(Special thanks to _Superwholockinger_, who came up with the last name Dankworth!)

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A family stood at the edge of the bustling center of Independence, Missouri. General stores, saloons, and other establishments lined either side of the wide, well-trodden dirt road, and dust kicked up from peoples' boots mingled with the sound of people trading wares and news, swapping stories, and advertising goods. This family, like many others, were in Independence to buy the essentials needed for their journey west to Oregon, the promised land.

Since the story will be focusing on this family of six, the Dankworths, I might as well introduce you to them.

Two-Sheds (props to you if you get the reference) Dankworth was the (self-proclaimed) leader of the wagon party, and the father of the family.

Hard Hat Required Dankworth was the wife of Two-Sheds and mother to three children.

The eldest child of Hard Hat Required and Two-Sheds was Vaccinated, a sixteen year old girl.

Next came Bug.jpg (his parents originally wanted to name him Bug.mp3, but the people at the birth registration didn't allow numbers), the middle child at six years old, and possibly the most problematic. He was more wild animal than human boy.

The third sibling and the youngest Dankworth child was Accidental. She was four months old and couldn't do much, so she was kind of boring.

And the sixth member of the family? That would be Dr. Inscitus. Well, he wasn't really related. No one, including the Dankworths themselves, knew why he was with them or when exactly he joined them, but they just kinda accepted it. The Dankworths were also not completely sure that Dr. Inscitus was a real doctor– they suspected that he may have been at one point, but he was rather touchy about the subject.

Two-Sheds scanned the store signs, looking for Matt's General Store. "There," he said, spotting it and leading his family through a small crowd of people. He could have easily gone around, but that was not Two-Sheds' way.

"Did you read the Missouri Republican today?" asked a smiling man holding a newspaper outside the general store.

"No," Two-Sheds told him, and with that led the Dankworths into the store.

"Hey there!" said a man inside the store, presumably Matt. "Welcome to Matt's General store! You have $800.00 to spend."

"How do you know how much money we have?" Hard Hat Required asked skeptically. Matt ignored her and kept talking.

"We have yolks, food, clothing, ammunition, and spare parts."
"Okay," replied Two-Sheds, "I guess we'll start with yolks."

"I recommend at least 3 yolks, there are 2 oxen in a yolk. $40 per yolk," Matt said immediately.

"Uh, we'll take four."

"For food, I recommend 200 pounds per person. 20 cents per pound."
Two-Sheds looked over at the doctor. "Dr. Inscitus," he said, "you're the math person. How much do we need?"

"There are five of us," Dr. Inscitus responded. "So 500 pounds. Easy."

"Great, 500 pounds then."

This went on until they reached spare parts.

"We'll buy five wagon wheels," Two-Sheds said.

"You can only carry three!" Matt said, making an error noise.

"Okay, we'll take four wagon wheels."

Matt made an error noise again. "You can only carry three!"

"Fine, we'll take three," sighed Two-Sheds.

With $500.00 left, three wagon wheels, and the rest of their supplies, the Dankworths walked out of Matt's General Store.

"Ready to head off?" Two-Sheds asked.

"Wait," responded Hard Hat Required, "We should talk to some people here first. They may have valuable advice." She handed Accidental to Vaccinated and walked over to the man they had passed earlier, who was staring into space with a smile. It was honestly kind of creepy. As soon as she got within three feet of him, his grin widened and he looked at Hard Hat Required. She noticed he had a name tag that read 'Miles Hendricks'.

"Did you read the Missouri Republican today?" Miles asked. but didn't wait for a reply. "Says some folk start for Oregon without carrying spare parts, not even an extra wheel axle. Must think they grow on trees! Hope they're lucky enough to find an abandoned wagon."

"Um, thanks," Hard Hat Required said. "Do you have any advice for travelers of the Oregon Trail?"

Miles Hendricks smiled blankly back.

"Oh well." Hard Hat Required shrugged and turned away to rejoin her family. "Wait, one last thing–" she added, turning around and reapproaching Miles Hendricks.

"Did you read the Missouri Republican today?" he asked, slightly louder than the previous time.

"Oh, never mind." Hard Hat Required turned back again, and the Dankworths started to walk to a nearby field where they had parked their wagon.

"Hey, where's Bug.jpg?" Vaccinated asked, looking around.

"Wha–" Two-Sheds and Hard Hat Required started looking frantically around. Sure enough, the small boy was not with them.

"I mean, I'm not complaining," continued Vaccinated, but no one paid attention to her. A commotion had arisen by where Hard Hat Required had just come from. Bug.jpg was circling Miles Hendricks (or at least, semi-circling, because Miles had his back to the wall of the general store) on all fours, growling. Each time Bug.jpg turned to start a new semi-circle, he advanced the smallest bit, and every time he advanced Miles squeaked in fright, "Did you read the Missouri Republican today?"

"BUG.JPG!" yelled Hard Hat Required, "COME HERE."

Bug.jpg paused and looked up. He glanced between his mother and Miles as if trying to decide how hungry he really was.

Then he leapt at Miles Hendricks.

Miles shrieked and swiped at the boy with his newspaper. Bug.jpg snatched it from his grasp with his teeth, shook it around like a dog for a moment, then promptly swallowed it. 

"MY MISSOURI REPUBLICAN!" Miles wailed.

"BUG.JPG!" repeated Hard Hat Required. "COME." She pointed to the ground in front of her, and the boy slowly crawled over to his mother, much to the relief of Miles Hendricks. He had ink around the sides of his mouth like blood. "BAD Bug.jpg," she continued. "BAD." 

Bug.jpg looked at the ground in shame. He hiccuped. (Sometimes that happens when you consume an entire newspaper at once. Try it sometime.) Hard Hat Required pulled a leather leash riddled with teeth marks from her pocket and hooked it around Bug.jpg's neck, much to the horror of other parents around.

"Don't worry," Hard Hat Required assured them, "he's fine." Bug.jpg spotted a nearby bird, pulled on the leash, choked, and coughed up an advertisement for chicken feed. "See?"

She pulled the reluctant Bug.jpg over to the field where their wagon was parked, where the rest of the Dankworths (and Dr. Inscitus) were waiting. 

"Honey, do you have the keys?" Two-Sheds called as Hard Hat Required approached. 

"No, I thought you had them!"

Everyone frantically searched their pockets for the keys, but no one had any luck.

"Oh well," Hard Hat Required said. "They'll turn up." She climbed into the front of the covered wagon next to Two-Sheds, and the children and Dr. Inscitus got into the wagon bed. 

"Anyone now how to drive this thing?" Two-Sheds asked, looking at the reins curiously.

"Yeah, let me try," Dr. Inscitus said, shoving his way to the front and taking the reins. He snapped them, shouting "GIDDYUP!" 

Nothing happened. 

"Maybe it's a different word," suggested Vaccinated. "PLEASE!" she shouted.

"OPEN SESAME!" added Vaccinated.

Everyone joined in, yelling possible activating words for the wagon.

"ABRACADABRA!"

"GO GO POWER RANGERS!"

"ALAKAZAM!"

"MISSOURI REPUBLICAN!"

Unfortunately, none of these worked. No matter how loud they screamed the words "GO GO POWER RANGERS", the wagon did not move.

"Don't we need oxen?" Vaccinated said after a while. The family looked down at the empty yolks in front of the wagon.

"...Probably," Two-Sheds agreed. "Right then, let's go get oxen!"

The Dankworths made their way over to a paddock containing a herd of oxen on the other side of the field.

"Hey there, pal!" a man leaning against a fence post exclaimed. "Did you–"

"NO, WE HAVEN'T READ THE MISSOURI REPUBLICAN TODAY!" Hard Hat Required screamed.

"Whoa there, lady!" the man said, putting his hands up in defense. "I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout, I was gonna ask if you were here to buy some oxen."

"Oh. Sorry. Yes, we are. Carry on."

The man happily carried on. "Well, we got quality oxen, 800 dollars each!"

"800 DOLLARS?" screeched Two-Sheds.

"That's what I said," confirmed the man, chewing on a piece of wheat. "We got some in the back though for only 20 dollars."

"Perfect," Two-Sheds said, "we'll take those."

"You... you sure? They're kinda broken."

"Look, we're in a hurry." Two-Sheds handed over the money, and the man went into the middle of the herd and brought out two oxen on leads. One of them was walking backwards. 

"He doesn't know how to walk forward while facing that way," the man explained. "Otherwise he's pretty good. And this one–" he pointed to the other ox– "is pretty good too, he just thinks he's a dog."

"What?"

"A dog."

"Look, we can't take these, they–"

The man was already walking away. "You already paid! Toodleloo!"

Defeated, the Dankworths made their way back to their wagon and hitched up the oxen, one of them facing backwards and the other one panting with its tongue out, and climbed back in. The wagon had just begun to move when Two-Sheds shouted suddenly: "STOP!"

"What is it?" Hard Hat Required asked. 

"I forgot to buy an issue of the Missouri Republican."