Chapter Six

    Grayson

    When I wake up beside Meadow the best feeling in the world fills my lungs. It’s like happiness and joy so thick that I want to cry. It’s as if I have everything at my fingertips and I can do whatever I want; be whoever I want.

      The feeling doesn’t last.

      The sun is just rising when I stare at her, curled into my chest. Her hands are closed in front of her and press gently against my chest. Her dark eyelashes remain closed and there’s a smile on her lips. She’s pale.

      This is when I realize that I need to tell her. I need her to know how I’ve felt for all this time and never had the guts to say. I know she knows what I feel for her but nothings every changed. And maybe, that’s the way we’re supposed to be, because this is what really love is.

      I still have to say it.

      I murmur it to her sleeping figure. “I love you.”

      She doesn’t hear me, but maybe this is a start.

      When I walk Meadow to her house, we can hear the yelling from the road. Her father’s voice booms through the walls. I can’t make out every word but I can make out every time he says Meadow. Her mother is crying hysterically and on top of her wails there are screams. Not scared, painful ones but broken ones. Each noise tears me apart inside and all I can think of is this must be how she’s going to sound when her daughter’s gone.

      Meadow doesn’t look phased. Her expression is blank as she walks to the front door. I trail behind her, noticing how she moves so gracefully, not disturbing anything in her way.

      When she opens the door the yelling continues. But the second I close it behind us – a little harder than usual – her parents instantly go silent. The only noise to signal that they’re even still somewhere in the house are Meadow’s mother’s sniffling.

      Meadow’s steps are silent on the floor as I follow her into the living room. When we meet her parents, her mother jumps to her feet and wraps her daughter in her arms.

      “Meadow,” she breathes, still crying. “I was so worried.”

      Her father’s steps shake the house as he moves towards me. “Grayson,” he says in a hard tone, “please step outside with me.”

      We’ve never had a conversation like this before. The only time that we have talked by ourselves was once, when Meadow left the room to get something to drink. And then, it was casual, about nothing important. I can tell that this is the exact opposite.

      He starts to leave the room and I follow behind. Meadow quickly reaches out and grabs the sleeve of her father’s arm, pulling him to a stop.

      “Dad, no. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

      He shakes her off.

      Outside the air is chilled with the wind. I hug my jacket tight to me and I’m thankful that my hair blows into my eyes so I don’t have to look directly at him.

      His voice is low so Meadow doesn’t hear, but the anger is just as thick as if he were yelling. “What the hell is wrong with you?” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond. “Taking my daughter to God knows where in the middle of the night without so much as a note or phone call? She’s dying. My daughter is dying and this is what you do!”

      Normally, I would be scared. I wouldn’t disrespect or object to him, for Meadow’s sake and because it’s not in my nature. But with everything that’s happening, with Meadow’s heart, I just can’t nod and stay silent.

      “What the hell is wrong with me? What’s wrong with you,” I snap. The shock on his face is so obvious that I almost lose my composure. Almost. “At least I’m here for Meadow! At least she go to me to escape reality, to pretend that she isn’t leaving this world.”

      His teeth are clenched tightly and his face is so red that I think that he’s going to start yelling, screaming at me to leave. But he doesn’t.

      “What are you talking about?” he growls.

      “Meadow came to me last night because you were yelling. She came because her mother was crying. She always comes to me because she can’t take being in a house where everyone else makes her feel worse! She knows she’s dying! She accepts that! But while she can, you can’t and you’re making her last moments on this earth miserable. How can you do that to her?”

      He doesn’t speak. Not one word leaves his lips. Without warning, he turns and brushes past me into the house, slamming the door.

      I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders and though I feel better, I’m worried things are going to get worse because of what I said. I can only hope that I got through to him. If I sabotage my relationship with him and it means that Meadow can be happy, fine, I’ll take that over the opposite.

      I’m halfway down the walkway when the door opens behind me.

      “Grayson, wait!”

      I look over my shoulder as Meadow jogs lightly towards me. She’s wearing a red coat I haven’t seen her wear in a year and it flaps, unbuttoned in the wind.

      “I’m coming with you.” She smiles when she reaches me. I strain to mimic the gesture and she turns her head to the side, giving me a strange look. “Where are we going?”

      We end up at my house for lack of any better ideas. My mother is thrilled when she see’s Meadow prance through the door for the first time since the news.

      “It’s so good to see you,” she says, wrapping Meadow in her arms. “I’m so glad you’re happy. You deserve no less.”

      Meadow grins back and they start talking about everything that’s going on, as if it’s as casual as talking about school or what’s for dinner. I tune them out and slump against the counter, letting my mind wander.

      “Is Grayson coming with you?”

      I pick up on my name and tune back in, having no idea what they’re talking about. Two pairs of eyes look at me cheerfully, waiting for my answer.

      “Um…” I mumble. “What?”

      Meadow rolls her eyes and laughs. “Tomorrow. I’m going to the hospital to see Lily. You can come. I’m sure she would love to see you.”

      I don’t know if I can handle another dying little girl but I can’t say no to the look on Meadow’s face. I give her my best, fake smile.

      “Sure.”

      “I’ll make some lunch,” Mom says, opening the fridge. “You two keep busy and I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

      Meadow heads down the hall, knowing to go to my room. We never hang out anywhere else in my house other in the kitchen. I think everywhere else in the house lacks the home-y feeling. It’s always been this way but whenever Meadow comes over it’s like she lights the entire house up. We could sit anywhere and it would feel normal, but we never go anywhere else.

      I fall back onto my bed and put my arms behind my head, watching as Meadow does her usual walk. She goes around my room, looking at framed pictures and little notes or keepsakes. When she reaches a specific picture she picks it up and looks at it in her hands like she does every time she’s here.

      I mouth the words before she says them.

      “I love this picture.”

      She turns towards me to show it, as if I’ve never seen it before. I nod and stare at our faces, pressed cheek to cheek. We both are grinning, our eyes bright in the sunlight. My hairs matted and Meadow’s is blowing around her face, but it looks as if we’re the only people in the world. Behind us you can see the train tracks.

      “You can have it.” I’m repeating the conversation we’ve had a million times before. It used to annoy me, going through this every time. But now it feels like one of my keepsakes, something I want to treasure and keep close to my heart.

      “No, it’s yours,” she smiles. “Besides, it gives me an excuse to keep coming back.”

      She sets it down gently and does something different than usual. She stands, staring at the photograph for a few more moments. Her eyes look sad and something close to pain crosses her face. But then she turns and smiles, the expression gone and her eyes bright.

      She flops onto my bed and hugs my waist. She lets her eyes close as she rests her head on my chest.

      “What do you want to do?” I ask.

      “Nap,” she murmurs, already halfway there.

      “Okay.” I remove my arms from behind me and wrap them around her. She snuggles into me with a smile on her lips. “You’re amazing,” I whisper as she drifts off. “More amazing than anything in this world.”