(A/N: I hope you are enjoying the story. If you are, please vote, comment, and tell your friends/followers about it. More music... You and I by 1D. And Maddie will sing her song about Matt in this chapter, which used to be Hurt by Christina Aguilera, one of the only songs ever to make me cry, just on its own. I don't mean to imply Maddie can sing like Christina. But now it's an original song, 'the other one.' ❣ILYSM❣)

Harry squeezes my hand as we step further into the small, fancy ballroom. I am not going to fucking cry. I look at him, shaking my head. I am overwhelmed. This room is so full. I am so full.

Mitch pulls me in for a hug, crushing me. "Happy birthday, kid."

"Thanks, Mitch," I beam at him. "I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, Maddie. I do. I love you, too."

I hug everyone. Full hugs not sideways hugs. Real hugs not tv hugs.

When I get to Cal and Simon, I shake my head, staring at them for a few moments. I can see Harry talking with his band in the distance. "You know, I've been so bitter the last few years, feeling like I was at war with a pretend version of myself that you guys created. But I see now that you guys didn't create an alternate version of me, you just wrote stories for the real me to play around in." They glance at each other and nod, smiling. "I'm sorry I couldn't see it sooner."

"You saw it when you were younger," Simon says kindly. "You've just had a lot going on, Maddie."

I nod. "Well, thanks. You have given me great stories, great lines over the years."

I catch up with Harry, and we sit together at a table with my mother, Jenna, Mitch, Lou, and Doctor Kline and her partner. What an odd combination. But it's the perfect combination. We are served a three-course meal, which pales in comparison to Anne's wedding, but it's nice. And then Mitch takes to the stage and makes a speech that's half toast, half roast. The crowd is dying. So am I.

And then they run a video. Ugh. I want to hide. This is so cheesy and annoying and sweet. My mom gave them footage from when I was born, and there's my first ever screen test when I was three, and scenes from Mrs. Grumpus and my other smaller roles. Then a whole montage of the best Turning Pages moments. And finally, there is a collage of still shots: my family, me and Matt, my mom smiling behind me. Pictures I have never seen before.

And then Mitch calls Harry up to the stage. He waves his band up to join him, and they carry guitars up to the stage. Niall has an acoustic drum box that he sits on, while the other guys all sit across the front of the stage, like they did for Little Things. "This is a new song, Maddie," Harry looks right at me. Normally Liam introduces the songs. "It's called You and I." I laugh, remembering how I corrected his grammar in the song 'Happily.'

Niall starts the song, tapping the drum gently as he sings, "I figured it out. I figured it out from black and white." I just stare at Harry. I don't know if he really understands, even now, even after reading everything, how much my life has changed. He says it's not because of him, and maybe he's right, but I can't imagine being here right now without him. I can't imagine making so much progress without him. Liam is singing now, "I know how it goes from wrong to right. Silence and sound. Did they ever hold each other tight, like us? did they ever fight, like us?" I wonder who the they is. His parents?

And then the music swells and Harry sings, "You and I...We don't wanna be like them. We can make it to the end. Nothing can come between you and I. Not even the Gods above could separate the two of us. No, nothing can come between you and I." I beam at him, laughing at the last line, wondering if he knows he's got it wrong again. Zayn sings next, which sounds horrible. Just the worst. I stare pointedly at Harry, cringing as if Zayn is off key. He chuckles into his microphone. Louis continues, and his voice is raspy and raw and super emotional, "See what it's like. See what it's like for day and night, never together 'cause they see things in a different light, like us. They never tried like us." The rest of the song is just Harry singing the chorus over and over, with the guys harmonizing around him.

The crowd, my crowd, cheers for them. Harry slides down off the stage and walks over. I stand and kiss him. The crowd cheers louder. I laugh, "it should be 'nothing can come between you and me.'" He tickles me, right there in front of everybody.

"Happy birthday, baby," he gives me a sloppy wet kiss.

And then they wheel out a huge cake. It's Harry Potter themed, with a three-foot tall Hogwarts castle, and a Ravenclaw banner. And I nearly die. As we're eating, Jenna smears a bit of frosting on Mitch's face. He throws a handful of cake at her, and it hits my mother instead. The whole table freezes, until she launches a handful at me. I am laughing so hard, tears are streaming down my face. I smash cake into Harry's face, and we absolutely destroy the place, every table joining in, frosting coating the whole fucking room.

I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror on the way out, and I crack up again. My hair, my face, my dress are all streaked with blue, gray and brown frosting. I am unrecognizable. Harry looks...delicious. I lean up and lick his face. He spins around and pins me against the wall in the hallway. His voice is low and sexy, "Don't start something we can't finish here, Maddie." He kisses me, running his tongue along my frosted lips.

"Then you'd better get me home," I match his husky tone.

Harry hands the valet ticket over, and we ride home holding hands, his thumb caressing mine gently. I feel every brush of his fingers in every nerve of my body. By the time we get home, I am ready for him. So ready. It seems he feels the same. As soon as we close the front door, he presses his hips against mine, kissing me forcefully.

I grab him through his pants and he moans, biting at my neck. "To the bathroom," I murmur into his ear. He hoists me over his shoulder and carries me, running his hand up the back of my thigh and under my dress as we go.

As he sets me down in the bathroom, he lifts my dress up and off. Then he slides his frosting covered finger into my mouth, and I suck it, just grazing his knuckles with my teeth. He groans, and I drop to my knees. He pushes his hips forward as I take him in my mouth, and it's almost too deep. But he pulls back. I suck hard. "Fuck, Maddie." I move faster, swirling my tongue along the underside of his erection as I pull him deeper into my mouth. "Oh, fuck, baby," he spills, salty sweet. "My turn," he drops to his knees and kisses me, leaning forward so that I will lean back. I giggle as he just keeps pushing forward until I am laying on my back. He grips my panties and slides them off, then smears frosting from his hair and cheeks all over my breasts. He licks and sucks and bites each one until I am writhing underneath him. "Delicious," he breathes into my ear. "But, this," he slides his fingers into me, "tastes even better."

He dips his head down between my legs and licks, his fingers massaging the inside. "Harry, oh god." I come so fast.

"Come on, my love, let's wash this shit off." He stands up.

"By shit you mean the sweet ashes of the decimated Hogwarts."

"Obviously." I take his outstretched hand and stand. In the shower, we really have to scrub to get this shit off. It's crazy. Like I might still have blue hair. I laugh at the strange bluish gray mohawk I create out of shampoo and frosting as I wash Harry's hair. He narrows his eyes at me. "Oh, Maddie."

"What?"

"I love to hear you laughing," he whispers. I blush, turning away shyly. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, kissing my ear. I can feel him hard again against my backside. "I love you so much."

"I love you," my voice is thick with lust. I push back against him.

He chuckles, rubbing his hand down my hip and thigh. "Put your hands against the wall." I do. "Spread your legs more." I do. He pulls at my hips, "Like this." He slams into me from behind. Oh, god. He can move so fast this way. He reaches his hands forward and grasps my breasts in his large hands, pinching the nipples. I moan, lowering my head. Good holy heaven help me. My whole fucking body contracts, spasming with pleasure. "Oh, baby," he moans, thrusting sharply once more before losing control.

Once clean, we hold hands as we walk out of the shower and wrap ourselves in towels. And then Harry curls himself around my back, gazing at us in the mirror, smiling that beautiful fucking smile. His light brown hair is still clearly tinted by the frosting. He has not quite been defrosted. "This was the best birthday I've ever had," I tell him. And then I frown, remembering how he sat on that fucking crate alone, crying, on his birthday. "I'm sorry most of your birthday sort of sucked."

He shakes his head, still smiling at me. "You walking into that storage room and asking me to come home...that was the best birthday I've ever had."

We crawl into bed and tangle ourselves together to sleep.

The next day is Presidents' Day, and we have no class. But I have to be on set by 9. I ask Harry if he wants to come along. And to my great joy, he agrees, after some fooling around, of course. Everybody on set welcomes Harry, shaking his hand or clapping him on the shoulder. It's like he's a part of this strange family. Sam tells Harry he'd better treat me right, or he'll have an entire crew after him. But that crew is beaming at Harry like he's Jesus himself. Which, I mean, he does answer to that name, so... Anyway, I doubt the threat is sincere.

Harry stands behind the camera with Mitch and Cal and Simon as we run the scenes. We are hitting my sentimental home stretch of the show, and the episodes have taken on a more maudlin feel. The atmosphere on set is equally emotional. Jenna and Sam and I cry over and over again as we try to get through our scenes, and I know it will be the same tomorrow with Dylan and Samantha.

When they call for a lunch break, I pull Harry into the trailer and lock the door, crushing my lips against his, wanting to rid myself of those tears. He lifts me and sits with me on his lap on the narrow couch. We make out like the old days, back before we did more. I sit back on the couch, leaving my legs over his lap, as we pause to breathe. He runs his hands up my shins and over my knees. "How much more do you have today?"

"A few more scenes. They booked today longer to make up for the time I missed."

"Oh. That's good. I meant to tell you, Sal said I could work mornings, Monday through Thursday. 5 or 6 until 11 or 11:30."

"Thank you."

"It's for both of us."

"Still," I shift my feet onto his lap, like at Christmas. "I'm grateful."

"I think you're cheeky." He grins at me.

"What are you going to do about it?" I bite my lower lip. He tickles me, lifting me by my sides back onto his lap.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

I shrug, blushing. "I don't know." I hide my face in his neck. I don't know why I'm shy.

"You said before that you like everything we do." I nod. "Is there anything we do that you especially like?" I shrug again. "Come on, Maddie. Tell me."

"I like when you can move really fast, like in the shower, or on the kitchen counter." I trace his jaw. "I like when you grab my breasts, like rougher. Oh god," I whine. My face is burning.

"No, baby, don't be embarrassed. This is good. What else?"

"I liked watching you, you know."

"I know, I read all about it. I'd really like to watch you." I shake my head. "Why not?"

"I've never done it right."

"I'll teach you. What else do you like?"

I pinch his nipple through his shirt. "I like when you suck hard--"

"Like it's my only source of water. How did you phrase it?"

"Close enough." I touch his lips, my fingers dancing over the perfect pink arches. "My turn to ask questions." He laughs. "You told me about stuff we'd done that was new for you. What else have we done that you had never done before?"

"Never had sex in a shower. Never had sex covered in frosting." I laugh. "Never had sex on a kitchen counter. Never did the leg over the shoulder bit. Never did it with someone I really loved," he moves to find my eyes. I blink up at him, smiling shyly. He whispers, "never cried."

"I love you."

"I love you, Maddie," he pushes his tongue into my mouth, stealing my every breath with his kiss. He caresses my cheek. "Are there things we haven't done that you want to try?"

"I have no idea." He laughs again. "I mean, like, what's left, tying each other up?"

He widens his eyes. "Do you want to do that?"

I shrug, my red face turning more purple. "I would, I guess. Are there things you want to do?" He nods. I'm a little scared. "Like what?"

"Variations of everything we already do. Maybe some spanking."

"You want to spank me?"

"Not like to hurt you. Not like Fifty Shades or anything."

"You've read Fifty Shades?" I nearly shriek.

He nods, laughing. "Have you?"

"Yeah." I breathe out a heavy sigh. "So you want to spank me, but not in a sadistic beat up your mother kind of way."

He groans. "Gross. Now I don't want to do it at all anymore."

"Damn, I was just starting to like the idea."

"Really?"

I shake my head. "No. I don't like the idea of being hit, even playfully."

"Okay," he kisses my neck. "I will never spank you. But I would really like to try something new right now. Can we?" I nod. "You on top, facing away."

He runs his hand up under my skirt, pushing my panties aside.

"Such a cheeky girl. So insatiable," he puts his hand to his mouth, licking. "So tasty." I shake my head. He shifts my legs forward off the couch and onto the ground between his, my back to him, then tugs down the zipper of his jeans. He just pushes them down a little.

"Who's brazen now?" I squeak.

"Mmm," he lifts the back of my skirt and slides my panties down to my knees. "Come here." I stand, putting my legs on either side of his. He guides me down onto him until I'm sitting on his lap again. "Oh, baby." He wraps his arms around my belly, burying his face in my neck, just behind my ear. He kisses my tattoo. I can feel him pressing against that spot inside, but he's not moving. Am I supposed to move? I circle my hips down onto him further, and fuck it feels good. He moans and I start to move faster, shifting my waist and hips almost like a belly dancer. I am so close to coming. "I'm gonna take over, baby," he breathes into my ear, grabbing my hips. He holds me steady, thrusting up into me and it's my turn to moan. He covers my mouth with his hand, "hush." I bite down on his fingers, shuddering in release. He is right behind me. "Oh, yes."

"Maddie," Mitch knocks at the door a moment later. I scramble to pull my panties on. "Back in five."

"Okay," I call, my voice shaky, my face so red. Fuck. Harry zips his pants, laughing. I smack his shoulder. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything," he raises his hands, still chuckling.

I open the door to the trailer and call for Lou. She pops her head out of the soundstage. "What's up, Mads?"

"I need a touch up."

"Harry's wearing your lipstick?" She winks at me.

I shake my head, blushing further, if that is even possible. "Just, can you just..." I don't even have words.

"Relax, hon." She climbs up into the small but lavish space. "Hey, Harry."

"Hi, again." He smiles broadly. "Don't you think the color works on me?" He dabs at his lips. I roll my eyes. She fixes my makeup, and my hair, which looks like I've been...making out. I mean. That or fighting zombies. And then I finish the last few scenes.

On the way home later, Karen calls. "Hey, Karen, what's up?"

"Maddie. You're not going to believe this." I put her on speaker. "You have been requested for the film adaptation of the Black Mist series."

"What? Seriously?" I can't contain my excitement.

"The writer requested you personally. She said you're perfect for Rose."

I frown, shaking my head and glancing at Harry. "Rose is skinny in the first book, like undernourished."

"They'd adjust digitally to make you shorter and skinnier and younger. But you have the right look otherwise, you're a huge fan, and you can sing."

My breath catches for a moment. "What?" Harry takes my hand.

"Well, they said she sings from the second book on, and they want you to sign a four movie deal, with an option for a fifth."

"Yeah, she does, but how do they know I sing?"

"I'm not sure. So, do you want to do it?"

"When's the audition?"

"No audition, Maddie. If you want the part, it's yours."

Harry squeezes my hand, I think to encourage me, but all I can picture now is Rose kissing Alastair. Kissing Tommy. "I have to think about it. Can I call you back in a couple of days?"

"Yeah."

Harry is pulling into my driveway. I squeeze his hand. "Do you want to go do something? We have this rare afternoon with nothing to do..."

"Sure. Like what?"

"We could go to the movies. Or the beach."

"The beach! It's February."

"Not to go in the water, just to walk."

He shrugs. "Okay."

I direct him to Venice, and we spend our afternoon strolling along the pathways, ducking into shops, and eating junk food. We sit on the sand and watch the sunset, and I feel like a cliche. But it's so fucking beautiful, he's so fucking beautiful, I don't even care.

He wraps his arm around my waist. "So what's this movie you got offered?"

"Have you never read the Black Mist series?" He shakes his head. "Oh my god, Harry. Seriously? They are so good. You should read them. I have them all."

He laughs at me. "You sound like Liam when he talks about you."

"Ha-ha." I stick my tongue out.

"Don't tempt me, Maddie." I snap it back in. He laughs again, his eyes pinching closed and his shoulders shaking. "Seriously, though. Are you going to do it?"

I shrug. "I mean, it's an amazing opportunity. To get a series like that. A young adult fantasy series. Those are big. But..." my voice trails off.

"You love the book." I nod. "Why the hesitation?"

"Well, for one thing, leaving Turning Pages meant leaving acting in my mind. I'm not sure I want to take on something new, something so big. Four movies is a lot." He nods. "And then, um, the girl, Rose. She has this love triangle, with these guys Tommy and Alastair. It's not until the second book, but she kisses both guys." I move so I can look right at him. "I don't want to kiss anyone else."

He runs his hand down my face. "Oh my beautiful girl." He kisses me softly. "Would that really stop you taking the part?"

I nod vehemently, gazing into his green eyes, blazing orange with the reflected sunset. "You kind of look like Tommy, though. Green eyes, long hair, muscles, hot."

He growls. "I don't want you to kiss anyone else either, especially not this Tommy asshole."

I laugh, pressing my lips to his. "He's a fictional character."

"I don't care."

I whisper, "I really don't think I could do it, Harry. I would feel like I was cheating."

"I don't think it would be cheating, Maddie. But I really don't think I could watch it." I nod, resting my head on his shoulder. "Forget the kiss for a minute. Do you still want to act? Do you want this part? I mean, you sounded really excited."

I shake my head. "I'm going to turn it down. I don't want the spotlight. I don't want the years of obligation. I don't want the kissing."

"I love you, Maddie. I'll support you either way, even if you have to kiss someone." I kiss his neck. "I'll kill the motherfucker." I laugh. "But I'll support you."

"I love you, Harry. I don't want to do it. I know myself well enough to know that I would have said yes right away if it was really what I wanted. But it goes against what I'm trying to do, which is escape the limelight in favor of real life." I shiver against him.

"Come on, baby, let's go home."

The next few days are hectic. Harry struggles to adapt to his early schedule, waking up sleepy and irritable, and I feel overwhelmed at school. I still haven't figured out my suspenseful project, and I still don't understand what's going on in music. But on the plus side, Harry has been reading the first Black Mist, and he really likes it. He even tells me I would make a perfect Rose, complicating my decision.

Friday night, I am fiddling around on the piano, trying to make sense of my music homework while Harry reads. He closes the book, sighing. "You were right. It's really good. It almost got me when the teacher died."

"I know, right?"

He walks over to me, sitting beside me on the piano bench. "Rose is such a sad character. She plays those sad keys to the left." I offer him a small smile, pressing chords to my left, sad and little off. "You said you would play the song you wrote about Matt for me." I nod, glancing at his piercing green eyes. "Could you play it now?"

"Okay." I tinkle my fingers over the higher notes. "I'll probably cry."

"Me too."

I laugh, and lean into him, kissing his cheek. "The lyrics aren't very deep, but it's super sad. It's called 'the other one,' and it should have strings with it."

He nods.

I reach past him to play the high notes at the start. I sing really quietly at first. "How have so many years passed without you here? Without your steady strength to ease my fears. I wish I had found a way to declare:" I put more breath into the vocals. "There is nothing you could have done, nothing you could have said, no promises broken that you should have kept that would stop me loving you," my voice catches and cracks, tears slipping out of my eyes. Harry presses his face to my shoulder. "So here I am, missing you, so lost and so alone, so entirely undone. All that's left, this broken form, the other one." Harry drapes his arm low around my waist, kissing my shoulder, wet now from his tears.

"Most days I still see your face in the back of my mind. Most days I wish I could take it back, just hit rewind. But I know I can't, so I'll just tell them I'm fine. How could you leave me all alone with this mess to clean? Darling all I want to know is have I lived up to who you thought I'd be? And did you know I loved you even though I never let you see?" The last word comes out a sob, and I play a string of chords to fill time while I compose myself. "There's nothing you could have done, no angry words you may have meant, no broken bones we couldn't mend. No, there's nothing that would stop me loving you. I don't have much faith, forgiveness or foresight, but I'd like to think you're looking down on me tonight. And love, I'm sorry for everything I couldn't be for you, and I forgive you for everything you couldn't do." I lose it again. "Fuck." I sing the last couple of lines barely above a whisper. "So here I am, grieving you, so lost and so alone, so entirely undone. All that's left, this broken form, the other one."

"Oh, baby," Harry takes my face in his hands and kisses me. "I love you." He kisses my tear-stained cheek, my temple, my eyebrow, my eyes, and back to my lips. "Matt would be so proud of the woman you've become, Maddie."

"Thank you, Harry. I love you."

"Let's go to bed."

"I..." I hesitate, tensing.

"Maddie, I want to hold you, comfort you." My shoulders are up by my ears. He rubs the back of my neck gently. "Let me hold you. That's all."

"Okay," I whisper.

"Come here, baby," he stands, opening his arms to me. I wrap mine around his neck, tucking my face into his neck. He walks us back to the bedroom. "Change into something comfy." He peels his jeans and sweater off, climbing onto the bed to wait for me. I strip down to my underwear and snuggle in close to him, his hands petting my hair and arms. "Oh my love, my sweet beautiful girl. I love you so much." I fall asleep, soothed by his touch.

Saturday morning I wake with a pillow full of drool. I slept, that deep body-melting-into-the-mattress kind of sleep. Where your limbs feel so heavy and you wake unsure where you are, what day it is, or whether it's morning or night. But I feel really good. I feel strong. I feel happy. I spin my bracelet, flipping the little plates. Happily. Strong. Happily. Strong. Just a couple of weeks ago, I sat here alone, doing this exact same thing. This is much better.

"Hey, love." Harry's voice is scratchy with sleep.

I kiss his forehead, running my fingers through his hair. God, I love his beautiful hair. "Hi, my love."

"I don't have to work today!" His face, still pressed to the pillow, lights up. "What should we do?"

"I don't know. You want to go to a museum?"

"Like what type of museum?"

"Art." I can't stop thinking about Black Mist. That scene in the Museum of Modern Art in New York. So violent. So bloody. "We can go to Norton Simon and see the Degas from Black Mist."

"Yeah. Let's do that." He sits up.

"Really?" He nods. We get dressed and head out to the car. I plug the details into the navigation, and he follows the instructions, driving across town and up into Pasadena. "I came here a lot as a kid."

"Oh yeah?" he slips his hand into mine as we approach the entrance.

"My old house is about ten minutes from here."

He widens his eyes. "I didn't imagine it being so close."

I nod, pointing north. "Just up the hill." I take his hand. "Come on, love. Let's look at paintings of ballerinas." We walk through the galleries of the Norton Simon Museum holding hands, mostly in silence, occasionally murmuring some comment about some piece. I love the abstract art. Harry prefers the impressionists. Both are amazing, honestly. After, we go to a fifties style diner. We talk about Black Mist. That museum scene is really something else. "I can picture so clearly how it should look on screen," I tell him.

"Maybe you should be a producer on the film, if you really aren't going to play Rose. You could help make sure it turns out all right."

I raise my eyebrows at the suggestion. "That's not a bad idea, Harry. I really can't play Rose, I already know that. But maybe I could be involved another way. I'll tell Karen."

"You told my mum you don't really like making films, but you seem to."

I shrug. "I guess. I like it now that I actually get to do it. But I'm stuck on this suspense assignment."

"Why?"

I put down my burger and heave a deep sigh. "It's just, when I was first sketching ideas, I thought...I couldn't get that day out of my head. The day I found Matt. The quiet of our house, versus the creak of the power cord straining against the tree branch." Harry cringes. "I storyboarded a whole scene, but..."

"You don't think you can make it." I nod. "Because it hurts too much."

"But at the same time, I feel like maybe, like eating a bite of orange chicken...maybe I need to. Maybe doing this will get the image out of my head finally." He nods. "What do you think I should do?"

He drinks some soda, then takes my hand. "I think you know yourself really well. If you think it will help you, it probably will. But, please be careful. Don't push yourself too far. I hate seeing you hurt."

"I should double your pay," I bite my upper lip.

He nudges my foot with his. "Are you implying I am a hooker?"

"I mean..." He beams at me. My phone rings. "It's my mom." I slide the lock screen. "Hi mom."

"Hey, Maddie. I'm just checking in. How're you doing?"

"I'm good. Harry and I are actually down at Delilah's."

"Oh, god. I love that place. I had their onion rings and chocolate soda almost every day while I was pregnant with you."

I crinkle my eyebrows, looking at Harry with amusement. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah. What are you doing on this side of town?"

"We went to Norton Simon."

"Fun."

"Yeah." I stretch the word, and then my brain says something so stupid. "Maybe we could stop by." Harry widens his eyes at me.

"Of course, come on up."

What the fuck was I thinking? "Maddie?" Harry looks so scared.

"I'm okay. Really. Let's go."

"How long has it been?"

"Just a couple years." I am tense as Harry drives north up Los Robles, cutting over on Woodbury. "Turn here," I point at my street. A few blocks up, I gesture at my house. My old house. My mom greets us at the front gate, hugging both of us. She wanders back inside mumbling something.

"Can I see your old room?" He asks quietly.

"Yeah. Come on." I lead him into the house, where my mother and Mike are now deep in conversation. We go down the long hallway to my room, which is pretty much exactly as I left it, that very day he died. "I refused to sleep in here after he died," I explain.

"Where did you sleep?"

"For awhile, in his room. Then the little guest room, and for the last two years before I moved out entirely, the garage apartment." Harry moves around the room touching all the knick knacks and toys, lifting some to examine closer.

"This is Sarah," he says holding up a dingy old one-armed baby doll. I nod. "I didn't imagine that you kept her."

"Yeah."

"These are pretty." He holds up a small set of gold filigree butterfly pins.

"I got them in England."

"Guilt trip."

"Yep."

He looks at me, a deep frown furrowing his brow. "It's surreal to be here. To see the things you wrote about. It's all preserved here." He shudders.

"Where you, in contrast, had absolutely nothing in your room for me to explore." He laughs. "No fair." I close the distance between us and kiss him softly.

"Can I see the rest of the house?"

"Sure." I take him into Matt's room, painted such dark colors. Dark blue, dark gray. How did no one see it coming? How did no one help him? He runs his fingers over the walls, and I don't notice at first that my mother has joined us. But when I do, I move closer, wrapping my arm low around her waist. She rests her head on my shoulder, and I kiss it. Harry stops at the far corner, where Matt had his collage of pictures, tracing his fingers over the edges. "You ready?"

"Yeah." He turns back. "Oh, hi Meredith."

"Harry."

"Maddie, Matt loved you. You can't doubt that."

"I don't anymore." He nods. "Come on." We stop at the pink bathroom. I open the low cupboard and flick my finger over the metal prongs that scarred me. He shakes his head, lacing his fingers with mine. "The guest room," I gesture into the tiny room my mom now uses as an office. We are back to the family room where Mike is watching golf. He and Harry share a brief exchange about who is winning and make plans to go golfing one day next week. I mean...really? "My mom's room is straight ahead. And through here, through the kitchen, we can get to the old apartment." The pathway to the garage is littered with dust and debris from the recent rains overflowing the flower beds above. "This is where I got drunk for about six months of my life," I wave my hand into the dark space.

Harry walks in and looks into the bathroom and small kitchenette quickly, then returns to me. "This room is horrible." I nod.

"This whole place is horrible."

"Where was your piano?" I lead him back through the kitchen and family room to the living room and show him. "I can picture you playing it, so young, your tiny fingers stretching as far as they could reach."

I wrap my arm around him. "I'm going to go into the backyard."

"Are you sure, Maddie?" I nod. "Do you want me to come?"

"Give me a couple minutes first." I push open the sliding glass door and step out onto the patio.

I stand there and stare at the tree.

I don't even know how much time passes. Harry wraps his arms around me, kissing that spot behind my ear that usually makes me giggle. "Are you okay, Maddie?"

I nod. "It's weird. I thought coming back here, that I would just lose it all over again. But I don't just see the tree where he hung himself. I see the spot," I point just to the right of the tree, "where we camped out at Halloween." Harry squeezes me tighter. "And the lawn that always flooded where we would ride our tricycles and stomp around in rain boots. And where I fell off my bike and Matt picked me up. So many good memories."

"God, Maddie. You are so strong."

"I am now," I smile at him. "I wasn't always. I hid from all of this for the last six years. But now, I'm strong enough to face it."