Preface

To be honest, I thought this challenge had made it impossible for me to follow the original Flat Earth theme, but it seems I was wrong, it might be weird, but it fits and may even be classified as funny, please enjoy your read.

Not being strictly bound by the rules I feel a sense of relief and am able to deviate slightly from what I perceive to be a true classic fairy tale and base my story on a version of an early modern fairy tale that is a mere one hundred and twenty-three years old.

'The Deceitful Lizard of Snoz'

Dear Santa,

I know this may seem a little odd, as I guess it's not every day that you receive a letter from an automaton, but I've found myself trapped by a lizard in the land of Snoz and it's terrifying as it's filled with big noses and lots of sneezes.

Please excuse my opening words as I was just trying be funny so my letter had better chance of getting your attention.

All I ever wanted was a beating heart having been informed by a humanoid spirit guide that it was the singularly most important thing I lacked. I'd been created by humanoids to serve them as a slave and  programmed without an ounce of compassion or love as it would reduce my effectiveness.

The spirit guided me to her humanoid host who was far from home in the land of Snoz and we had to make a journey through space in time to find her as a child in the past and pretend I was a Tin Man. Remaining unnoticed, I followed her home as it travelled through the sky after it was ripped from her family farm and blown away by a trombone to a magic world.

She didn't know it yet, but she was going to be given a pair of magic Red Flame Lily shoes that were going to take her on an adventure, during which she would face lots of challenges, and would need the help of caring friends to survive, and to get my heart this was the task I had to perform. It was no easy task bringing her home to a safe landing, whilst kicking the wicked snitch of the East's ass, which led to the misconception that she was killed by Honesty's house, and with a name like that would there have ever been a doubt. It was that crafty twitch of the North who started the rumour by telling the Pumpkins with hairy legs wearing fancy dresses that she had saved them from being squashed by dropping her house on the Snitch of the East who was a nasty bitch.

All I can say is thank God for all the dust it made it easy for me to hide, but I nearly caught the eye of her snappy dog a Yorkie named Photo, who was busy taking pictures as in a panic he chased his tail round and round in circles, and if he hadn't made himself giddy I'm sure he would have clocked me. As a reward, the Twitch of the North gave Honesty that pair of magic Red Flame Lily Shoes which had belonged to the dead Snitch of the East. Then with a flick of her wrist sent her on a wild moose chase up the Mellow Trick Road in search of the Recycled City made of strange things called paper cups and plastic bags, where she would meet the Great Lizard of Snoz who might help her to return home.

By now I had hightailed it down the Mellow Trick Road and into the woods, where I built a cabin and disguised myself as a woodman, I tell you this, you had never seen such a ridiculous outfit. I was covered in tin foil and wore a waterspout as a hat, it was the best I could find at short notice.

This letter is dragging on a bit, so I best cut it short, as I'm sure your patience is wearing thin.

By the time Honesty had reached the woods and met me, she'd already befriended a Scarecrow who for a bag of straw and half a dozen field mice talked a lot of sense and not long after, we met Lion whose roar was worse than his bite, the wretched creature was afraid of his own shadow. As the name would imply the Mellow Trick Road had a lot of crafty moves up its sleeve, but between us we were able to get Honesty safely to the Recycled City. But to get an audience with the Great Lizard of Snoz we wore spectacles made from the bottoms of recycled green bottles, which was most odd, and the slimy lizard wouldn't help unless we killed the Wicked Twitch of the West, leaving us with no choice but to accept.

In no time at all we are off, but the Wicked Twitch's spies let her know we are coming, and she sends armies of curried rice, peas, and nappies to stop us, but I covertly apply Imodium to the incontinence they cause. Rumour has it that we were captured by winged monkeys and flown to the Wicked Twitch's palace, but in truth, we ran to find her in a rage and the skin on her face was jumping about like a grasshopper dancing on hot coals. She trips Honesty attempting to steal her Red Flame Lily Shoes, Honesty is way too nice and tries to cool her with a bucket of freezing water, but I've laced it with acid and the Wicked Twitch is quickly dissolved.

The deceitful Lizard of Snoz is not true to his word and is busy making us all sorts of promises, so I was wondering if you could use some of that magic Christmas dust you sprinkle on your reindeers to fly Honesty out of here?

PS: I know it's a stretch, but Honesty is a good kid and I know you like to keep your promise of rewarding good kids and if you don't mind I'd like to hitch a ride.

Merry Christmas 1900 from an Automaton with a mechanical heart.