every stich. I sigh, putting it back on the hook and walking out.

I close my wooden door and remember what it was like when Zaria's wide eyes first saw my room. I guess it is pretty cool, all things considered. She, on the other hand has barely decorated her room like she's planning on leaving at any moment's notice. But I guess that how she always grew up; ready to flee and never look back. Every change takes time to adjust. That includes you too, I tell myself.

I cross my fingers hoping I can catch Axil at breakfast. I used to always sleep in and miss him because of the insane hour he always wakes up, but with the nightmares, I have changed my habits, the earlier I can get out of bed and the later I shut my eyes the better. As I walk through the halls my boots clack against shiny floor, echoing through the corridor and I hum that familiar lullaby tune from the queen. Somehow that song is the single most significant gift she has ever given us, and it calms the storm inside me.

***

I peek around the bend of the dining hall. Axil sits alone, slumped over the table already dressed and ready to go.

"You know I can see you," he calls out without adverting his gaze. "Subtlety is not your strong suit."

I huff my dress around the corner and take a seat across from him. Stirring his porridge with his spoon, he lazily traces circles around the bowl.

"It wasn't that bad. You could barely see me."

"If I'm blind, possibly."

I can already tell this conversation is going to go swimmingly, so I do what I do best. Create a diversion.

"Porridge?" I ask, scrunching my face up.

He finally looks up at me, squinting his eyes in confusion. "What?"

"You're eating porridge... in the morning... for breakfast?" I say, laying it on a bit thick.

"What is wrong with porridge?" He turns his palms up, his spoon clinking the bowl.

"Nothing, if you're a peasant," I cringe at my own coaxing.

His voice is tired. "What are you playing at Crista? You're not like this."

I gasp, offended. "I am looking out for your wellbeing as future king." I look down at my nails. "Excuse me for thinking that you might be above eating porridge for breakfast this late into your training. Shall I bring out the fancy plates and golden silverware?"

"You should know by now; a king is no different than any one of his subjects. The town's people have an abundance of oats. Shouldn't I be supporting them?"

Gotcha. "You know I'm glad you brought that up, how rude of me," I say, sighing. "And speaking of you being no different, I think you really need to take a break." The humorous tone in my voice is gone and I'm hoping that he'll actually talk with me.

"Did you put on this whole show to lecture me?" His voice is bland and bothered.

"Well... yes-but I'm being serious."

He puts his spoon down and leans back in his chair.

"I know how important this is for you a-and how stressful this must be to take over a kingdom, possibly during a war..." I've never said it out loud before. It's not like we all don't know war is coming, but saying it out loud makes the weight of the situation all the heavier.

"You still need time to be you. I'm starting to lose you." I say, nervously rubbing my fingers together. "We all are," I add in.

He takes some time to himself. I can see the stress on his face, like a zombie has taken over him. He sits motionless, but if I know anything about my cousin, there are a thousand words running through his head.

"I always thought that this was my destiny. This is what I am supposed to be. Lately... I just feel like it's pulling me away from everything. When I was a prince, I was more connected with the kingdom and now... I feel like an imposter. Maybe it's not meant to be."

"Are you kidding me?" I ask, this time actually gasping. "You will make an excellent king. How many times have we made up stories about when you will rule over Lumbridge and we'll have extravagant feasts and we'll sail around the world telling tales of the magic of Lumbridge?"

"Those are all just fairytales, okay? They were childhood dreams that we had and now we're supposed to be living that dream, but it's time to open our eyes. None of that will ever really happen. You must know that, right?"

"You're afraid," I say disregarding his question. "I know what that's like."

I see his eyes wander to the tattoo peeking out of my sleeve. He shakes his head and looks at the ceiling. "Everything was so simple just a couple of months ago."

"That was simple?" I ask. "Axil, you opened yourself up to a stranger, welcomed her into your home. You realized that she had been conning you, and yet you still found a way to forgive her. That was simple?"

"She doesn't talk to me. Not anymore. She's doing all these things on her own because she doesn't think I can balance it anymore. How is that supposed to make me feel when my own girlfriend won't come to me? I don't know how to keep her safe... or anyone for that matter. Because the reality is, I don't know how to save us anymore."

"You don't always have to play hero, you know. You're burning yourself out and you haven't even been coronated yet, what do you think—

"Crista, it's been a nice breakfast with you, but if you'll excuse me, I have business in the Study."

He stands and starts to walk out of the Dining Hall. Putting his hands in his suit pockets, he holds himself stiff.

I sigh. He doesn't even like porridge.