My throat felt closed off, at this point I didn’t even know if I couldn’t breathe or I just didn’t want to. My head ached and my chest burned, I think I ran out of tears a longtime ago because all I could was stare blankly at the wall.  

Sick dying girl, his voice rang in my head.

I definitely felt like one at this moment. Rick was at the door knocking calling out my name clearly worried, I could barely move to even attempt to open the door. I couldn’t even find the strength to answer him.

Breathe in, breathe out!

Doing my best to follow those simple yet difficult instructions, it felt like I was suffocating slowly. After a few minutes of trying to even my breaths, I eventually got myself together.

I tried, I really tried my best to ignore what he said and get over it. A day had passed but the echoes of his word seemed to be stuck in my head, his words cut something inside me so deep.

I couldn’t help but wonder, if maybe I hadn’t hidden it from him, would he still have wanted to be with me? After everything, did he really regret it so much that I wasn’t worth his time?

I hated this. I hated this so much. I hated how his words had so much effect on me.

I was so much happier yesterday, I was finally coming to terms with everything. So why did he have to go and ruin it? Why did he have to go and break my heart again? 

“Kaylee, please open the door.” Rick pleaded from behind the door.

“I’m coming.” I mumbled, my voice hoarse from all the crying.

Forcing myself up, I wobbled to the bathroom feeling a bit dizzy. Washing my face in the sink, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The once happy girl was now the sad girl with red eyes and swollen puffy cheeks.

Smile.

And I tried to, but I couldn’t. I’ve faked a smile countless of times so what was different now? I felt so drained and empty.

Sighing, I went back into my room and opened the door.

“Hey.” I mumbled.

“I’ve been so worried about you.” Rick said pulling me into a hug immediately.

I was stiff and cold at first but I slowly felt myself melt into the warmth of the hug. When did I start liking hugs so much?

“I’m fine.” I lied., once more.

“You ran out of their house crying, locked yourself up in your room all night and all day and now I’m seeing you for the first time since and you looked like you haven’t slept at all.” He pulled out placing his hands on my shoulder as he looked at me, a concerned look in his eyes. “Don’t lie to me. Please Kaylee, we’ve gone past this.”

“I’m…not ok.” I said feeling new tears well up in my eyes, I thought they I had run out already.

“What did he do?” he asked.

“Broke my heart again.”  I laughed dryly. “It’s just…he said something that really hurt me.”

“What did he say?” he asked leading me inside the room to my bed.

“He found out I had cancer.” I took a seat on my bed and he followed suit. “And well… He told me he wasted his time on a….sick dying girl like me.”

“Oh Kaylee.” Rick said pulling me for another hug as the waterworks began again. “You know that’s not true.”

“But it is.” I choked out.

“You’re not a sick dying girl Kaylee.” he said breaking apart, his hand holding mine as he gave me a gentle squeeze. “You’re a beautiful, talented and smart girl. Just because you’re a bit sick doesn’t change who you are.”

I smiled a bit. “I’m a lot sick though, not a bit.”

“Doesn’t matter.” He laughed slightly. “I think I’ll have to have a little chat with him.”

“Please don’t!” I exclaimed. “I’m fine, I won’t let whatever he says affect me.”

 At least not anymore.

“Better.” He nodded. “You don’t have to go to school tomorrow though, you can call in sick. You need to rest..”

“I wish I could, exams start tomorrow.” I sighed. “It’s okay, I’m not going to let him or anything else get to me.”

“That’s my girl.” Rick grinned as he got up. “I’ll leave you to rest.”

“Wait Rick.” I called out before he left.

He turned back. “Yeah?”

“Do you think I should have told him?” I asked looking down. “From the beginning, maybe I should have told him. Do you think it’s my fault? He does have a reason to be mad.”

“Kaylee.” He turned my face gently so I was looking at him. “You have the right to keep things to yourself, not everybody has to know something that’s personal to you.”

“Even at that, we were dating and I shouldn’t have kept secrets.”

“I know you Kaylee, you had your reasons but I knew you would have told him eventually when you’re ready. Regardless, that didn’t give him the right to say what he said.”

“Thank you.” I sighed and gave him a small smile. “I can’t believe I was so horrible to you, how did you not hate me?”

“I understood you Kaylee, I understood your pain.” Was all he said before he left, after giving me one more smile.

Smiling softly, I fell on my bed and let the exhaustion take over me. I shouldn’t care about what he said. I got what I wanted, he’ll stay away. I thought I was doing it to protect him, I thought he really cared but I was wrong. Regardless, I’ll protect myself from now on.

My head was pounding the next morning when I woke up and my chest and throat felt raw. Groaning, I forced myself off my bed and made my way to the bathroom.

I wanted to skip school today, but no matter whatever excuse you have, if you missed an exam you can’t rewrite or reschedule. Dumb. What if you had stage four cancer and felt sick or you had an accident that nearly killed you? None of the school’s business or concern.

I couldn’t afford to miss an exam if I wanted to graduate, which was at the top of my death list. Yes, I had one, bite me. To be sincere though, it’s more of little bucket list of things I wanted to do before I die. Hence, why I called it death list.

Top of my list, Graduate. Next…well there’s plenty of time to think of that.

I freshened up getting dressed in my usual. Picking up my keys and bag, I made my way downstairs to the kitchen where Rick was already down making breakfast, except he wasn’t alone. Sophie was downstairs as well, only that the pancakes in the pan was burning but they were both too preoccupied with each other’s face to actually notice that.

“You guys are cute and everything but I rather not wake up to a make out session every morning. Or burnt food either. ” I dead-panned making them jump in shock as they pulled apart to stare at me.

“Sorry about that.” Sophie said laughing slightly, her face red from being caught while Rick just grinned and turned the stove off.

“Good morning to you too.” He said taking care of the mess.

I rolled my eyes  playfully at him.

“Guess we’re not having pancakes for breakfast.” Rick said bringing out some bowls and cereal with milk.

“Don’t worry about me.” I said taking an apple from the fridge. “I’m off to school, you guys don’t do any funny business while I’m gone.”

Rick burst out laughing while Sophie just groaned trying to hide her face. I laughed slightly as I walked out of the kitchen outside to my car.

I got inside and turned it on before driving off, mentally preparing myself for another day of torture in a hell hole disguised as a school.

When I got to school and walked into the school building, I could tell something was off. They were staring. Not just staring, but pointing and whispering to themselves.

Not this again! I mentally groaned.

I thought they would have found something else to talk about than the whole incident that happened between Christian and I. That’s what it’s about…right?

I mean people did stare a lot and they didn’t even try to lower their voice when they were talking about me all through last week, so why did I have this weird feeling inside me as I tried to ignore it and walked to my locker.

“I feel bad for her”

“No wonder she’s like that”

“What an attention seeker.”

“Maybe Christian dated her out of pity or something.”

“I guess that’s why she was mute.”

Getting irritated, I slammed my locker door shut. I had no idea what they were going on about and I really didn’t think I wanted to know.  The sound echoed through the hallway and everyone turned to look at me.

“Now you all have a good reason to look and talk about me.” I smiled.

“Guess cancer makes a person aggressive huh?” I heard a voice behind me say as I was about to leave making me stop in my tracks.

 Slowly, I turned around to come face to face with Melissa. How did she know and is that what everyone was going on about?

“What?” I frowned.

“Or is it just you?” she continued.

“I don’t know what-“

“No use denying it honey. Every. Body. Knows.” she smirked  emphasizing each word.

My fist tightened as the realization sunk in. I struggled to control my breath, not because I was about to burst out crying but because I was mad.

I was mad at Ryan for telling Christian and probably the whole school. I was mad at Christian for dragging me into his life setting me as a target for their stupid games, I was quite invincible before he walked into my life. And he had the guts to tell me he wasted his time on me, I never begged for it! I was mad at Melissa for being such a…I had no idea what to even call her! Why the hell was my personal business something she wanted to use against me? I was mad at myself for being so stupid and letting them all walk all over me.

“And?” I laughed bitterly.

“Isn’t that how you guilt tripped Christian into dating you?” she asked arching her eyebrow.

She was acting innocent, like she wasn’t using some information to blackmail him. She was making me the villain of the story. Not only was she using Christian, she was using me!

“Shut the hell up Melissa.” I said calling her name with so much venom in my mouth. “I never told him, I never told anyone.”

“So you were lying to-“

“Drop it.” Bella said walking towards Melissa.

“Why should I?” Mel huffed.

“We shouldn’t waste our time on her, especially something that really doesn’t concern us.” Bella replied.

The way she said it made it feel like she didn’t want to involve herself in it but it felt like she was trying to defend me, or at least I think so, especially after noticing her gaze lingering on me for a few seconds too long before she dragged Melissa and left. The look in her eyes were unreadable, I had no idea what she was thinking or trying to do.

At that moment, Christian walked in, Ryan at his side. My anger immediately rekindling at the sight of both of them.

“Great job!” I exclaimed glaring at Ryan.

Two of us had never been closed, I felt he made it a duty to keep away from me anytime I was with the rest. The only interaction we had was the hospital incident and when he confronted me about it. I didn’t care at that moment though, he had no reason to do what he did.

“What?” he frowned.

“Don’t act dumb. I mean fine, you told him.” I gestured at Christian, not wanting to look at him. “But spread it to everyone else at school…what did I ever do to you?”

“What are you talking about? Yeah, I told Christian because he deserved to know.” he glared. “But I didn’t tell anyone else.”

“So why does everyone in the school know?” I asked and he shrugged.

He freaking shrugged! Like it really was none of his concern.

"It wasn't him." Christian quietly spoke up.

“Was it you then?” I asked him, my eyes avoiding his gaze as I still couldn’t find the courage to look at him.

“Was it you then ?” I asked Christian, my eyes snapping up to meet his in a glare

“I would never do that. You should know that.” he said taking a step towards me but I stepped back.

“Then how?”

“She heard everything…” he trailed off.

I didn’t need to ask who ‘she’ was, I already knew. Looking around, I realized once again, we were being watched. By gossip hungry students, people that didn’t need to think twice before spreading every single rumor they hear. People that didn’t hesitate to judge you, look down at you and smear your name in the mud. I was surprised a teacher hadn’t shown up but then again, it wasn’t really a fight and teachers hardly involved themselves in arguments.

In a few months, I’ll graduate. In a few months, I’ll die. In a few months I’ll be free. So I don’t mind enduring this for a little longer.

They could do their worse, I didn’t care. I have been hurt so many times and been through so much, a little more wouldn’t bother me.

“Yes, the mute weird girl is now the sick girl with cancer guilt tripping your golden boy into dating her.” I smiled bitterly at them, I could see Christian wince slightly at the name but I didn’t care.

“Kaylee…” I heard Christian call my name but I was already heading to class.

I’ll do you a favor, I won’t let you waste any more time on me.