flashbacks in italics. (again sorry I rambled a bit in my part) Thanks again to Lia who wrote most of this :) (and put up with me which is no easy task) Alright ... off you go. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was nothing like Scott had imagined.

He took a step inside, his eyes wandering from one side to the other almost like he was trying to discover the secret behind those blank white walls. The sound of his footsteps reverberated in the empty chamber, loud enough to be quite upsetting if compared with the silence that so heavily surrounded him. He didn't know what he was expecting, didn't have a mental picture in his mind, but somehow he knew that it wasn't this.

He swallowed the lump that had started to form in his throat, stopping the analysis of the room long enough to turn on his heels and look back to the tall man that had accompanied him inside. His face was nothing but dull, with dark eyes and almost white hair, and his skin was so pale that it blended easily with the white lab coat he was wearing over the navy blue shirt and pants that hugged his body in an unflattering way. The first time Scott had met him, he hadn't been impressed with him, almost like his boring appearance meant that he had nothing interesting to offer him.

Of course, that turned out to be quite the opposite, and during the months that followed that first encounter the blonde realized that his trust was actually well placed. Roger - that was the name of the man that was about to change his entire life - had proven to be nothing but exceptional, both as a person and as a scientist, and Scott had felt like he was actually making the right choice.

But now there he was, in a room way smaller than he had initially pictured, surrounded by nothing but blank walls, his eyes questioning and, for the first time in months, filled with uncertainty.

The man seemed to sense his uneasiness, his dark eyes lowering to look at the way he was shifting his weight on his feet. He took off his thick glasses, grabbing one end of the lab coat to rub at the lens with the fabric in an attempt to clean a non existent stain - probably a way to buy himself some time to figure out what to say. Scott had noticed that he tended to do it, and he had often wondered if it really was a way to help him focus. He had wanted to ask many times, but really, he had never found the right time - they were always talking and planning more important things.

Scott waited patiently for him to put his glasses back on, trying not to think about the anxiety that was starting to surface in his stomach. When the man seemed to be done with his action, the blonde spoke up, feeling like his tongue was glued to his palate, making it harder to actually form words. "So.. this is it?" He asked, hoping that his voice wasn't showing how doubtful he felt.

"Yes." Roger said, his voice quiet but steady, and it was clear how much confidence there was behind that simple word. He stayed silent for a couple of seconds, his eyes moving from Scott's face to wander around the small room before returning on him, almost like he finally figured out what to say. "You have questions."

There was no point in denying it, and Scott thought that trying would somehow offend the smart man. "I..yes, kind of."

"We went through all the possible doubts you might have. We talked about it over and over for hours." Scott nodded at that, because again, it was nothing but the truth. He knew that Roger wasn't frustrated by his new lack of confidence, but more so was trying to understand what could possibly be wrong. "What are you worried about?"

"I just.." Scott sighed, his hands raising to tangle themselves in his already messy hair, blonde locks sticking everywhere from how many times he had run his fingers in it. "I know we've talked about it a lot..and I know you said others have done it already.. but.."

Roger watched as his blue eyes darted everywhere but him and a slight blush crept up on his cheeks, and finally understood what the main problem was. He laughed then, his head tilting back as the sound left his mouth, echoing through the empty room, and it was so unexpected that Scott's eyes widened in surprise.

"Uhm.. doc, are you okay?" He asked, torn between being scared of the sudden reaction, or ashamed that the man had just laughed at him like he was being absolutely ridiculous.

The scientist took his glasses off once again, dabbing at his eyes with the back of his hand, wiping off the few tears that had escaped him in his sudden explosion of glee. "Oh my dear boy," he said, his voice no longer quiet and boring, but filled with amusement and something else that Scott couldn't quite decipher. "You don't believe it will actually work."

Scott's cheeks went back to their earlier rosy shade. "I- I mean, it's quite hard to believe it.."

"No, no, it's fine," Roger shook his head, his lips curling in a grin, and it was quite marvelous to see the usually stiff man loosen up. "You have no idea how many times I've heard it. It seems impossible, right? To go inside an empty room and find yourself in another universe."

"I'm not sure if I want it to actually work or not." Scott said, his voice quite lower than usual, his eyes darkening as his mind wandered helplessly to memories that he wanted to escape from. "It just seems too easy, you know? I get to close my eyes and leave all of this behind.."

The silence that fell after those words felt so thick that he instantly regretted saying them. He had no intentions of letting his doubts get the best of him, not when he was so close to finally regaining control of his life, to run from the pain that had been filling his days.

"You're still in time to change your mind, Scott." Roger said, and his voice was no longer filled with amusement, seriousness taking over every feature of his old face.

"NO." He almost screamed, shaking his head furiously. "No, I made my decision. I wanna go."

"If you're not sure.."

"I am," Scott interrupted him, his hands closing in fists on his sides, feeling like the more time he spent inside that room without going anywhere, the more his mind had a chance to remind him of what he was doing, of what kind of memories he was ready to abandon. How there was no way of going back - even if he didn't want one. "Besides, I have nothing to lose."

Roger watched him carefully, as always amazed that such a young boy could hold so much sorrow in his eyes and be so willing to leave everything he had behind. He nodded as he realized that Scott had made up his mind, and that there was no point in trying to discuss the argument any further - unless he wanted to cause him more pain. He put one hand on the boy's shoulder, his fingers tightening slightly, trying to infuse him some kind of comfort that Scott didn't know he needed until he got it.

"Goodbye kid. I hope you'll find what you're looking for on the other side."

With that, the scientist turned and left the room, the few footsteps seeming somehow louder and louder as he approached the door that was only a couple of feet away. Scott stood there watching him, knowing that it would take him only one word to stop everything, one word to go back to his normal life. Maybe this wasn't the solution to his problems, after all. Maybe he could learn to cope with everything that was happening, he could cope with grief and he could slowly move on. Maybe he didn't have to leave his world behind.

He stayed silent.

The door closed behind Roger's back and Scott was left apparently alone. He turned, his eyes scanning the room for the umpteenth time before setting on the blank wall in front of him. He couldn't see anything on it, but he was aware that the room wasn't as empty as it looked to him. He knew that even if he couldn't see them, a team of scientists and technicians were watching him, observing every single move he made, scanning his body in every possible way, taking notes of his brain waves, his blood pressure, his temperature. The idea should have made him feel exposed, but it was oddly relaxing to know that there was someone else making sure that he was okay so that he didn't have to worry about it, at least for now.

This was the first step into his new life - letting go. He was going to give himself to these complete strangers that had promised him a change; a whole new universe for him to feel alive once again, to build himself back up. The only thing he had to do was to trust them, have faith that their magic technology wouldn't kill him - or worse, have faith that it would work and then have his hopes crushed.

A static sound interrupted his train of thought and he moved his head around, almost like that way he would be able to understand where it was coming from, before a voice spoke. "Mr Hoying, if you're ready, we can start."

Scott closed his eyes, feeling his heartbeat speed up in his chest, his blood boiling in his veins. This was it. He didn't know what to expect, he didn't know what was going to happen. No one had been able to explain it to him. All he knew is that he was going to stand there, and the next time he would open his eyes, he wouldn't be inside the room anymore.

He wanted for it to work, and yet a small part of him - so small it was easy to ignore most of the time - didn't.

Regardless, he had made his choice a long time ago, way longer than he had known of the program. He had made his choice when he had set eyes on the love of his life for the last time, and he had decided that he didn't want to live in that world anymore - not without him.

~~~

They both knew it was coming. 

Four months worth of knowing, of trying to somehow prepare himself for the inevitable, yet he wasn't any closer to accepting it than he had been when those words had torn his world and his heart apart. How could he be expected to say goodbye to the only person... the only thing that had ever really meant anything in his life? How could he ever be ok with watching the other half of him waste away into nothing? How could he look into those eyes that used to sparkle with mischief and joy... that used to soften in happiness and love... when they were now dulled by too many tears and a thousand lost hopes and dreams?

Scott was nearly convinced he'd just cease to exist the moment the other man took his last breath. What would be the point? His reason for breathing, the electricity that powered the very beat of his heart was fading and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. No matter what anyone said... he would never be able to accept that.

They were both just waiting ... wasting time until the end.

Time is such a tricky thing. It never stops, moving torturously slow... and yet there was such a short amount of it left for him. The minutes ticked by, time passing too quickly and painfully slow at the same time.

He never left the weak man's side unless absolutely necessary, memorizing every detail of his face and counting every breath. Each rise and fall of his lovers chest felt like nothing short of a miracle but each was one breath closer to the very last. He knew the end was coming but that didn't mean he was ready.

"You should sleep." That raspy voice pulled Scott from his musings and he tried to put on a smile for him, to force his gaze to tired brown eyes and somehow not show his weaknesses. It wasn't easy but somehow he managed.

He turned his body to face the other, the bed that had felt so spacious when they'd cuddled in it after making love the first time now feeling overly small as he tried not to disturb the wires and tubes that were so vital to the fragile man at his side. "I could say the same for you."

"Plenty of time for that when I'm dead."

The statement held no jest and the smile Scott had fought to fake immediately crumbled as the words struck him like a battering ram to the chest.

It only took a moment for Mitch to regret the devastation he'd caused and he immediately tried to fix it with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I didn't think."

Scott just shifted to sit up slowly. He knew the boy had every reason to be upset and frustrated, but that didn't make his hostility any easier to swallow. He tried to find words but he just couldn't. He always worked so hard to keep his own fears and sorrows from burdening Mitch, but those words threatened his composure.

"Babe, I'm so sorry." Mitch reached out a hand, long fingers curling around the top of Scott's leg as a form of reassurance, but the blonde was struggling to keep his emotions in check. "I'm such an ɑsshole"

"You're not."

Scott's voice barely waivered, but Mitch knew without seeing his eyes that he was almost to tears and he neared his own breaking point.

"Please don't be sad."

"Mitchy..."

Scott couldn't hide his tears this time as he met his gaze. They hadn't yet fallen, but they were there, glossing over cerulean.

Mitch stared into eyes that he'd gazed into countless times. He could see the darkness beneath them, the exhaustion pulling them down. He tried to remember them the way they were before. He recalled the joy, the love... the crinkles in the corners when Scott would laugh or smile. He recalled the way those eyes would narrow in lust, the way they'd glimmer with mischief... the way they always seemed to see only him. ... Those eyes still watched him... but all that he could see now was sadness. There was so much of it he could barely stand it. He just wanted his Scott back. He wanted him to smile that smile that was reserved only for him, to get another of Scott's protectively annoying 'did you make it there ok?' texts. He wanted to go back to how things were when they were happy. He wanted Scott back.

"I hate this. I hate this stupid fücking body of mine and this stupid fücking sickness and this stupid-" he stopped, shaking his head as if to calm the cacophony of thoughts and feelings buzzing around inside of him.

"i know." Scott lifted a hand to his cheek, a gentle caress that was so familiar.

The simple motion toppled Mitch's heart as he wondered just how many of those caresses he had left, how many he'd never get. How much longer before he lost Scott forever. "It's not fair!" He sniffled, his reality crashing down on him all at once until despair was all he had left. "It's not fücking fair! We were supposed to be happy. There was so much left for us. We were supposed to buy a bigger house and visit Europe and adopt a dozen puppies and do stupid cheesy things. I was supposed to be able to surprise you with little gifts and notes and do all of that cheesy shít newlyweds do. I was supposed to be able to wake up and walk in the kitchen and see you and our son or daughter screwing up breakfast because you were too busy messing around to not burn the house down. I was supposed to be able to make you happy... We were supposed to have forever...."

The last sentence was barely more than a whimper and Scott gently tugged him against his body, careful not to dislodge anything important. He struggled to find words... any at all to somehow make it better, to give Mitch comfort in the most dire of situations, but what could he say? He could barely even breathe much less speak. His heart was being pulverized inside his chest and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't fix Mitch, he couldn't tell him it would be ok... he was completely helpless. All he could do was hold him while he continued to voice fears he'd kept silent for too long, even if hearing them tortured his own heart.

"It's not fair and I'm so selfish... I can't even... imagine how it is on your side..." Mitch tried to blink away the tears, to shove his emotions back behind the door they had been locked behind for so long, but it was too much and it all just came pouring out. "I know it's selfish and horrible but I know you're going to move on some day and I don't want you to. I don't want you to love someone else. Your smile is mine... it's meant for me! YOU are meant for ME! How can I... you're gonna have someone else's child and smile at someone else and hold them and kiss them. You're going to love someone who isn't me..."

"Mitchy, no. I couldn't ever-"

"STOP! You are! You won't be able to just stop living but what if Heaven is real... and I somehow manage to get a ticket in and... I wait... and wait... and wait for you... but you fall in love with someone else and then I'm all alone forever? You're going to be someone else's and I can't ..." His breathing began to get away from him and no matter the kisses or the sweet words Scott was trying to use to calm him nothing worked. He was terrified, angry and the panic was just multiplying with every second that passed. "I don't want to die. I don't want to lose you!!! I don't!!"

It was impossible to tell who sobbed harder, the one who was fading... or the one who would be left behind. Mitch had so many fears he still needed to voice, but the lack of breath wouldn't let him.

When he was able to find words, Scott kissed the top of his head and shifted to look his love in the eyes. "I will never... EVER... love anyone more than you. It's not even possible. I won't ever stop loving you, Mitchy. How can I stop loving the other half of my heart?"

"You're going to forget about me. You're -"

"No, I won't! How can you say that? I could never... EVER."

"I was supposed to marry you... You were almost my husband." Mitch sniffled, chin dimpling as his bottom lip trembled... effectively tearing another hole in Scott's heart.

"Baby..." Scott began but Mitch buried his head below Scott's chin before he could finish. Scott just held him a tiny bit tighter. "I'm so sorry we didn't get to have that amazing ceremony you worked so hard on, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that we don't have a certificate to say we're married. I'm your husband."

Every little shudder of the body in his arms, every little whimper, every tear against his skin only increased the ache in his chest and the weight on his mind. This wasn't how things were supposed to be at all. Mitch was right... it wasn't fair. "Guess that makes me Scott Grassi, right?"

Mitch somehow found a way to laugh and cry at the same time and shook his head. "I'd rather be yours. Mitch Hoying."

Scott looked to the ceiling, willing the flood of tears and the complete breakdown that still hadn't been fully unleashed to at least wait until Mitch was asleep again. He needed him... Mitch needed him to be strong and he fought the most difficult war he'd ever fought with himself to hold it all together ... for him.

"You'll always be mine... Mitch Hoying. Here and whatever comes after. Just wait for me on the other side, ok? I'll always find you. "

Mitch sniffled a bit more, eyes puffy and full of fear when he was able to shift to look at Scott. It was then that he cried out his most vulnerable confession.

"I'm scared, Scott. I'm so scared."

"I know, baby. Me too."

"I don't want to die." 

Scott's lips met his in a desperate attempt to remind them both that he was still alive in that moment. Weak fingers clung to overworn black fabric and tears mingled with others.

It felt like only a brief second before they parted but it could have lasted hours and still wouldn't have been enough.

"I love you so much."

Scott kissed his forehead and shifted so the younger boy's head rest comfortably on his chest. "That's good since you're stuck with me forever."

Mitch laughed through his tears just a tiny bit. "Forever."

~~~

"I'm ready."

A bright light exploded, the whiteness overwhelming and making him scrunch his face. Warmth surrounded him, pleasantly at first and then so much that it was overbearing, taking over every other sensation. He closed his eyes in a weak attempt to keep the burning away, trying to escape from the light even if he could still feel it.

He felt on fire, and he was sure his body was crumbling into dust, melting away on the tiles until he would be nothing, until not a single molecule of what he once was could be found. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. He hit the floor with his knees, his body unable to hold him up any longer, almost like he was being drained of all the energy.

Scott waited for the pain to slow down, feeling his consciousness slip away as the brightness intensified, and when darkness finally surrounded him he let out a sigh, welcoming it with open arms, finally ready to leave everything he had behind.