**CONTENT WARNING** for a mild sex scene and discussion of depression and depressive thoughts, including feelings of hopelessness. Reader discretion is advised.

I see you but I wish I didn't

I feel you but I know I shouldn't

It's all so wrong, so let's sing this song

I got mine, now come get yours

It's the will of the Devil which stirs

As I dread this bed

So many things which better left unsaid

Yet everything unravels in my head

--From the song Sinful Sins

Lyrics By: Orion Bauwens and Jacob Larson

It's probably really, really stupid, but I stick to my words and throw a party the following night. Part of my reason is I can't sleep so I stay awake planning instead. The other part is...I don't know. Insanity?

I don't know what I'm trying to prove. I don't know why I'm trying to keep up a stupid ruse for someone who's not even going to be at the party. I know it's all so very idiotic but there goes my body again, being possessed.

It's not the only ruse I'm pulling off that evening. I'm not drinking. A bottle of water is in my hand the entire time I socialize.

Don't get me wrong, there's booze here. There's lots of booze here. But I'm not partaking. I know it's raised a few eyebrows tonight--for various reasons.

But truthfully? I don't give a damn about anything anymore. So I might as well enjoy myself, right?

It was an open invitation--if I invited you and you knew someone, I said bring them. I invited old crew members and their families. Friends of mine, current and old from long ago. Gloria, Ben, and Jake are here (of course).

I should be jaded that so many people showed up on the flip of a dime. It kinda sucks. I can't help but wonder, where the fuck were all you people when I needed you?

But hey--free booze, right? Once in a lifetime opportunity to catch a glimpse inside my cage, right? I mean, to catch a glimpse inside Orion Bauwen's house, right?

Right?

"I'm glad you're not drinking," Gloria tells me seriously, her husband at her side.

"Oh I am," I reply with a laugh, swishing around my half-drank water bottle.

"Where's Tristan?"

My face falls and I look away, mumbling. "We broke up."

She looks stunned. "Oh. I--I'm sor--"

"Orion!"

I turn around. It's Olivia. I break out into a grin immediately and walk away from Gloria.

"Hey!" I say, wrapping my arm around her waist and giving her a peck on the cheek. "I'm glad you made it! I thought you worked?"

"Yeah but--" she fake-coughs, "I'm sick."

I laugh. "You won't get in trouble, will you?"

"Naw, it's fine. Besides, I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

I grin. Of course you wouldn't.

I lead Olivia around the house. There are people all over the place, inside and out. I don't even know half of them.

But that's okay. If they're happy maybe I can be happy. Or at least maybe I can pretend I'm happy. Fake it 'til you make it!

To my surprise Olivia actually knows one of my stage hands. So while they start talking I slip away. I don't get very far though because someone has slung their arm around my neck.

I look over. It's Jake. A very drunk Jake.

"This is great," he slurs at me.

I can't help but laugh. "Yeah, I guess."

"Reminds me of old times."

I merely shrug.

"Yaknow, back when we first got famous? And we used to do that? Just throw wild parties? Remember that one time in Vegas and we started inviting random people on the strip to come?"

"It was the Virginia Beach strip, but yes, I remember that."

"Are you sure it wasn't Vegas?"

"I'm sure. Vegas was where Ben slept with the stripper, ended up handcuffed to the bed naked, and got his wallet stolen."

Jake cracks up. "Oh yeah!"

I grin and shake my head. "What're you drinking?"

Jake looks at the glass he's holding, eyes unfocused. After a minute he looks back at me. "Fuck if I know."

I laugh.

"Hey," he says as seriously as a drunk person can manage. He grabs my forearm tightly, and I look at him, surprised. "I wanna talk. Just me and you. 'Bout yesterday."

I sigh. "Alright, fine, if we have to."

"Aw. Dun be that way, Ori."

I shoo random people off my couch in the drawing room so we can sit. He sits to my right, so close we're touching each other. He doesn't move.

"I know I told ya I was givin' up," he tells me, trying his damnedest to stare me in the face, "but I wanna give it one more shot."

I roll my eyes. "Great."

"I've been doing' some thinkin'."

"While drunk? That's never a good idea."

"Fuck you. Not just while I was drunk. I mean yeah, some, but--"

I snort and shake my head.

"Shuddap an' listen now, okay?"

I hold up my hands.

He sighs. "Alright, so. I think this entire time you've wanted everyone to push you away, an' thas' why you act like a prick. You don't think you'll ever be great, you don't think you'll ever amount to anything no matter what anyone does or says--not even you to yourself."

"I've told you as much," I reply, getting irritated. I threw this party to forget my problems, not to have a fucking therapy session.

"But even when people are nice to you and try to help you, you don't let them. An' thas' the thing I don't get about any of this. Orion--don't you want to be happy?"

"W-what?"

"Don't you wanna be happy?"

"Of--of course I do!"

"Look--I did you the justice of looking into depression. And I get tha' a part of it a chemical thing, and that your brain doesn't work quite right. But Orion--"

He puts his hand on my knee and leans closer.

"--I don't get it. You say you wanna be happy but it seems like everything you do just aims at self-destructive. Can you honestly say right now you wanna be happy?"

I look away. "I do. Everyone wants to be happy."

"Then why don't you? I know it's not as simple as a mind over matter thing, and I know you have your addiction, but...Fuck, Orion. I got a call from Tristan saying he's goin' back to Texas, and he told me that you've been drinkin' again, and that you don't go to therapy anymore, or AA--"

"Fuck him. He didn't have any right to say that."

Jake blinks. "Ori--he's going back to Texas. And all you can say is 'fuck him'? I thought you loved him?"

My eyes narrow into slits. "Yeah, I do."

Jake grabs my hand now. "So then why are you sending him packing? See what I mean? Everything that makes you happy you throw away. That's what I don't understand Orion--"

That's it.

Fuck everyone in the room. Fuck anyone who overhears us. I can't take this shit anymore. I can't take this prying.

I can't take that, no matter how many fucking times I explain everything to people, they still can't wrap their fucking minds around it. They still can't wrap their fucking minds around me. So I lose it. I scream as loud as I can, and I don't even care.

"I'm broken! I'll never fully be fixed! You can't fucking make something exactly how it was! It's like a broken bone--sure it mends but it's never the same! It'll always ache before it rains and when the temperature changes! You can glue something back together after it shatters, but the cracks are always going to be there! You can unfold tinfoil, but it'll always be wrinkled! You can sew a ripped shirt, but the stitch is always going to fucking be there!"

I get up in his face now. My nose is practically touching his. "So do you get it now, Jacob? There's no fucking fixing me, ever. Do you fucking understand now? Do you?"

Jake kisses me. Oh fuck, Jake kisses me and I melt into it.

It's been so long since I've felt his lips against mine that I didn't even realize I missed them. Back when we first started touring we were fuck buddies. First it was my own paranoia--I was too afraid to sleep with anyone on the road because of STD's. Even with a condom, I had this irrational fear.

Jake at the time was trying to figure out his sexuality. So I gave him a handjob. Then a blowjob. Then before either of us knew it we were having sex somewhat regularly.

For me it was nothing. It meant nothing. I was just a lonely, horny teen. But Jake started to get feelings. So I broke it off with him.

That's why he's always been so protective of my well-being. That's why whenever anything happens in my life he's always trying to make sure I'm okay, or that I'll be okay. That's why he's so harsh on me sometimes--that's why he threw me off the stage steps last year, why he threw me in the pool. I guarantee it was his idea for the intervention, not Gloria's. He just wants what's best for me.

But that was a long time ago. I didn't think he had feelings like that for me anymore. But fuck, then why is he kissing me? And more importantly, why am I allowing myself to kiss him back? If anything happens, it's going to fuck with his emotions. Why am I toying with him? Fuck, he's drunk.

But then he pulls away and cups the side of my face, and I see nothing but love in his eyes, and it makes me catch my breath.

"I don't care how broken you are, Orion, you're still beautiful to me."

And it's with that sentence that I end up sleeping with him in one of the guest bedrooms. We're both fucking vulnerable. I miss Tristan and am falling apart. He's drunk. And even as we're rocking each other's worlds, I know in the back of my mind it's wrong. But it's so good, and he's so good, and fuck me but I need that right now.

And when we're done he starts crying and clinging to me, begging me to take everything that's wrong with me and put it away. He begs me to be okay. He tells me if he could take the pain away from me he would. He tells me he'd do literally anything for me, and I know that's true.

And I wish I could do all that. I wish I wasn't a self-destructive cunt. I wish I could just wave a wand and magically make my depression disappear. I wish I could feel something besides this bottomless pit inside of me. I wish I could just let him help me somehow.

But I can't. So I just let him cry.