Char: Isn't this a bit dangerous?
King: Char, please. We've in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.
Char: ...
King: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.
Char: ...
King: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves in the way home.

3870 words

-

"So, they said I couldn't remove my thumb. But look at this!" Char then proceeded to do the slicey thumb trick that writer Char can't actually do. "You sliced it off! You sliced off your own thumb!" Koda cried, absolutely mortified. Saph laughed. "You make doing homework actually fun." They said.

"And they say humans can't do magic."

"Char!" King jumped up onto the table. "You've been talking to them all morning! Don't forget about the Char and King Comedy Hour!"

"Please no. Not the comedy hour." Carmen reflected on her horrific memories.

"This week I've been working with props." He put a toilet paper cardboard roll thing on his nose. "Oh dear! I've gotten a tube stuck on my nose! Will I ever eat again?" He shoved a piece of bread onto his face. "Looks like I'm toast!" Cue laughter.

"It just goes on like this for an hour!"

"Hey, you doughboy, quite loafing around!"

"Why don't you bake me?" Cue more laughter before the alarm went off. "School time! See you guys in class!" Char went to go turn off her crystal ball thing.

"Bye!"

"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE THUMB?!"

King made sad face. "Hey, don't worry, we'll finish our comedy hour when I get home." Void gave him a head kiss and headed out the door, saying "Try not to miss me while I'm gone!" Then they shut the door, King jumping down and wagging his tail.

"You really think she's coming back this time?"

"Yes, she'll be back. She always comes back. It's cute you miss her though."

"THE KING OF DEMONS-" He tossed aside his tube and bread. "THE KING OF DEMONS MISSES NOBODY! I wouldn't care if she came through this door right now!" She came through the door right now.

"Hey, you're-"

"YOU'RE BACK!" King climbed atop Char's head like a fucking gargoyle. "I didn't miss you at all."

"Apparently, there's an infestation of pixie's at Hexside, so schools been canceled." Char explained. "That sounds like a crumby situation!" More laughter from the children. Hooty has now spawned. "Hey, guess what's been in my mouth that I'm about to throw up?" Oh, my favorite game! Insert vomiting noises and the judgemental/grossed out staring of Charlatte. "The mail!"

Carmen bent over and picked them up. "Junk, junk, death hex." They murdered their trash can. "Oh! A carnival's in town today!" She held up the flier. "A carnival?" Char took King off her head and held him out in front of her. "You know, I've been so busy with school lately, what do you say we take this comedy hour on tour? It'll be a Char and King day!"

"That's my kind of day!"

Char ran over to Carmen, roping her into a lil' side hug. "Let's all three of us go!"

"An adventure with friends! I'll go pack my stuff!" Hooty slithered off to go pack his stuff.

"Carnivals bring crowds and crowds bring suckers." Carmen knows an opportunity to scam when she sees one. "This could be the perfect chance to try my new get witch quick scheme." She pulled Ollie out of the pot. "I'm in! To the carnival!"

"To the carnival!"

And off to the carnival they went, leaving Hooty alone.

"Good news! I'm bringing my knapsack full of games! Hello?" Hootsifier saw a fly. "Oooh, a fly! TALK TO ME, TALK TO ME!"

-

"Well, here we are, kids. Look at all that fresh meat." Carmen said, as they walked under an arch that said Bonesborough Carnival. "And smell all the fresh meat!" Char proceeded to choke half to death on a fly. "Fun!"

Ollie twisted himself and came to life, about to go fly off before Carmen stopped him. "No games for you, Ollie, we've got scams to run." Insert Ollie's sad hooting.

"Friends, welcome!" Tibbles spawned and everyone rightfully got into panic mode. "I see you got my postcard." Holding up said, postcard Carmen said "Tibbles? You sent this?" She put it from side to side and Tibbles responded with an 'mhm'.

"Aren't you mad at us for destroying your stand?"

"Oh! And destroying his life! That was the best part!"

"No, no, no!" Tibbles waved his hand. "I should thank you. After my stand was destroyed, I re-evaluated my life and found my true calling. I'm now ringmaster of.." He cracked his whip like Gwen Stacy's back. "Tibbles Tent of Tiny Terrors!"

"Aw, it's like a regular circus, but adorably small." Char pressed her face up against the glass and a tiny griffin hissed at her. "You're my friends now." Congrats on Charlie for making friends. "I don't buy it." Carmen said, making Ollie vanish. "What kind of con are you running?"

"No cons here Owl Lady! Only pros! In fact, why don't we toast our newfound friendship with this totally innocent bottle of water?" He pulled out a totally innocent bottle of water which Mama Carmen then snatched up.

"Oh yeah, sure. Why don't I just- nerp!" They threw the bottle and hit a pedestrian in the head, who was somehow okay. "I know poison when I see it! You can't scam a scammer! Now speaking of scams- beat it loser!" She kicked a dude out of his own stand. "Step right up to-" She circled her finger, creating an all new stand with Char as its mascot. "Carmen's Human Horror House! Humans shed their skin and I've got proof!" They pulled out some fishnets.

"You should really put a lock on your closet."

"You know what? Carmen can pick through my socks all she wants. Because today is all about having a great time with my partner in crime!" Void poked King's cheek for some reason. "That's me! I love crime!" What is with the eight year olds in this show and crime? Anyway, the demon-human duo then walked off.

"Have a good time friends! While it lasts." Tibbles, unkindly shut the fuck up.

"Now this is my kind of weird." Char said, as they walked around the carnival. "So, what do you wanna do first? We could brave the molar coaster or eat a mysterious blob!"

"Ooh, what's that?" King ran off towards the prize booth, lifting a bracelet into his hand. "Ah, some kind of deadly string weapon."

"No, silly, that's a friendship bracelet."

"Is that a type of deadly weapon?"

"A weapon of love!" Char put the two hearts together. "It's basically a declaration to the whole world that you're the best of friends!" King was intrigued. "Oh! That's way safer than becoming blood brothers! Lottie, we must have those bracelets!"

"And yoink." The attendee snatched the bracelets. "Sorry, ma'am. If your bone son wants these bracelets, you have to play the games and win the tickets. You know, carnival rules."

"Beat up the man and steal his things for me!" King whined, tugging on Char's leggings. "Or let's just play the games." Char offered. "Oh, okay." And then the two ran off, chanting "Games, games, games, games, games!"

"Friends!" Saph and Koda have entered the scene.

"Char!" The two went in for the hug. "Oh my gosh, I didn't think I'd see carniv-y'all here!" Char did finger guns.

"Boo." Fuck you, Koda, I'm trying my best.

"We got an invitation from Tibbles!" Saph held up the invitation that was addressed to 'you other two'. "We figured it's a trap since we squashed his stand with a walking house." Koda said. "But who cares? This place has a scarris wheel!" Saph squealed.

"It's like a human ferris wheel, but it gives you long lasting nightmares."

"Yes! This mama is ready for trauma!" Char lied like a liar.

King cleared his throat, returning Charlie and the chocolate factory's attention to the mission at hand. "Oh, yeah. We're on a very important quest to win a special prize for King." Char gestured to the tiny dog child. "Oh! We could help with that!" Saph proposed. "Aww, does the little guy wanna win a prize? Uh-does he? Uh-does he?" Koda proceeded to treat King like an actual dog before said dog child smacked his hand away.

"What do you think, King? The more the merrier, right?" Char asked for approval.

"Um, sure. Whatever you want, Char."

"Alright! Approval!" The teens then ran off, leaving the child behind. Insert shenanigans in which they mostly leave King out.

"Curse these stubby legs!" He cried. He sat against a booth, sighing. "Oh my, my, my. You seem troubled." A totally not at all familiar voice said. "Huh? Who said that?" King stood up, looking up at the booth.

"It is I! Obvioso, the all-seeing psychic!" Adegast wizard but if he was a pig appeared. "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" King asked, getting suspect vibes. "It's almost so-"

"Obvious?"

"That's what I was gonna say! Wow you really are psychic!"

"You're right. And Obvioso can see that something is bothering you, little friend." He tricked the child into talking. "You got my number, Obvioso. Today was supposed to be about me and Char, see? But now she's distracted by her cool new school friends." King sighed.

"What if I were to tell you that there was a way to make all those problems disappear?"

"I'd say that sounds illegal. I would also say go on." Carmen has taught him well.

Adegast the pig did a little giggle before grabbing a bottle. "Behold!" He spritzed what was in the bottle at some weird nightmare critter and it poofed. "Holy bones! You poofed it! Call the cops, this guy's crazy!" King shouted. "Hey, the spray is only temporary. I just give my cheeks a tap and then.." Pink nightmare critter returned. "It returns safe and sound."

"Take this." He handed King the bottle. "Enjoy the carnival without the problems. Char, Saph and Koda will be none the wiser."

"Woah! You even know their names! I guess there's no use arguing with a fortune teller. Thanks, Obvioso!" He then walked off, before popping back in and asking if he gets bitches in the future.

"Uh..yes?"

Okay, now he's running off. "Hmm, maybe I should think about this first." King thought aloud, looking down at the spray bottle. "King!" A wild Charmander has appeared. "Sorry we lost you back there, little dude."

"Hey, it's okay." He grabbed Char's hand. "Let's go back to the games and win those bracelets!" Koda grabbed void's other hand. "But we haven't gone on any rides and there's no line for the bumper carcasses!"

"Games!"

"Carcasses!"

"GAMES!"

"CARCASSES!"

"Food!" The demigirl exclaimed. "I'm gonna grab some rotten candy while you guys figure this out. Bye!" They then pieced out. "When Charlie comes back, let's go on the three man cauldron spinner!" Saph proposed. "Or the triple swing!" Koda said. "Oh, and that's close to those photo booths that can fit exactly three people!" Translation: fuck you, King.

"But..today was me and Lottie's day." King said.

"Aw, does the little baby-boo miss his buddy, Char? Uh-does he? Uh-does he?" Koda proceeded to baby the monarch. "The King of Demons misses nobody! I demand you put me down!" But instead his little spritzer fell out and spritzed Saph and Koda and now they're gone.

"Oh no! What have I done?!" King did a panic. "Wow, I guess they really wanted to ride those bumper carcasses." Char has returned with some premium rotten candy. "Actually, Char, there's something I gotta tell you.." King was about to take responsibility for once in his life. "No. There's something I gotta tell you, King." It got all up in his face. "I said I'd help you win those friendship bracelets. So, win them we shall, okay?"

"Uh...Saph and Koda will be okay for a little while, right?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" He grabbed the blonde's hand, laughing nervously. "Now, let's go!"

"Ready or not, here we crumb!"

"Yes! Haha!" Bread puns are the best puns.

"First I'm growing out of my clothes, now I'm shrinking? Dang puberty. You're the craziest coaster of them all." But then Koda's premium panic set in. "Ah! What happened to us? Did I black out on the molar coaster again?"

"Sketchy carnival rides are not to blame this time. King had something in his pouch that made us small." Saph said. "But I just got tall enough for the rides!" Koda whined, falling to the ground in complete and utter devastation. But then the nightmare critter came over. "Koda..."

The duo quickly ran over to a styrofoam cup and used it as a shield but it kinda failed so Saph had to do it for the vine. I mean, use her vines. She ran over and grabbed a piece of rotten candy. "Quick! We have to find Char and get her attention before any more carnival animals hunt us down!" They began jumping around, whistling for something to come. So, a fly came over.

"Eat up, my steed! Lead us to safety!" She commanded it. "It's hairy. Why is it so hairy?" Koda asked, disgusted out of his mind. "Because up close, everything is hairy." The brunette scooped him up before they flew off.

-

We cut back to everyone's favorite tourist trap: Carmen's Human Horror House. "Round as the moon her ears are with mood swings as terrifying as night itself." She got out a fidget spinner. "Now, who wants to touch an outdated human reference?"

"Okay, show's over. This witch doesn't have a license."

"Ah, what are you? The fun police?"

"Yes." He squeezed his little fun police badge. "And you're coming with me."

"Uh, excuse me, sir. I would like to have a word with your staff!" Carmen pulled out her staff, but alas, no Ollie was on top of it. "Ollie? Ollie! Where are you?" Answer: Ollie was playing everyone's favorite game, wack a giraffe.

"Ollie, you're lucky I can't be mad at your adorable antics." And she took off, falling into a rotten candy maker.

"Hey, I caught her!" Rotten Candy Maker #36 rejoiced. Fun Police used magic to get her out, in which we say her hair is all pinkified now. "I hate carnivals." She groaned.

-

Insert King and Char playing games and Saph and Koda stalking them.

"We can't keep doing this." Koda groaned. Noticing a house of mirrors, Saph said "We won't have to for much longer."

-

Back to Mama Carmen. "Just when I thought I couldn't respect the law any less, it surprises me." Squeaky feet were placed atop the table. "So, I hear you're running scams at my carnival. That's my job. And I take my job very seriously." He spun his little bowtie.

"Spare me the yuks. What do you want?"

"Since I'm a forgiving demon, I'll give you two options." Stacheface offered. "I can pass you along to the Emperor's Coven, who'll throw you in the Conformatorium. Or you can scam for me." He gestured to an ugly ass outfit.

-

Here we have carnival prize stand guy counting the tickets.

"Now, King, before you spend your tickets, are you sure you want those bracelets and not this bad boy?" Char picked him up and gestured to some sort of animal skull with glowing red eyes. "I am the King of Night. And every breath you take brings you closer to darkness." Oooh, ominous.

"This guys a riot."

"Yes, Char, I want the bracelets!" King insisted. "It's kind of important to me. Okay?"

"I can be important to you. I have seen the birth and death of countless nations-" Skull guy got hit upside the head and now carnival guy has lost count. Dammit, skull guy. Anyway, a fly dropped rotten candy onto Char's hair. "Ugh, gross. I'm gonna need a mirror. I'll be right back, King."

"Count faster!" The child commanded.

"Oh, there we go." Char found some arrows leading her into a house of mirrors. She walked past a bunch of cool mirrors, one of which we thought were implying she'd get possessed by the collector. I mean, we got one more episode left. Extremely slim chance, but still possible. "You made it." Char read the rotten candy sign. "Aw, what a supportive sign. Wait a sec." She looked up to see two certain witches in the mirror. "Supportive friends!" Void slammed into the mirror.

"Huh?"

Mirror Saph pointed down below and the demigirl looked to see two tiny versions on Saph and Koda.

"Oh my gosh-"

-

"One million. Yep, I just counted to one million. The bracelets are yours." Generic carnival guy handed the bracelets to King.

"Yes! Yes! Now Char and I will share a bond as mighty as these trinkets!" He did an evil little laugh and then found himself in the mirror maze. "Heya, Char. Good news! I got the bracelets!"

"King.."

"Weh?"

Char revealed the tiny Saph and Koda in her hand and King screamed in horror. "You splashed us with something to make us small." Saph stated. "And now I can't go on the big boy rides! You monster!" Koda did an angry point.

"You weren't supposed to shrink, you were supposed to disappear! No, wait-"

"WHAT?!"

"No, no, no! No, Char. I can explain!" He began to give his shitty explanation. "I wanted to win the bracelets and there was this psychic, see?" He pulled out the bottle.

"That must have been what did it. Give me the spray bottle, King." Char turned on big sis mode and walked over to the child.

"No, wait, I gotta explain!"

"There's nothing to explain!"

"I was just trying to-"

"Shrink my friends?!"

"I was just trying to solve my problems!"

Well, now the purple spritzy stuff has gone everywhere and now King and Char are tiny. Good job, child monarch.

"Wait, I can fix it!" King the Builder is here, everyone. "Obvioso showed me how! Behold!" He tapped his cheeks and nothing happened. He tapped more aggressively. Nothing happened. "Why isn't this working!?"

"I'd say it's working quite well."

-

More cheek tapping and more still Hexsquad + King.

"Uh, Char, I think King is broken." Koda wonderfully observed. "Tapping my cheeks is supposed to turn us normal! The psychic told me!" King was doing some premium panic.

"Oh, did he? But what if he lied to you from the start?!" Insert Tibbles putting his hat on. "Lied to you from the start? It's different!"

"You fiend! When Obviosos finds out you stole his mustache- ooooohhhhh-"

"The potion was designed by me. Guess whose cheeks control it?"

"Why are you doing this?" Char asked. "When you destroyed my stand, you destroyed generations of Grimm Hammer history! Now it's time to pay!" He dropped the Char, King, Koda and Saph into a little terrarium thing. "Welcome to...the greatest show on the Boiling Isles!"

Dramatic Hexsquad + King gasping.

"Will these witches and demons survive feeding time? Let's find out!" He rung his little bell and out come the tiny terrors.

"Aw, at least he's still my friend." Char said, about the unicorn.

Said unicorn growled like a generic white boy in a wattpad self-insert story.

"That's how friends react."

"You ruined my livelihood. Now, you'll feed my livelihood." Shit, that's actually a pretty good villain line. Alright, Tibbles, you get this and then nothing else. Cue spotlight. "Place your bets and enjoy the show!"

"Well, if I have to go, at least I'm with my best friends. And King." Koda subtly insulted the child. Alright, now they're running from the unicorn.

Over to Carmen. "Caramel Crab Apples. Get them hot and pinchy."

"Hey, over here!"

"Yeah, yeah. Hold your spider horses."

Hexsquad again. Koda's using an illusion vacuum to scare off the animals and of course it's working because animals are stupid. Meanwhile, Saph is using her vines to bring down the water bottle thing and now the quad is hiding behind it.

"We gotta find a way out of here!" The blonde said as the animals continued ramming into the bottle. King looked around him. Next to Saph, a unicorn was trying to bite her. Next to Koda, a unicorn was trying to bite him and a lion was swiping at Char.

"Ah, King, you idiot. This is all your fault. But I think I know how to fix it." He pulled the bracelets out of his fanny pack and then ran, diverting to the animals' attention.

"King?"

"Saph, Koda, I'm sorry for poofing you!" He ran to the other side of the terrarium. "And, Lottie, I'm sorry for taking you away from your friend. I know you'll eventually go home and now you're spending more time at school. I just want to be around you!" As the animals charged for him, he jumped on top of them and began trying to climb out of the terrarium and now the crowds all upsetti spaghetti.

"No refunds." Tibbles did a Grunkle Stan impression.

"Alright, I only have one shot." King tossed the friendship bracelets and tricked pig boy into tapping his cheeks.

"Hey, hey! No discounts, buddy." Carmen also did a Grunkle Stan impression. "You guys owe me! Theres nothing happening in this show!" Random customer complained. "Not a single one of those dumb kids have gotten hurt yet!" Another random customer complained.

"Dumb kids?" Carmen looked behind her to see said dumb kids. Get ready, gays, she's about to say the thing. "Wait- THOSE ARE MY DUMB KIDS!"

Anyway, said dumb kids are normal sized again. But so are the animals.

"You shrunk the animals too?!"

"It's the Tent of Tiny Terrors! Something needed to be tiny."

Insert more booing and demanding the death of children when someone threw a crab apple into the crowd and blue unicorn ate it and now they're all growling like the male love interest in a smut story and are now going apeshit.

"They foiled my plans! You will pay for this!" He pulled out another spritzy bottle. "This time, I'm gonna personally squash you!" Cue mama Carmen snatching said bottle. "Oh no, Tibbles, that's not how entertainment works. The bad guy always gets his just-desserts." And they poured crab apples on him.

"Oh, no! Not desserts!"

"Hey, girls. This one's on the house."

Tibbles proceeded to get hunted down by carnival animals. As he should.

"Looks like we ruined his life for a second time."

"We're on a roll."

"Koda, Saph, you're okay!" King said.

"All thanks to you, King. Here." Char bent down and showed him the damaged bracelets. "It was all that was left."

"It's...it's okay." King said, holding out two pieces towards Saph and Koda. "Because now there's a piece for everybody. If you'll accept it, that is."

"Thank you, King."

"Yeah, I've always wanted to own a jagged piece of cheap metal."

"That's very sweet." Char lifted him up, smiling. "I'm sorry, Charlie. Demons do crazy things when they've been missing somebody." As a person who gets attached way too easily and may or may not have abandonment issues, writer Char can confirm that she would shrink friends of her friend in order to keep hanging out with said friend. What was I doing? Oh yeah-

"And can I tell you a secret? I've been missing you too!" Void gave the little demon a head kiss. "Hey, we still have a few hours of carnival left. Wanna hit those bumper carcasses?" The little demon asked.

"You bread my mind."

"Haha! Yes! Bread puns! Bread puns forever!"

Char set him down. "You coming, Carmen?"

We cut over to Carmen lying in a pile of cash. AKA girlbossing. "Nah, I think I got everything I wanted." The bleachers fell apart. "Yep. Another great year at the carnival."

-

"Boy, fly, we sure get into some wacky hijinks, don't we? Sure feel sorry for anyone that missed us two rabble-rousers getting into scrapes! Good thing I brought a camera. Yep. Hooty and fly. Together forever. You and me. Every single day-" Hooty ate the fly. "Now I know what friendship tastes like. Yum. Tastes like a bug."