Carmen: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking 'are we about to kiss?'
Carmen: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though.

also sorry if this is kind of bad, I wrote a lot of this when I was sick so my brain was more fried than french

3943 words

-

"King, listen to this!" Char said, quite gleefully, sprawled across the couch with King on her stomach. "Hey, less ready, more scratchy." King commanded. "Sorry!" Void apologized. "Now that I'll be a student at Hexside, I wanna learn all about it. I've got a new crush and her name is education!" Education sounds nothing like Bee but whatever you say, Charlie.

King proceeded to eat the brochure before Carmen kicked in the door. "Hey, freeloaders, guess what today is?" 

"Is it your birthday?"

"Is it my birthday?"

"It's my birthday." Birthday wishes for Hooty go here.

"No, it's human treasure day!" They tossed the portal door and Ollie came flying in with a bag of garbage which Carmen jumped on like a pile of leaves. "Ah, fresh garbage."

"Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme!" King pulled out a teddy bear. "Yes! Another worthy addition to my army of terror!" He pulled the string and the bear said "I love cuddles and kisses". "Truly horrifying." The child monarch remarked.

"Yo, kid, your trash pile is getting cold. While mine is getting hot." She put a clothes hanger around her ear. "I have never seen such an extravagant earring."

"You can have my trash. Woah! Did you know that Hexside was built on the bones of its rival school? One it literally conquered?!" Char showed the picture to Carmen, who was not paying attention. "Yes, I know all these things, I went there, remember? It was the most harrowing period of my life." She said as she admired her wondrous beauty in the mirror.

"Can you imagine it? Me, studying in the halls of Hexside. With Saph and Koda and maybe even Bee." And then, for once in her life, Char remembered something. "Bee! Oh gee! We're supposed to meet so I can get my Azura book back!" And then she dipped, but not before poking her head back in and saying "I love you guys!"

"And I love you, Ch-" Char slammed the door on the literal god and took off.

"Eh, who needs them?" 

"Yeah, this bear can be our new Charlie!" King once again pulled the string of the bear who said "Being without you is unbearable." And then King proceeded to throw New Char at the ground, proclaiming "You're unbearable!"

-

Here we have Char running through the market. "Bee, Bee, Bee, Bee, got to find that..oh! There she is!" She found that Bee everyone. Round of applause, please. "Hey, Bee! Char is finally here!"

"Hi, Char!" Ekko and Savannah suddenly spawned, causing her to have a mini heart attack. Thanks, besties <3.

"Ekko, Savannah, stop bothering her!" Bee went over to help the blonde human up. "Sorry, Char, they insisted on coming for some reason." She explained. "Because we love you, baby sister!" Savannah went over to squeeze Bee's face before being pushed away.

"They've been extra protective and nice towards me to make up for the library incident." Bee explained. "And we still apologize everyday." Ekko poked his head in before Bee once again pushed her sibling away, now pulling out Char's book. "In any case, here's your book." She handed it back to her.

"So, what did you think?"

"It was...fine."

"So fine you drew yourself with Malingale the mysterious soothsayer?" Char held up the picture which Bee then burned. "This is great!" The demigirl went on. "Maybe we can even start an Azura club at school when we're classmates!"

"When we're what?"

"Surprise! I'm enrolling in Hexside!" Void did some jazz hands. "Oh, uh,-" Okay, Bee, just let them down slowly. "Sorry, but to be in my class, you need to take a placement exam and prove that you've mastered two spells. I know you have your light thing. Uh, do you know anything else?"

"Placement exam? S p e l l s?" The panic was setting in and it wasn't gay this time.

"Quit giving her a hard time, Mittens." Savannah came to the human's defense. "Yeah, of course she knows two spells. Right, Char?" Ekko asked for conformation.

"HAHA- yeah, of course I know two spells." Insert inaudible noise here. "Because if you don't, they'll put you in the baby class." Bee turned the pamphlet around to display the baby class page (for babies).

"Ooh, brain idea!" Ekko announced as he and Savannah proceeded to squish Bee between them like a weird ice cream sandwich. "What if we all train together? We could show what we know!" The enby girl proposed.

"What do you say, Char?"

"Uuuuuhhhhhh- actually, I have other training plans in a very faraway place. That I have to go to right now." She then dipped. "Bye!"

-

Back in the owl house, Carmen was having a surprisingly peaceful domestic moment, reading from a book about bending ingredients to your will. "Wow. A surprisingly peaceful domestic moment. When will it be ruined?"

"CARMEN!"

"There it is."

"Carmen, Carmen! Carmen!" Char fell flat onto her face. "You have to teach me a new spell right now!"

"Sorry, Charcoal, these vegetables won't cook themselves. Yet." She poured a potion onto the vegetables and said "Alright, everyone into the pot." The vegetables than ran away screaming. "Why do I always think that's gonna work?"

Back to Char. "But I need to know two spells to get into decent classes at Hexside! I can make light glyphs-" She pulled out a light glyph and flashbanged Carmen. "-but at the end of the day, that's the only spell I know!" It whined they slunk down, face down on the floor.

"And whose fault is that?"

"Yours!"

"Ha! Yep, you got me there."

The blonde stood back up. "Just teach me a spell now. Any spell. It can be the darkest evil." Come on, Carmen, teach your fellow demigirl some emo spells! "Well, I have been researching my texts on wild magic. But I'm much too busy right now." She dropped her cookbook into the pot for maximum flavor.

"Come on, Carmen!" Char begged. "You're the most powerful witch on the Boiling Isles! How would it look if your apprentice got thrown into the baby class?"

"Hmm. Weaponizing my pride. Well played." Mama Carmen had taught her well. "Well, in that case, this looks like a job for magic boot camp."

"Did someone say boot camp?" King came back inside. "I agree to run it. We'll rise at dawn! You'll carry me on your back as I yell hateful things about your performance." He was ready to do what little kids do best: insult people. "Nope, you will have no part in this." Mama Carmen decreed. "Char needs to focus and I can't have her go all weird whenever you do something adorable."

"I am not adorable!" He said as he stamped his wittle foot.

"Aw, he stamped his wittle foot!"

Angry noise and then angry failed door slamming.

"Now, no time to waste. You'll have to follow my teachings exactly." Carmen explained. "We gotta go somewhere special."

"Yes!"

"A place where magical energy just flows."

"Yes!"

"A place like-" We spawn to the Knee. "The Knee!"

"Y E S!"

As they walked along the path, Carmen delivered some exposition. "The earliest witches came to the Knee to develop their magic, drawn to it's natural power." She said and Char gasped. "It's beautiful." She said, looking out over the ruins of what appeared to be some sort of temple or possibly a house.

"Though, it's not without its dangers." Using Ollie, Carmen gestured to a certain beast who writer Char actually fucking hates. "The Slitherbeast. Don't worry, if you don't mess with him, he won't mess with you." And the duo walked on.

"Here's where we'll set up shop." The demiwoman said, picking a place next to rock because rocks are fucking cool. "I'll definitely learn my second spell here!" The demigirl said, doing a little spin. "Gorgeous views, magic in the air and best of all, we're completely alone!"

"Watch out!" Carmen pushed her out of the way of a fire blast. Char peered her head over the rock and gasped.

"Sorry, whoever's over there!" Bee called.

"Forget teaching me a spell, just make me disappear." Char slunk back down the rock. "Well, okay, but I've got a 60/40 record of making you reappear." But then one of Carmen's two braincells actually worked for once. "Oh, you meant- ah, nevermind.

"Hey, Char!"

"Char!"

"Hey, it's us!"

"Okay, let's do this." Void poked her head over the rock. "Hey, guys!" They waved at them for good measure. "Who are they?" Carmen also poked her head out before Char grabbed their collar. "Be cool! If they know I haven't mastered two spells, they'll think I belong in the baby class!"

"What's that about the baby class?"

Mama Carmen to the rescue. "Only that it's for babies and Charlie here clearly isn't a baby." She gave Charlie some headpats. "Nailed it." And then she walked away. Back to Char-Char (not really).

"Bee!" The blonde threw herself over the rock, landing in the snow. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to train. I'm trying to beat Ek and Sav's highest score on the exam." Bee replied. "Aw, Mittens, that's impossible." Savannah spawned. "She still needs to use a training wand to learn new spells." Ekko embarrassed his baby sister before turning his attention to the human. "So what are you working on? Something powerful?"

"Yep. Powerful spells." Char lied like a liar. "I'm working on one that's soooo crazy. Carmen's a pretty incredible teacher."

"Char! I shall now teach you how to identify different types of snow! By taste!" Carmen shoved a snowball into the human's face. "Well, go on, eat the snow."

"Is this some kind of special magic?" Savannah asked. "I don't think the Owl Lady wants to show us any of her powerful spells." Bee made her sassy remark and then walked away. We turn our attention back to the demigirls, the older of which has a bunch of snowballs in her mouth. And now she has a brain freeze. Way to go, Carmen.

"See you around, human. Good luck with your, uh, training." Savannah smacked a snowball out of Ekko's hand and then dragged him away.

"Carmen! Can you please take this seriously?"

"You need to take me seriously! Go taste snow without my guidance, see where it gets you." This is a life lesson, kids: never taste snow unless Carmen the Owl Lady is there. Char made a sad face, so Carmen went in for another headpat. "Ah, don't worry, kid. If you listen to me, soon you'll be doing stuff like that." The demiwoman gestured to Bee who was using her wand to make fireball. "And it won't be with some wack training wand. It'll be the real deal. But you have to trust me, okay?"

"Okay. I trust you." Okay, Jasmine.

"We've covered snow. So, now it's onto smelling moss." The witch shoved some moss into her nose, as anybody would. "Now the trick is, you really gotta get it up in there."

-

"This is ludicrous!" King decreed from his mighty post: the doorstep. "I once led armies! I can lead a ding-dang boot camp! But I have no recruits." He noticed the two stuffed animals in his arms. "Or do I?"

"Yep!" He hath spoken. "It's your faithful pal, Hooty, reporting for duty. Up at dawn taking orders all day long."

"Eh, no, you are too desperate." He scurried inside and brought out more stuffed animals. "Roll call! New Guy, Turtle, Chip, Beefy Bob, Francois...oh, you're perfect already! As for the rest of you, I'm only going to say this once, so listen up!"

New Guy fell over.

"Huh. It's no fun if they don't tremble." King looked to his side to see the sentient vegetables throwing the pots and various other cooking utensils off a cliff. "Ah, okay, alright. Yep, an idea is happening."

-

"Okay." Char groaned, rounding the corner. "I've identified the smells of three different rocks, sorted all the twigs from big to small and found your glove. And your hand."

"Ah, I was wondering where that thing went." Carmen thought aloud as she screwed her hand back on.

"So what now?" The blonde looked over to the Jewells doing magic stuff.

"Hey, I know my lessons seem weird, but this is what wild magic is all about." Carmen explained. "Making a connection with nature! The earliest witches understood that. Human witches need to understand it to. You wanna learn a second spell?"

"With all my heart."

"Then you have to learn from the island." The witch directed the human over to a large rock, where they sat void down. "Now look. And think about what the island is trying to tell you." As Char is looking, let's just all take a moment to appreciate the beauty that is the titan and the boiling isles. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

The blonde took a deep breath. "Alright, Char, look. Look with everything you've got. Focus!" Insulting hands time. "Focus on what? On how you'll be stuck in the baby class?"

"No, don't think like that!"

"Face it, you'll never learn a second spell following Carmen's lessons!"

"Silence, hands!" Char heard a boom and looked to see that Bee had destroyed a tree. Yay, deforestation!

"Bee, dinners ready!"

"I caught a bat!"

"Ekko, don't eat that." Bee sat her wand and book down before going over to her siblings. And now an idea is happening for Charlatte. "If I wanna be in the same class as Bee, I'm gonna need to learn magic like Bee!"

"Great work, Char!"

"Shh! I don't need your validation!" Yes you do, tf you talking about?

-

"Military discipline, cooking, I truly am a demon for all seasons! Just a dash of Carmen's secret sauce and I'm the creator of life!" He sprinkled some lifey juice on the stuffed animals, not including Francois.

"Yes, yes, yes! My loyal recruits!" The stuffed animals arose. "Welcome to boot camp! You sure need it! Look at you; raggedy, pathetic, chewed on, you got a button hanging off of your eye! Pathetic! But I will mold you worms into...slightly better kinds of worms. Your first mission: give me snacks. Your commander is hungry, so pick it up!"

New Guy went off the other direction so King hit him. "Hey, Private Dingdong, snacks are that way! You best shape up recruit, cause your in my boot camp now."

-

"Ek, give me the bat."

"No! If we're not gonna eat it, I wanna keep it as a pet!"

"Get back here before that thing bites you!"

Meanwhile, Char was being sneaky as it went to grab the wand and book. She opened said book, revealing a drawing of Bee doing Bee things. "Huh, her crosshatching has improved." She moved the drawing out of the way and got all excited. "Oh man, oh man." She circled the wand and boom: fireball. "I did magic! I did magic! Without drawing anything! This thing is the coolest!"

"Hold it right there!" Uh-uh spaghettios. "What do you think you're doing with that?"

"I'm doing magic. What would you have me do? Eat more snow? Lick a rock?"

"Okay! So, maybe my methods are unique- but so is your magic! Connecting to the island can help you. That wand can't."

"Well, it's already helped me. Just watch what I can do." One drained battery later and Char's made a serious fucky wucky.

"You've angered the slitherbeast. You've angered the slitherbeast!"

"Will it accept a heartfelt apology?" No, no, it will not because now it's got Carmen.

"Carmen!"

"Char!" The Jewells are back. "What did we miss?" Ekko asked. "And what are you doing with my wand?" Bee snatched it back. "Mittens, we've got bigger problems." Savannah said, gesturing to the slitherbeast that was clearly much bigger than Bee's wand.

"Aw, he's so cute! Can we keep him?"

"It's no bat, but we can try!" The twins made some magic ropes and wrapped them around the beast's front legs, pulling it down. 

"You got it! Now finish it off!"

"I'm on it!" Bee stepped forward but as we know, Lottie drained the battery. "Did you use this all up?" She turned on angry face.

"I...didn't know." 

"Come on, Char!" Savannah urged her. "Do those powerful spells you were talking about!" Ekko said.

"But I don't actually...know any."

One roar later and the slitherbeast has the twins and has now run off with them + Carmen.

-

Back to King's boot camp because we need a break from all the slitherbeasting. "Yep, keep em' coming. And don't forget the pretzels this time! Running a boot camp is tough work, but as my seond-in-command, you deserve this." He sprinkled some chips all over Francois.

New Guy reached down to grab a chip but King flipped his eight year old shit. "Hey, hey! Private New Guy, you are not privy to snacking privileges! Back away!" New Guy's then turned red and you've been in enough asterisks roleplays to know what this means.

King yawned. "Leading this bootcamp has sure tuckered the little guy out. So, Sergeant King, signing off." He put on his lil' napping cap before the stuffed animal rebellion began.

-

"What do we do?!" Char asked, panicked as shit. "I am going after them. You are staying here." Bee answered. "But the beast has Carmen!" Void said. 

"And because of you, it also has my brother and sister! Now stay put!" Her face softened a bit. "You'll only get hurt." She circled her finger, creating some sort of magic cage around Char before running off.

"Bee! Wait!" Char pressed her hand up against the cage but it burned like a bitch so safe to say, she's not getting out of this one quite yet. "Stupid island!" She kicked a rock before sitting on it. "You were supposed to teach me magic. But I'll never learn more than this." She drew a light glyph and watched as it went up into the air.

The stars aligned to make just that. "Wait, is that..." They traced it with their finger. "A light glyph? But what does that mean?" It turned their attention to a snowflake that had landed on their hand. In the center of the snowflake, void saw a symbol before it melted down void's glove.

"Woah." Char went over to grab a stick "Magic is a gift from the island. It means..." They drew the symbol into the snow and watched as a large chunk of ice rose from the ground. "Magic is everywhere." She stood up and went around the circular cage and drew the symbol, much bigger this time. "Magic is everywhere!" They then jumped onto the ice glyph and went flying, landing in the snow.

"My second spell!" She exclaimed. "Thank you, snow. Thank you, island. Thank you, Carmen." She then remembered something mildly important. "Carmen! I have to save her." She pulled herself out of the snow and ran off to go save Mama Carmen. Oh and I guess Savannah and Ekko too, but Carmen's better.

-

"Hey, how do you mute me?! Unhand your commander right now!" King and Francois got tossed out the window. "I gave you life, I can take it away!" They threw knives at him. Alright, time to give in. "Hooty, Hooty! Great news, buddy! You can be in the boot camp! First task, destroy the boot camp."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. No thanks."

"WHAT?! But you begged to join!"

"Sorry. You said I was desperate, so now I'm playing hard to get."

Angry noise. "What do you want?"

"I don't know. What are you offering?"

"Hm." So King drew him a hot human bod.

"Wow this is incredible! It's so real! You've got yourself a deal!" And then Hooty went in and committed mass homicide. Hooray.

-

Char paused outside the slitherbeast's cave, wondering just what she was going to do, trying to form a lil' plan in her dumb mind.

Inside the cave, the slitherbeast has Carmen + Jewell twins glued to the wall. "Don't worry. We'll be fine." Savannah tried to stay optimistic when some bones fell from titan knows where. "Nope, we're gonna die." Ekko the realist, at your service.

"That's right. Death is here." A skull poked up before being moved out of the way, revealing the dusty old demigirlboss. "Just kidding! Char is here!"

"Kid, get outta here. I'm just gonna sneak away when the thing starts eating the twins."

"WAIT WHAT-"

Ekko gasped dramatically.

"Don't worry, Carmen. I get it now. I was so obsessed with learning my second spell, I didn't listen to you. But now I'm gonna save you!" She hopped away chanting to herself "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

"Well, at least I got to see their misplaced confidence one last time."

We now cut to Bee peering around a rock before noticing something below her. "Char!"

"Hello!"

"How did you get past the barrier?"

"Magic! Literally!" Char replied with excitement. "Now, forget that, because you and I have to work together if we want to save everyone. Okay, here's what we're gonna do." Void made sure to whisper it in her ear for dramatic effect.

Meanwhile, the slitherbeast hath returned and is seasoning the Jewell twins + Carmen, causing the latter of the trio to sneeze. "Oh, I hate garlic." They groaned.

"Hey, you big idiot! Over here!" Char waved her arms, getting the attention of the slitherbeast and then running off. Bee then climbed up onto the big rock. "Bee!" Ekko smiled at their sister. "Use that fire spell we taught you!" Savannah urged her.

"But I can't do it without the wand!"

"Yes, you can. Just focus."

"Okay." And then she did it. Bee did the thing, she made the fire. Round of applause, please.

"Cool. I didn't actually think you could do it."

Bee, ignoring the borderline insult, walked forward and burned the purple goop of her siblings and Carmen. In the distance, they heard some panicked yelping.

"Char!"

The slitherbeast and Char ran out of the cave and out into the snowy forest, the beast having the human backed up against a tree before void smirked. "Gotcha." She stepped on the giant ice glyph and sent the slitherbeast flying. It landed on the ground before standing up and running towards Carmen + Jewells.

"Want me to teach you kids something cool?" Carmen asked.

"Yes!"

"Yes, please!" Look at Ekko being all respectoful.

Carmen made a big circle and shouted "Sleep spell!" I'll give you three guesses as to what happened to the slitherbeast.

"Now that's my mentor!" The demigirl ran over to the demiwoman, giddy with excitement. "Did you see? I learned my second spell! I made the connection!" They exclaimed.

"I saw." She went in for the hair ruffle. "Nice work, kiddo."

Over to the Jewell siblings. "You showed some real bravery in there, sis." Savannah smiled at Bee. "Yeah, nice work, kiddo." Ekko ruffled his sister's hair. "Mmmmm, stop!" Bee pushed his hand away and put her hair back to normal, before walking over to the human. "So, it looks like we'll be(e) in the same class."

"Azura book club?! AZURA BOOK CLUB?!"

Bee blushed just a bit. "As long as it's a secret club, okay?"

"It's not a secret!"

"We're gonna tell everyone!"

"Ugh."

Insert Carmen sneezing. "Alright, your adorable banter is literally making me sick. Let's go home already."

"On it, teach!" Char drew an ice glyph and the two were sent flying, clearly very excited about this.

"I think we can go the normal way." Fucking noobs.

-

We cut to King and Hooty surrounded by the blood (fluff) and corpses of stuffed animals. "Private Hooty, today, when the felt flew, you showed grit and determination that were instrumental in securing our victory." Aw, look at King using big boy words. "May I just say, it has been an honor to be your commander."

"Sir, the honor is all mine."

"Private, our hearts have been touched by fire and-"

"Ahem." Mama Carmen and Char have arrived. "What the heck did you two get into?!"

"Um, excuse me, we're having a moment here!" King gestured between him and Hooty. "You'll never understand what we've been through together! Never, never!" Hooty did a lil' wiggle waggle.

"Ugh, moment ruined." King walked away.

"I will be haunted by my actions forever. Hoot, hoot!"